33

Sounding Off

Posted October 12th, 2005 in Vents by M

This post may contain ‘French’

Of Language

Picture this if you will. You speak Hottentot, French, Kiswahili, Hindi, Kikuyu, Luo or whatever your mother tongue happens to be. You are seated at a table with a friend and colleague who also speaks the same language, and also present at the table is a third person who does not. However you all speak English, or some common language

Language

Now, if you insist on speaking to your friend and colleague of the same ilk in your language while leaving the helpless third person who does not speak it to sit there helplessly and foolishly you are precisely the kind of ass who needs to have his backbone kicked out of the top of his head and beaten with said backbone.

It is rude, shameless and thoughtless of you to gibber, roar and guffaw with your friend while the third person sits there with that embarrassed half smile of someone who does not know what to do with himself as you two nitwits hold forth amongst yourselves! Your levels of being asses is directly proportional to how long you continue to converse merrily in your secret tongue leaving your hapless third colleague to feel like a sand salesman in the Kalahari.

If you are one of these Oompa Loompas do yourself and the collective gene pool a favour and style the hell up.

Of Tribe

Even in the World Wars when some poor fool was captured by the enemy, people bent on uniting him and his maker, he was only asked for his name, rank and serial number.

Even when other persuasive means like chemicals and pliers were brought into play they did not bother to ask for tribe.

Even perfect strangers upon meeting for the first time will look long and hard into cloudless skies and ask each other whether it feels like it is going to rain.

But some Kenyans, oh no!

Tribe

After knowing your name they will immediately seek to know your tribe. Some do not even want to know your name before you know your tribe.

Not that I have anything against tribes. Quite the contrary. Culture is a very important aspect of human society. What I object to, and object to strongly, is why it is so important that you can judge and compartmentalize a person based solely on the language they speak.

If the words “What tribe are you” cross your lips two minutes after meeting someone for the first time, you are an ass. Believe it. If your speech regularly contains sentiments like “Blacks are …” or “Whites are …” or “Kikuyus are …” or “Jangos are …” or “Kambas are …” or you are not just an ass, you are an ass among asses. When asses get together they unanimously hail you as the king of them all.

And no, “It’s just a joke” is no excuse. It is Gadarene swine like you who are taking us straight back to the middle ages. One Hutu – Tutsi thing is quite enough, thank you very much!

It is not debatable. You are an ASS!

If you are able to justify your nonsense comments you are a bigger ASS than you know!

Of Ignorance

While at work I have occasioned to meet many white people (the politically correct term escapes me at present). Some are born on the continent and have grown up here and tend to be better informed. Others are expatriates who flew in last night from America / Holland / UK, etc.

Again, most of these have been to school and have seen life and are also well informed. But as usual, there will always be one or two dimwitted smurfs with the intelligence of a garden gnome. I have lost count of the number of occasions in my professional life that I have had the following discussion:

Ignornace

M: Mr. Smith? Good morning.
Ass: (Irritably waving me away) Damn hawkers! No, I don’t want to buy anything! I’m to have an important business meeting and am awaiting my appointment so shoo!
M: (After long pause filled with Unchristian thoughts) That would be me.

Or this one

M: Right, Mr Smith. I’ve brought the solution. We can roll out today.
Ass: Where’s your boss?

Or this one

Ass: How about PDAs? You know, a PDA is this little computer that you can hold in your hand ….
M: I’m perfectly aware what a PDA is

The one I absolutely hate is this one

Ass: You did all this? Yourself?

Be aware that henceforth I will introduce powerful and long lasting laxatives into the food and drink of people who poison my immediate environment with this belittling nonsense on account of my ass being black.

Of Smoking

I have no problem with smokers. Most are well behaved and realize that smoking is an acquired taste.

Smokin

But then there are those who are not so well behaved and insist on smoking everywhere, even where they have been kindly asked not to.

To this I object, and object strongly.

If you are the kind of person to enter a restaurant, shove the no smoking sign on the table aside and proceed to light up, do not be surprised if someone pulls the cigarette out from between your lips, turns it around and puts it out on your eyeball.

Of Borrowers

The world can be neatly divided into just two types of people – those who return things they borrow and those who do not. That’s right, flinch. I saw that. Recognize yourself, do you?

Borrow

Some months ago while visiting a friend of mine I saw a book that caught my fancy. Imagine my amazement, after persuading her long and hard to lend me the book, to open the book and find my name cheerfully looking back at me.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to RETURN THE STUFF YOU BORROW!

Of Domestics

If you are Mr. Smith and you unwisely appreciated the curves and contours of shapely lass while in the hawk eyed presence of Mrs. Smith, or whatever reason that caused you to be ejected from the matrimonial bed and bedroom and have a disturbed and uncomfortable slumber on the couch too small to accommodate your frame, then we are sorry for your discomfort.

These things happen, and it is sad. If while you were sleeping on the sofa the dog peed in said sofa and the cat took a dump in your new shoes we feel for you even more.

If every wheel in your car, including the spare wheel and the steering wheel simultaneously had a puncture then we stand together in feeling your pain.

At Couch

However we refuse for one second for you to bring your foul moods and disgruntled spirits into our society. You will not come grunting and scowling at us. You will not raise your voice at us.

No you will not.

Taking out your problems on innocent bystanders is, and will always remain, a no-no. It does not matter if you are the guy paid to remove green stuff between tiles in the bathroom or your first two names are William Henry or George Walker.

AOB

Be sure to check out Overheard In Nairobi, and chip in! :D

ZEN MOMENT OF THE DAY
There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can’t

Simon & Garfunkel – Scarborough Fair
  • http://prousette.blogspot.com prousette

    Some funny read dude!
    I feel you on tribesmen and women,smokers, borrowers and people who feel superior just because they flew in whereas I was born here. There is no politically correct term for this? How about melanin deprived?
    Kindly desist from equating the beautiful, not to forget, important part of the human anatomy with crassness.

    :-?

    My condolences to all the Mr Smiths of the world especially if they happen to be the boss.

    You mean your worst wishes …

    An idle question where is the French part?

    None so blind as those who will not see
  • donworry

    The post is fantastic. I am a recent convert. You’ve put into words the chill I feel whenever I’m in situation 1 above, and some moron of a friend or family member insists on prattling on in our tongue(gujerati) and my girl(from Ainabkoi) is completely lost.

    Still thinking on a workaround for that one — right now I just break out a novel, or drum my fingers annoyingly on the table >:)

    The other item that sent warm waves of pleasure thru my mind was how you have single handedly managed (to smith’s utter patronising amazement) to divide all the world’s peoples into two ethnic groups: the borrowers and the borrowers that return. I am solidly rooted in the first camp though it is my life’s ambition to one day evolve into the better ethnic class.

    :)) So you’re one of them eh? It’s OK. I’ll borrow something from you that you’ll definitely need. Saym a kidney …

    Back in my day the cassification was clearer. There were 2 classes; those who classify people into groups and those who don’t.

    =))
  • lk

    LOL. I feel you on those ignorant people who ask what tribe you belong to. Out here, most Kenyans I meet will ask me where I’m from (not quite as direct as my tribe – HORROR) and I give them some obscure tribe-less place near Nairobi, and they insist “No where are YOU from?”. And I insist on my small town, until they finally ask me where my parents were born. Absolutely absurd!

    I hate that too! What do they mean where am I from, and what relevance is it to the price of tomatoes??
  • http://chrenyan.wordpress.com Chrenyan

    @donworry

    That classification is too sawa!

    Isn’t it? :))
  • http://ajkenswi.blogspot.com Adrian

    just this saturday i was on the train and there was some drunkard who needed to smoke in the non-smoling area…

    Wish he set himself on fire

    pity about the ignorance stuff; but don’t let yourself be put down, you just do your thing!

    I have no intention of being put down by anyone
  • http://guessaurus.com Guess

    :) :) :) That is first for the hilarious post – and second for the fact that you are venting. Let it all out M ;)

    :D

    Now, on Language – people who, just because you happen to be in a Kenyan gathering a) you are Kenyan, b) you are Kikuyu and proceed to speak to you in the language! How many times have I had to explain that no s/he is not Kenyan/Kikuyu – then they proceed to question the person! Yes, they qualify for the ASS category.. You are not in Kenya, so why should you behave like you are in your cucu’s backyard? Hmm…

    You can take the villager out of the village ….

    On Tribes (being Kyuk means I notice this more :( ) – other people being described as “That Jaluo, that Kao” etc – as in he is a tribe first and then a human being! AAAAAS……

    Amen!

    LOL :) – Now, why would someone think you are a “Damn hawker” M? *Ducks* :)

    You
  • http://farmgal.wordpress.com Farmgal

    I totally feel you on the language thing. I have lived with people who dont care if you understand them or not, they will speak in their mother tongue and occassionally translate what they are saying in the midst of laughter. honestly……… A smoker who find you at the bus shelter, takes a seat next to you and…..wait for it…… lights up! Its winter and its raining and the wind is blowing all the smoke into your face. what to do but to stand yourself in the rain!

    People! x-(
  • babaW&M

    Great post kama kawaida. Tribes have further been classified esp. is you are from close to the Mountain (people say that like there is only one). If you are one who uses your other name (not the one that was accompanied by a spalsh of water) some guys immedately launch the vernacular and want to know where it is that you come from X or Y or Z cannot be anywhere else.

    You’d think we get wiser with age! Sad thing is asinine politicians are fanning this crap

    Nice picture of the Native guy witha vulture within.

  • http://msaniixl.com. Msanii_XL

    love this post

    Mr.hawker guy..ha ha its guess’s fault…

    :))

    the tribe thing happens to me so often the chip on my shoulder wore out, looks of disgust have my face needing botox sugery. now i just give them a blank look..when i’m generous Tashkent(what?? it could happen) is my place of birth…

    I’m thinking of creative ways to answer that question the next time it surfaces. Martian?

    Such patient chap you are with the ignoramuses….can you be sacarstic yet proffesional? rhetorical question

    You can indeed — i’m working on polishing the art!
  • I

    figure since you cannot avoid running into ignorant folks, esp those that ask what tribe you are from first (in Kenya) and where are you from (in the states) i have found that answering the question and asking the Ass the same question, leaves them thinking. “am I really an ASS?”

    as for borrowers who don’t return stuff, i have found that pay back works, be sure to borrow something they need and keep it “borrowed” till you get your stuff back.. just be sure not to give them something you need..

    Good idea – i’m thinking kidneys :D

    to be ignorant while on the job has to be a crime. that goes to show whomever hired you, was just as ignorant as you are making your company look like “ignorant and associates co.” i think those should be grounds for termination..

    Huh?? :-\
  • W.M.

    No M, how do you REALLY feel about things? Please, don’t hold back–I’m worried that all this repression will stunt your spiritual growth. LOL as usual.

    I let loose exactly 3 times a year, and in fact I have a backlog! :)

    It’s me the friendly stalker and thanks for answering those questions in ways that keep me thinking. Eggzellent!

    Ati you were going to stop blogging? Which country were you planning to move to and what false identity would you have adopted to keep us from finding you and forcing you to a keyboard with strict rations of bread and water? My friend, be serious, nani! Oh, and that title you were asking about? ” The Unbwoggable Blogger” Nice ring, no? But now it has to go and it is all your fault, so I may sulk for a while….

    I’d just have hidden in parliament. Do one would have thought to look for me there.
  • http://haidhuru.blogsome.com Mutumia

    M– your blog is excellent but would be better if you told us what tribe you are so we could put it in perspective, ii tukimyenye. Thanks man.

    Oh BTW- I really like the design of your blog- si you lend me the software ‘casue my g***damn comp crashed and I am sssoooo mad- urrghh!!! *going off to smoke near kina Guess*

    Me? I’m a Hottentot :D
  • http://guessaurus.com Guess

    @Msanii – Oi, there is a certain shoe with my name on it G-forcing its way towards my head – I duck, you get it!

    Puts into perspective “knocked out by association” – that goes for you too Mutumia :)

    @M – can you hit three heads with one shoe? Go on, prove it :)

    You’d be surprised just how many heads a well thrown gum boot can hit B-)
  • http://bilazWellidontwishtodiscloseatthemoment brainz

    Preach on Brutha Preach!!!! Its about time we put a stop to this growing up we didnt care what tribe any of our play mates where. Tukienda kucheza bano no one was asking ka we ni mjaka ama Kyuk/kao etc. ata kwa mchongoano very few were of tribal basis. nowdays its such an issue ignant folks always gotta ask stoopid Q’s.

    How true! Kids don’t see tribes … is it that we get stupider as we get older?

    like the bart simpson pic. :-)

  • http://ngoma-cia-kari.blogspot.com/ Wangari

    i am with farmgal on those people who smoke at the bus-stop and its raining so you cant move… it happened to me this morning. aarrgghh!!! well said M.

    On mother tongue speaking, i’ll admit i have been a culprit once or twice… (hangs my head in shame and accepts the “ASS” post it on my forehead)

    Tsk tsk!
  • Dusty

    Yeah… the “where are you from” question is really irritating! I simply say that I’m from Nairobi, but what follows immediately is “no, I meant where were you born” and then I’m like “I was born in Nairobi (duh)”. THEN what gets to me is that such dumbos proceed to ask: “and where is your father from?”… (grrrr!) to which I reply “Kenya”. At that point I decide that such a person isn’t worth talking to a minute more, give them the look of death and kill the conversation.

    :)) Why do people need to know where my father/mother is from?!!
  • mruhya

    Dunno if someone else has had this experience – u enter a mat in this our capital city (or duka or wherever) and the dere/kange starts by shouting something to u in his/her mothertongue! dont mean to classify but theres a particular language that is prevalent in these situations…

    :)) :))
  • http://echomouse.blogspot.com/ Carrie

    I’m in complete agreement with you on all of it.

    Here’s something interesting. Reading about the ASSes, I thought “that’s exactly how people treat women, particularly in industry”. I’ve been subjected to it repeatedly for a long time. It’s sad that anyone can speak up against this treatment EXCEPT a woman, or else she’s called a raving lunatic or a feminist. I’m neither of those by the way.

    Seems there is some sort of entrenched stereotype in industry, especially IT

    What a world we live in. Definitely needs improvement on so many fronts. Great post.

    I’m beginning to doubt if we get wiser as we get older
  • http://nakeel.blogspot.com nakeel

    The classification u gat it right bratha.. Can show how good you were in classification lessons for Bilogy in Form Two ( if u ever did 8-4-4) Ditto..

    :)) Those are not fond memories! I remember an exam where we were asked to classify tilapya and kikuyu grass — only got as far as animalae and plantae!
  • http://guessaurus.com Guess

    Would it be too much to ask what ate my first comment, dude?
    Did it get wiped off together with the smug look on me face that I had eluded the ‘gum boot’ and thought you looked like a ‘hawker’ :(

    The software apparently decided your comments and allegations were spam (software seems to becoming more intelligent by the day) =)). I’ve however pleaded your case and called back the attack dogs :D

    *Sob* – its Msanii’s fault – I swear it is *sniff*

    A plot rising to the highest levels of power! Msanii was seen with a banana round his neck and an orange in his back pocket
  • TeeJ

    Ouch!! I’m guilty….I’m too embarassed to say of what, but damn, like u said, trying to explain makes one even more of an ass. But maze sometimes it just tokas..:-)

    :)) Aha!!!
  • Ni2

    Tribes! I get alot of that! Too much. Especially since to most Asses I dont look like someone of my tribe :-) Like this is my fault. (I find that statement very annoying… “Oh you dont look like a !” — idiots!) I think next time IM told that I’ll say… “Oh well YOU look EXACTLY like a “)

    :)) I feel you. Equally worse is peeps who just assume you’re one of theirs and they start rapping in their own language!

    As for borrowed items…
    I just love it when I give someone something and tell them… please take care of it… the moron agrees and swears various oaths on how they will guard it and return it asap. And then disappears from the face of the earth. When I finally manage to track down the nitwit… and ask them for my stuff they proceed to say “Ahhh sorry I lost it”… or “Sorry I GAVE it to XYZ who lost it” At this point the only thing that stops me from causing Grevious Bodily Harm is that fact that I will most probably be the one who gets hurt more. (yeah I cant fight for sh*t)

    I think i’ll start invoicing people from now on!

    You lose my stuff and think that a “Sorry” is enough! And then have the audacity to come and borrow something else… so that you can lose it again.

    This is a very sensitive issue… I wish I had the words to express myself more!!!

    Preach on, preacher! =))
  • http://crystalnotsoclear.blogspot.com kipepeo

    LOL at borrowing your own book! sounds just like something that could happen to me!! haha!

    :)) Are you a member of this Legion Of One Way Borrowers?
  • http://mywordsonly.blogspot.com acolyte

    Well borrowers got to me to the point that i have a very small lenders club.The last straw came when I replaced a book that i had borrowed from a lib only 2 find it at the digs of a friend of the borrower and to be duly warned to return it asap!
    As for tribe I do not bother most of the time and let the other party bring it up.I have the ignominy of having looks of 2 seperate tribes so I have been addressed very vocally in a language that i dont understand.I think that we Kenyans huku stato should look past tribe and pull together coz ppl here are so petty bout such.
    As for stupid comments made by white folk……those indeed are legion ie your english is so good!Where did you learn?Me-from the air hostess on the flight coming here!

  • Ni2

    @donworry
    >> There were 2 classes; those who classify people into groups and >> those who don’t.

    That classification is so true…

    Im guilty of the former

    Tsk tsk!
  • Msanii_XL

    @Guess…how? why? you little…you had sell me out ehh?

    @M.. after you wake up you shall forget what you saw

    [hypnosis] you are getting sleepy [/hypnosis]..he he

    :-”
  • http://haidhuru.blogsome.com mutumia

    @Guess (can we have a conver-blog in your blog M? :)-

    Karibu karibu. Mi casa es su casa. I take payment in small, unmarked bills though

    Yaani, I broke like 4 rules in M’s rule book and he let me off easy lakini all I did was smoke an unfiltered sigara near you and you’re up in arms!
    *sulking and cowering in a corner, hiding behind Msanii as we dodge imcoming gum boots*

  • Ni2

    M
    what you tsk tsking me for?

    I group people. For example I have a few categories such as

    1. Do not diss group (people who take me waaaaaay too seriously)
    2. Avoid at all costs group (people who I would rather not talk to)
    3. Do not lend stuff to group (people who lose my stuff and say “sorry”)

    etc

  • fantasio

    Dear M,

    A silent but fervent reader of your incomparable prose for some years now, I felt it my duty today to comment on your french diatribe ;-)

    On behalf of my fellow french as^p^p people, I’d like to state that :
    - yes, we are arrogant.
    - indeed we are miseducated.
    - yet we love Kenya !

    So please bear with us…

    Best gretings from France :-)

  • Eclipse

    M ur a genius! dont u just hate those ignorant ASSes! Of those hawkers who ASSume everyone is a kikuyu…..just answer them in your own language.

  • Rere

    Truly spoken dude, There’s this categories of ASSes even after telling them several times over a period of months. Still comes to tell you stories in his vernacular ..assuming everone speaks it..come on …….. mofo for the umpteenth time …i dont speak …..arrggg!

  • chyklady

    The Mr Smith part has really jazzed me coz it fits my pals boyfriend to the skin.The guy can call my pal and ask her where she is then he comes over if we are at home.The guy comes then starts sulking and ordering us to put down the music ati he has migraines so u wonder why he had come all the way coz first of all he wont talk to anyone,dont talk to him and be careful in whatever u are doing in order not to annoy him and his loving migraine

  • http://dy-rants.blogspot.com/ dee

    Funniest stuff I’ve ever read..you’re an amazing writer.

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