Coming to work this morning almost forced me to desperately seek out one of those street vendors who tend to have an unbelievable amount of stock under an unbelievably small leather jacket and secure a large pair of sunglasses. Martians landing in Nairobi this morning will wonder why these Earthlings call Mars the Red Planet whereas Earth itself is festooned with the same. The ladies are all in read. Red dresses, red skirts, red blouses, red sweaters, red coats, red suits, red sandals, red pumps. Feeling left out, Red Pepper, Red Bull, Red Indian and Red Dragon also wanted a piece of the action but were persuaded to drop the matter.

Some misguided gentlemen are also in red. There was a dude with red trousers I saw just outside Yaya center, causing traffic to stop inadvertently.

This dude reminds me of a gentleman I saw some years ago who dressed from head to toe in red, starting with a blood red hat, following through with a ruby red t-shirt, seamlessly breaking into ruby red corduroy trousers, slowing to a halt with burgundy socks and terminating with a juddering crash with bright red shoes. It took observers all of ten seconds to gratefully come to the conclusion that it was not a man who had been inadvertently turned inside out by a particularly violent accident.

This chap caused a stir wherever he went, and it was rapt attention that followed his progress. The shades of red on his person were so different and distinctive that you could actually hear him coming. A small boy was heard to complain that a minute of watching the apparition had left him cross eyed. A CIA satellite in space was redirected to make sure that a ballistic missile was not being launched. The sun was startled briefly, wondering where the competition had suddenly come from.

The trousers and t-shirt especially clashed so mightily they sounded like a pair of alcoholic cats in a room full of rocking chairs. This dude made things hum when he suddenly disappeared and reappeared some ten seconds later, about 3 meters from where he had disappeared.

Those of us who don’t believe in transfiguration, teleporting and other forms of transportation that do not involve John Michuki in some way or the other refused to accept such theories and dogged investigations were made.

It turns out that this gentleman had not disappeared after all, but had walked immediately in front of one of those garish red coca cola kiosks. If you can dredge back your physics knowledge you will recall that if you add red to some more red, all you get is still more red. The Kenya society For The Prevention Of Cruelty To Animals (KSPCA) are still looking for this gentleman because of the trauma he caused to hundreds of chameleons in the Westlands vicinity

Eamon – I Don’t Want You Back