- Are you a stupid schmuck?
- Are you so dense that light bends around your head?
- Do you have a chronic allergy to exertion? Do you develop violent allergic reactions to a honest day’s work?
- Are you a consummate liar?
- Do you have the intelligence of a half witted hen?
- Can you at least write the initials of your name, and read them?
- Do you think that Robin Hood was out of his mind, stealing from the rich to feed the poor when he instead should have been stealing from everyone to feed himself?
- Can you say the phrase “It wasn’t me” believably even if there is video evidence to the contrary?
- Are you a team player? Will you let your colleagues eat from the public coffers in peace?
- Do you believe that all your problems are caused because “Money has been poured to finish you”
- Are you unable to have a coherent conversation with a 5 year old?
- Do you have trouble with words that have more than two syllables?
- Have you seen and fought in both world wars?
- Have you personally met Livingstone, Speke or any other explorer?
- Did your primary school atlas have only one continent, and was it Pangea?
- Do your friends and loved ones cringe when you open your mouth in preparation to speak?
- Do you have trouble distinguishing the words PUBLIC and MINE?
- Are you a colossal bore? Would people rather paint their houses with their tongues than enjoy your society?
- Can you sleep on demand?
If you have answered YES to any of these questions, then we are looking for you!
The Cabinet Of Kenya is one of the fastest growing entities in the world. Our motto is “Quantity” and our mission statement is “The More The Merrier”. And just last night we grew still more.
Benefits
- Job security: As sure as some of our members’ affinity for free stuff, your job is secure. Like the Mafia (the Italian One), the only way out of the Cabinet is via the Grim Reaper (*Note1)
- Free helicopter rides
- Handsome remu… renu … remune …. renume … Salary!
- Hookups from fellow cabinet ministers e.g. tax waivers, import contracts
- Free use of Government facilities. (We have an excellent army that can dig boreholes, herd your cattle, till your farm, etc. The Airforce can be deployed to take care of those pesky crows and hawks troubling your farm. Our Navy can take excellent care of your swimming pool. These bodies also do stuff when we are attacked)
- Ample assistance: 3 assistant ministers, 3 assistant assistant ministers, 2 deputy assistant ministers and 4 deputy deputy sub assistant ministers
- Comprehensive insurance for life and all body parts (*Note2)
- Interest free loans / grants (*Note3)
- Your own convoy, complete with bodyguards who don’t have the sense to get into their cars while they are stationary but instead wait for them to hit breakneck speeds
*Note1: Some wives can also effect your dismissal from your post so watch yourself!
*Note2: For those freak candidates who have a brain, they are not expected to use them, so there is no need to insure them
*Note3: Not available to all dockets.
FALL FROM GRACE
From being in charge of Tanks and Fighter Jets to matatus and boda bodas
JUST A MATTER OF TIME
President Mwai Kibaki realizes that after shuffling his government, he has forgotten to include himself in the final listing
Nirvanah – Smells Like Teen Spirit