tHiNkEr’S rOoM

The NARC Government, which apparently I am supposed to thank for its benevolence in granting me freedom of expression, went out of its way on Sunday and one of its chief rattlesnakes pillars, Internal Security Minister John Njoroge Michuki put a full page ad in the Sunday Standard where he not so subtly dishes out warnings to radio talk shows, newspapers and Internet bloggers.

The Internet bloggers bit without a doubt did not come from him. I have for a long time been of the opinion that Michuki and his ilk are of the opinion that the Internet is a new fangled fishing device. But one never knows.

Bottom line — bloggers are now on the government radar.

With all of the — ah — colourful post I’ve written, I’m not sure as to the wisdom of availing myself at the next blogger meet up. You never know if the Kanga Squad is gleefully reading the date and venue and is looking for balaclavas, Berettas and Bata Bullets. My friends if you know me — you don’t. Really. It was all in your imagination.

Personally, keeping from dropping soap in showers is not a pastime I’m entirely looking forward to …

I won’t be cowed online but I jolly well will keep a very low profile physically!!!

Click To Read The Full Ad (130Kb)

QUOTE OF THE DAY

He he! I wish I could have said this on air after the Brazil match!

“They say it’s not over until the fat lady sings. And with two goals, Ronaldo just did.”

Koffi Olomide - Si Si Si

Reverberations of the results of the Armenian fiasco continue to reverberate.

We are now the subject of meetings of the European Union and the United States.

One of the prospective outcomes of the crass stupidity displayed by the Government is travel bans. Another is the scuttling of that plan to have flights direct to the United States.

So KQ and the Kenya Airports Authority may have just wasted a lot of their time and money.

Everyone from Kenya will be welcomed at foreign airports with people wearing latex gloves. Snap!

The tourism sector is buggered, because no tourists wants to be welcomed with “Passport Please” and a shotgun. Tens of thousands of jobs are at stake.

In our hour of need we turn to our President and Commander In Chief for guidance

PRESS RELEASE FROM STATE HOUSE, NAIROBI

My fellow Kenyans,

Good Evening.

I am deeply distressed at this turn of events. Our country currently faces a very challenging time.

I would like to clarify that I wear Y-FRONTS, and not boxers.

Please get that right. Y-Fronts. Big. Yellow. Y-Fronts

Thank you.

Signed: Baba Jimmy & Judy

QUOTE OF THE DAY

A lot of space has been dedicated in the media to Ronaldo’s weight

The Beatles - Yesterday

Just when you think that you cannot set the bar lower on Mwai Kibaki and the constellation of black holes that oscillate around him, they never fail to disappoint — they find a way to slither under. I’m beginning to wonder if they are gaffes or premeditated actions.

His cabinet ministers are on record having defended the Armenian brothers at the hub of this controversy. Defended them. In parliament. Internal Security Minister John Michuki and Immigration Minister Gideon Konchellah actually defended these gentleman in parliament and in the media.

This past weekend a series of events took place that left Kenyans collectively dumbfounded.

• These two gentlemen appeared at Jomo Kenyatta International Airport, and they had passes granting them access to all areas of the airport, a privilege very few indeed enjoy
• When challenged to open the bags one of their associates had flown in guns were drawn at hapless customs officials. GUNS WERE DRAWN! In our airport, ostensibly one of the best guarded facilities in the country.
• These individuals managed to somehow get out of the airport and drive to their safety
• Communication flew thick and fast between the police and ranking personalities in the government. To the amazement of Kenyans one faction wanted to raid and arrest these individuals and the other one was protecting them

In the end sanity prevailed and the house was raided. Among the contents of the raided house were:

1. Armaments supposedly traceable to the Presidential Security Brigade
2. Cars with foreign licence plates
3. Cars with Government licence plates
4. Jackets emblazoned with QRU, the kind that Kenyans will remember was worn by Government agents beating their own people on National Television
5. Letters of Appointment giving them the ranks of Deputy Police Commissioners
6. Kenyan Passports in their names

This whole fiasco beggars a number of immediate questions:

1. Who on earth are these men?
2. Why have they been defended by Cabinet Ministers on numerous occasions?
3. Exactly how is it that these men are Deputy Police Commissioners after barely 4 months in the country?
4. Who gave them carte Blanche access to our airports?
5. What are they doing with government equipment like arms?
6. Why has the Government time and time again failed to question them and their activities?
7. Who are these “big fish” that keep hindering the police from carrying out their duties in questioning these men?
8. These men are Armenian but they were deported to Dubai. Huh?

It also raises a number of not so obvious issues:

We have been trying for years to convince the USA and the European Union that our country is safe from threats of terrorism. And now in one fell swoop we are precisely back where we started, if not worse. If two yahoos can carry guns into our airports, get access to the entire airport, draw their weapons, threaten people and get away, I shudder to think what a determined group of terrorists could do.

In one fell swoop our tourism industry will yet again be struggling, we are the laughing stock of the International Community and if strange foreigners can be given powers over us mere citizens, just how is it we are a sovereign nation?

I for one find it ludicrous and yet frightening that the Government can grant total strangers powers above the law over me, a citizen. That the Government can allow total strangers to operate above the law. My Government has given strangers rights and privileges that I, a citizen, do not enjoy. This is insane.

Were the Madaraka Day celebrations a farce?

These men were whisked out of the country without being charged in court. After drawing a weapon in a sensitive area. After threatening custom officials with said weapon. After being found with arms and Government vehicles. Makes one wonder why other foreigners who break the law are charged and jailed.

Just last week a Somali warlord was unceremoniously bundled out of the country. Compare and contrast, if you will, how that operation compared with this one. Our mercenary friends were escorted to the airport like V.I.P.s. The Nation that night were following up a story that the me were not actually deported but were bought two business class RETURN tickets!

So naturally Kenyans are stunned and confused at these developments, and it is with a sigh of relief that our commander in chief appears on television. One would assume that he is going to take charge and reassure Kenyans that all is well and action is being taken to safeguard our sovereignty and security.

One would be wrong.

I am still stunned that while he had the nation’s ear, at prime time, the man had the gall to start clarifying that

The first family is composed of the following: First Lady Lucy, sons Jimmy, David …

After the nation has suffered a collective blow to its perceptions of security and sovereignty, the man we elected to look after these very things is wasting valuable prime time to “clarify” the constituency of his family.

Well!!

After an event that has had, is having, and will continue to have ramifications within and without the border, all of them bad, our Commander In Chief and President is “clarifying” who belongs to his family!

Well, allow me to respond, President Kibaki. Take down the following list:

• Hoot
• Two Hoots
• Damn
• Tuppence
• Crap
• Monkey’s Crap
• Rat’s Ass
• Flying Ass
• Flying Rat’s Ass

Got them? I hope so. Because these are all the things Kenyans DON’T GIVE about who constitutes your family. Just to be clear, let me try and drive the point home

• We don’t care if your first family is composed of Lucy, Jimmy, David and Judy.
• We don’t care if your family is composed of Mary Wambui and Winnie Mwai
• We don’t care if your family is composed of Huey, Louie and Dewey
• We don’t care if your family is composed of Cocky Locky, Ducky Lucky and Henny Penny
• We don’t care if your family is composed of Bilbo, Balin, Dwalin, Fili, Kili, Dori, Nori, Ori, Oin, Gloin, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur and Thorin Oakenshield.
• We don’t care if your family is composed of Kermit, Miss Piggy, Fozi Bear and Gonzo
• We don’t care if your family is composed of Goldilocks And The Three bears
• We don’t care if your family is composed of Robin Hood and the Big Bad Wolf
• We don’t care if your family is composed of Megatron, Laser Beak, Starscream and Sound Wave
• We don’t care if your family is composed of Grandmaster Flash and the Famous Five
• We don’t care if your family is composed of Cafu, Roberto Carlos, Ronaldo, Ronaldinho and Adriano
• We don’t care if your family is composed of Swee’pea, Olive Oyl and Wimpy
• We don’t care if your family is composed of Frank, Joe, Fenton and Laura Hardy
• We don’t care if the story of you and your daughters is called “Just The Three Of Us” or “The Wealth Of Nations”
• We don’t care if your college mates called you Casanova or CasaNever
• We don’t care whether you have enough children to get your own telephone exchange or not
• We don’t care if your family meetings are held in a living room or in a stadium
• We don’t care whether the Registrar of Marriages greets you with “You again?”

I hope you get the drift. Kenyans elected you to take charge of their security, their economy, their health, their jobs and that sort of thing. Those are the issues they want to hear you articulate. Anything else is a waste of their time, and yours.

We are beginning to tire of the fact that the only times you speak out it is invariably about Mary Wambui and her immediate offspring.

We don’t care. Trust me.

I think a change to your schedule would do you a power of good. You can delegate your duties but I’m afraid you CANNOT delegate your responsibiity.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“Well! Peter Crouch’s bicycle kick looks more like a Penny Farthing!”

“Oh! Dwight Yorke looks quite in pain — looks like he took all of Gerrard’s weight in his Michael Ballacks!”

AOB

Bankelele does an excellent summary of Finance Minister Amos Kimunya’s maiden budget yesterday

Sah’Lomon - Kumba

The First of June was Madaraka day. It was a day to celebrate Kenya and being Kenyan. It was a time for us to revel in our Kenyanhood and Kenyanness.

And just like everyone else I was then, and I still am now proud to call Kenya Home and Motherland. Many of my friends question this, what with my stinging critique and wholesome derision of the Government. What I tell them is my love for my country has nothing to do with Government.

And just like everyone else I sat down and watched the first few minutes of the festivities. However this was where we parted ways with everyone else. Most people watched with pride as teachers, soldiers, firemen, policemen and even girl guides and boy scouts marched past the presidential dias. Me? I viewed it with acute resentment.

And at a given signal, each and everyone of the marchers would look to the right and salute the dias.

The straw that broke the camel’s back. I viewed this as a slap in the face — a mockery of the hard working people that ARE Kenya.

All of us have at one time or another have participated in a parade. It may have been at those ubiquitous national day celebrations or it may have been at school. Remember if you will standing under that hot sun, in the sweltering heat, waiting as endless speeches were read. Allow me to draw your attention to one fact — that there are a group of people WATCHING the parade, nestled comfortably under tents with cold drinks in hand.

This invariably was the school administration. At the very front were the headmaster and his deputies. Behind them were the other teachers. Behind those were the support staff. And finally the lucky parents who could fit in the tents. The other parents would sit on benches usually occupied by riotously shouting boys singing unbelievably dirty rugby cheering songs, or on seats brought from the classroom.

Similar parallels can be observed in history. Look at the conquering Romans under the leadership of men like Hadrian, Augustus, Trajan and Domitian. Over aggressive expansion programs, or while securing their borders, they build stadiums, collosseums and ampitheates. OUTSIDE their garissons — for the locals.

These stadiums were designed along George Bush -esque lines — to shock and awe the dominion. Of grand construction. Villagers and soldiers would parade and march before interesting activities like gladiators fighting to the death. The subdued would watch all this opulence and strength and discipline and the urge to resist would be silenced. They would hear from the lips of the Romans just how much better life was under them.

And then there would be the fights to the death of the gladiators, and for innovative emperors like Domitian, conquests between women and dwarfs.

And all the while the emperors and centurions and other officials would sit on an elevated, shady pavilion, safely out of the reach of those pesky villagers and mere soldiers. These pesky elements would then provide the entertainment, be it song and dance or butchering each other while blindfolded and tied together.

And some 2000 years later here I am watching the exact same thing, identical to a T.

(more…)

When I look at the Kenyan MP it is generally with a powerful urge to smack said MP’s fat head. These people are just schmucks. Really. And that’s not just passion talking. How can a 220 member parliament perpetually have a quorum problem? And on the one day they (mostly) attend, budget day, most can be spotted rattling the rafters with their snoring and dribbling drool throughout the speech, only to be seen later at the garden party aggressively chasing free biscuits and then waxing lyrical from the same canned speech:

“Uh, it was a fairly good speech {munch munch}. The minister touched on most of the core issues affecting the common {munch} man”

The fact that I am working my ass off so that i can have a third of my wages neatly siphoned off to pay these trolls does little to endear them to me, or their offspring for that matter. I recall a time I had the misfortune of meeting the fruit of Ali Mwakwere’s loins, who seemed amazed that I did not know who his father was. I helpfully suggested that the only person who could conclusively answer that question was his mother, but that passed him completely by.

But I digress.

This past Saturday a school group collection bench waste of MPs gathered together to launch yet another new party. It is my opinion that this country has more parties than 31st December, but here again another one is shoved down our throats.

With ill fitting hats crammed onto fat heads, the 50 or so odd MPs stood before a crowd, waving foolishly, dancing ungracefully and blowing more hot air than a sperm whale that has just consumed an hot air balloon. Let us overlook the fact that the section of the crowd that was not paid to attend was there for the free refreshments.

One of the most irritating truths is that Kenyan politicians have taken the term multi-party democracy at face value and are of the opinion that the more political parties there are the more multi-party the country is! Which should not really be a surprise from people who think the Internet is a revolutionary fishing device.

They change parties like soiled underwear. Name one politician who can quote a paragraph of his party’s manifesto (if he knows what it is) and I will eat my hat. They have no beliefs or ideologies or visions, besides the immediate ones of getting power and maintaining it.

Lose party elections? Defect. Wife deliver a boy instead of a girl? Defect. Uchumi collapses like a house of cards? Defect. Suddenly discover that your stomach obscures your view of your toes? Defect.

Let’s look at the rationale of the latest round of defections to the new party.

According the those behind the new party are several BAs, BScs, MScs, MDs, Doctors and Professors. There are also the usual SMS, LOL, ETC, WTF, H₂O who are indeed the bulk of the August(September and October) houses.

These denizens of intelligentsia are telling us that “NARC is a tribal outfit so there is a need to form a new party that is not driven by tribalism”.

Well, I have news for you nitwits!

It is not the party that is tribal.
It is the people within it!

The course of action when beholding soiled underwear is precisely the same as that for a tribal party — look for the ass!

These yahoos would have us believe that they will stop being the same tribal cabals. That they will suddenly become nationalists. That they now will be smart enough to hit the water if they fell out of a boat.

Well, I don’t buy it from one bit. People don’t change because their house has been painted a different colour. A rose by any other name is just a sweet. A politician by any other party is just as stinky.

And if you are a new member of this new party raise your right hand and smack your fat head.

AOB

You really have to read Kate Wolf’s fascinating blog on life in the DRC. Did you know that DRC is the biggest city NOT to have a movie theater? Or that their banks don’ give loans — you buy a Merc you have to do it with cash money? Read all about it. And whoever said different strokes for different folks must have read #1. And my absolute favourite — the DRC has 33 presidential candidates and 5,000 parliamentary candidates, vying for 500 seats!

LINK OF THE DAY
Are you a liar? Are you having a bit of nookie on the side unknown to your significant other? Think no one knows those dirty shenanigans you’re up to with Mama Njoki / Secretary / hotcat999@yahoo.com? Think again! You could be on Off2Hunt: Exposing married liars and cheats

PIC OF THE DAY

Nature meets technology

Daudi Kabaka - Musa