Teacher: Good morning children.
Cabinet: Good morning teacher!
Teacher: Did you have a nice night?
Cabinet: Yes teacher!
Raila: (Indignantly) Teacher, teacher! Someone here has pooped his pants, and on a scale of 1 to 10 a strong 97. Can we get Hans Blix in the house?

{Children turn accusingly to Murungaru}

Murungaru: Waa!! That’s not true! Why do they always pick on me? Waa!
Kituyi: It’s still morning, for crying out loud! Does that boy eat by the kilo?
Teacher: All right, all right, let’s all calm down and get back to the lesson
Nyongo: (Indignantly) Get back to the lesson? It smells like a sweating dead skunk here!!
Teacher: Chris? Can you come with teacher to wipe your bottom?
Kimunya: (Sotto voice) Well teacher, there goes your morning!
Murungaru: (Loudly) Waa! Waa! Did you hear that teacher?
Teacher: Oh be quiet!

{Carries Murungaru Off}

Emilio: Now, about that showdown in the playground later on …
Raila: Yes, now we’ll know once an for all who is the king of the playground
Tuju: Some of us just have a lust for power and want to grab it through the back door. We are power hungry power grabbers.
Nyongo: Oh shut up, you irritating little weasel. Contrary to what your mother told you, a 3 year old baby looks ridiculous with sideburns! Those are so seventies! Who do you think you are? Shaft – One bad Baby?
Tuju: Waa!
Mwiraria: Hey leave him alone!
Kalonzo: Why are we listening to you, a baby without a neck?

Teacher: (Returning, and now wearing a surgical mask and heavy gloves) Okay, okay, what’s all the noise about?

Mwiraria: He says I don’t have a neck! Waa!
Teacher: Well, many of you will grow up and turn out to not have backbones so don’t feel so bad. Let’s get back to the lessons. We were on the alphabet. Let’s have a word starting with the letter P. Peter?
Nyongo: Pragmatism
Teacher: Err … yes.
Ndwiga: Ha ha! Paragamatism? What a fool! What sort of word is that?
Teacher: Pragmatism. It means something – er – beyond your years.
Raila: Let that loud mouthed oaf give us a word!
Cabinet: Yeah!
Ndwiga: Easy! P for philosophy

{Immediate uproar}

Teacher: (Loudly) OK children, quieten down. Let’s have another word. Emilio?
Emilio: Pumbavu.
Teacher: Oh my! I’m not sure that is entirely appropriate
Kirwa: What a gutter mouthed little boy! To think when we say “leaders of tomorrow” he is covered!
Teacher: (Hastily) Let’s try another exercise. Let’s make sentences using words with the letter P.
Emilio: Plenty of people are pumbavus, perpetuating pumbavism from every pore….

{Immediate uproar}

Kombo: I’m going to tell my father, and then we will sit down around a table as leaders and dialogue this. There is nothing we cannot solve without dialogue. Dialogue it he best thing since sliced bread. There is nothing better than dialogue, especially around a table. Especially if the table is round. Dialogue rocks. Dialogue is the best …
Ngilu: (Scathingly) Dear Lord you are a boring baby! Small wonder you were born prematurely!
Kilimo: That’s why he sat alone at Betty’s birthday, the boring little bugger! Come along girls!

{Baby girls crawl energetically away from Kombo}

Kombo: Wait! Let’s sit around a table and dialogue this …

Betty: (Crawling furiously) Shut up!

Teacher: OK, OK. Njenga, can you give us a word?
Raila: On a point of order teacher, is it on order for almost toothless toddlers to be in the same classroom as a student who is in not only considerably past his milk teeth, but possession of his second set of teeth, an ID card and a driver’s licence?
Teacher: Well – it’s never too late to learn
Kituyi: I beg to differ teacher! Most of us cannot run but this gent can not only run, he can also run for president!
Teacher: Let’s not talk about that today.
Njenga: I’m not old! I’m just mature for my age!
Balala: Yeah, 930, you Methuselah you!! Cain and Abel were probably your big brothers!
Teacher: Now now, that’s not a nice thing to say. Let’s move on with the lesson. Moody?
Moody: Pimp pimp!

Teacher: (Horrified) Mudeyi!!!
Moody: That’s Snoop Moody Mood to you trick! Just you wait till my toy car gets here sugar — we painting the town red tonight!
Kalonzo: Look at this Snoop Doggy Dogg wannabe! Give a baby G-Unit pampers and thinks he’s the one!
Saitoti: Teacher, when do we get to play?
Kirwa: Play? The most uncoordinated baby in the school who can barely walk upright?
Saitoti: Waa!!
Emilio: Can we stop this pumbavuism and get the pumbavu on with it?
Teacher: Emilio! Really! Imagine you were the president? Would you say that if you were the president of Kenya?
Emilio: (Without hesitation) Yes!

{Kiraitu crawls in}

Nyongo: How kind of you to join us!
Teacher: Where have you been?
Kiraitu: Oh here and there.
Teacher: Can you give us a word starting with the letter P?
Kiraitu: Panana

{Uproar}

Kimunya: (Indignantly) Really!
Teacher: No Kiraitu, that is B not P. Give us a word with P
Kiraitu: Prostitute
Teacher: (Blushing) Really! I can’t think where you learn all these words!!! I think we can stop here for a snack. Would you like a snack?
Kiraitu: Would I like a snack? That’s like raping a woman who is already willing! Ha ha!!!
Teacher: (Angrily) I can only hope your foot and mouth heals soon or someone will slap your mouth onto the other side of your face! Enough with spelling. I think we can all do with a nursery rhyme. Anyone?

Kiraitu: Let’s talk about SEX baby,
Let’s talk about YOU and ME …

Teacher: (Appalled) Oh my goodness!!! What a foul mouth little beast! No, that is NOT a nursery rhyme

Michuki: Grab your Glocks when you see 2Pac,
Call the cops when you see 2Pac, uh,
who shot me …

Teacher: (Grabbing hair) No! No! No! What are you singing?

Emilio: Baby, I can’t hold it much longer
It’s getting stronger and stronger
And when I get that feeling
I want Sexual Healing
Sexual Healing, oh baby

Teacher: (Collapsing in chair) I am so fired!!

Raila:  DANGEROUS (Yee hee!)
The girl is so dangerous (Yee hee!)
I have to pray to god
’cause I know how
Lust can blind…

Teacher: (Rolling eyes) Goodbye teaching!

Kombo: 1 potato, 2 potato, 3 potato, 4 …

Nyongo: (Irritably) Don’t you ever take a break from being boring?!

Ngilu: It’s raining men …
Kilimo: Hallelujah …
Ngilu: It’s raining men …

Teacher: (Desperately) Children!!!!!

Saitoti: Get Up!
Mwiraria: Get on up!
Saitoti: Get Up!
Mwiraria: Get on up!
Saitoti: Stay on the scene …
Mwiraria: Get on up!
Saitoti: Like a se-

Teacher: (Loudly) Thank you boys!!!

Beth: I want a man with a …
Karua & Tuju: Slow hand
Beth: I want a lover with an …
Karua & Tuju: Easy touch …

Teacher: Straight to hell. That’s where we’re going!

Betty: Mr Loverman, give it to me, Mr Loverman …
Emilio: SHABBA!

Teacher: (Banging head repeatedly on desk) Enough! You dirty little boys and girls! I shudder at the thought that you are tomorrow’s leadership!

The Shirelles – Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow