E-Commerce is a vibrant and profitable enterprise, and after much procrastination I have decided to join the bandwagon.

For the last six months I have been building and testing my Alternative Secure Shop, hereafter known as my ASS. This is an exciting venture modelled after Amazon and E-Bay to allow comfortable shopping from your PC, and have your order delivered to you.

Despite my best efforts to keep my initiative secure, people have been checking out my ASS behind my back.

Someone has even tried to copy my idea and has prominently displayed his Alternative Real time Shopping Experience (ARSE) but I like to believe early observers have been unimpressed. It’s plain to see that an ARSE is really just an ASS. Besides, everyone knows that an ASS by any other name smells just as sweet er … is still an ASS.

The pilot programmes have been largely successful, and several ASSes are currently out there in operation, as capable people do the testing for me. Unless you live under a rock you must have seen an ASS at least once within the past week.

Some people, notably Bill and Sheryl, have complained that their ASSes are too big. Sandy and Ken would prefer if their ASSes were a bit bigger. I told all four that there was nothing I could do about their ASSes. Factors that lead to the growth or decline of an ASS are totally beyond my control.

“Look,” I told them grimly, “No one gets to choose their own ASS. You just have to live with the ASS you’ve got.”

There were also some complaints that I spent too much of my time looking at Olivia’s ASS but this is something I hotly dispute. I look at Olivia’s ASS just as much as any other ASS under my tutelage. But I must confess that since everyone puts different levels of effort into their enterprises, some ASSes simply look better than others. Additionally, I have always preferred larger ASSes. They show more promise, and are generally a joy to watch.

One of my oldest friends, Jane, who works for one of the leading Kenyan banks, wanted a bit of ASS on the side but I did not think she could handle my ASS as well as her full time job. It is never wise to bite more than you can chew.

As for Bob, he has quite frankly crapped up his so much that no one will touch his ASS with a pole.

Just last week Linda spilled a whole cauldron of rain water on her premises. I told her very quickly to wipe her ASS before any equipment was damaged.

Enemies of course about out there, especially in this hostile environment. Hellen has just left my office complaining that some people have tried to grab her ASS. I find this unacceptable. How dare anyone grab someone else’s ASS? It’s just not right!

Next month I will be experimenting with a smaller installation, which I will call a Half ASS. However, factoring in that any sales from this installation will be called Half ASSed sales, this may on the whole be unwise.

What may turn out to be a problem are fellows like Bob and Pete, who are completely obsessed with ASSes. They spend more  time than is good for them imagining the perfect ASS and what they would do with it once it was within their grasp. This i feel is not healthy.

I must say my initiative has not caught on well in the business fraternity. Irate CEOs have been yelling at me about their employers using valuable time and money checking out ASS on the Internet. What, I ask, is wrong with online ASS?

I also need to speak to my receptionists whenever she fields calls from my own ASS. Yesterday she interrupted a board meeting as she announced

“M, your ASS is on the line!”

This can be so misconstrued!

Bob and Bill, two halves of one ASS, have been heard to fight in public. This is the kind of thing I will not stand for.

“Gentlemen, you will NOT shake your ASS. There is too much at stake”.

Frank says that he wants to move locations from Town to Upper Hill. I wished him all the best as he Hauls his ASS.

In a meeting yesterday Gloria said that the police were complaining her premises encroached on the roadway. Henry gleefully suggested that the only thing to was to back her ASS up. I agreed. It was either that or have the cops on her ASS.

We had our first case of an ASS Bandit this morning when Chris attempted to invade Greg’s ASS. Luckily, his attempt was thwarted. It turns out that Chris had an ASS of his own, and objected to Greg taking a whip to his ASS. Our sympathies were with Chris. It is never pleasant to have a whip taken to your ASS. What on earth would you do with it?

I have been wondering the best way for people to pay homage to my idea … currently I’m leaning towards kissing my ASS.

Happily, I have been able to segment my competition into four:

• Alternative Service Solutions – Without Internet Presence or Experience (ASS-WIPES)
• Alternative Service Solutions – Home Oriented Large Enterprises (ASS-HOLES)
• Alternative Service Solutions – Kenyan Indigenous Solutions & Services for Export Regimes (ASS-KISSERS)
• Alternative Service Solutions – Consumer & Home Embedded Entrepreneurs in Kenya (ASS-CHEEKS)

I must say that having done my due diligence, I am fairly confident I will succeed.

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