If you go to this link (Clay Court) in the Friday Nation 25 Feb 2005, you will find something under the heading Job Openings. This was in fact sourced from this humble establishment, and can be read in full and unedited right here.

Even before you fire off emails asking me many hard questions, let me head you off at the pass

• I am not Clay Muganda
• Clay Muganda is not me
• M does not stand for Muganda
• I have no affiliations with Nation Media Group or the Standard (Despite valiant efforts to assure them I won’t say no if they offer to give me cash each month)

T.O.K – Gal U A Lead

I don’t know about you, but I deeply resent having my intelligence insulted by those ladies and gentlemen masquerading as leaders. Going through their utterances over the past month raises issues that beggar further exploration

Minister: Hee haw!! All Clay is trying to do is paint this Government as corrupt, so that the Government is perceived to be corrupt
M: Clay is not painting you as corrupt nitwit! YOU ARE!! Stop stealing our money and you will not be painted as corrupt

Minister: Moo!! He is looking after British Interests!
M: Of course he is moron! I like to think that is what all Kenyan ambassadors in other countries do! Or whose interests do they look after?

Minister: Baa!!! It is just colonial talk! Who is he to tell us about our affairs?
M: The truth is the truth is the truth. You cannot hide your thieving fingers and stuffed fat face behind a mask of patriotism!

Minister: Woof woof! Those calling on their colleagues to resign are thenceforth corrupt
M: Your only remaining neuron must have been working overtime to come up with that one

Minister: Oink Oink!! These are machinations of powerful enemies out to malign my name
M: That’s right oaf. Never mind that you admitted receiving favours under dubious circumstances, and never mind the evidence published in the local press backing up the allegations

Minister:Loar!! Loar!! It’s been blown out of proportion. A scandal that never was. I mean, the money was returned
M: Spoken like a true custodian of justice, law and order. This is a great day for all thieves, crooks and conmen. Return everything that you stole and you’re good to go!

Minister: Show us evidence and we will act. Until then everyone is innocent
M: KRRKMZZ!!!!

• Whose work is it to collect evidence?
• What about them judges in your purge on the judiciary? They were guilty first huh?
• Following that two cent logic, you could only be arrested if you have already been proven guilty

Minister: What we’re doing is setting up institutions to fight corruption
M: And doing excellently! Last count they were 11. ELEVEN!!!

Minister: Eradicating corruption takes time….
M: At the pace you sloths are moving by the time you charge any big fish man will have evolved to have a second head and a tail, and the world will have 14 continents

Minister: Moo!! There will be no sacred cows
M: That’s rich, from a Cabinet staffed almost entirely with these bovines!

Head Of State: I am firmly …. firmly in cha … in char… in charge…. Zzzzzzzzzzzz!

ONLY IN KENYA
A hippo was run over by a matatu and thousands of Kenya bent on getting some free meat descended upon the carcass with knives, machetes and pangas. The more desperate ones had nail clippers and bottle openers. The most desperate used tried and tested Jet Li moves to kick the heck out of their competition in the haste to secure the free meat. In the melee an unfortunate soul was stabbed

QUOTE OF THE DAY
I’ve told you a million times — don’t exaggerate!

AOB
Miss K & Mama JunkYard – Kwani siku hizi email mnalipa stamps?

PIC OF THE DAY

“Watch your mouth today nitwit! You’re no Bernie Mac!” Archbishop Rapahel Ndingi leaves Justice & Constitutional Affairs Minister Kiraitu Murungi in no doubt as to what he thinks of his humour

G-Unit – Stunt 101

The Government Of Kenya is availing tax waivers, tax relief, free cash, free diamonds, helicopter rides and other benefits to investors who would like to invest in the country. Some of our local investors, including Cabinet, Wardrobe and Drawer ministers have forwarded porposals of various business ideas to the Ministry of Finance. The submissions from the Ministers should be fairly apparent These include

• Diamond ExportsThis one has already been done! Been there, done that, read the book, watched the movie
• Buttonhole factory in Lamu
• Powdered water plant in Wajir
• Pot Belly Enhancement Cream factory in Town Center, Nairobi (Immediate market is parliament)
• Polka Dot Paint factory in Machakos (No need to paint the dots later — do it at once)
• Striped Paint factory in Makueni (Imagine doing the painting in one pass)
• Comb 2000+: combs for the discerning bald man (Niche is customers like Moody Awori)
• Foot Scraper (To remove feet from mouths. Prospective customers are Foreign Affairs and Jusice Ministers). Optimal location: Parliament Road
• Shaggy’s hit It Wasn’t Me on vinyl, CD, iPod and DVD for sale to Cabinet Ministers
• English for Dummies, English For Absolute Dummies, English for Fatheads and English for MPs, a boxed set for sale to Members Of Parliement

If you know the Finance Minister personally, you may address him as Beste, NeckLess or Davo. Everyone else should use his full title (and enclsose a stamped, self addressed envelope for rejection)

AOB
Aida, YOU ROCK!! And then some! :)

AO-AOB
Kenya is exporting Electricity to Uganda. This is as about as ridiculous as Kenya giving Foreign Aid to USA

Henry Mancini – Baby Elephant Walk

Names have been changed to protect me

Journalist(J): Good morning
First Lady (FL): What’s so good about it?
J: Errr… I was just saying good morning
FL: And I was just asking why you think it is good? Is it better than yesterday’s? Are the birds shrubbing?
J: Do you mean chirruping?
FL: Yes. Shrubbing.
J: Never mind that! I just wanted a few comments from you on a number of issues
FL: Very well. You know I’m a pusher. I even said it on TV
J: I’m not so sure you should be saying that with the narcotics police around and all….
FL: Why not???
J: Never mind. Now, about ….
FL: Even before I continue, my houseband’s government …
J: (Bewilderment) Husband?
FL:(Irritation) Yes! Houseband.
J: Sorry
FL: My houseband’s government is not corrupt. The corrupt ones were the ones there before my husband. In fact, before my husband came, everyone was corrupt. But this government is cheese full of upright people of morality
J: I’m sure you meant chock full.
FL: Yes. The honourable ministers are there
J: Yes, no one is disputing that. There are some honourable ministers of integrity and the public knows them both. What we take exception to is the rampant theft and thuggery that we see taking place …
FL: Vroom, vroom, vroom
J: (Advanced bewliderment) Pardon?
FL: You know me. Like I said the other day, I’m a tractor
J: Of course. But back to the issues — what is your husband doing about it?
FL: My husband is working tirelessly from the comfort of his bed. I can tell you here that 39 files are being forwarded to the cursor for action
J: Cursor?
FL: Yes. KACA. Swift action will be taken. My houseband fully respects the rule of law, including the official secrets act
J: So how do you know all this about the prosecution?
FL: He told me himself last night
J: I see
FL: What do you have against my husband working from bed and having bit of rest anyway? I saw the pope on radio last week and he was working from bed?
J: You saw him on radio, eh? I think the next time the Presidential Mercedes leaves the Presidential Garage, you might want to open the Presidential Garage Door before starting the Presidential Engine. Exhaust fumes have not been known to enhance IQ, and even if they did, there are miracles then there are miracles
FL: I didn’t quite get that. But like i said, the Pope works from bed….
J: That’s because he’s been working for over 40 years, actually gets out of bed, meets people and speaks to them, has Parkinson’s disease and the flu, whereas your husband….
FL: Are you trying to make me hungry?
J: Angry?
FL: Yes. Hungry. Surely you know the difference between hungry and hungry?
J: (Despair) Yes
FL: And before I remember ….
J: Forget?
FL: (Irritation) That’s what I said. Let me take this chance to clear the air about my husband being hen pecked. All our chicken are still in Awthyre so the issue cannot arise! We don’t have any chicken at State House
J: Don’t you think it’s meddling to involve yourself in politics?
FL Just for that I won’t shake your hand the next time we meet
J: (Contrition) My apologies. Do you have any tips to share with our ladies? How do you treat your hair for instance? Conditioning shampoo? Blow dry?
FL I’m glad you asked that. A hot comb can achieve excellent results, in conjunction with vaseline
J: Any truth to the rumours that your hair and beauty regime begins and ends with a light touch of a live wire?
FL: Of course not! Why do you say that?
J: Small clouds seem to have formed above your head
FL: (Wildly) Har har!
J: Yes, quite
FL: As First Lady you’ll be seeing me involved a lot in the economy of the country
J: Getting your face on our money huh?

(Loud voice from the crowd) Now that ought to scare off local investors!

Craig David – Fast Cars

I’m supposed to be in Kampala bright and early on Monday morning. Or rather was. I’ve just packed all my things, sorted out all my affairs, found out that the flight is leaving at 7AM therefore I have to be there at some nonsense hour like 5 and then I get a call that office politics at the clients has buggered the entire trip and it is now hanging in limbo. What’s that? I didn’t tell you I was leaving? Get over it!

Akon – Ghetto

All right, all right, all right. I’ve had about enough of having my inbox cluttered with nonsense messages like these:

Please, if you want to keep the friends you have, resist the urge to clutter our already limited bandwidth with this nonsense!

PIC OF THE DAY

New Internal Security Minister John Michuki is blissfully unaware that new Transport Minister Chris Murungaru is visualizing him being eaten alive by carnivorous smurfs

Run DMC – It’s Like That

• Are you a stupid schmuck?
• Are you so dense that light bends around your head?
• Do you have a chronic allergy to exertion? Do you develop violent allergic reactions to a honest day’s work?
• Are you a consummate liar?
• Do you have the intelligence of a half witted hen?
• Can you at least write the initials of your name, and read them?
• Do you think that Robin Hood was out of his mind, stealing from the rich to feed the poor when he instead should have been stealing from everyone to feed himself?
• Can you say the phrase “It wasn’t me” believably even if there is video evidence to the contrary?
• Are you a team player? Will you let your colleagues eat from the public coffers in peace?
• Do you believe that all your problems are caused because “Money has been poured to finish you”
• Are you unable to have a coherent conversation with a 5 year old?
• Do you have trouble with words that have more than two syllables?
• Have you seen and fought in both world wars?
• Have you personally met Livingstone, Speke or any other explorer?
• Did your primary school atlas have only one continent, and was it Pangea?
• Do your friends and loved ones cringe when you open your mouth in preparation to speak?
• Do you have trouble distinguishing the words PUBLIC and MINE?
• Are you a colossal bore? Would people rather paint their houses with their tongues than enjoy your society?
• Can you sleep on demand?

If you have answered YES to any of these questions, then we are looking for you!

The Cabinet Of Kenya is one of the fastest growing entities in the world. Our motto is “Quantity” and our mission statement is “The More The Merrier”. And just last night we grew still more.

Benefits

• Job security: As sure as some of our members’ affinity for free stuff, your job is secure. Like the Mafia (the Italian One), the only way out of the Cabinet is via the Grim Reaper (*Note1)
  
• Free helicopter rides
• Handsome remu… renu … remune …. renume … Salary!
• Hookups from fellow cabinet ministers e.g. tax waivers, import contracts
• Free use of Government facilities. (We have an excellent army that can dig boreholes, herd your cattle, till your farm, etc. The Airforce can be deployed to take care of those pesky crows and hawks troubling your farm. Our Navy can take excellent care of your swimming pool. These bodies also do stuff when we are attacked)
• Ample assistance: 3 assistant ministers, 3 assistant assistant ministers, 2 deputy assistant ministers and 4 deputy deputy sub assistant ministers
• Comprehensive insurance for life and all body parts (*Note2)
  
• Interest free loans / grants (*Note3)
  
• Your own convoy, complete with bodyguards who don’t have the sense to get into their cars while they are stationary but instead wait for them to hit breakneck speeds

*Note1: Some wives can also effect your dismissal from your post so watch yourself!
*Note2: For those freak candidates who have a brain, they are not expected to use them, so there is no need to insure them
*Note3: Not available to all dockets.

FALL FROM GRACE
From being in charge of Tanks and Fighter Jets to matatus and boda bodas

JUST A MATTER OF TIME

President Mwai Kibaki realizes that after shuffling his government, he has forgotten to include himself in the final listing

Nirvanah – Smells Like Teen Spirit

Peer pressure at work!
1. Favourite Kenyan food:
(a) Nyama choma
(b) Roast meat
(c) Kenchic Chicken
(d) Did I mention nyamchom?

2. Favourite Kenyan drink:
Ice cold, nice cold Coca Cola. This is the SHIZNIT. I can (and do) drink crates and crates of the stuff

3. Favourite Kenyan TV programme:
Tahamaki – the sight of our gallent Inspectors and Sergeants investigating crimes and brandishing pistols that go off like bombs and smoke like forest fires is just too invigorating!

4. Top Three Four Kenyan hang outs:
(a) [Censored to protect its cosy quietness and pleasant ambience]
(b) Michelle’s (She’s actually got a working swing!)
(c) Le Carnivore
(d) Paradise Lost

5. Top Kenyan holiday destination
Lamu or Burst!

6. 3 Kenyan phrases you use a lot (ati, nini, nani DO NOT count and neither does bilaz!)
(a) FOKOJEMBE!
(b) Mjinga! (Prononced Moo-cheee-nga, and said sotto voice). Not recommended for the uninitiated
(c) EEEEEE-DIOT! (Working on eliminating this one :( )

7. Three Four things about Kenya/Kenyans that make you go ‘hmmm’
(a) Cats just don’t keep time! And usually THEY are the ones who suggested the time!! I’m beginnng to think some of us have watches that only have hours and no minutes!
(b) Laminating every damn thing — IDs, birth certificates. Just a matter of time before amazed staff are asked to laminate a baby
(c) Kenyan whine and whine about their leaders and then a month to elections a packet of unga and 50 bob later they vote for the same schmucks!
(d) Just showing up without invitation, notice or warning. People fondly imagine that your time is solely for their disposal. “M bana, si you have time? Si you peleka me to xyz …. Do you still have some of that ice cream cake i had last time? Thanks. Wewe ni wetu! Eh! How can you be watching TCM?!! Channel O bana! Style up! Niaje with that ka-loan? Si you jua the domestics I have with my bank! I swear that teller hates me!“

8. Three things non-Kenyans say about Kenya/Kenyans that make you go ‘hmmm’
(a) Dudes and dudettes, it’s not Key-Nya and it’s not KEN-IA, It’s KEN-YA!
(b) Do you run?
(c) Whoa!!! You mean we can do this IT stuff LOCALLY?!!!

9. Three things about Kenya/Kenyans which non-Kenyans ought to know.
(a) I don’t have hippos, cheetahs and other wildlife in my backyard
(b) The fact that i’m Kenyan does not mean I can run for 4+ hours
(c) Kenya is not a 2 city country. Besides Mombasa and Nairobi, we actually have other towns and cities

10. Complete this sentence: I am Kenyan because…
No matter how thick things become I can always have a good long laugh about it. That there epitomizes the very essence of being Kenyan

And finally list 3 members of the Kenyan Blog Ring you would like to see complete this quiz.
Sanaa, Miss K, Kenyan Pundit, Mental

FatBoy Slim – The Rockafeller Skank