tHiNkEr’S rOoM

Image above has no relation to content below. Pure coincidence!

Act Two

Backs <The President>: Are we all here? From there? Where we came from?
Moody<Deputy President>: Yes your Excellency. Everyone is here. We can now sing that national anthem and recite the loyalty pledge. Ochillo came late and will have to be punished. Can you kneel down?
Kirwa <Agriculture>: Why do we have name tags? It’s ridiculous!
Odinga <Roads>: (Sotto voice) Because we’re so damn many
Michuki <Security>: (Suspiciously) What was that?
Odinga <Roads>: Nothing, nothing.
Nyongo <Planning>: I think someone spilled something in my chair
Christopher <Transport>: (Mopping his brow from the 5 foot walk from the doorway) You’re sitting in my seat
Nyongo: (Bitterly) Some of us should invest in plastic trousers
Roocy <Diary Controller>: Can we all be seated?
Balala <National Heritage> (Amazement): What ON EARTH is she doing here?
Roocy: I have been voting for the past 40 years and so I’m the most senior politician here
Balala: But you’ve also been taking dumps for the last 40 years. Does that make you the ….
Moody (Hastily): Okay, okay, okay All right then. Can we get started?
Backs: Which reminds me, where is … ah …. This fellow – you know him! Human being, hair on top of his head, opposable thumbs
Kalonzo <Environment>: Santa Claus?
Backs: No, the one who reminds me of him (Points to Ndwiga)
Ndwiga <Cooperatives>: Who? Me?
Odinga: Crooked?
Ndwiga: (Angrilly) I object to that! Are you insuni … insinu .. suni …. ah! Saying! Are you saying I’m crooked?
Backs: I remember now. Kombo
(Collective dawning)
Odinga: Aah! You mean Kombo? The Local Authorities Minister. He and Mwakwere went to Rome
Backs: How far did they go?
Odinga: To Rome
Backs: Yes, but how far did they go?
Michuki: To Rome sir.
Backs: (Growing frustration) I got that part. What I’m interested is where exactly they went
Tuju <Communications>: Vatican City.
Backs: Is it near Othaya?
Odinga: Not really – it’s in Italy
Backs: (In shock) They went all that way?
Tuju: (Puzzled) Yes. You told them to go there.
Backs: But they told me they wanted to go to roam! The grounds are here, they were here, and the fence is there…. What’s all this talk of Italy?
(Loud voice) GROAN! And he’s Commander in Chief of Armed Forces!
Michuki: (Suspiciously) Who was that?
Odinga: Someone here can throw his voice
Backs: That must be that loud ‘thud’ I just heard
Charity <Health>: No, that was our popularity falling.
Munyao <Livestock>: Aah. Here’s the tea girl with tea and mabuyu. I’m starving!
Daudi <Finance>: Nick begs!
Tuju: Not fair! Not fair! I cut for you some of my sandwich yesterday! I’m going to tell on you!
Moody: All right, all right. Can we move along! Killimo, I believe you had a presentation to us
Killimo <Immigration>: Thank you. (Gets to her feet and walks forward)
George <Education>: Manyake! All sizes! Manyake! Kama prizes…
Mugo, Tett (Simultaneously and furiously): Objection!
George: (Blushing) Oh my goodness! Did I sing that out loud?
Charity (Angrily): And this is not the first time neither! Just last week he was whistling ‘We Kamu’ as I walked past his office door. Is it in order for such sexist innuendo to be innuendoized?
Kimunya (Sympathetically): If his whistling is anything like his coordination it must have been quite the nasty experience!
George: There comes a time ….
Nyongo: Can we get on!
Backs: Your’re right there. What’s first on the agenda
Michuki: I have a bone to pick with agricultural extension officers! Cows are on heat all over the country and they are not rising to the occasion!
(Shouts of laughter)
Kombo: Isn’t attending to that Munyao’s job?
Munyao (Angrily): And just what is that supposed to mean?
Backs: Please, gentlemen! Can we proceed?
Ndwiga: Yes, on to national issues. We work tirelessly for an hour a day and our efforts ought to be recognized. I propose tax waivers for Cabinet Ministers in recognition.
Daudi (Scribbling in a notebook): Hear hear!
Charity: But that will make the public even more annoyed with us! Please sir, put an end to this nonsense! (Turns to Backs)
Backs: Zzzzzz!
Roocy: There are too many allegations of corruption against my Government …
(Outraged murmurs and shouting)
Odinga (Rising to his feet): Ayayayaya! Whose government? Nishike, maze, nishike! Hold me back!!
Roocy: I have been voting for 40 years and am thus the most senior politician here!
Kombo (Rolling his eyes): Give me a break! That line is quickly getting as stale as ‘working nation’ and ‘zero tolerance on corruption’
Kulundu <Labour>: And while we’re at it what was that crack about 2007?
Roocy: My children and I have not seen any difference in him! He’s the same as he was 10 years ago! Isn’t that so Boyi? (Turns to Backs)
Backs: Zzzz!
Odinga (Bitterly): The fact that you and your children do not see a difference is not proof of his abilities, it is only proof of one thing: that you and your children are in desperate need of an optician!
Christopher: When you have sheep and goats ….
Kalonzo (Irritably): Shut up already with all the Animal Farm talk! Can’t you say anything without involving farm animals?
Christopher (Passionately): Are you trying to get my goat?
(Shouts of laughter)
Christopher: I refuse to be cowed …
(More shouts of laughter)
Christopher: … by sheepish people …
(Still More shouts of laughter)
Christopher: … who are always dogging my tracks …
(Shouts of laughter)
Moody: At any rate at least we know who’d make a good head of the KSCPCA, in case you’re interested in the job
Kiraitu <Constitutional Affairs>: It’s like raping a woman who is already too willing…. Ho ho ho ho!
(Shocked silence. Then a flurry of action as Karua, Charity, Kilimo, Mugo and Tett launch themselves into the air in the process of delivery of flying
kicks. They freeze in mid air (a la The Matrix) before successfully delivering a series of devastating kicks)
Kimunya (Unsympathetically): Well, someone certainly brought that on themselves. Look on the bright side – at least your mouth is straight now
Kiraitu (Sprawled on the floor with high heel marks over
his person): Groan!
Backs: Zzzzz!
Nyachae: No guessing who will be spending his night on the sofa
Ndwiga: This tea has no sugar! How can I dip my bread into sugarless tea?
(All heads turn accusingly to Kirwa)
Kirwa: It wasn’t me, for goodness sake! It’s not like I make sugar in my backyard!
Michuki: (Shouting) Someone taste his tea!
(Ndwiga dips slice of bread in saucer of Kirwa’s tea and samples it)
Ndwiga (Indignantly): This tea has plenty of sugar!
(Collective gasps of shock and amazement)
Nyachae: Can you explain yourself sir!
Backs: Zzzz!

End of Act Two

Cabinet Tales I

Angie Stone - I Wish I Didn’t Miss You

Tuesday found me at Sarit Center’s Exhibition hall at the Safaricom launch of Mobile Office, a GPRS wireless internet solution, as well as showcasing some ICT solutions from partners that are running using Safaricom’s network infrastructure.

Nothing out of the ordinary. I generally don’t mind attending these. I get to eat food not served by people in ridiculous plastic aprons and hats, get to meet new people, get a couple of new contacts, find out what other companies are up to and generally keep a finger on the pulse of industry in Kenya.

The difference was that while I generally attend these in a purely technical capacity, accompanied by a couple of salesmen, this one I attended wearing both hats. Now from the very beginning I was extremely reluctant to come in the sales capacity. People who do sales have got to be the most patient people in the world. I am not one of these.

But it was an interesting challenge, and I generally take these with both hands. And as with most things, I made some interesting observations
- Safaricom clearly has an enormous budget to spend on these shindigs. Hilton were doing the catering, and waiters made sure no guests were standing without glasses in their hands
- However they did a remarkably poor job at promoting the launch. At its peak the attendance was just about 30%
- African time is solidly and deeply entrenched in this country. Things were supposed to kick off at 9:30 but at 10:30 my lads were still twiddling our thumbs as I tried to find out who was in charge and whether they planned to get started while still under the NARC regime
- Many people, and not just foreigners, still consider this country a technological backwater. My colgate smile as I repeatedly fielded the same irritating questions was complimented later by those who know me well
- What? There is GPRS in Kenya?! No way!
- You mean to tell me this software is locally developed?
- There are actually local solutions providers in Kenya
- Did you develop that product yourself?
- Do you have overseas partners for development of these products?
- I can actually do sales if I had to
- Kenyans have an uncanny habit of identifying events offering free food and freely availing themselves of the same. Some rough statistics of people plotted againt waiters and time are shown below: (Squint really hard)

Oh, and lunch was served between 12:30 and 2:30.

PIC OF THE DAY

Sudanese First Vice President John Garang assures Former President Daniel Moi that his shirt is not on fire, as Moi tries to focus his eyes to find the hidden 3D images

NEW KIDS ON THE BLOG
Been a while since I went trawling but here we go!

• This And That
• Aikey
• Tafsiri
• Bubudiu
• Mambo
• Ziwani
• Philosophical Commonplace
• Love, Life & Living
• Bullets & Honey
• Pandemonium Today
• MsaniiXL
• Nakeel

P.M. Dawn - Set Adrift On Memory Bliss

Events over the past couple of weeks continue to leave me undecided whether to laugh or to cry.

Over in Ngong people are living under a siege of sorts, and it takes a particularly brave soul to venture outside past six in the evening, risking loss of assorted teeth, slashed person and life.

Over in Mombasa there are Raiders Of The Lost Ark, or whatever they call themselves training in the jungle. They are not training to play volleyball, but on the contrary they are training in the jungle to fight.

And even here in Nairobi proper we are being mugged, car jacked, assaulted and raped. Personally I am extremely reluctant to be on the streets after dusk, having several times run into gentlemen who very considerately, out of the charity of their souls, go out of their way to relieve me of the burden of my personal possessions. The firmly refuse to believe me when I confess that actually the weight of my money is too much, and my feet don’t need to be held captive by shoes.

Crime is so prevalent it is finding trouble accommodating itself in cities and is now bursting its seams and flooding the countryside.

The Police clearly have a lot to do. But what are they doing?

Last month they were whining about speeding. Huge masses of policemen and policewomen were deployed to spend entire days at the roadside to harass Tuk Tuks, jalopies and other vehicles going 51 km/h on highways.

This week they are whining about TINTED WINDOWS. Troops and troops of police have been deployed to waste their time, and most importantly ours, bleating about TINTED WINDOWS. Did I mention they were harping about TINTED WINDOWS? If they catch you with tinted windows you will be arrested, taken to the police station and generally refused bond and charged in court for having TINTED WINDOWS.

Surprise, surprise, a certain sweaty gentleman is at the helm of the transport ministry and derives considerable pleasure in wasting everyone’s time enforcing laws written when two horsepower meant precisely that, and vehicle exhaust was considerably more solid that it is now, and tended to remain on the road.

And at the same time we are living under a virtual siege, prisoners in our own homes. Some households have windows that are so grilled that sunlight has to knock before being allowed admission. Some gates are locked with padlocks, that are in turn locked by other padlocks and finally the famous anti-janitor is placed in the padlock. As a final safety layer, the anti-janitor has its own anti-janitor.

Traditionally one’s house had one gate but nowadays to be safe you are forced to have a pre-gate, the gate itself and a post-gate. Every gate promises ‘Mbwa Kali’, and to show independence of thought, others volunteer information about ‘Mbweha Kali’, ‘Fisi Kali’, ‘Chui Kali’ and ‘Simba Kali’. Judging from the racket coming from her house, my immediate neighbour may want to put up a ‘Kuku Kali’ sign.

What is it with this Government that makes it unable to prioritize anything? That makes it churn out policies that are either half baked, quarter baked or not baked at all? There must be something in that ministerial oath that reduces your brain cells to cornflakes.

If you think deploying hundred of cops to bleat, low, harp, bark and moo about tinted windows while nothing is being done about real live crooks running around with machetes and clubs is an acceptable state of affairs raise your hand and smack your fat head.

AOB
Been attending a conference so not had much time to blog. Will resond to Quality Control shortly

GROAN OF THE DAY

Q: What did the Pilgrims at the Vatican say as the new Pope was elected?
A : HOLY SMOKE!

Oliver Ngoma - Ameh

<INFO>Just a shotgun post to gather views</INFO>

I cannot speak for other bloggers, and in fact am very skeptical about the concept of blogging ‘just because you can’. Feedback matters to me. Perhaps I should cut down and post weekly…… Anyway, lemme know. I take critique very well.

Nonchalant 5 O’Clock

Deno, over at Virtual Insanity threw a challenge my way. I duly comply (risking getting myself into a situation where I will have to avoid dropping soap in a certain well guarded communal shower)

1 a. Do u think Kibaki is LAZY?
Not really. He just has an acutely severe aversion to exertion of any kind
1 b. Give an instance of when he portrayed LAZINESS as president.
- Never reacts to anything (except when his driver drives away during a drizzle)
- Arrives at Sudan Peace Deal signing hours late
- Arrives at Donor Conferences hours late
- Refuses to take time out to address the nation on his visions
- Failed to go to Rome despite having NOTHING to do here
- Dancing ungracefully in coast while peace is being negociated in Sudan

2 a. What trait do u find the single most detrimental to the national cause?
Tolerance of mediocrity
2 b. Comment on it
Mediocre leaders voted in, poor work ethic, leading to poor service delivery (water, garbage collection, business registration), being late for engagements because of ‘African Time’, thereby making others late, half baked policies, shoddy workmanship (roads), etc

3. What is the most embarrassing thing, in your opinion, Lucy Kibaki has done?
- Snubbing Matere Keriri - so petty!!!
- Speaking for Kibaki — can’t he speak for himself?
- Talking through her hat — whatdju mean ‘there is no corruption in the Kibaki Government, it went out with KANU’
- Talking through her other hat — ‘Mimi kama Rais’
- Talking through her straw hat — ‘I have been voting for 40 years and am therefore the most qualified politician in Kenya’

4. Do you wonder where Wambui, the Hillary Rodham of Kenya, ever went to?
Not really. However sooner or later she will go shopping for 2Ply tissue and sugar under the glare of the camera like she did before

5. Do you care How much influence the First Lady has over decisions made by the president?
Of course! Since Kenyans elected HIM to office Kenyans expect HIM to make the decisions. If (God forbid) I wanted Lucy to articulate policy and make decisions for me in public fora, I’d vote for her (On that cold day in December when pigs fly and lions lie down with lambs)

6. What is the single most critical issue facing the Kenyan presidency today?
Inability to translate visions into tangible results

7. Did you vote in 2002 General Elections? (must answer). No excuses required.
No. But I was at NARC headquarters making sure rigging was not going on. Boy wasn’t that a wasted Christmas!

8 a. Do you care?
Certainly
8 b. Who else would you like to complete this meme
Kenyan Pundit, Bankelele, Githush, Guessaurus, Ms K, Nick, Mental, Afromusing, Maitha

PIC OF THE DAY

A tortoise (no relation should be drawn between this animal and the content above)

Black Eyes Peas - Shut Up

Recent events, chiefly comments by some leading NARC luminaries, as well as the forced resignation of TI boss Gladwell Otieno and the arrest of Reuben Ndolo have left a particularly bitter taste in my mouth.

Call me cynic, but I have never been one for rhetoric. Anyone can talk. Anyone can give stirring speeches. Anyone can write policy papers, memoranda, manifestos and strategic plans. But it is one thing to talk, but quite another to walk the talk.

The NARC Government is one such entity, long on talk and wanting decidedly on walk. When they came into power hope swept this nation, but as every day passes it becomes more and more apparent that the more things change, the more they remain the same.

Maybe its the nature of my work, or my own nature, or combination thereof, but I don’t really care for talk. Show me results. Results are what matter. Talk is cheap. You cannot eat promises and visions. You cannot make money from promises and visions. You cannot prosper fuelled entirely by speeches and conferences.

Granted they have some achievements, but then again I contend it is laughable for me to commend you for doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing. Government’s function is to attend to the education, health and security needs of its populate, and I fail to see why they should be congratulated for doing exactly what they are supposed to do. Whether or not the KANU Government delivered the goods is a moot point, so any defences that start with “At least….” hold no water. You are judged against what you are supposed to do, now what the people before you did.

Take a look at this and decide for yourself whether there is any truth in the allegations that NARC stands for Nothing Actually Really Changed

The bottom line is that we need a complete purge of these people in the next elections. Completely fresh blood, with no baggage and visions of the future, not of tomorrow. For only then will we make strides in rising from being just another poorly manages third world country

AOB
I’m polishing up photos from my Uganda trip (removing errant thumbs, window frames etc). Ought to be done soon. Also Cabinet Tales 2, the successor to Cabinet Tales is getting warm….

Shania Twain - Ka-Ching

Those of us who were obsessed with the 80s cult classic cartoon Transformers, where robots would turn into assorted vehicles and aircraft will be glad to know that there just may be a movie coming out! I await with bated breath.

On the same vein I’m also looking forward to Batman Begins. After that atrocious fiasco with George Clooney as Batman and Arnie Schwarzenegger as Mr Freeze, the franchise can only improve. Batman & Robin is not only the most awful Batman movie, it is also one of the most awful movies of all time. With bollocks lines like these:

It has no chance in heck! The Gothic, mysterious theme was lost completely in a kaleidoscope of mediocre plot, outfits and dialog! Nothing like Batman Forever, with Val Kilmer and Nicole Kidman. Now that was a much better movie, with a great soundtrack

And the last nostalgia inspired movie am waiting for keenly is the Fantastic Four

Yeah, I’m unapologetically a fan of cartoons and comics. So sue me!

AOB
Mwai Kibaki was some hours late for a donor’s conference. He told an amazed audience the reason was that he had a cold

PIC OF THE DAY

U2 - Sweetest Thing

Going through my inbox yesterday I cam across this:

Hmm.

Interesting question. Why didn’t I comment, and what is my stand.

Well, Winnie, Some discussions revolve around issues that are highly polarized. Think Religion, (Islam vs. Christianity, Catholicism vs Protestantism, Atheism vs Organized Religion, etc). Think life (Pro life vs Pro Choice, Capital Punishment, etc). Some topics are so highly polarized that it is difficult to have a discussion about it without people getting hot under the collar. The Schaivo case is one such.

My stand is very simple — a principle I hold very dear is that your life is not your own. It is not yours. You are responsible for it, yes, but it is not yours. Ergo you cannot take away your own (or anyone else’s for that matter). So capital punishment, euthanasia, abortion, etc are out the window. If a crook comes to your house and you set out deliberately to kill him you have a case to answer for. If in the course of defending yourself you end up killing the cretin, that is another case altogether, but as long as you set out to kill him — you have given yourself the role of judge, jury and executioner. That is a no no.

On to Mrs Schaivo. One of the most striking things I have seen in defending the withdrawal of her feeding tube was that it was concluded that her life was not worth living, and she was not truly alive. This beggars the question of what is a life, and when does it begin (another polarized topic!) Your beliefs are already cast in stone, so I shall not try and convince you to see mine. In fact, for this particular issue, it does not matter! If you give me some leg room, I will show you what I mean

March 2005: In a coma
April 2005: Researchers discover a culture that regenerates brain stem cells. This is administered
May 2005: She walks out of the hospital

Bottom line: much as it cannot be proved the culture could be developed, it also cannot be proved that it could. T

Then there is the issue of “her life was not worth living, and she wouldn’t have wanted to live this way”. Large chunks of time were spent debating whether or not she wanted to live in this way. People on the verge of jumping off bridges have precisely the very same sentiments, which they deeply believe. Should we helpfully shoot people who feel their lives are not worth living? Again I get back to my first point: your life does not belong to you, therefore you cannot terminate it.

Why?

Because every last thing on this earth, and every human being has his and her purpose. A small number are aware of their purposes. The rest of us may have inklings or not. It is the height of audacity to purport to know what purpose another human being serves. You simply have no idea. To make things even muddier is that you may actually have several purposes for being on earth, some overt and some covert.

Jesus Christ came to Earth to save Man from his sins (Overt). Along the way he also taught forgiveness and tolerance (Covert). This did not strike people until he had left.

You may think your purpose is to go to school, go to uni, get a job, get married and have kids (Overt). You may not be aware that your little rural cousin has been observing you and has decided to go to school and become just like you, and become an example to his village mates (Covert).

You cannot purport to know why other people are on earth — it may not be as obvious as it seems. It is audacious for you to say “She’s just lying there, not talking, not doing anything, not responding to anything. Besides, she’s costing us money so her life is not worth living.”

Not so fast

Shortly after the 2002 elections there was a plane crash, and one of the passengers, Dr Kihoro is in a coma until today. At face value there is a woman in a coma. But the reality of the matter is that even in her coma she has had effects, some of which are lasting, on many people. The most striking things that I have gotten out of the situation are that:
- Her family has been brought together, and not just the immediate family, by the adversity. I was reading in a newspaper that her family take turns to sit with her in the hospital pretty much all the time
- Soul searching and self discovery for many, including her daughter MJY, triggering a whole new set of activities and initiatives that without a doubt have made some difference. Ask some of the people in Belize
- Those who have never come across faith and hope ought to have a pretty good idea by now about what they are
- Greater awareness amongst the public of neurological issues

And the most striking thing for me is what I have observed in her husband, Dr Wanyiri Kihoro. He’s been on TV and the papers a time or two. One thing that is without a doubt is that this man loves his wife. It is strikingly apparent. He visits her tirelessly and spends hours and hours with her. He misses her but it is not lost on observers that he loves her deeply.

Now I cannot say how many people have observed this and been moved by it but I can for a fact stand up and say that I have, and I hope that I will be love my wife half as much as he loves his.

So no, I do not for one second believe we should withdraw life support because someone cannot talk to us. We never know what God intended for them. Your benchmarks as to the value and purpose of life are not the ones that count. God has been in the business of life for millenia. Let him decide.

HMM OF THE DAY
Someone, whose “life is worth living”, has a blog here that makes me wonder about humanity