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24 – Mercenary Edition

Posted March 14th, 2006 in Theater by M

24 Logo

Events Occur in Real Time

Jack: (On phone) Ngai fafa!!!

Jack Bauer
Tony: (At CTU) What’s the matter Jack?
Jack: This has got to be the most confusing interview I’ve ever been on. I’d rather work on stopping 40 nuclear bombs in Los Angeles than spend 10 minutes in Nairobi
Tony: (Concerned) What’s up? I can deploy a battalion of FBI, CIA and Boy Scouts if you just give the word
Jack: All those won’t help a damn. I gotta go.

President Palmer Kibaki (Walking in): Ah! You are here!
Jack: Yes sir!
Kibaki: From there?
Jack: Yes sir?
Kibaki: From where you were?
Jack (Swallowing): Er.. yes.
Kibaki: And so you are not there any more.
Jack (Easing finger under collar): Yes sir.
Kibaki: And so you are here, and will continue to remain here.
Jack: Yes sir.
Kibaki: Until you leave, after which you will no longer be here but now you will be there.
Jack (Bewilderment) Where?
Kibaki: There, where you will be when you are not here.
Jack: (Holding head to keep it from exploding) Er… yes sir

Michuki: (Slithering in) Rattle rattle!

Michuki
Jack: Err… good evening
Kibaki: This is John, Security Minister and the head of a specialized strike squad, the Mount Kenya Viper Squad
Jack: Pleased to meet you
Michuki: Rattle rattle!

Kibaki: So … who are you again?

Kibaki
Jack: Jack Bauer
Kibaki: Right, Bow Wow, we are looking to recruit you into heading one of our strike teams, the QRU
Michuki: That’s right. One of my juniors is the head of the CID. I want you to run Kamau Nganga’s elite Kanga Squad
Jack: Kanga?
Michuki: Yes! KAmau NGAnga.
Jack: I see. Are those the guys who wore balaclavas and had rifles the other day?
Michuki: Yes
Jack: With footgear ranging from sneakers to moccasins to gum boots to glass slippers
Michuki: Yes .. we give them freedom of the shoe
Jack: The ones who would have gone for another raid on Friday but it started raining?
Michuki: The very ones
Jack: If it’s all the same to you, no thanks!!

Jack: Tony, it’s me. It too confusing here. I’m coming back. And what’s more I’m going for indefinite leave

Tony Almeda
Tony: Talk to me.
Jack: About that mercenaries thing — after 2 days of investigating I’m throwing in the towel and retiring. I need to find a nice country wench and settle down looking after my cattle.
Tony: What’s up?
Jack: The mercenaries have just released a statement.
Tony: What’s confusing about that?
Jack: THEY DID IT FROM THE GOVERNMENT VIP LOUNGE!

AOB

Apparently Kenyan bloggers, including yours truly, have made it to a Daily Nation feature. Recongition from the mainstream media? My one gripe — a very healthy imagination on the party of the author. I’m not 29. At no time did I divulge my age, or indeed anything personal about myself. Check your facts, ladies and gentlemen, check your facts!

Snow – Lonely Monday Morning
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  • http://bchii.blogspot.com chi

    funniest thing i read all week…

  • Rere

    hey m,
    dont hate on the nation article.didnt know u existed til iread it, and now i know wat ive been missing.the 24 mercenary edition is too damn funny…hope it ”rattles” some feathers.keep it coming…

  • http://mywordsonly.blogspot.com acolyte

    I am sure you have heard the latest about Kibaki’s daughter’s shareholding in the “merc’s” company?That should give you some ammo for part 2 with a surprise twist!

  • mruhya

    @acolyte – hadn’t heard that one. but can’t say I’m surprised. If the gava was serious, they should investigate her coz she might have been involved in “funding” the orange team!

  • I

    M.. now tell the Daily nation journalist that you interviewed with; the next time they want to COPY your article; they should contact you the same way to ask for permission…

    Love your edition of 24!!! why did Kibaki’s part sound just like him!! keep rattling!!

  • Shiroh

    I would want to know how Ms K overtook me ; now i know. See you bye bye. Kwanza i hadnt even seen the dejavu post and i am sure i have something to add

  • http://mudskippah.blogspot.com mudskippah

    That’s got to be the best post I have ever read. LOL, ROTF, and all those other initials! A classic and a rewarding read.

  • http://www.sidaki.blogspot.com sidaki

    KAmau NGAnga!
    LMAO!

  • http://farmgal.wordpress.com Farmgal

    Since I dont read the nation am glad you inserted that link here…very good to see kbw representing. I need to re-read this post. thanks for ur ind words!

  • http://brotherjero.blogspot.com/ Brother Jero (BJ)

    Wassup big popa, you have been rather quiet. What’s happening? You are still doing a good job as always. Check on us folks too when you get a minute….

  • http://mywordsonly.blogspot.com acolyte

    Now I see that wanainchi wanted to lynch one of those armenians in town jana.I think that is a sign that Kenyans are tired of foreigners meddling in our affairs!It is a shame that foreigners often live better then locals in Kenya.But I still think his near brush is good material for 24 part 2.

  • http://whisperinginn.blogspot.com Whispering Inn

    Cheers on the “most popular blog” honour by the ‘Nation.’

    {…..bloggers “act as a mirror on society and an accurate barometer of the status quo.”

    “They tackle issues that the media are either unwilling or unable to tackle, since bloggers do not have shareholders to account for and are not influenced by boardroom and public politics,” he said.}

    Yes.

  • http://wachirasam.blogspot.com Sammie

    What with the Gumo thing, eti going to the merc’ s house and cajoling pleading with the watchies to let them in. The rough-up of the Armenian(American, Check, Russian….lost me there)

    Yet more fodder for 24 Part 2! Cant wait!

  • Shiroh

    There are two stories to the Armenian Brothers; i dont know which to believe
    They are either guests of the state or Raila.

    Anyone with the view that someone is shooting their foot? Whoever is hosting them?

  • http://Nakeel.blogspot.com Nakeel

    Waaaaaaah *rollling down wit laughter*
    Congrats popular Kenyan blog
    Are you denying your age..

  • http://gishungwa.blogspot.com gishungwa

    Been a while since i have been here. I got here via notice on the office group mail so tis true what guess says YOUA RE FAMOUS and while am at it Congratulations are in order.
    First things first am cracked up about: this happens in real time the full LOL you know. The he juggle(sed in kyuk accent) and rattle. :( about mt kenya mafia those are my people.
    Great post and the comments absolutely ingenious as well and will be here more often.

  • mruhya

    and just to prove M’s continuing rise to fame, the average number of comments on each post is rising steadily. in fact, so much so that the brotha can no longa comment on the comments!

  • mo

    im laughing so hard the guy next to me is peering over to get a glimpse at what is so funny. I think i will introduce him to the blog site. You so totally rock

  • http://www.guessaurus.com Guessaurus

    @Mruhya – :D dude cant reply to comments anymore – can you believe it. Even I am getting a bit jealous. Everyone who reads M’s blog should be made to read and comment on mine too :(
    *Walks to the corner wondering loudly to herself - IS IT BECAUSE I IS BLACK* =))

  • M

    Friends, Kenyans, Countrymen & any other welcome guests,

    Many thanks for all the lovely things you’ve said and all the love you’ve shown.

    I’ve been running up and down all week which is why I’ve not replied to all your comments. In fact I run up and down quite a bit so those sporadic silences — don’t mind them.

    Thanks for taking the time to pass by and to say something. I deeply appreciate it. This blog has helped me keep my mind sharp, made me lots of very good friends, given me ideas, challenged some of my own and kept me on my toes.

    And I can’t thank you all enough.

    Make no mistake about it — this blog is not me. It’s you guys.

    Merci

    M

  • http://www.guessaurus.com Guessaurus

    YAY – you replied. Ps sorry if I came across meaning that you werent replying to the comments – I meant that you couldnt cos they were so many. Ah well, thanks all the same.

    We love your blog, and by extension you (should that be in reverse ;) ?) which is why we keep coming back – your brilliance, sense of humour, diversity of topic, and of course, taking the piss out of them politicians keeps all of us happy.

    Cheers..

  • http://JabaBoeku/ Jaba Boeku (JB)

    @M: – U R doing a totally fantastic job…. keep dem coming.

    @Blog fans:
    Wherever you are… whatever you do…

    do hav a great blog time.. coz this is totally the place to be!!

    Cheers

  • http://mywordsonly.blogspot.com acolyte

    @ M
    I know once you get past 30 comments replying starts getting harder and harder.Not that I get to that many that often.:(
    @ Guess
    Usijali you’ll get lots comments at least out of pity.Hee hee hee.ps: aren’t you more of chocolate as opposed to black?

  • mruhya

    @M – u r most welcome.

  • mruhya

    I wonder if y’all have received this mail, which being from the net of course cannot be verified:

    “When a Kenyan living here in the Czech Republic showed me your on
    line edition with pictures of Artur Sargsyan and Artur Margaryan who were claiming that they are heavy bussiness people, I could not believe
    my eyes.

    I know both of them and they are not related to the Armenian President. The names they are using is not their original name. Sad that I cant remember their real names.

    What i know is that both of them were members of the elite Czech Army and they were fired because of selling government arms illegally. There after they moved to Turkey and were involved in a lot of drug and arms trafficking where the man claiming to be Margaryan was caught and jailed.

    Since then they disappeared completely only to emerge in Kenya as heavy business men. What i know is they are criminals who will even kill to get money. They are not Armenians as they claim. May be they are using a forged Armenian passport.

    Be careful Kenyans!!!

    Mehmet Öztürk”

  • http://non KIbaowow

    Great Blog, u write well.
    About your age,29 thing, dont tell me you could be a chick(why r u so sensitive) and not a jamaa(i dont give a ..), not that i am a chauvan..pig..whatever, lakini your female fans are several. Learn from oyunga, keep the mystery, the chicks will each create an ideal M. Like that chick truphena, she was really on clay mugandas case for alledgedly plagerising your article. You might get ideas of her as a hottie nice Ka-lady, my advise, let her fantasize about what M is. I sympathise with Clay though, the rules about crediting a blog are greyish lakini he did make it clear he was not the source, thats not plagerism, its poor crediting at most. I think all that friction resulted in the Nation Article where we have all found your genius. Keep it up, last four days, NOTHING, sema kitu bwana ama mama..lol

  • http://www.guessaurus.com Guessaurus

    @Mruhya -about that email above, I wouldnt be suprised.
    @Aco – damn you :D – and yes it is chocolate but my claim still stands.
    @Kibaowow – LOL @M being a chick – he is definitely all man – I have proof =))

  • http://prousette.blogspot.com Prousette

    @M : The mystery deepens apparently we cannot tell your gender as well.
    @Kibaowao he’s a man check previous posts if any doubts .

    @mruhya at the moment anything is possible though our beloved govt will try to say that it is not important what Artur S & M are from, alarming still.

  • Wanja

    My guess … 35 … your age, that is.

  • http://www.milonare.blogspot.com Milonare

    M

    Denying thy age?

    That Ngai Fafa by Jack Bauer was hilarious!! Hehehehehe

    Tutaangalia records kule Pumwani – records of 29 years ago!!!

  • http://blog.uhuru.de JKE

    Margaryan “takes on Security minister” Dudes & Dudettes, the story starts to become amusing.

    (maybe he wasn’t even hoping for a position in Armenia, but instead he wants to become the next prezzo of Kenya? aterere… =)))

  • http://blog.uhuru.de JKE

    Let’s all vote for Margaryan to become “comedian of the year” (closely followed by Aljaksandr Lukaschenka who’s aiming to top this sometime soon).

  • http://blog.uhuru.de JKE

    And if I may ad more 2cents-gossip to this soap opera: WHO is this Margaryan Kirimu constantly talking to on the phone?

    I say: CELTEL is big player that protects this man as well as others (in Uganda – seen that recent pic showing Museveni on a CELTEL add?). Loyal customers, ladies & gentleman, revenue….aaaahh….bling bling bling… $$$$ :-D

    (all this, dear M, to divert the public’s attention away from getting to know your age)

  • Sammo

    I heard about this blog from my pal who is into blogging as a way of calling for action on issues. I had to CHECK IT OUT! I think its a nice way to look at the light side of things. 24-the mercenary edition. Fantastico.

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  • http://www.kinduyouth.blogspot.com james

    hi plase how can i put something like this in ma blog plse i wonna have soemthng like this at the bottom of my blog so that i can have comments made here email me if you have any advics on how to do that. jaameh@yahoo.com

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