tHiNkEr’S rOoM

By this time tomorrow I shall be inhaling the hot and humid air of Port Bell. Am waking up at some ungodly hour to be at the airport for two hours before the flight to Entebbe actually takes off (Quick Question: What is the SENSE in this?!!)

Am off to Uganda for a week or so. I believe i will generally be online so no one need despair. But in case i’m not, no need to send out search parties.

Those people who owe me money, lunches, etc use this time wisely to prepare for my return.

HEADLINE OF THE DAY

No pun intended from Miss LeSure, we like to think!

QUOTE OF THE DAY
Only a man like Mwai Kibaki can jump to a conclusion and sit on it

Tabu Ley - Muzina

Peer pressure at work! Ok Miss K, Mama J(acinta?)JunkYard, Nick

1) I’ve spent a long time trying to attend to the foremost of duties - know thyself
2) I’m not done, and don’t expect to be for quite a while
3) So far I am intrigued by what I’ve found out
4) “Because”, as an answer to questions, I generally find acutely wanting
5) Many people and establishments view this with quite some apprehension
6) I prefer to talk to God from my heart, rather than using canned prayers
7) There are people who go out of their way to fit into a mould
8) I am not one of these
9) Being the first born, growing up quickly was something I had to do in a hurry
10) Which did not exclude getting into trouble
11) I brought my folks close to heart attacks on numerous occasions
12) When I was not looking down at their terrified faces from the roof of our house or dangling from the back of a speeding lorry or deliberately getting lost on my “adventures” my backside was paying the price.
13) Today’s logic of sending a small boy to his room, fully equipped with computer, play station and TV, ostensibly as punishment, escapes me entirely
14) But I was a small boy of “live for the moment, face the consequences later”
15) I’m very easily bored
16) As childhoods go, I can’t complain about mine. There weren’t many dull moments there and I like to think there aren’t many now
17) And even now I still love kids. I even speak pretty good baby
18) Something about their optimism, good cheer and innocence
19) You don’t have to listen for undertones and hints when talking to kids
20) I love chocolate. And ice cream. And cake
21) In fact every Friday I pass through the supermarket directly opposite my workplace and get myself a large bar of Dairy Milk chocolate (made with a glass and a half of full cream milk). The plain kind. Personally, nuts, raisins, etc just pollute the chocolate. This I eat on the way home
22) I’m in excellent health and fitness
23) I generally unruffled by most situations
24) For example just this weekend I and some fellow Kenyans found ourselves being forced to alight from a vehicle by police armed to the teeth
25) As I was being searched one of the cops demanded to know what I was eating
26) I told him chocolate (see 20)
27) He asked me why I was eating it during a police search
28) I asked him why I shouldn’t be eating it (see 23)
29) While most people have bejeweled crucifixes and other what-nots around their necks, I have a little wooden teddy bear (see 7,8)
30) George is his name
31) George is usually received with considerable amazement by new acquaintances
32) I have an excellent memory
33) But not for faces - It’s very common for me to run into someone who talks to me at length, bids me goodbye and leaves me wondering who the heck I have just been talking to
34) But for other things they tend to stick
35) For example I can still write down the periodic table
36) Haven’t quite figured out why some things stick and others don’t
37) Most people think I’m a bit more intelligent than average
38) This is an opinion I do not share
39) However I learn things pretty quickly
40) As long as I have at least a slight interest in them
41) For instance I learned to ride a bike the very first day I attempted
42) Of course during the course of the same day I made the acquantiance of a street light
43) Did you know that regardless of the speed at which you hit them, they will not move?
44) My word can be taken at face value
45) I’m not a fan of hints, inclinations and suggestions
46) If I think you’re an ass you’ll know it without a shadow of a doubt
47) I have a pretty good sense of humour
48) This gets me through most days, good and bad
49) Extremely self confident (Irritatingly is the word commonly used)
50) I love listening to music
51) I listen to music when I work, and sing along
52) I’m not too bad actually
53) I enjoy almost all genres, from Afro-fusion down to Zouk
54) What I can’t stand is listening to Celine Dion or Usher or Mariah Carey with those ridiculous reggae remixes
55) I resisted the temptation to get a mobile phone until my boss actually bought me one and forced me to get a line
56) This was back in the day when Safaricom had one Tariff and a Kencell line was not 300 or so bob as it is today, but a solid 3,500 iron men
57) I can watch my phone ring without feeling guilty about it. I must have missed that part of the constitution where it says that one must answer all calls.
58) Flashing me will not get you far
59) I’m extremely easygoing
60) This I get from my father
61) I deeply admire my father. He’s the most remarkable man I have ever met.
62) He is always smiling (I’m working on that one) and I’ve only seen him annoyed once in my lifetime.
63) From my amazing mother dear the generosity genes came
64) And the cooking. I’m a pretty good cook.
65) Once walked into a robbery in progress
66) Between me and the robbers I’m not sure who was more surprised
67) One of the hardest things you can ever do is attend the funeral of the person you were convinced you were going to spend the rest of your life with.
68) It is even harder to write the eulogy
69) And it is almost impossible to read it
70) It’s four years past now, and much as I never thought it at the time, the pain is gone.
71) I’ll still have a piece of you in my heart forever Michelle
72) It’s a pretty big heart, so I hope no one will mind the filled space
73) I cannot believe I’ve just said this in a public website
74) Striped suits and checked suits are the most ridiculous things that the human male can put on his person
75) Blue, black, grey and white are my colours
76) Boxers! Only boxers!
77) If I could go back in time I’d have done philosophy in university
78) As friends go I’m very grateful for mine
79) They’ve seen me through some of my most trying times
80) I hope they realize how much they mean to me
81) I already know who my best men are going to be ( I shall have two)
82) Suffering fools is not something I do
83) Hypocrites and tribalists also get my goat
84) When I was a small boy I was shut in a clothes basket with a chicken that objected both to being in the clothes basket as well as my presence
85) I did not know at the time that it was a chicken
86) There was little doubt whose feathers were ruffled most
87) I’m generally nice to people
88) People therefore take great liberties with me
89) They don’t seem to realize that I notice this
90) It annoys the heck out of me
91) On occasion I express myself fairly comprehensively
92) Then things go back to normal (see 87)
93) I love watching TCM classic movies
94) How many of today’s movies have a cast of only 4 and are set in one room and still manage to keep you watching for the full 90 minutes? How many of today’s movies are the story and not the budget or the actors?
95) When I was a small boy I got a crocheting needle stuck in my throat
96) I don’t mind needles, but I do mind hospitals. Something about the smell, the smug doctors and the gloomy atmosphere keeps me in perfect health and fitness purely by will power
97) I’m a bit daring
98) Some of the things I’ve done on a wager (or just because I could) will bar me from public office
99) I’m a believer of actions over words. This is why I hold most politicians in fine disdain
100) I’m the only boy I know who did not fall for the infamous “show me yours and I’ll show you mine” subterfuge, that was the waterloo of many small boys in kindergartens all over the world
101) When the present Nyayo High Rise was just a big rock, my father once had an accident in which he rammed into the said rock at some 140 plus km/h
102) My brother and I were kneeling in the back seat
103) CSI like reconstruction of events indicated we actually broke through the rear windscreen on our way out of the car, landing on an grass embankment
104) Net damage - the loose tooth I had came out
105) I wish I was a couple (and only a couple) of inches shorter. Being tall is a bit overrated.
106) Yes, it’s handy to change bulbs and get stuff from top shelves but I’ve lost count of the low doorways I’ve banged my forehead against
107) Fitting in small cars is also an exercise in contortionism
108) I read a lot, from The Epic of Gilgamesh right down to Tom Clancy & Steven King
109) I sometimes wish I was a miser - I take very good care of myself. Too good. My money starts off as a 1,000 bob note, and then regardless of what I buy converts to 500 bob, 200 bob and coins. The next transaction lands me with two 200 bob notes and coins, the next 100 bob and coins and the next just the coins. There may be gremlins in my pocket that eat my cash
110) Had a crush on two people who happen to currently be in the same state, and in fact the same physical loacale
111) Without a doubt during the course of the day they run into each other
112) I like to think they’re blissfully unaware of this aspect that they share
113) I’m sure that one or two reading this will now fondly imagine they know me
114) Resist the temptation, This is but a scratch on the surface
115) Even from thousands of miles away, A intrigues me immensely
116) I am who I am thanks to the efforts of God, my wonderful mum and dad who made me the man I am and my friends who have carried me through the rougher spots of my life. Salut!

Simon & Garfunkel - The Boxer

Good morning, greetings, salutations and felicitations. Wassup, wasadili and what’s crackalacking? Izzow? Niaje bro ….. niaje siste ….. ninawacheki wadhii.

My names, for those who do not know me, and who will now know me after telling you my names, I am Fred M Nutua. I am the Secretarial Spokesman for the Communications Office.

As I promised and swore last week, this will be the first of many communications in which I will attempt, try and undertake to keep the Kenyan public aware and informed of what is going on in the Government, and what is cooking in the Kitchen Cabinet.

Heroes
I urge all our National heroes to simplify our work by dying quickly. It makes sense. My staff has been working overtime and at present we have over thirty speeches ready for funerals of our heroes. We have made arrangements with stone masons for tombstones and funeral homes for coffins and burial ceremonies. Everything is ready, so I urge them all to quickly die so that our Government can honour them. In fact just this morning I have personally inspected a consignment of sack cloth and ashes that we shall use to grieve. We even have glycerol for gnashing teeth.

Projects
The Government has undertaken and successfully completed several projects for the betterment of the people in the three years that it has been in power. These include and constitute of the following

• Free oxygen for the people (one of our proudest achievements)
• Free rain and sunshine (yet another fine achievement)
• Cattle dip in Siaya
• Roofing tiles for Chief’s office in Bura
• Padlock for Nandi DC’s house gate
• Torch for Mtongwe ferry watchman
• Groundnuts for city council workers on special occasions, like Presidential inaugurations

Terrorism
I say this in reference to the explosion at the Wilson airport. First of all let me categorically say that not all bombs explode, and not all explosions are bombs. In fact, what happened was a mere explosion and not a bomb. Our security apparatus and apparel are diligently on watch and on point to keep our people safe.

Corruption
There is no corruption in this Government. It is all untrue, concocted, dishonest and a lie. What we have is a perception of corruption, where the Government is seen to be corrupt. For instance, one of our objectives was to create wealth. So I find it amazing that when a cabinet minister attempts to create wealth in a brotherly gesture for a fellow minister, I find myself amazed at the crying wolf, sheep and fowl.

Freedom
This Government is all for freedom. However our citizens fail to appreciate that freedom also extends to the police, who really, in all fairness, should be free to practice their craft! If you spend six years studying architecture you are expected to – er – architect. Surely if you spend 2 years training how to disarm and subdue people you must be allowed to use what you learn!

Diplomats
We welcome all Sands, Stones, Clays and other such to our country. They are most welcome, and in our democratic space we allow them to say whatever they want. “Incorrigible liar”, as was expressed by someone was taken totally out of context. In fact, it was not said in a bad way!

Democracy
As we saw in a neighbouring country, a kick in the teeth, a chair to the head, a walking stick to the back and a blow to the cojones are perfectly democratic expressions that should be recognized and encouraged. My teacher told me that actions speak louder than words, and what is louder than a well placed kick? I think you will agree that we are one of the most democratic countries in the World.

Education
Those who are always complaining about 1 teacher teaching 589 students are simply splitting hairs. It is a loud testament to the ability of our teachers to handle such a workload. After all, one God attends to the billions of people!

With these numerous few examples it is pretty abundantly clear that this government is deeply commited to devlopment issues.

PIC OF THE DAY

President Mwai Kibaki suddenly realizes that what he is reading is not his parliament opening speech but a dog eared copy of his wife’s “Three Billy Goats Gruff”

AOB
O ye of little faith! I’ve been writing poetry for years and years!

3 Doors Down - Kryptonite

Sitting here, this sunny day,
thinking of you, so far away,
maybe tomorrow, or maybe today,
I can find some words, for me to say,
to you, who makes me feel this way.

Even as I began this poem before,
I find right now, if I truly recall,
that I love you just a little bit more…

Well, I seem to have acquired a pigeonhole of a political satirist. This is certainly not something I set out to do, nor want, seeing as this is where I ramble on anything and everything, but as it happens the current political situation is replete with topics of discussion. My derision for these bastards …. eh gentlemen and ladies of character and integrity is becoming infamous, and on more than one occasion the services of a psychiatrist have been hinted.

But first thing’s first…..

There’s this Cabinet Minister of a certain country. Let’s call him …. Kristopher. Kristopher (purportedly) runs the Ministry of Movement, involved in cars, trucks, buses, railways etc. If you have never seen good old Kristopher, take a walk to the Ngong Racecoure, or any other stables, and look at any of the animals you will find there from behind. What you see will be a fairly accurate representation of his good side.

Kristopher is but a babe in the woods in his new post. His previous docket did not earn him any marks. If he was left alone in a room of citizens, his chances of making it out of there without teethmarks are very remote indeed. His grinning face seems to invite blows. His arrogant voice stirs even the most peaceful to thoughts of just how far up his nether regions an electricity pole will go.

Conscious of his unpopularity, Kristopher has embarked on measures that he fondly believes will make him a darling of the people. His course of action is a lot like that of his predecessor - stamping his authority in the Ministry. To this regard he has diverted his attentions and sweats with the effort of enforcing some traffic laws. Kristopher seems unaware that the laws in question seem to have been written when the vehicles on the roads were two horse power (literally), and exhaust from said vehicles did not poison the lungs, but the shoes. It is this we find ludicrous speed limits like 49.99 km/h.

To add insult to injury, now it is illegal to stop on the road for any vehicle to stop on the road to discharge customers, or to allow them to board. The problem is, it is also illegal to get off the road, in order to avoid blocking the traffic, to do the same thing. Shuttle services that did this were promptly impounded. So where there are no bus stops, you are buggered. For an environ like SouthWest B, that has a grand total of TWO bus stops, the entire residential populace is completely and utterly buggered, because said bus stops are just where SouthWest B begins. If you were to walk from some areas of SouthWest B to these bus stops, you might as well walk to town.

Kristopher fondly believes that he is asserting his authority and blazing a trail toward being an efficient minister. He is blissfully aware that all he is doing is reinforcing the growing perception that he is an enormous horse’s arse!

PIC OF THE DAY

Kristopher, photo taken of his good side

Coldplay - Trouble

ly The Nairobi Water Board is an interesting entity, misunderstood by many. It history is as chequered as Kasparov’s tools of trade, but as far as can be discerned, their principal duties are to avail piped water to the residents of Nairobi. When it comes to this particular role, the view of the Nairobi Water Board seems to be that

It is a mantra that they have borne with pride throughout their lifetime of attempting to serve its customers.

The recent craze of business process re-engineering seems to have hit Kenyan companies by storm. Never one to be left out of what’s happening, public enterprises are wasting no time in joining the bandwagon, and some are bending over backwards to be “with it”. The Nairobi Water Board is not one to be left behind, and has embraced this new fad with gusto.

A direct result is that many residents, in innumerable localities, find themselves in the reluctant role of guinea pigs. In addition to its core competence, the (general) provision of water, the Board seems to have decided that since the Ministry Of Education has phased out music from the syllabus, an unsatisfied demand exists in the market. So it is with this regard that taps all over South B, to relieve the monotony of running water, produce a variety of melodious whistling sounds.

With the aid of some of my friends, as recently as last night I was able to play the National Anthem with the outside tap (soprano), kitchen tap (alto), bathroom tap (tenor) and shower(bass). The taps in the downstairs facilities provided the lower soprano). The beat was provided by the dripping servant’s quarter tap.

In a burst of enthusiasm, the Nairobi Water Board has also suddenly decided that they fall under the jurisdiction of the Ministry Of Transport, after some overzealous officials saw the unfortunate Tsunami in action earlier this year. As a result, they themselves obliged by duty and commitment to their customers welfare to abide by the new directives on speed. The direct result of this is that the steady rush of water we expect in our pipes has slowed to a gentle gush. To get water out of your taps is quite the effort. Just this morning I had to open the taps in full and place a 500 bob note on the bathtub to convince the water to come out, risking an long interview with one Aaron ‘Indefatigable’ Ringera.

Much as I am touched for their concern in making sure I’m not run over by speeding water, I’d like them to rest assured that I’d much rather take the risk and have the tank at the top of my house filled.

AOB
If you enjoyed the original Cabinet Tales, either in the original form or as a forward, you will be glad to know that Cabinet Tales II is in the pipeline. Coming out soon!

NEW KIDS ON THE BLOG
Nairobi Back In The Day
Guessaurus
Proverbs 31 Woman
Medusa

Musiq Soul Child - Girl Next Door

The Friday Nation of 11 March finally published an acknowledgement to me, bringing the Clay Court Affair to an end. It has certainly been an interesting turn of events. I shall duly comment extensively on the ramifications of this to the Kenyan Blogosphere when I have a bit of time.

Jua Cali - NIpe Asali