The setting is in Parliament buildings, Nairobi

Moody: Order, order! Are we all here?
Kituyi: (Rushing in) Sorry I’m late — oh my goodness! (Looking around) Were we to come in costume? No one told me!
Moody: Of course not! Where did you get such a ridiculous idea?
Kituyi: Then why are you dressed like one of the seven dwarves auditioning for a Western?
Moody: I’ll have you know that this is a very stylish dress
Kagwe: (Sotto Voice) For a smurf!
Ngilu: Gentlemen, please! Can we get on with the meeting?!
Moody: That’s right.
Koigi: Mr President sir, can you open the meeting?
Kibaki: Zzzzz!
Koigi: Mr President?
Nyachae: Clearly you’re new around here and don’t know how things work. His Excellency has been to the London School of Economics, and clearly this is how he was taught to chair meetings! Don’t you know anything?
Koigi: (Blushing) My apologies.
Moody: Now, are we all here?
Karua: We have a seating problem. Apparently this room was only planned for 20 ministers and we are over 80 — we need some more seats
Tuju: Well, we had bouncing castles and stuff set up in parliament grounds yesterday. We can use the tables and chairs that were used for our tea party — I mean, the children’s tea party
Kituyi: Yes, you seemed to enjoy playing house rather a lot
Tuju: (Defensively) I was just getting into the spirit with the children!
Kirwa: What children? There were no children!
Moody: Gentlemen! Let’s have the play chairs brought in then. Some of us are having problems as it is getting onto the chairs we have here!
Mwiraria: (Voice coming from under the table) I heard that!

Moody: Now, are we all seated? Good. Kamanda, can you stop eating Koigi’s dog biscuits!
Kamanda: (Mouth full) Am not!
Koigi: Waaa!!!!
Ngilu: There there!
Kituyi: Please, can we proceed!!!
Moody: We’ll open with a word of prayer
Kombo: (Modestly) If I may …

{Chorus of voices} Oh HELL no!

Kombo: (Surprised) What’s the problem? Dialogue is the answer. We must sit down at the table and dialogue.
Kituyi: No offence, but the last time you led the prayer every last statue in parliament came down from it’s perch and stretched itself out to sleep. Birds migrating south for the winter that were flying over parliament came to roost and have yet to wake up. You have this way of putting things to sleep when you talk…

Kombo: (Outraged) Are you saying that I’m boring?
Kulundu: He’s not saying that at all! All he’s saying it is that you’re not not boring. The last time you read the day’s agenda aloud people could have sworn you read War And Peace from cover to cover!
Kombo: (Suspiciously) Eh — Oh — OK
Ngilu: May I propose Ms Karua to pray for us? After all, she’s even taken tuition from Father Wamugunda himself.
Karua: (Angrily) And what’s that supposed to mean?
Ngilu: Nothing at all!
Moody: Ladies please! Michuki, can you lead us?
Mwakwere: It must be someone from the coast!
Wekesa: Shut up!
Michuki: Rub-a-dub dub, thanks for the grub
Moody: Thank you. Now where are the catering staff? Miss, can you attend to Kamanda? Looks like he might need a new napkin, while you’re at it. Looks like he’s bitten quite a bit out of his.
Kamanda: I want chicken!
Cateress: (Smiling). Ok. Shall I cut your chicken into six pieces or eight?
Kamanda: (Thinking intensively). Eight. I’m very hungry and I don’t think six will do.
Cateress: How about you sir? Would you like some pork chops?
Karume: Certainly not! Pork tastes like pig!
Munyao: Will there be bouncing castles after lunch?
Moody: Yes.
Tuju: And face painting?
Moody: And face painting. There will also be a donkey for rides.
Kituyi: (To Kamanda) Are you sure you can do the rides so soon after lunch?
Kamanda: Why are you asking me?
Kituyi: Aren’t you an ass?

{Uproar}

Moody: Please gentlemen!
Ngilu: Why don’t we have a cook out instead of ordering in like this?
Kagwe: I think not … I’m still using one of your chapatis as a spare wheel
Ngilu: (Angrily) I take objection to that!
Mwakwere: Is the cookout from the coast?
Kagwe: I don’t see why you should. The way to a man’s stomach is through your cooking. And so is the way to fix a puncture.
Mwakwere: Is the puncture from coast?
Moody: Shut up! Speaking of food, Munyao my friend, I think this is an opportune time to point out that banker’s cheques, or indeed cheques of any kind do NOT work with the soda dispensers.
Munyao: (Angrily) I hope you’re not saying I can’t afford!
Wetangula: Which is just as well — the Jacuzzi mysteriously produces more bubbles when you’re in it …
Munyao: (Standing) What? What?! What!!! What?!?
Karua: Sit down, you DMX wannabe!

Kibaki: (Waking up suddenly) Aha!
Moody: Good afternoon your excellency
Kibaki: Is it 2006 yet?
Moody: Yes sir.
Kibaki: (Looking around). What the hell — I thought I’d dissolved parliament!
Moody: You did sir — this is the cabinet.
Kibaki: (Whistling) Dang! Well, Ok. Lunch is it? What are we having?
Wetangula: Well, five loaves have already been brought. Two fish are in the pipeline.
Kibaki: Which pipeline?
Wetangula: It was a figure of speech
Mwakwere: Is the figure of speech from coast?
Kibaki: What speech?
Moody: (Hastily) Glad you’ve joined us sir. We are having a couple of problems sir. It’s the Githongo thing. Some questions have arisen.
Kibaki: Why can’t people let me sit on my fence in peace!! Questions like what?
Moody: Well, there’s the issue of why Githongo was transferred to the justice ministry…
Kibaki: Pumbavus! I thought I’d already explained — the dog ate my speech, and someone changed my backup speech!
Moody: Then there are those ministers implicated — the international community wants you to take action
Kibaki: Take action? Take action? Take it where? And who has it? Who was last seen with it?
Kimunya: I think we should take a common stance of collective responsibility …

{Uproar}

Wetangula: (Indignantly) Some of us should check the expiry dates of whatever it is we smoke
Kituyi: (Angrily) Raise your right hand and smack your fat head
Nyachae: We must stop having these issues under the table
Mwiraria: (From under the table) I agree! Someone should look into getting better furniture
Kiraitu: (Desperately) This is a plot by Raila Odinga, the LDP and the press to bring down the Kibaki Government!
Kimunya: I agree. It’s politics! Who is Githongo? What is Githongo? This is a scandal that never was!
Kamanda: Besides, Kiraitu’s best friend and law partner, Justice Ringera, the head of the Anti Corruption body, will leave no stone unturned in investigating him.

{Uproar}

Koigi: If I understand you correctly some of us have been sticking our hands in the till and vomiting on shoes and the rest of us are supposed to stand by these thieves?
Mwakwere: Is it someone from coast?
Moody: Your excellency, how are we going to deal with this matter?
Kibaki: Zzz!

Moody: Well… for some light entertainment some of our colleagues would like to give us a dance and recite some poetry — SIT DOWN KOMBO!!
Kombo: Not fair! No one appreciates my oratory skills
Karume: What does chemistry have to do with this?
Wetangula: Ha! You’re one to talk! Please, oh please, remind us your conversation with Condolleezza Rice
Karume: (Puzzled) Well, it’s nothing to hide. She asked me if the United States could give Kenya a gift of 20 cruise missiles
Kagwe: (Suppressing laughter) And what did you say?
Karume: (Smugly) She thought she could fool me! Well I got her, I got her good
Wetangula: What did you say?
Karume: (Proudly) I told her certainly not! Why should we settle for cruise missiles? We want missiles that go at full speed!

{Uproar}

Kituyi: (Wiping tears from eyes) Some of us would flounder on a wet floor.
Karume: (Suspiciously) What was that?
Munyes: Nothing, nothing at all
Mwakwere: Is that wet floor from coast?
Ngilu: Shut up!
Saitoti: (Rising) I’ll begin the performances with a dance shall I?
Cateress: (Hastily) Please, can you give us some time to save — er clear, the dishes?
Saitoti: (Suspiciously) Why?
Karua: Well … let’s just say when your brain issues instructions your arms and legs take their time to follow them. The last time you danced for us you broke all the dishes and put three ministers in the hospital
Saitoti: (Miffed) Well! If that’s the way you feel I won’t dance at all.
Kituyi: Hallelujah!
Kirwa: I thought you were an atheist?
Ngilu: Looks like he’s seen that God exists, and that He is good!
Moody: Shall we begin with the performances? First a poem from Karua.

Karua: My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard,
And they’re like, “It’s better than yours”
Damn right, it’s better than yours,
I can teach you, but I have to charge …

Obwocha: (Sotto voice) That would explain …
Moody: (Hastily) Moving on! Next!
Kibaki: (Rising) When I was in the London School of Economics I was famous for my poetry.
Moody: Yes sir, show us how it’s done
Kibaki: (Clearing Throat)
Niko gauge jo,
Niko maji jo,
Niko – Ke-RO RO!
Hakuna kitu naona kwa hii club isipokuwa bia na watoto … Zzz!!
Moody: Mr President?
Koigi: He’s fallen asleep!
Moody: Next!
Munyao: What I’m about to perform is a little number I did at bible study last week. Everyone was so moved they burst into prayer! (Clears voice)
Sijui niseme … sijui niseme …
Nashindwa jo nizame wapi,
nyundo yangu sasa itauwa wapi,
usiwache, endelea, cheza nalo,
mpaka iseme jina zote unazo …
Kituyi: At Bible study you said? Did anyone sprinkle Holy Water on you?
Munyao: (Thoughtfully) Now that you mention it…
Moody: I will be performing a number with a number of my colleagues.

Murungaru: Githongo came in and he caught me red handed,
eating from the treasury store.
Picture this — I was there buck naked,
eating and vomiting on the floor,
how could I forget that he had
been given an extra key,
all this time he was standing there,
didn’t take an eye off me
Maore: But you signed on the contracts!
Mwiraria: It wasn’t me!
Maore: Told the investigators to go slower!
Murungi: It wasn’t me!
Maore: You even read it in Parliament!
Moody: It wasn’t me!
Maore: Put out an ad to say that it was OK
Muthaura: It wasn’t me!
Maore: Transferred Githongo out of OP!
Kibaki: It wasn’t me!
Maore: Wanted to charge him with treason!
Michuki: It wasn’t me!
Maore: Said it was just being hyped up
Kimunya: It wasn’t me!
Maore: Said it was a plot from the Orange!
Kamanda: It wasn’t me!
Maore: But you okayed the contract!
Wako: It wasn’t me!
Maore: You defended them in parliament!
Karua: It wasn’t me!
Maore: Said it was smear from the media!
Kituyi: It wasn’t me!
Maore: You stole from millions of Kenyans!
Mount Kenya Mafia: It wasn’t me!

Mwakwere: Was Githongo from coast?

AOB
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