It must be very different being a nabob in the Mwai Kibaki administration. I say this for a number of reasons. Just imagine:

1. Cabinet meetings replete with pistol like shots of elderly knees, elbows and knuckles cracking like fireworks
2. An atmosphere thick with the smell of Kiwi shoe polish, the ultimate victor over grey hair
3. Working in an environment of such a proliferation of false teeth, glass eyes, false nails and even false alarms that it is necessary to have a comprehensive checklist
4. Working with ministers who have the vague suspicion that the Internet is used to catch Interfish

Few things are as amusing as three fellows launching an initiative for the youth, when said three fellows have a collective experience of a quarter a millennium between them. Fellows whose ID numbers are as follows: 0000001, 0000002 and 0000003.

I’d especially hate to be a nabob in that particular administration now, an administration that goes from strength to strength when it comes to never missing opportunities to miss opportunities. Bill Clinton was undoubtedly a popular US president who left a legacy in many ways, good and bad. Even the most junior politician with the intelligence quotient of a bowl of soup learnt in the wake of Linda Tripp and Monica “DNA” Lewinsky affair that folks have a nasty habit of leaving tape recorders on during discussion of the most interesting topics.

And with the proliferation of high powered, sophisticated technology to disseminate content such as Winamp, and bandwidth friendly audio formats such as mp3s, such content can make its way to the desktops, laptops, ipods and blank CDs at your favourite CD pirating cybercafe.

It is such a scenario that confronts the hapless NARC regime. The rapt attention that Kenyans hold 24 and Prison Break is nothing to that they have for The Githongo Tapes. 

If you want to experience the felling that is going through fellows whose job titles includes the word “Minister”, just imagine yourself riding a violent horse bareback while wearing yellow y-fronts filled with coarse sand while your mother, the woman you’re trying to convince you’re Mr Right and 30 of your high school classmates who considered you the laughing stock of the century watch on howling in amusement. 

Just last week, Smilin’ Amos Wako, he of the 60 teeth, rather pompously declared that Kiraitu Murungi and David Mwiraria had been cleared of attempting to cover up the Anglo Leasing scandal. 

The news must have come as a welcome relief to Kiraitu Murungi. I can picture him now putting down the anthology of his truly atrocious poetry (poetry that when read out loud makes you want to hold the top of  your head to keep it from exploding) upon receiving the welcome news. I can also picture his shoulders shaking, his teeth coming out to play as he laughs even harder than he did shortly after he told a stunned nation that donor behavior was like raping a woman who was already willing.

David Mwiraria must have been no less relieved at the news. Climbing onto the pavement from the road with the aid of climbing gear, and minding that he does not get stepped on by passing reporters, it is easy to picture him, colour clashing cap on his head, giving thanks. 

Smilin’ Wako is still smiling his smile (and small children are being kept busy to count all his teeth) when “Sheriff” John Githongo drops the bomb, about the size of the one Walker Bush is trying to find in Eye-Raq.

Mwiraria: Mmm..

Githongo: My initial thinking…[Interrupted by Mwiraria]

Mwiraria: No! no! Bwana Githongo..

Githongo: Mmm..

Mwiraria: Hii kitu…(This thing)

Githongo: Mmm..

Mwiraria: If we are not careful..

Githongo: Mmm…

Mwiraria: Will come down with our Government…..

Githongo: Mmm..

Mwiraria: What I am suggesting..

Githongo: Mmm…

Mwiraria: Why don’t you…

Githongo: Mmm..

Mwiraria: and Anti-Corruption, and I am saying this in your presence Mweshimiwa (Honorable, referring to Kiraitu)…

Githongo: Mmm..

Mwiraria: drop this matter…

Githongo: Mmm..

Mwiraria: I will get..

Githongo: Mmm…

Mwiraria: to the root of the matter, I will find out who it is..

Githongo: Mmm…

Mwiraria: in my own way?

Githongo: Mmm…

Mwiraria: Ya… I have not appraised it?but I will find out exactly…ya…that information.

Githongo: Mmm…

Mwiraria: We start harassing Ojiambo…ya….

Githongo: Mmm…

Mwiraria: you never know…

Githongo: What he might say..

Mwiraria: What he might say..and who else…

Githongo: he will pick on…

Mwiraria: he will pick on…and who he will go down with Anglo Leasing…..

….Kiraitu: Mmm…He was released?

Githongo: He was released, yes.

Mwiraria: Was he held?!

Githongo: He was held….he was arrested…he was officially arrested yesterday…at around four o’clock until he was released at nine in the evening.

Kiraitu: Did he record a statement?

Githongo: Emm…I do not think so…

Mwiraria: Did he give you any information?….Why don’t we do this Mweshimiwa (Honourable, [to Kiraitu]…

Kiraitu: Mmm?

Mwiraria: …as I said…I wrote a memo ? which is interesting… You know when I came…and we talked here…. nilipigia Magari (I called Magari, the Treasury PS) …there is a day I came from Kampala and I found Magari had just gone to the PAC (Parliamentary Accounts Committee) and he had said he knew Anglo Leasing so when I went back, I told you why I talked to H.E (His Excellency), H.E wanted information before I went back…asked for information…I got the contract, I went through it, and the memo to H.E. ….And H.E. agreed that you should try and get back the money. So I found out from my officers who know where the other money had come from… I didn’t even ask them to give me the names. So I said, go and see them?tell them…. tunataka hio ingine (we want that other stuff)…the money is now in the Central Bank. It has been returned now.

Kenyans listened with rapt attention as a trusted Minister of the Kibaki administration attempted to convince the Anti-Corruption czar to drop his investigations.

The actual interview needs to be listened on tape to appreciate its full hilarity. Mwiraria sounds like a embarrassed small boy who is an unwilling audience of an embarrassed talk about the birdies and the bees from an even more unwilling father.

Kenyans looking for NARC to guide this country out of the morass of corruption have about the same chances of success as Israelites would have had if they wanted Pharaoh to lead them out of Egypt.

Hollow promises to ruthlessly prosecute corruption continue to echo 5 years after Kibaki bellowed his determination to pursue the corrupt to the end. We were promised there were no sacred cows but at present cabinet meetings are routinely punctuated with a series of mooing and lowing.

In the cabinet right now sit two cabinet ministers tainted by corruption, as well as our smug Vice President, under whose docket the passports scandal squarely fell.

A commission was created to pursue the corrupt, and Justice Aaron Ringera, who repeatedly claims that he will be indefatigable in the pursuit of the corrupt, has put his skills to indefatigably pursue the wind. For this we pay the man 2.4 million shillings. Question: can Ringera investigate his way out of a paper bag?

We await the next episode of the series with bated breath

PIC OF THE DAY

The Logo we know. The name …

Ciara – Promise