Grissom: Ngai fafa! From the very beginning I knew this case would be a tough one. I was under no illusions. I’ve seen many things in the course of my job, including that case where someone quite literally got the taste slapped out of his mouth. He actually lost his tongue. So this case caught my interest the minute I switched on the KTN morning news. I rushed over here with my team. In fact here comes Warrick, Sara and Nick to brief me. Excuse me.

(Lengthy whispered conference)

Grissom: I think now we have all the facts to piece together what happened here yesterday
Warrick: Man, this is one of the most involving cases I have ever worked on. I remember the time …

Grissom: Get On!
Warrick: Right. The facts are as follows (Consults notepad) At precisely 2300 Zulu
Sara: (Wearily) He means 11:32 PM
Warrick: A convoy of 3 Mercedeses, 2 Pajeros, 4 Motor Bikes, 2 Toyota Corollas, a tuk tuk, a BMX bicycle with trainers and 3 poor fools on foot pulled up outside the Nation Center
Sara: The suspect, dressed in a pink dress and blue jeans
Warrick: (Interrupting) You mean a pink sweater and blue jeans
Sara: (Wordlessly holding up photo)
Grissom: Point taken. Go on
Warrick: Preliminarily reports indicate that the culprit was accompanied by 14 body guards and two shy school boys, but the school boys turned out to the Provincial Police Boss and the Central Police Station Boss. The culprit was heard to complain why she was being shown a door and she could clearly see the stairs but was calmed down as it was explained to her that it was an elevator
Sara: The entourage then proceeded to the scene of the crime
Grissom: Witnesses?
Sara: Plenty. Here they come

Clifford Derrick: (Face bandaged) This has certainly been my toughest assignment, and I have covered Shifta fighting in North Eastern Province, in the line of fire
Grissom: That looks painful.
Clifford: (Bitterly) It jolly well is! People are already calling me Kiraitu on account of the changing of the shape of my mouth

Sara: So what happened?
Clifford: We got a SMS from Nation Center and rushed over …
Grissom: SMS? Not a call?
Clifford: Turns out that First Lady objected to telephone usage so someone sent a SMS from under a desk. So we turned up, went to the newsroom and got down to work. Next thing I know something loud and pink whirled up to me and the next thing I know I’m collecting two premolars and three molars from across the room. I used to box but I’ve never been hit so hard in my life. There are still little grooves in my cheek. She took my camera and tried to break it across her knee 14 times before she put it down and began addressing me incoherently.

(Collective wincing)

Grissom: I think you should get your face looked at. Who else was there?
Farida: (Stepping up) Me.

Warrick: Can you tell us what she did?
Farida: Very simple. She talked. And talked. And talked. For over 5 hours. We actually ran out of film. Yap yap yap yap yap!
Grissom: Anything striking in what she said
Farida: (Feelingly) Striking does not begin to cover it. When she was not making goblin like faces that terrified our younger interns, she was speaking vaguely coherently about anything and everything. In summary she:

• Called us idiots
• Accused us of painting her government in a bad light
• Accused us of making Kenya a laughing stock (Get a mirror, whydontya!!)
• Went on a 3 minute hunger strike
• Asked us questions and answered them herself
• Answered questions she thought we had asked
• Answered questions we did not ask
• Refused to answer questions we asked
• Helped herself to our phones, diaries, pens etc. She even took one intern’s Kasuku exercise book
• Ordered water and refused to drink it
• After declaring she was on a hunger strike, called State House to order breakfast. I think I heard something like tea and beans
• Swung on our new office chairs

Grissom: Well, that sounded like a trying 5 hours
Clifford: Tell me about it! I feel like I’ve celebrated two birthdays in there.
Sara: Do we have enough?
Grissom We have enough.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“I don’t buy newspapers. I read them after everyone else”
Lucy Kibaki, First Lady

Eagles – Hotel California