Bon Appetit

Omosh has for the past few days been a man intimately acquainted with the nuances of suffering. His stomach has been objecting strongly to its contents, and has expressed this displeasure in powerful bursts of diarrhoea. Omosh has made his own beaten path from his workplace to the facilities, and periodically the rhythmic thumping of his footfalls as he plays Russian roulette with his digestive system, rushing frantically for the White Throne.

While Omosh equalizes the pressure within and without, those not on the know are wont to react differently. The most drastic of these was the old man found trembling under the bushes. Upon further questioning, the old man revealed that he had fought in Burma and he knew the sounds of an Elephant gun when he heard one.

But after a brief rule on his ivory throne, Omosh returns to his duties without the bother of washing his hands, and within no time is whistling merrily and tunelessly as he energetically applies his hands and knuckles to kneading the chapati dough. For Omosh is the head chef at one of our leading eating establishments.

As he kneads the dough he hails the arrival of Kamash with a hearty laugh. Kamash is supplementing his income from the catering industry by striking out with a bit of farming. In fact, it is from his farm that he has just arrived, having spent the entire morning digging and furrowing the soil. He did not posses any oxen but what was beyond question was that after a hard morning’s toil he indeed smelt powerfully like one.

A harried waitress collides heavily with Kamash and within moments the isles of a beef stew lie around the islands of Kamash’s big, muddy boots. A son of a soil most days, today he was exceptionally so. Earthy, loamy soil clung grimly to his boots. With a muttered oath Kamash stepped out of the stew, earth suddenly cascading.

The waitress, a believer in wasting not and wanting not, gatherers the beef and soil seasoning into a bowl and it’s back to the stove for some quick heating.

Someone comments about Kamash’s hand-eye coordination and Omosh is overcome in paroxysms of mirth. He takes his hands out of the chapati dough and slaps his grimy thighs with amusement before resuming duty. Tears roll down his cheeks and mix freely with the chapati dough

Kamash has by now removed his sweater and reveled that underneath is a vest whose pigment flits from white in odd areas to a golden brown underneath the armpits. Anxious to get to work, Kamash stuffs several bunches of kale under his left arm and a bundle of french beans under his right. Realizing that he needs to somehow carry the knife, a passing waitress is convinced to hold it in such a fashion as to allow him to grip it with his teeth. And it is thus Blackbeard sets off for duty.

Bertha the cook shrilly demands for Omosh to step on it. Bertha’s red eyes are the very image of the determined employee to work off a debilitating flu. As she deftly spins and flips the cooking chapati with her left hand, she blows her nose with her right. To introduce variety she occasionally changes hands.

Prudence clicks noisily as she discovers while slicing ginger she has inadvertently sliced a passing cockroach into half. After all of a second of thought, Prudence leaves little doubt that in for a penny, in for a pound. She proceeds on to slice the cockroach into quarters, then eights and soon the very finely chopped ginger seasoning is ready.

It is at this point the consignment of meat arrives. It is in a creaking cart being pushed by a beefy, sweating gentleman in a bloodstained white coat. The ashes from his unbelievably pungent cigarette are absently shaken off into the meat.

Omosh temporarily leaves the dough to inspect the meat. This he does simply by grabbing pieces from the cart and examining them from a range of a couple of inches. Some of the pieces of meat appear to be anatomically impossible to be beef or goat or sheep. The discovery of whiskers at the bottom of the cart triggers a fierce bargaining session and finally Omosh accepts the meat.

The butcher is stopped at the door by a bellow and a moment later he reaches into the air and easily catches the dog collar that has been tossed at him, as well as an admonishment to be careful what he forgot in his cart.

A trio of waiters appear with dishes from a tables they have cleared. They quickly divide the leftovers into three

1) White gold – Barely touched food & salad. These are promptly put on new plates and sent right out
2) Gold – Food sightly contaminated by tomato sauce, etc. This is rinsed in the rusted container in the corner.
3) Copper – Unrecognizable. Tomato sauce, chill, already been chewed, etc. This is converted into soup

And so before we sit down to our meal let us let Omosh hurry to relieve the tensions within


Thank ye Ms K

After an initial panic, President Mwai Kibaki walks confidently after remembering that his fancy dress outfit, a clown, is safely in his office

En Vogue – Hold On (To Your Love)

Diary Of A President

Any resemblance to persons, existing or otherwise, is purely a coincidence

10:00 AM Wake Up #1. Look down approvingly at Winnie The Pooh pyjamas


10:01 Fall Asleep

10:30 Wake up #2. Deny vigorously allegations of thumb sucking.

11:00 Presidential Bath (With presidential rubber ducky & presidential battle ships)

11:30 Presidential wash behind the ears

11:40 Breakfast at State House (Weetabix & Cerelac) (Except that one time Besbix was eaten by mistake)

12:00 Quick game of marbles on the lawn behind the kitchen with Stan, Nat & Joe


12:30 Pre-pre lunch nap

12:45 Wake up.

12:46 Who’s Who — Session to remind president who that guy in the army uniform that keeps standing behind him is, who the bald old guy who wears red shirts and blue shorts is, etc

12:50 Pre-lunch nap

1:00 PM Lunch at State House. Presidential bib is deployed before the meal is served. Combination of threats and persuasion to get him to eat his vegetables.

1:30 Mid-lunch nap

1:45 Finish off lunch with a nice warm bottle of milk

2:00 Post lunch nap

4:00 Cops and robbers with Stan, Nat, Eddie & Joe

6:00 Decide on important national business: Famine mercenaries insecurity corruption education jobs health care Mary Wambui & The President

7:00 Take Action on national issues: Fire & investigate corrupt officers, streamline government, promote freedom of expression, tell country vision and current programmes, issue prompt statements about Mary Wambui

7:01 Game of shake with Lucy, Stan, Nat, Eddie & Joe and their wives

7:20 Pre-pre-dinner nap

7:40 Wake up

7:45 Pre-dinner nap

8:00 Dinner

9:00 Watch heavily edited news that is 3 minutes long, including sports

9:03 Read heavily edited papers that are 4 pages apiece (including cover)

10:00 Consult with Stan, Nat, Eddie & Joe

10:30 Glass of milk


10:45 Put on Jungle Book pyjamas

10:50 Discover that the tops and bottoms have been mixed up

10:55 Put on Jungle Book pyjamas correctly

11:00 Bed

11:20 Ordered to go and put down Presidential Toilet Seat

11:30 Sleep

James Brown – Soul Man

24 – Mercenary Edition

24 Logo

Events Occur in Real Time

Jack: (On phone) Ngai fafa!!!

Jack Bauer
Tony: (At CTU) What’s the matter Jack?
Jack: This has got to be the most confusing interview I’ve ever been on. I’d rather work on stopping 40 nuclear bombs in Los Angeles than spend 10 minutes in Nairobi
Tony: (Concerned) What’s up? I can deploy a battalion of FBI, CIA and Boy Scouts if you just give the word
Jack: All those won’t help a damn. I gotta go.

President Palmer Kibaki (Walking in): Ah! You are here!
Jack: Yes sir!
Kibaki: From there?
Jack: Yes sir?
Kibaki: From where you were?
Jack (Swallowing): Er.. yes.
Kibaki: And so you are not there any more.
Jack (Easing finger under collar): Yes sir.
Kibaki: And so you are here, and will continue to remain here.
Jack: Yes sir.
Kibaki: Until you leave, after which you will no longer be here but now you will be there.
Jack (Bewilderment) Where?
Kibaki: There, where you will be when you are not here.
Jack: (Holding head to keep it from exploding) Er… yes sir

Michuki: (Slithering in) Rattle rattle!

Jack: Err… good evening
Kibaki: This is John, Security Minister and the head of a specialized strike squad, the Mount Kenya Viper Squad
Jack: Pleased to meet you
Michuki: Rattle rattle!

Kibaki: So … who are you again?

Jack: Jack Bauer
Kibaki: Right, Bow Wow, we are looking to recruit you into heading one of our strike teams, the QRU
Michuki: That’s right. One of my juniors is the head of the CID. I want you to run Kamau Nganga’s elite Kanga Squad
Jack: Kanga?
Michuki: Yes! KAmau NGAnga.
Jack: I see. Are those the guys who wore balaclavas and had rifles the other day?
Michuki: Yes
Jack: With footgear ranging from sneakers to moccasins to gum boots to glass slippers
Michuki: Yes .. we give them freedom of the shoe
Jack: The ones who would have gone for another raid on Friday but it started raining?
Michuki: The very ones
Jack: If it’s all the same to you, no thanks!!

Jack: Tony, it’s me. It too confusing here. I’m coming back. And what’s more I’m going for indefinite leave

Tony Almeda
Tony: Talk to me.
Jack: About that mercenaries thing — after 2 days of investigating I’m throwing in the towel and retiring. I need to find a nice country wench and settle down looking after my cattle.
Tony: What’s up?
Jack: The mercenaries have just released a statement.
Tony: What’s confusing about that?


Apparently Kenyan bloggers, including yours truly, have made it to a Daily Nation feature. Recongition from the mainstream media? My one gripe — a very healthy imagination on the party of the author. I’m not 29. At no time did I divulge my age, or indeed anything personal about myself. Check your facts, ladies and gentlemen, check your facts!

Snow – Lonely Monday Morning

21 Questions

Mwai Kibaki and his government faithfully continue to portray the mind numbing absolutely crass stupidity that even now still leaves Kenyans reeling in amazement. The response from cabinet ministers continues to be disjointed, confused and verging on the ridiculous. Some of the Gallic shrugs given by some of the ministers are studies in innocent ignorance.

Mwai Kibaki

The head of state continues to issue a deafening silence that leads one to wonder if he

  1. Didn’t know about it but doesn’t want to look foolish even more foolish
  2. Did indeed know about it but doesn’t want to have to explain himself
  3. Sanctioned it himself

I simply do not understand how John Michuki and his fellows thought that this was a good idea. Even the stupidest politicans have an instinct of self preservation. I guess we’ll have to revise that particular view.

Word on the grapevine is that the masterminds of the raid were Michuki himself, one of Kibaki’s unofficial advisors Stanley Murage and the CID chief. The police commissioner and his other immediate deputies were blissfully unaware of the events. Some, including the Nairobi PPO answered the phone in pyjamas to be told of the events by journalists seeking answers.
The current leading conspiracy theories as to the rationale behind the raids

  1. Clever ploy to divert attention from Anglo Leasing and Goldenberg, which has implicated quite a few in the Kibaki administration
  2. Kibaki no longer cares — he knows his reputation is at rock bottom so he might as well enjoy himself
  3. A loud message to the press and to the opposition that the government is not to be trifled with

The most stunning revelation over the weekend was that there was going to be a second raid on a still yet to be determined location on Friday evening but a sudden downpour threw a spanner in the works.

It is difficult to determine which is more ludicrous — that the government would have the temerity to pull the same stunt again or that the tough, highly trained commandos who find it child’s play to wade into the jaws of death would be put off by a bit of rain.

Internal Security minister John Michuki arrogantly continues to stick to his guns, arguing that what the government did was not illegal. The man even had the temerity to brandish a copy of the constitution at this point. He then went on to accuse the Standard of “subversive activities”, a claim the Standard management have hotly denied.

John Michuki

President Mwai Kibaki, a Catholic, attended Sunday mass at the Holy Family Minor Basilica. The Archbishop of Nairobi wasted no time during his sermon decrying the deteriorating state of affairs. But true to his usual aversion for effort of any kind, Kibaki said nothing and his security men very energetically kept the press away from the president.

The Archbishop, when asked his opinion spoke volumes.

The buck stops at the top.
The very top.

Archbishop Ndingi

One of the good things that has come out of this is the unity of the Kenyan people. I have never seen Kenyans more united over any issue ever since the entry of the NARC government. Everyone from all stations of society have spoken out against this affront. The church, the press themselves, civil society, NGOs, corporate entities — have united in solidarity behind the Standard and KTN.

A very sobering issue in the whole business is that there is no complete chain of command in the security forces. The Police Commissioner Hussein Ali was blissfully unaware of the developments. One of his juniors, the CID head is the one who executed the raid. A visibly angry Commissioner arrived in Nairobi from the Seychelles yesterday and quite candidly told the press he knew nothing about the events.

Commissioner Hussein Ali

The fact that the commissioner can be unaware of such an exercise leaves me speechless with amazement.

The current chain of command I understand is as follows

Chain of command

So in the festivities the Commissioner was cut out of the loop and the CID chief run the operation, on instructions from the internal security minister.

Serious business indeed. It is very serious business when junior officials in the force have their own personal armies that they can deploy without consulting their seniors. I’m afraid of thinking of the implications of such a state of affairs. It beggars the question of just who is in charge. This especially coupled with the fact that the initial police statement accepting responsibility for the raid was crafted in State House


  • Mwai Kibaki will do and say absolutely nothing on the matter and faithful to his usual modus operandi, hope that things go away.
  • John Michuki will continue smirking condescendingly from his perch
  • Documents will suddenly appear nebulously outlining some subversive activities from the Standard group
  • A 15/20 man commission will be formed and tasked to investigate the happenings and will be kept busy for the odd year. The report will then disappear into the netherworld.
  • To divert attention from this mess, the government will pull of something even more devastatingly stupid

Watch this space.

John Lennon – Imagine


It is truly a grim day when the assault on our freedom by our own government can feature on CNN headline news immediately after news of bombings in Pakistan.

Kenyans are still trying in vain to come to grips on the blatant assault on their right to expression, and therefore blatant assault on them. The response from the government exemplifies the Kibaki regime — disjointed and confused. Some members of the cabinet express ignorance while others express scorn and disdain.

Security John Michuki has without a doubt stunned the country. He is clearly unrepentant about the events of the day. He no less than three times chillingly repeated

“If you rattle a snake,
expect to be bitten.”

This is clearly a thinly veiled threat to the press and by extension everyone who loves their freedom. I for one was speechless at the man’s audacity

I cannot believe that a government can send police to physically assault its own people, take their property and destroy what they use to earn their living.

I watched the CCTV footage captured by KTN and came away completely sickened.

Face down

This are two policemen with their guns to a hapless technician

Boot to head

Here you clearly see the policeman put his boot to the technician’s head


Not satisfied, he does it again

That is not a criminal mind you! It is a hapless employee doing his job so that he can then be heavily taxed and his hard earned money goes to sustain impossibly lavish lifestyles by the political elite.

What manner of government will treat it people like this then in a show of crass hypocrisy, only meters away the President is launching another of his “good governance” initiatives, the Kenya Anti-Corruption steering committee?

I have never been a fan of Mwai Kibaki or his rag tag of disjointed and confused self seeking compatriots, and yet he always somehow manages to appear less and less appealing. Any semblance of respect i had for him or his government is completely gone.

From past experience, Mwai Kibaki will blissfully go about his business as if nothing has happened. I am deeply skeptical that any action will be taken against the people behind this raid. At best some junior police officers will be sacrificed but the men behind it will remain scot free and untouchable, laughing at us, the people.

What more do Kenyans need to realize that they were completely cheated and shortchanged by this government?

Enough, ladies and gentlemen, is enough.

Fellow Kenyans, no more of our forgiving complacency. No more shrugging our shoulders and moving on with our lives.

Speak out. Say no. Say NO!

They cannot silence us all. No matter how hard they try.

All it takes for evil to prosper is for good men and women to keep silent.

First they came for the Weekly Citizen but I was not one of them, so I didn’t speak up. Then they came for the Standard, but I was not one of them so I kept quiet. Then they came for the KTN, and I didn’t speak out because I wasn’t one of them. And when they came for me …

there was no one left to speak out for me.

If we keep silent one day there will be no one to speak out.

I don’t care whether Mwai Kibaki has one wife or one hundred. I don’t care whether he met Kalozo Musyoka or Father Christmas. Nobody does either!

Refuse to accept to have your rights taken by those you chose to safeguard them!

John Michuki – rid yourself of the notion that you can threaten Kenyans, the people who put you were they are with your arrogant and nebulous threats!

Tell your friends, tell your family. Tell your workmates. Tell the stranger in the bus next to you. Blog about it. Write to the papers about it. Call the radio about it. Call the television stations about it.

Our rights are ours! We do not enjoy them at the benevolence of Mwai Kibaki and his government!

We can start making our voice heard

  1. The contact form on the Government Home Page
  2. The comments form on the Government Spokesman Page
  3. Email the government spokesman (


Two Steps Forward

EDIT #3 18:05

Well! Whenever I say Mwai Kibaki is the type of man who never misses an opportunity to miss an opportunity, he grits his teeth in determination and exemplifies the notion. And then when I say that no matter how low the bar is set, the Kibaki Government will find a way to slither under.

Last night the police raided the Standard and KTN newsrooms, and razed some of today’s editions of the Standard Newspaper. Not content with their handiwork, they shut down the KTN signal. Me and 30 million odd other Kenyans woke up to this unwelcome news.

Apparently the Government objected to a story in the Saturday Standard, alleging that Mwai Kibaki had met one of the more prominent LDP leaders, Kalonzo Musyoka. The Government has been so incensed that 3 journalists have been unwilling guests of the state, enjoying the cuisine and hospitality of the Kilieleshwa police station for the last two days. Without charge, may I add.
This smacks to me of hyporcisy. When it comes to fabrications the Government stands head and shoulders above everyone else.

With regards to the Anglo Leasing Scandal:

It is a scandal …
that never was

Kiraitu Murungi – Former Justice Minister

There is nothing wrong …
with the tender

Moody Awori, Vice President

People are not dying form famine. They are dying from death

Njenga Karume – Former Minister, Special Projects

Every time the Government spokesman, a chap long overdue to break his voice, opens his mouth, most Kenyans grab the tops of their heads to keep them from exploding. He provides little information and plenty of comic relief, and I for one am waiting breathlessly for what will clearly be a ludicrous defence.

As I write this the Police Commissioner is out of town and the Minister of Information is denying any knowledge of the raids.

The irony is just a week ago a full page ad from the Government comedian spokesman urged us to be grateful to Mwai Kibaki for being benevolent enough to grant us freedom of expression.

The more things change the more they tend to stay the same.

I don’t mind saying at times I get apprehensive when I think about some of the things i’ve said about said Government.

But then again the Government is stuffed by fellows who think the Internet is used to catch fish.

Stay tuned.

#Edit 1

My money is on one former Homeguard and current Internal Security Minister, John Michuki. The fact that the paramilitary General Service unit was involves exonerates most of the sitting ministers who are really very junior officials who have little or any work. Only Internal Security and maybe Defence can order around the GSU.

#Edit 2

I win all the bets I placed. Minister John Michuki has all but confessed to being behind it, the schmuck! The return of the Gestapo like tactics of yesteryear?

#Edit 3

We’re now so infamous we’re on Al Jazeera


Onto cheerier things – The White African has just been visited by a stork. Congratulations dude!

Ray Charles – Georgia

Press Freedom: Letter to Kibaki

Dear President Kibaki:

On March 2, 2006 government forces raided the headquarters and printing plant of the Standard Group. In addition to destroying equipment and newspapers, they shut down the KTN news station.

This latest attack follows the jailing of three journalists from Standard Newspaper, attacks on Citizen Weekly, and ongoing harassment of journalists by government-sponsored forces.

I urge you to condemn these attacks and to support freedom of the press and call for the immediate release of the journalists.

**Please copy and paste a copy of this letter on your blog. You may alter the wording to suit your needs.

From Keguro