An informal poll I have just conducted has left me unsure of whether to laugh or to cry. I mean, when you ask a grown man with close to 30 years of belly development the last book he read, and that gentleman informs you the last book he read was The Winner and Other stories, it is cause for concern.

For the uninitiated, The Winner and Other Stories was a collection of short stories that tortured us unfortunates who went through the 8-4-4 syllabus while it still had stuff in it.

Doing some quick arithmetic, this chap last read a book 8 years ago.

And he was not done. Mistaking the stunned look on my face for admiration, he went on to enthusiastically share with me that he did not read newspapers either, aside from the daily cartoons and a monthly illustrated pullout called SuperStrikas. And, of course, the Pulse.

Now, you might tell me different strokes for different folks. Reading is not for some people.  If you think along these lines I suggest you raise your right hand and smack your head and hard as you can. My friend reading is not optional. Even if its to know how much milk to put into your cornflakes! You must read something, at the very least read my lips:

READ!

Strategy

My friend, let’s call her Redemptor, can reliably be heard bemoaning the lack of men in Nairobi. I have told he repeatedly that is a statistical impossibility, and I have many a time used simple techniques like asking her to

1. Open her eyes
2. Look around

Needless to say, she has been unconvinced.

Just this evening I ran into Redemptor, grimly ploughing through the pages of a booklet. At the sound of my noisy approach her look of concentration disappeared and she gave me her usual smile.

“What you got there?” I asked nonchalantly.

“Nothing, nothing!” The booklet at this point dropped to the floor and she scrabbled to pick it up. It had landed on its face so I naturally read the back.

The booklet was very ambitious indeed. It promised to:

• Unleash the secrets of men
• Give women insights into said men
• Unleash the secrets to allow women to capture and;
• Keep the said men interested;
• Get them to say “Of course you don’t look fat?” “Will you marry me?”

But much of the wind was knocked out the declaration’s sails by one or two issues

• One of the author’s names was Carla or Carol or something of the sort
• It was preceded by a Ms.
• Booklet could not be more than 50 pages

But fear not gentlemen. I’ve never said this before but for the last two decades I have been working on a book “Woman: A Detailed Insight”. It will undoubtedly be quite the feather in my cap. I have worked very hard on it and am making excellent progress. For those twenty years I’ve tackled and completed the title and the forward.

Looking good.

Some time back my jamaa Archer asked what I read. Mzee, this is for you.

Books & Bookmen

One of my quirks is that I read several books at the same time. I highly recommend this. Among its many benefits is

• Of all the books you are reading you can always continue the one most in your current mood (assuming you want to maintain it)
• Of all the books you are reading you can always continue the one least like your current mood (assuming you want to change it)
• Forces you to compartmentalize your mind so as to keep everything in its own little enclave

Of course the main drawback, especially while staring out is you will bewilder yourself when after 40 days and 40 nights the Red October will surface and Jack Ryan will emerge from its depths and Noah will attempt to get his precious from him.

Anyway, I digress Right now I am reading the following:

Scarecrow : Matthew Reilly

If you want to know what fast paced is, read this book. By page 3 people are already targeted for death. After that its all downhill. Across several continents mortuaries are kept busy attending to the corpses the good and bad guys kill with gay reckless abandon.

In terms of techniques Mr Reilly does not discriminate. Those who are not shot or stabbed are beheaded, thrown off buildings, thrown off cliffs, strangled, burned alive, guillotined.

The only books where more people die are those that talk about the Hiroshima bomb.

Mr Reilly also has a fine disregard for the laws of physics, chiefly gravity, aerodynamics and magnetism, which allows him a lot of room for his characters to maneuver. Rather than spoil the goodness of this action, let me just say there is a scene where a a car at full speed rolls onto the roof of another and then hits the ground on the other side, still at full speed.

If you can suspend reality (and credulity)  for a few hours you will enjoy this.

Le Morte d’Arthur : Thomas Mallory

If Matthew Reilly had scant disregard for human life, Thomas Mallory is the grim reaper himself. While Reilly’s characters generally killed one at a time, King Arthur’s knights slay thousands at a go.

… However he was met by Sir Launcelot and Sir Bors, and before long five thousand Saracens lay dead or dying …

Mallory is also fiendishly creative

… With his first stroke sir Launcelot split open the knight’s head, down to his throat …

Yikes.

You cannot say you have lived life until you have read and grasped this lounge twister

… And so after midnyght, ayenst day, the Bysshop that was hermyte, as he laye in the bedde aslepe, he fyl upon a grete laughter…

Loving it, loving it.

The Teeth Of The Tiger : Tom Clancy

While the other books I’m reading go to great detail to outline the action, Tom Clancy goes out of his way to outline inaction. He describes things that have nothing to do with the story in embarrassing detail.

Take for instance a meeting between a Marine, fresh from slaughtering Afghans, meeting with an impressed senior officer who wants to set up a crack unit to fight terrorists.

It is only a gifted few, such as Mr Clancy that can capitalize on this opportunity and have scintillating conversation like this

“You can try the bagels, but they aren’t that good, sir”, Caruso warned as he got two English muffins and real butter. He was clearly too young to worry about cholesterol …

Hardesty got himself a box of Cheerios, because he had gotten that old, rather to his annoyance, along with low fat milk and non sugar sweeteners.

The coffee mugs were large …

Yep. 625 pages, most if it waffle. It is getting harder and harder to read.

On Writing  :  Stephen King

Even if you don’t want to write, read this anyway. It will explain to you why there are some writers you just cannot stand but can’t explain why. It is also Stephen King’s autobiography of sorts

I also have an off and on relationship with my William Shakespeare Omnibus that has crammed all his works in a tiny font into a couple of thousand pages. Bill is VERY HARD to read in his original form but boy is that chap deep!

QUOTE OF THE DAY

While in Egypt, take any 3 men at random

• One will be called Mohammed
• One will be called Ali
• The third will be called Mohammed Ali