Just when you think that you cannot set the bar lower on Mwai Kibaki and the constellation of black holes that oscillate around him, they never fail to disappoint — they find a way to slither under. I’m beginning to wonder if they are gaffes or premeditated actions.

His cabinet ministers are on record having defended the Armenian brothers at the hub of this controversy. Defended them. In parliament. Internal Security Minister John Michuki and Immigration Minister Gideon Konchellah actually defended these gentleman in parliament and in the media.

This past weekend a series of events took place that left Kenyans collectively dumbfounded.

• These two gentlemen appeared at Jomo Kenyatta International Airport, and they had passes granting them access to all areas of the airport, a privilege very few indeed enjoy
• When challenged to open the bags one of their associates had flown in guns were drawn at hapless customs officials. GUNS WERE DRAWN! In our airport, ostensibly one of the best guarded facilities in the country.
• These individuals managed to somehow get out of the airport and drive to their safety
• Communication flew thick and fast between the police and ranking personalities in the government. To the amazement of Kenyans one faction wanted to raid and arrest these individuals and the other one was protecting them

In the end sanity prevailed and the house was raided. Among the contents of the raided house were:

1. Armaments supposedly traceable to the Presidential Security Brigade
2. Cars with foreign licence plates
3. Cars with Government licence plates
4. Jackets emblazoned with QRU, the kind that Kenyans will remember was worn by Government agents beating their own people on National Television
5. Letters of Appointment giving them the ranks of Deputy Police Commissioners
6. Kenyan Passports in their names

This whole fiasco beggars a number of immediate questions:

1. Who on earth are these men?
2. Why have they been defended by Cabinet Ministers on numerous occasions?
3. Exactly how is it that these men are Deputy Police Commissioners after barely 4 months in the country?
4. Who gave them carte Blanche access to our airports?
5. What are they doing with government equipment like arms?
6. Why has the Government time and time again failed to question them and their activities?
7. Who are these “big fish” that keep hindering the police from carrying out their duties in questioning these men?
8. These men are Armenian but they were deported to Dubai. Huh?

It also raises a number of not so obvious issues:

We have been trying for years to convince the USA and the European Union that our country is safe from threats of terrorism. And now in one fell swoop we are precisely back where we started, if not worse. If two yahoos can carry guns into our airports, get access to the entire airport, draw their weapons, threaten people and get away, I shudder to think what a determined group of terrorists could do.

In one fell swoop our tourism industry will yet again be struggling, we are the laughing stock of the International Community and if strange foreigners can be given powers over us mere citizens, just how is it we are a sovereign nation?

I for one find it ludicrous and yet frightening that the Government can grant total strangers powers above the law over me, a citizen. That the Government can allow total strangers to operate above the law. My Government has given strangers rights and privileges that I, a citizen, do not enjoy. This is insane.

Were the Madaraka Day celebrations a farce?

These men were whisked out of the country without being charged in court. After drawing a weapon in a sensitive area. After threatening custom officials with said weapon. After being found with arms and Government vehicles. Makes one wonder why other foreigners who break the law are charged and jailed.

Just last week a Somali warlord was unceremoniously bundled out of the country. Compare and contrast, if you will, how that operation compared with this one. Our mercenary friends were escorted to the airport like V.I.P.s. The Nation that night were following up a story that the me were not actually deported but were bought two business class RETURN tickets!

So naturally Kenyans are stunned and confused at these developments, and it is with a sigh of relief that our commander in chief appears on television. One would assume that he is going to take charge and reassure Kenyans that all is well and action is being taken to safeguard our sovereignty and security.

One would be wrong.

I am still stunned that while he had the nation’s ear, at prime time, the man had the gall to start clarifying that

The first family is composed of the following: First Lady Lucy, sons Jimmy, David …

After the nation has suffered a collective blow to its perceptions of security and sovereignty, the man we elected to look after these very things is wasting valuable prime time to “clarify” the constituency of his family.

Well!!

After an event that has had, is having, and will continue to have ramifications within and without the border, all of them bad, our Commander In Chief and President is “clarifying” who belongs to his family!

Well, allow me to respond, President Kibaki. Take down the following list:

• Hoot
• Two Hoots
• Damn
• Tuppence
• Crap
• Monkey’s Crap
• Rat’s Ass
• Flying Ass
• Flying Rat’s Ass

Got them? I hope so. Because these are all the things Kenyans DON’T GIVE about who constitutes your family. Just to be clear, let me try and drive the point home

• We don’t care if your first family is composed of Lucy, Jimmy, David and Judy.
• We don’t care if your family is composed of Mary Wambui and Winnie Mwai
• We don’t care if your family is composed of Huey, Louie and Dewey
• We don’t care if your family is composed of Cocky Locky, Ducky Lucky and Henny Penny
• We don’t care if your family is composed of Bilbo, Balin, Dwalin, Fili, Kili, Dori, Nori, Ori, Oin, Gloin, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur and Thorin Oakenshield.
• We don’t care if your family is composed of Kermit, Miss Piggy, Fozi Bear and Gonzo
• We don’t care if your family is composed of Goldilocks And The Three bears
• We don’t care if your family is composed of Robin Hood and the Big Bad Wolf
• We don’t care if your family is composed of Megatron, Laser Beak, Starscream and Sound Wave
• We don’t care if your family is composed of Grandmaster Flash and the Famous Five
• We don’t care if your family is composed of Cafu, Roberto Carlos, Ronaldo, Ronaldinho and Adriano
• We don’t care if your family is composed of Swee’pea, Olive Oyl and Wimpy
• We don’t care if your family is composed of Frank, Joe, Fenton and Laura Hardy
• We don’t care if the story of you and your daughters is called “Just The Three Of Us” or “The Wealth Of Nations”
• We don’t care if your college mates called you Casanova or CasaNever
• We don’t care whether you have enough children to get your own telephone exchange or not
• We don’t care if your family meetings are held in a living room or in a stadium
• We don’t care whether the Registrar of Marriages greets you with “You again?”

I hope you get the drift. Kenyans elected you to take charge of their security, their economy, their health, their jobs and that sort of thing. Those are the issues they want to hear you articulate. Anything else is a waste of their time, and yours.

We are beginning to tire of the fact that the only times you speak out it is invariably about Mary Wambui and her immediate offspring.

We don’t care. Trust me.

I think a change to your schedule would do you a power of good. You can delegate your duties but I’m afraid you CANNOT delegate your responsibiity.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“Well! Peter Crouch’s bicycle kick looks more like a Penny Farthing!”

“Oh! Dwight Yorke looks quite in pain — looks like he took all of Gerrard’s weight in his Michael Ballacks!”

AOB

Bankelele does an excellent summary of Finance Minister Amos Kimunya’s maiden budget yesterday

Sah’Lomon – Kumba