Yesterday I got into an altercation with one of the chosen few men that have to wear maroon shirts and brown trousers to work, a matatu tout. After an entire day of working hard to have my hard earned money taken by people who do not even pretend to work, my defences were at an all time low.
Date & Time: Circa 2006, May 23, 20:30 Hours
2030: M drags self into matatu and collapses in a heap
2031: Matatu fills and sets off
2033: M switches off all vital systems but breathing
2040: M tapped on shoulder by tout
2041: M tapped again on shoulder by tout
2042: M absently hands over 20 shilling coin
2043: The still of the night is shattered
Tout (T): Boss, where’s the rest of the money
M: What rest of the money?
T: Fare is 40 bob
M: (Speechless)
T: 40 bob
M: (Exploding) 40 bob? WTF? Did your mother clothe you in asbestos?
T: (Woodenly) Huh? 40 bob. Fare is 40 bob.
Murmuring from other passengers
M: (Struggling to bend mind around the idea) You’re telling me that the fare has doubled since morning
T: Er… yes.
M: It’s not raining, is it?
T: No
M: And no one has moved constituencies while we were at work
T: No
M: And the road is the same length
T: Yes
Long pause
M: (Revelation) Aaah! I see, I see
T: Yes?
M: I’ll have a coke
T: A coke?
M: Yes. Because for me to pay 40 bob you must be serving drinks.
AOB
Goodbye Puffy
If health Minister Charity Ngilu has her way, smoking in public will be illegal in the next few months, which includes restaurants, clubs, etc. The fines are anything but punitive — if you’re caught smoking in public you’d better be carrying 50,000 bob or some similar figure on you, and be ready to spend 6 months eating Government cuisine and enjoying Government hospitality. If you’re reallyunlucky you’ll get both and dropping soap in the shower will be but one of your many worries.
Spam I Am
Just realized that le blog has crossed the 2,000 mark in term of spam comments that mercifully I’ve never had to delete manually. And this is in just a couple of months!! Thank ye SpamKarma.
GROAN OF THE DAY
Schwarzenegger, Stallone and Van Damme are discussing roles in a radical new movie where they play classical musicians. They are given the opportunity to decide which actor will play which musician
Stallone: I … uh … I’ll be Beethoven
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart
Schwarzenegger: I’ll be Bach!
QUOTE OF THE DAY
If a fool and his money are soon parted,
Members Of Parliament are considerably in arrears
PIC OF THE DAY
This is a school somewhere in Mombasa …
“Aar! Ye be taking the young un’s to this here school mateys! Aar!”
Eminem – My Dad’s Gone Crazy
Hey, fare play isnt at work here, y’all know the drill… off to read :D
You starting to swear like a sailor young man? LOL @ serving drinks – wht did you think you were riding in, the ‘coast air’?
Did they explain the reason for the hike in fare?
While I am still here (before I get thrown out, of course) you never did explain whether there is spam in purgatory.. :D
And, and, before I run off, what is with you and fags? (the smokable type, that is)? Have you got something against them..
*G bows before making a fast exit, before Shi comes out with a broomstick or something)
Hold it right there Shi, your station as head groupie is still manned (or is it womanned?)
Hey M, I have never been this early to any of your previous entries.
So did you like De La Hoya this dude. If you didn’t this is what you’re supposed to do, keep the left jab going like clock work, constantly moving to to your left especially if this guy is south pole. Shuffle your feet a little, fake the jab and come up with the mother-of-all upper cuts. That always works dude. Growing on the streets, fending for yourself taught us well against such baggers. Original Recipe for a TKO.
Try this and I really hope it works coz if it doesn’t you will be the recipient and that would not be very nice, now would it?
Be safe playa.
public transport back home and all the incidents involved is something i sometimes really miss…
(hope nobody on the mat only had 20 bob)
Never been this early either …
Great post as always M.
I concur about being in the top 10 :o).
So did you lipa….??
lol at the dropping the soap in the shower…. kwanza Guess must be getting some leakage soMewhere about these posts….(ignore the slight plagiarism)
Been reading and enjoying the posts for over a year but swore never to leave a comment unless I made it to Top Ten. I have. And I’m gunning for groupie status now. Keep writing.
G as you can see my groupie status is very protected
M, your route must be very good if that happens only yesterday. Ours happens too many times. Any signs of matatu shortage and prices are hiked. When it rains, different story.
I hope you didnt pay the double fare. Though touts can be a bit rough.
*slightly ruffled as he settles in to read his daily feeds*
Heh heh, you shoulda asked kama bado uko chini. For some of us these stunts are an every day thing. Nowadays mpaka fare is negotiable.
The sigara thing has you on the roll. Angry perhaps? Happy? Sisemi kitu.
Guess, iko kitu.
NUMBER EREFEN…..off to soma….
Hey M.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL. Thaz it. Bila that thing I have been denied over here at my little corner, but still haki my day is made….LOOOOL@ serving drinks. You are very rude young man!!
Tehe!, smoking, thats good news especially for those who constantly tick the ‘trying to quit’ category…ppffft!!
Kwaaaaaaanja M, whatever happened to rewarding my efforts you?!! I am so telling on you!!!!
LMAO @ that school. Tehe! ati try telling your buddies/prospective employer that you went to Sinbad primary school…tehe, Now how? That is a recipe for a ’skewed self esteem’ for life!!! Aiii. Ehe, soo they will have ‘little Mermaid academy’, haki vile academies are mushrooming and sprouting all over this side of the sahara!
And is it not amazing how much information they have squeezed into that little space….LoooL, and I did not miss that THAT ISGN POST is sooo bow legged/mguu kombo/ paralysed sorta to the left…tehe, someone better straighten that out….
P.s How does one spell ‘beginning’?
P.p.s LOOOL, ma that color scheme…assiiiiii!! its rainbows now huh?
Keep well M. Still on the ban so, yes, the world steadily trudges on, as I rot here in my little corner..arrrrghhh!
About hiking fares…..woooweeee, did I tell you how my boom twaff (loud, ear splitting music and comparatively comfy seats) mat (the ones cool bananas like us take, cos we are too cool for making lines and ramshackle mats…ahhem…but do I say)…the other day, I got on, on a random weekday, no rain, no excess supply…..its all normal, and he tells me ati instead of 30 bob(which is too much already given where I live!!)…ati its 70 bob? EH? You know mapka pale, walking distance, eti 70 bob!! what?
I looked at him, deep in the eyes like a lost lover and told him
“wacha bangi chali my friend”, and hooked him up, roho safi with 20 bob….then he said,
“wapi ashu”?, I told him…….
“thats ten bob for disrespecting me you son of a primate!!”
Arrrrgh! he slinked back into his seat and left me the hell alone!!! These watus need a pineapple up you know where…so when you do you daily mananasi collection rounds…count them in!!
In prison….’never drop your soap’….yaani, if that happens, toka kwa bafu roho safi, utaoga kesho, ama when guys have gone to lunch…..tihi
The sinbad school is not too bad though it looks rather telling on your CV to prospective employers.
I hope you got your (diet!) coke served pronto. Some of us learnt the very hard way to be asking for the current fare rates before settling onto your seat. Pre-michuki times the touts would throw you out of the mat where they thought your fare would take you i.e . for 10 bob if you were within the estate from one end of the estate upto the nearest highway.
LMAO
Ati is the road still the same length?
LOL
The guy must have wanted to punch you…
@Kabinti – ati getting leakage? =)) – definitely not touching that one
Dont you all blame me for being first, there is something called http://www.kenyaunlimited.com/feed/out that does the ‘walking’ for me.
It’s all fair play, ain’t it M? ;)
so just how lucky were you with the tout? it really pisses me off when that sort of thing happens and being the passive people we are, kenyans just grumble in our seats meanwhile forking out the 40 bob, maybe if we all did something more than grumble kenya wouldn’t be in the state it’s in today
meanwhile i’d like to here your thoughts on the delamere saga
so did u got ur cola?
you always crack me up.
sijasau that fish and loaves one by the way.
I can imagine the look on that makanga’s face
Lakini these touts have made it a habit esp when it is raining the fare seems to ripple you’d thin that the roads we take are no longer tarmacked or they will drop you in the house WTF! You a brave one me i hardly cause i just dont give him. I tell him to shukisha where that cash ends …
Very unfair and unreasonable these matatu stewards to be politically correct….
WAHAHA HA AH AHA (my evil laugh) soo M did you get that Coke you requested?
I really cant’ get with the Touts.. they are ignorant and arguing with them sometimes leaves you looking the fool!! but all the same, they are amusing …i sometimes miss them…
As for smoking in public.. i really dont understand why people should be stopped from killing themselves slowly… instead of making it illegal, they should have designated places and double tax smokers, after all our country needs the $$ .. althou in some states in the US the same law that Ms. Ngilu has been passed.. and it really has not stopped people from smoking even in clubs.. kwani its their club?!?!?! what if i live in it?!?!
M…. nice post here for reo! what with ma3 touts and that groan of a joke. Lakini dont you worry these are some stalker type behavior this mad rush for namba 1… ama in your star status these are the perils of being THE M!
@Gish… dooood you have cracked me up something silly… ati shukisha when the cash ishas? that must have gone down famously
This is what I get for writing novels on my blog!That mambo of fares rising just because the wind is blowing south instead of north has never been funny!
As for Madam Ngilu, when did she last have her way?I see the tobbacoo lobby buying off our MPs in a rush after sending them to Mombasa to “discuss” the issue!
No wonder piracy has been making a comeback on the Indian Ocean!The folks at the school have been churning out graduates!
@ Km
You gave that tout what he deserved!That rise of fare was unwarranted!
@ Prou
I miss those days when you were dropped off as far as your insuficient fare went!Now they just drop you off in the middle of nowhere!
Lol @ You’ll have a coke..and Lol @ Gish’s..shukisha where the cash kwishaz.. Maan, thats just what I needed, boring Thursday afternoon..bah.
Oh, and in today’s paper..A bakery somewhere in Michigan is selling ‘Hoffa cupcakes’ in Jimmy’s honor..You should see..lol, They have like a chocolate cream icing(ati for soil), with a little green hand sticking out..how’s that for support, ey?
am on the floor laughing….maroon trousers for work :-) i feel you on the tout issue. but asking for a soda is just toooo toooo toooo much! ur killing me. the qns u asked the tout made alot of sense…i will try that soon!
as for smoking..lemme just say i reserve my comments lest am lynched..(by both sides of the fence that is)
sinbad primo……wish my school was named that na spelling of beggining (begining)…knowledge my foot!
Ill be BACH…again am on the floor laughing! best thing bout arnie’s flicks were the punchlines
>> commando…”i let him go” after droppin guy off cliff
>> eraser… “he caught the train” after leaving baddies on rail track to be crushed
u guys got more?
just checked out http://www.kenyaunlimited.com/feed/out/ theiz that article for tell the african…too deadly…anyone managed to tell who is who? please let me know!
ROTHLMBAOL ati “…your mother clothed you in asbestos” hahahahahahaha!!!
dudde you must be living in tao. i dont know any route in nai where fare is 20 bob was that peak time? which means off peak is 10 bob?? :D… still does not justify doubling fares.
great post.
Brainz dude lives in South B. The only place in town fare gets to 10Ksh. Luxury.
LOL M and the school lol its called PR to attract kids who like adventures of Sinbad and u told he will be visisting occasionally..
Did u pay that fare double? text Michuki and wake one Shirau
Serving drinks. Ha ha, nice one. I saw a school called “Shika adabu” still in Msa.
Ksss kssss…weee, Ithe wa ciana(father of the children), I saw you saying how much you need to learn kikuyu.
Nyona haha mwena (see me kando)……
Vile who is paying? You or coolangatta? or both of you?
Tebu, consult…halafu we work out the modalities……
Otherwise, nihayo tu kwa sasa…..I take cash or cake.
uga ngwee! (say ngwee!), tihi
LMAO on the coke vibe.. too funny, I can see the tout’s face DEM.
Sinbad academy… who answers the school mobile phone? does the heady carry it with him/er everywhere ama its the secretary?
What’s the black bird supposed to stand for… literally..
Great post M, have an awesome weekend :-)
am becoming senile ati did u got cola?
gai fafa tebu correct that for me M
si wewe ni wetu?
They’re serving drinks on the ma-three these days? What service! :)
Also, thanks for the link to SpamKarma. I’ve been getting around 80-100/day now, and I’m about to lose my mind completely. I was debating on using Akismet, but SpamKarma looks better to me now.
Okay, just hours after installing SpamKarma and I’m already reporting great success. If you run a WordPress blog, this is the ticket. Thanks.
LOOOL@serving drinks. Quick on the uptake!
Ha!
Poor tout.
There he was, minding his own business, doing what his boss told him, when one sleepy passenger probably high on some shit, starts spouting nonsense at him. Going on and on about clothes, drinks and asbesstts? assbettss ? …
ati i’ll have a coke? hahaha. from tao to my parents house back home fare used to range from 35 bob to 70 shillings. so some of us were always being caught off guard when we were asked ” wee mnati (it took me ages to find out what that word meant) leta dough!” i used to be like kwani tao ilihama? hmm, the hilarity of it all cos you just have to laugh at some of these things.
sinbad primary school? i am floored. can anybody say “aaaarrrgh” or the swa version of blistering barnacles? teehee.
Seems rumours of the demise of smoking in public were greatly exaggerated!I see this ban going the same way as vuta pumz (aka alcoblow). Viva dirty air (No I don’t smoke but I am an arnachist at heart) !!!!!
“…your mother clothed you in asbestos”….he he he
was the coke on the rocks?
LOL You hit the nail on the head. way to go man!! i’e had some rather nasty experiences with the boys in maroon. guess next time i’ll ask for a cold coke :)
He had better be rubbing your feet, carrying you over the threshold into your home and tucking you into bed to be doing that……