Foreign Affairs Minister Ali Mwakwere’s foot and mouth infestation seems to have spread to Justice Minister Kiraitu Murungi. Some members of our cabinet must have mouths larger than normal, because it seems they have no problem accommodating one, and in some cases both of their feet. I could not believe my ears when that smug face appeared on TV with the following statement:

“…what the donors are doing is like raping a woman who is already willing…”

There was a stunned silence for all of 5 seconds before the schmuck was overwhelmed by his own wit and burst into laughter, nailing his coffin still further. According to Kiraitu, Kiraitu’s wit is second to none. Kiraitu is of the opinion that every second spent listening to Kiraitu’s humorous wit is a second well spent. Kiraitu firmly believes that the reason there is so much sadness in the world is that there aren’t enough Kiraitus. On a scale of 1 to 10, Kiraitu is of the opinion that Kiraitu merits a strong score of 50. He looked fondly at his audience and wondered if they knew exactly how privileged they were to be addressed by Kiraitu.

Whoever thinks hell hath no fury than a woman scorned, clearly has not seen the fury of women insulted by Kiraitu. The Coalition Forces in Iraq would have taken notes had they seen the outraged women storm Co-Operative house, where the King of Wit has his offices. Watchmen tried and failed to keep the women out of the building. They succeeded in keeping them out of the elevators but one of the women shouted for the stairs. The guards tried to block the staircase doors but they had as much luck trying to stop them as a chocolate teapot has of holding fresh tea. They were dismissively pushed to one side and the women swarmed up the stairs as one.

Kiraitu is a man with a very high regard of his skin, and the thought that he would lose his hide to the irate women prompted action. Speculation so far is that he

• Hid under his desk
• Hid in a drawer in his desk
• Climbed into the ceiling of his office
• Hung from his ceiling fan from the back of his trousers (if you watched Mission Impossible you’ll get the drift)
• Used a secret elevator to escape

From the general tone of some of the Human Rights Activists who burst into the office, it would not have been unwise for Kiraitu to wager they would respect his. The general consensus was human rights are named such because they pertain to humans, anything else was fair game. 50 odd pairs of high heels, stilettos, sandals, sneakers and boots can do amazing amounts of damage. Undeterred at not finding him there, they proceeded to eloquently vent their anger. Speeches were read. Venting was done. If there had been time to make effigies, these would have been burnt.

I’m taking wagers that for the next couple of weeks Mr Murungi will be very unpopular with Mrs Murungi. 70,000 to 1 that he will be spending the next couple of nights stretching his witty self on a sofa.

PIC OF THE DAY

An observer watches in stunned amazement as “Motor Mouth” Murungi successfully attempts to move his mouth to the side of his face

SHAME OF THE DAY

Kenya gets an extremely dubious distinction thanks to the efforts of one man

Dave Matthews Band – Crash!

The very sight of Foreign Affairs Minister Ali “Liberator” Mwakwere does little to inspire confidence, and when the man opens his mouth all further doubts are completely eliminated. I met the man once at Railways Golf Club. I was not impressed then and am not impressed now. His prowess on the Foreign Affairs landscape closely matches that of his prowess on the Green. CIA spooks analysing satellite footage of that day i’m convinced until today were unable to decide if he was man playing golf, a man slashing grass or a small helicopter having mechanical difficulties. The dude straddles the Foreign Affiars Landscape not like a colossus, but an inebriated duck.

But I digress.

After torturing the Saudis with his excruciating company he landed on our soils yesterday and even before brushing his teeth went straight for a press conference and immediately after accusing Edward Clay of using undiplomatic language, went ahead to call the man an incorrigible liar and accused him of being drunk. It’s times like these I thank God I never caved in to the calls to be a reporter because had I been there I would have detached my station’s mike while he was in full cry and would have summarily departed.

Clearly the man was acting on orders from a higher being to make a complete fool of himself. Last time he lowed that Clay did not substantiate his claims. This time he (Clay)did. Last time he (Mwakwere) bleated that Clay should have presented his evidence to the Government. This time he (Clay) did. The man totally refused to field questions on the issues and instead demonstrated that the only difference between a NARC minister and month old horse manure is the suit.

This is the same dude who puzzled millions over the world by declaring Kenyan hostages free, on the strength, it would seem, of an SMS from a 0722 number on River Road. I can just imagine the bewildered captors looking from hostages to TV to each other and wondering if they were operating in parallel universes.

The fact that this is the best man Kibaki could find to articulate our foreign policy speaks volumes of his (Kibaki’s) abilities, or, to be quite frank, lack thereof. Would there be much difference if we swapped the entire cabinet for some garden gnomes, a football and a bag of sweet potatoes?

Why oh why can’t we get leaders smart enough to hit the water if they fell out of a boat? Is it asking for too much?

Word Of The Day
Bullet (Noun) Bool – ette. A small bull

Dilemma
Caught between the Kibaki we Know, as evidenced daily, and Uhuru we may get, as analyzed by the Kenyan Pundit. Sigh

AOB
Chin up Sanaa :)

Saida Karoli – Ekitobero

I don’t have the words to describe the frustration I have with this Government and it’s determination to loot it’s people’s hard earned sweat. Githongo once said only two things would make him resign — Kibaki directly condoning corruption or Kibaki not supporting him in his crusade. Whichever one came to pass I don’t know but am extremely pissed off with our lethargic president and his gluttonous ministers. What will it take for this fossil to see that he needs to act now and smash this network, whether or not his friends are in it or not? We’re tired of this bullshit about corruption not going away overnight, taking time, needing institutions,etc. We’ve listened to that tripe for 2 years which are 2 years too many. I for one am not going to take his and his ministers nonsense lying down. I’m planning to put together a small campaign of sorts.
Details Later.

And as for the donors I strongly advise them to keep their money and find more useful things to do with it. Start a button hole factory. Start a chocolate hot water bottle. No sense giving it as aid because it will be pocketed by gluttons and the common man will never get to see it anyway.

Blog Watch
Kashata in the zone

Kelis & Andre 3000 – Millionaire

The success of Ben Ayimba and the lads at the sevens tournament filled me with pride. That was just GOOD STUFF!! Granted the performance has been fluctuating but I dare say next to athletics our Sevens teams has been one of our most successful sports ventures.

I’m also reminded of the good old days of dabbling in the game, in the capacity of the second row, first jumper. For those unschooled in the specifics, the jumper is the dude who stands between very beefy characters and is lifted by his shorts skywards to catch the ball during line outs. The only problem with this particular position manifested itself after you had caught the ball, descended back to earth and passed it onto your team mates. After that myself and my opposite number would invariably follow the same routine, which was to fish our shorts out of nether regions, and run uncomfortably into battle. Why, you ask? Just picture yourself being lifted into the air by your shorts alone and the effects of gravity trying to bring you back to earth while strong men try to keep you in the air using your shorts! If my sons are deformed I’ll know why.

The morning after each game the 15 of us would be easy to spot. There was an excellent chance of bloody knees and elbows, as well as the regulation grass burns. Something one quickly and painfully learns is that bloody knees and trousers do not a good match make. Blood tends to have an excellent affinity for trouser, and parting the two occasionally had one hitting the higher notes of the octave. This plus the bruises from being trampled over and the mini cuts from having studs grinding into your person made us frequent and permanent addicts of deep heat and aspirin. The body long gave up trying to patch its own knees and as a result impressively smooth scar tissue is still with me to this day

But in the heat of the moment, in the adrenaline rush as you suicidally ran straight into a pack of 5 beefy men with every intent to break you in half, the exhilaration was worth every last bruise! Sigh! To go back in time to the good old days…..

Another entrant into the blogosphere is Miss K’s Au Lait

Norah Jones – Come Away With Me

My main man Sir Edward Clay was at it again, kicking the backs of well filled Government trouser ass again. Edward Clay has precisely the attitude we Kenyans should have about our own country. We should totally refuse to accept rhetoric about fighting corruption and having our intelligence insulted by goggle eyed fat cats who call press conferences and tell us that there are “machinations by powerful enemies to spoil my name” when their fat fingers are clearly dipping into the till.

We should loudly and soundly and resoundingly protest the farce that is a Minister hooking up one of his boys with a tax waiver and then claim everything was in order, and at the same time denying the same waiver to thousands of other exporters, all the while the Head of State is languishing on his fence at State House, as ever, never missing an opportunity to miss an opportunity. I cannot understand how Kibaki is not seeing that the antics of his increasingly impudent ministers is costing him in every front, locally, regionally and globally. It has gotten to a point where I am saddened to say that I no longer take my President or his Government seriously.

It is a completely misguided sense of patriotism to castigate Edward Clay. The truth is the truth is the truth. It does not matter where it comes from, and arguments about the appropriateness of his comments as a diplomat are totally moot. Kenyans are intelligent enough to laugh away puny defences such as those offered by the Foreign Affairs Minister and the Vice President.

What patriotic Kenyans should do is stop being so accepting of all the nonsense we are subjected to and take these fat cats to task. We should refuse to be lied to. We should refuse to be insulted by leaders with the moral code of alley cats. We should speak out against all these injustices, deceptions and frauds. For all it takes for evil to prosper is good men and women to do nothing

Seal – Crazy

Watching what used to be my school bus many years ago pass by my window and hearing the young voices inside precipitated me into the mists of fond reminisces of days gone by. Truly, as Bernard Shaw said, youth is wasted on the young.

Being beaten by a teacher was a very complicated affair for a number of reasons

One quickly learned that tribulations suffered in school were best kept at school. Expecting the sympathy of a loving mother and an outraged father due to the injury done to their offspring was something we quickly learnt not to expect. Should the Mater and the Pater learn that you were beaten at school a chain of events wold transpire
1) Information as to why you were beaten would be extracted from you
2) You would be beaten because you were beaten at school
3) You would be beaten for whatever it is you did wrong
4) You would be beaten for dishonouring the family name
5) On some occasions, you would be beaten because of wasting your father’s time
6) You thanked your father for all the beatings

Mory Kante – Yeke Yeke

Much as am a Catholic (whose mouth keeps getting him into trouble) I was not the least bit surprised to hear that the Pope was hospitalized. I mean let’s call a spade a spade. The Pope’s health is an impediment to his duties ergo he should retire and pass on the mantle to the more able. It’s about time we had an African Pope

Hues Corporation – Rock The Boat