tHiNkEr’S rOoM

When I was a small boy my dad would normally approach his house and home with quite some trepidation because my welcome could consist chiefly of demanding to be carried on his shoulders. No amount of persuasion, intimidation or corruption (in the form of sweets and assorted confectionery) would induce me to change my mode of welcome.

While perched up there, looking smugly down at the world, my father would impart assorted gems of wisdom to his son, one of which was:

Each and every one of us, as we grow tend to go through the following stages:

1. Dad knows everything
2. Dad knows almost everything
3. Dad knows many things
4. Dad knows one or two things
5. Dad knows nothing
6. Maybe Dad does know one or two things
7. Actually Dad knows many things
8. Dad knows everything

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E-Commerce is a vibrant and profitable enterprise, and after much procrastination I have decided to join the bandwagon.

For the last six months I have been building and testing my Alternative Secure Shop, hereafter known as my ASS. This is an exciting venture modelled after Amazon and E-Bay to allow comfortable shopping from your PC, and have your order delivered to you.

Despite my best efforts to keep my initiative secure, people have been checking out my ASS behind my back.

Someone has even tried to copy my idea and has prominently displayed his Alternative Real time Shopping Experience (ARSE) but I like to believe early observers have been unimpressed. It’s plain to see that an ARSE is really just an ASS. Besides, everyone knows that an ASS by any other name smells just as sweet er … is still an ASS.

The pilot programmes have been largely successful, and several ASSes are currently out there in operation, as capable people do the testing for me. Unless you live under a rock you must have seen an ASS at least once within the past week.

Some people, notably Bill and Sheryl, have complained that their ASSes are too big. Sandy and Ken would prefer if their ASSes were a bit bigger. I told all four that there was nothing I could do about their ASSes. Factors that lead to the growth or decline of an ASS are totally beyond my control.

“Look,” I told them grimly, “No one gets to choose their own ASS. You just have to live with the ASS you’ve got.”

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[Update]

Against my better judgement, I allowed myself to be persuaded to tour Nairobi by night. This is generally a decision I arrive with the feeling a lot like those of early Christians when they witnessed consignments of very large, very hungry lions being unloaded at a Roman port - things were always going to be interesting very soon afterwards.

The first port of call was our usual pizza joint. Placing a large order of pizzas was but a moment’s work. As we sat there a finger tapped my shoulder and I turned to face the beaming and eager face of Anna who is registered in the Book Of M as an acquaintance and will remain this as long as the sun rises in the East.

Anna: Hi!
M: Hey!
Anna: Fancy meeting you here!
M: Well … a chap’s got to eat. What’s up?
Anna: Nothing. Just chilling with a couple of friends. Come say hi?
M: I’d rather paint a boat with my tongue Well…

I hesitated and was lost. Exactly five seconds later I was being dragged across to meet the friends.

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Living in a hotel is something I look upon with fondness. There’s a lot to be said about having your clothes washed and ironed for you, not having to do the dishes, and having your bed made for you. I’m currently investigating if there are any hotels that offer value added services like brushing your teeth and combing your hair for you. The fact that I do not have to spend any of my own money is something I feel sure is a popular concept.

The only thing better than travelling is travelling at someone else’s expense, and the only thing better than that is travelling at company expense. Nothing aids the flourish with which you sign bills with the knowledge that someone else will be coughing up the cash. This way you don’t wince when the smug lady behind the counter informs you crisply that you will be paying close to 100 dollars a night for the room alone. Meals to be charged separately.

When it comes to travelling at company expense my mantra is “deny yourself nothing“. When confronted with the challenging choice between a three course and a four course dinner I heartily recommend the four course. If in the middle of the night you feel the urge for fruit salad smothered in ice cream, pick up that phone. Just think of that chef in the kitchen looking mournfully at his uneaten creations. Have you no heart? If when passing a restaurant you feel the urge for a steak be strong and be firm. Walk in and have the steak. After all, a cow gave up it’s life!

The Grand Palm hotel looked promising from the entrance and did not disappoint

Driving In

The Entrance

The lady behind the counter who checked me in looked and sounded like Barry White, right down to the mane of hair. I knew as soon as she opened her mouth that she was not going to be my friend from the establishment. It is always good to have one of these, who can hook you up with extra pillows, extension cables, and most importantly Internet Access, because the Grand Palm charges the equivalent of .25 $ or 20 bob a minute.

I burst out laughing at this news and cemented the fact that we were not going to be even on talking terms.

“Really? Are your keyboards diamond studded? Or does your Internet traffic travel first class by British Airways?”

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Finally, M has returned to Nairobi.

Which, as usual, was not bereft of adventure, and my old friends Air Botswana featured prominently in the same. It was not enough for them to keep me away from my luggage for a week, oh no, not them!

Thursday
Attempt to change departure date. Get run round so much it is simpler to call Nairobi to do it for you.

Friday
Get confirmation that flight is departing at 8:00 Monday morning

Saturday
With past experience of Air Botswana, call their airport office to confirm. Airport office tells you proudly they are not connected to their main office. Call main office. No answer.

Sunday
Call main office again. No answer. No answer at the airport either.

Monday

M: Good morning.
Staff: Good morning.
M: I’m here for the Jo’Burg flight
Staff: (Cupping hand behind ear) Do you hear that plane taking off?
M: Yes?
Staff: (Smiling sweetly) That’s the Jo’Burg flight
M: Krrrkmtz!!

Had I said what I was strongly inclined to say, I would have left little doubt that I would have made an excellent Commissioner for Oaths.

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The detailed online profiles of those nitwit Oompa Loompas that are our MPs on http://www.parliament.go.ke/ were not totally taken down. You can enjoy reading about their qualifications, ranging from George Saitoti’s PhD, MSC, BA, right down to Njenga Karume’s SMS, ETC, LMAO at this page they forgot to take down.

http://www.parliament.go.ke/members.php

Skee-Lo - I Wish

Sitting here, by these windows,
looking out into the night,
wondering as the wind blows
will we ever get it right.

It’s a sad kind of funny,
a funny kind of sad…

Elton John - Nikita