Grissom: Ngai fafa! From the very beginning I knew this case would be a tough one. I was under no illusions. I’ve seen many things in the course of my job, including that case where someone quite literally got the taste slapped out of his mouth. He actually lost his tongue. So this case caught my interest the minute I switched on the KTN morning news. I rushed over here with my team. In fact here comes Warrick, Sara and Nick to brief me. Excuse me.

(Lengthy whispered conference)

Grissom: I think now we have all the facts to piece together what happened here yesterday
Warrick: Man, this is one of the most involving cases I have ever worked on. I remember the time …

Grissom: Get On!
Warrick: Right. The facts are as follows (Consults notepad) At precisely 2300 Zulu
Sara: (Wearily) He means 11:32 PM
Warrick: A convoy of 3 Mercedeses, 2 Pajeros, 4 Motor Bikes, 2 Toyota Corollas, a tuk tuk, a BMX bicycle with trainers and 3 poor fools on foot pulled up outside the Nation Center
Sara: The suspect, dressed in a pink dress and blue jeans
Warrick: (Interrupting) You mean a pink sweater and blue jeans
Sara: (Wordlessly holding up photo)
Grissom: Point taken. Go on
Warrick: Preliminarily reports indicate that the culprit was accompanied by 14 body guards and two shy school boys, but the school boys turned out to the Provincial Police Boss and the Central Police Station Boss. The culprit was heard to complain why she was being shown a door and she could clearly see the stairs but was calmed down as it was explained to her that it was an elevator
Sara: The entourage then proceeded to the scene of the crime
Grissom: Witnesses?
Sara: Plenty. Here they come

Clifford Derrick: (Face bandaged) This has certainly been my toughest assignment, and I have covered Shifta fighting in North Eastern Province, in the line of fire
Grissom: That looks painful.
Clifford: (Bitterly) It jolly well is! People are already calling me Kiraitu on account of the changing of the shape of my mouth

Sara: So what happened?
Clifford: We got a SMS from Nation Center and rushed over …
Grissom: SMS? Not a call?
Clifford: Turns out that First Lady objected to telephone usage so someone sent a SMS from under a desk. So we turned up, went to the newsroom and got down to work. Next thing I know something loud and pink whirled up to me and the next thing I know I’m collecting two premolars and three molars from across the room. I used to box but I’ve never been hit so hard in my life. There are still little grooves in my cheek. She took my camera and tried to break it across her knee 14 times before she put it down and began addressing me incoherently.

(Collective wincing)

Grissom: I think you should get your face looked at. Who else was there?
Farida: (Stepping up) Me.

Warrick: Can you tell us what she did?
Farida: Very simple. She talked. And talked. And talked. For over 5 hours. We actually ran out of film. Yap yap yap yap yap!
Grissom: Anything striking in what she said
Farida: (Feelingly) Striking does not begin to cover it. When she was not making goblin like faces that terrified our younger interns, she was speaking vaguely coherently about anything and everything. In summary she:

• Called us idiots
• Accused us of painting her government in a bad light
• Accused us of making Kenya a laughing stock (Get a mirror, whydontya!!)
• Went on a 3 minute hunger strike
• Asked us questions and answered them herself
• Answered questions she thought we had asked
• Answered questions we did not ask
• Refused to answer questions we asked
• Helped herself to our phones, diaries, pens etc. She even took one intern’s Kasuku exercise book
• Ordered water and refused to drink it
• After declaring she was on a hunger strike, called State House to order breakfast. I think I heard something like tea and beans
• Swung on our new office chairs

Grissom: Well, that sounded like a trying 5 hours
Clifford: Tell me about it! I feel like I’ve celebrated two birthdays in there.
Sara: Do we have enough?
Grissom We have enough.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“I don’t buy newspapers. I read them after everyone else”
Lucy Kibaki, First Lady

Eagles – Hotel California

<INFO> Our ‘working nation’ failed to avail power on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday, at least where I was. Following post was written Saturday evening and is ENTIRELY tounge in cheek, and any reactions should be in said spirit. </INFO>

Note: Any image mix ups are accidental.

An Uruk Hai Chieftain, leading a band famed for ruthlessly efficient warlike tendencies


A Certain East African First Lady, famed for ruthlessly efficient warlike tendencies

One Makhtar Diop, outgoing World Bank Country Director, and his wife and family are unlikely to forget their farewell party, for it is there that an annoyed woman stormed said party and screeched at length about her peace being disturbed in full view of astounded prominent socialites and diplomats.

This happened three times before security personnel finally recovered their faculties enough to keep her out.

Who was this shady character? Why none other than our First Lady! She did not have a red nose, but she was still clearly and unmistakably recognizable.

The laughter with which I read this report caused me to strain some stomach muscles. A CSI representation of events, sourced from a anonymous sources follows.

11:21
Diop is having banter with the German ambassador. Cold drinks are in hand. Crucial and pressing affairs of state are under discussion: “Is Sauerkraut a sausage with a German accent?” Eric Wainaina is on stage. Mercy Myra is awaiting the stage. Waiters are darting around with bitings and drinks. Gate crashers are filling pockets and under pockets. The young at heart are playing shake, having decided that bano would ruin their suits and dresses. Guests are milling around in conversation, enjoying the music. There is a mellow mood in the air.

11:22
A screech that reminded the guests of the winged monsters, the Nazgul, in the Lord Of The Rings emanates from the gate. Anything that is not bolted or tied down is shaken from its moorings. A sound like that of the Tasmanian Devil (the one on TV) rips the air and soon a tornado is amongst them. Some of the guests duck under the table. Others duck behind the slower ones.

11:24
An amazed Diop finds himself confronted by a wild looking creature that he later establishes to be a human female, who gives every indication that she has recently stuck a wet finger into an electrical socket while wearing steel high heels and standing in a puddle of water in soil rich in iron. Hair is standing on end. Some strands of the hair has been standing on end so long they have walking sticks. She is dressed not in Christian Dior or Dolce and Gabanna but in yellow Bubblegummers pyjamas. On her feet are Bugs Bunny sandals with floppy ears. The sandals flash red lights with each step.

Diop reminisces “You cannot be imagining my surprise when she is appearing in front of me, speaking what I am thinking to be ancient Hobbit. I was not understanding a thing she was saying”

Diop’s wife agrees. “My daughter, roused by all the noise wanted to know why she had not been invited to the pyjama party”. She adds cryptically: “Now I see why the hot comb is no longer used.”

Diop continues. “She is wanting to know who my mother is. I was finding that puzzling. I hope she was not thinking she was the one.”

A guest who threatened violence if his name was divulged, continues. “I’ve never seen anyone talk so loudly, so incoherently, and so continuously. Right before I collapsed with laughter all we were hearing was ‘blah blah blah blah’! Still, I count myself luckier than most. Much as I have been in a situation where all my limbs where broken at once and I simultaneously developed a rash all over my body, some poor souls have spent 40 years in the presence of this monstrosity.”

Another guest concurs as he thoughtfully pulls his beard. “My sympathies are with Kibaki. Just imagine — you go to bed, there she is. Wake up — she’s there. Breakfast — tea, chicken and Lucy. Fly to the US — there she is. Go to bandit prone peripheral areas like Mandera and Ijara and there she is. Go to the bathroom — guess who! His shadow is probably followed around by her shadow, the poor schmuck! Probably it was his idea to get her out so he can spend 5 hours of peace and quiet without seeing or hearing her”

Another guest agrees. “Some things should not be seen after taking down half a bottle of Black Label” We felt like Hobbits under a full scale attack by the entire Uruk Army. It was only later that we establish that it was one Uruk — er — first lady. I’ll give her this — she can scare the heck out of anyone!”

Following these current events a flurry of mail has been filling my inbox

.. TO BE CONTINUED

QUOTE OF THE MILLENNIUM
“This is a confirmation of the recent speech by President Kibaki that people from other areas should not bring their rubbish to Nairobi and that the city should remain clean”
Sharriff Nassir, former MP

Michael Jackson – Jam