44

What the …?

Posted February 14th, 2007 in Hubbub by M

[EDIT]

As I write this there are some very puzzled parents unsure of what to make of their current status quo.

Imagine if you will, as a proud father of your son, and the fruit of your loins appears unannounced with official correspondence in his hand and a tear in his eye.

Imagine still more opening said correspondence and reading the following:

Mr Hugh Jass *
P.O. Box xxxxxxx
Nairobi, Kenya

 

Mr Lard Dass *,
Headmaster,
Ndururumo* Secondary School

Dear Sir,

We are suspending your son because it has come to our attention that he is too fully equipped too adequately protected from the elements wearing polo necks in the era of v-necks in possession of more than he needs downstairs a tad too covered far too modest for his own good not circumcised.

We find this to be an unfortunate state of affairs, and I hasten to emphasize that it with a heavy heart that I am sending your son home. Let me cut to the chase get to the meat of the matter get to the point.  You will need to get your son’s –er– equipment attended to, such that he is in conformity with his fellows. He may be thick skinned able to ride rough shod over life resistant to peer pressure but there is only so much taunting one can take from his friends.

Once you have cut the Gordian knot cut down this obstacle beheaded this behemoth performed the required operation, your son is welcome to resume his studies at his convenience.

Regards.

Lard Dass

 

If I were a Hugh Jass, my response would be as follows:

 

Mr Lard Dass *,
Headmaster,
Ndururumo* Secondary School

 

Mr Hugh Jass *
Father
Nairobi, Kenya

Dear Sir,

It is with quite some consternation that I read your letter. A certain 3 letter acronym comes to mind, the first being W and the last being F.

Let me make it brief: I shall draw your attention to the following issues

  1. How did you ascertain the status of my son’s — er — equipment?
  2. See #1
  3. See #2
  4. How fast does a headmaster on foot need to travel to get away from an angry man driving at 190km/h
  5. You are a doofus

Regards

Hugh

 

*Names changed to protect identities

 

Only in Kenya, my friends, only in Kenya

PIC OF THE DAY

Mahiakalo area assistant chief, Amos Ngaira whips suspects after he raided their home in Bukhulunya village Kakamega district and recovered property worth Sh100,000 believed to have been stolen.

Blink 182 – I Miss You

  • http://blog.thinkersroom.com m

    Test comment for people using the howling dog that is IE 6

  • http://tallb.wordpress.com aegeus

    Second? How?!

  • http://mywordsonly.blogspot.com acolyte

    Third! Take that! Take that!

  • http://mywordsonly.blogspot.com acolyte

    Sadly in Kenya esp in the rural areas being a “kihii” in a boys school can cause alot of suffering. I recall a case where a boy was teased so much that he attempted to circumcise himself, of course the results were painful to say the least. Or who knows some students may take it upon themselves to do the procedure for them by force.
    But I too wonder how the admin found out? Do they have monitors in the showers, is it part of the pre school examination or did someone blab, and even if someone did blab what the hell were they doing looking at someone’s equipment. Unless they were all playing soggy biscuit.

  • http://nichgich.blogspot.com Couch Tato

    the question is not how he knew the 20 were not cut…but how he knew 1000-20 were cut!!!!

    Can you imagine detention cause you are wearing a polo/turtle neck!

  • http://kadhat.blogspot.com egm

    I’m at a loss of words. In the words of Aco’s Kamau, Ka nikii? How the heck? It’s of how? Who cares what the condition of the boy’s equipment is? And what has that to do with anything concerning his education???

  • http://tallb.wordpress.com aegeus

    ROTFL. Aii! Kwani when they are checking the lads into school the headi is like, ruler, check, maths set, check, 2 t-shirts for PE – green, toa suruari….polo neck…present…patia hii kijana ire mbarua. NEXT!

  • farmgal

    Only in Kenya indeed!
    Does it mean all the peeps commenting now are bila vals? That includes me…

  • http://guestblogga.blogspot.com Guest Blogger+Guest Commenter

    Dear Sir,

    Your son has temporarily been suspended because of a little suspension. We try to promote a free community and we strive for equality. We therefore find it totally demoralising to the other children that your son has more than the others.Envy is a spirit we do not entertain(wish to grow.) Those without should never be placed in a position to feel inferior or lacking. Hence in a sense of harmony, all thermos flasks should do without the outer cup cover. The inner cover will do, no need for fancy gadgets. Infact the less to wash the more the water we save.

    Following some thorough scrutiny of various garden hoses we found your son’s to be non-conforming. Possesing a nozzle instead of the conventional pipe!We have advocated in the past that children should not carry excess material(s) into school unless they are willing to distribute such items equitably…and evidently that wrapper cannot be expected to cover all the lollipops present in their soft or hard, toffee or candy form.

    We therefore recommend that you attend to the said wrapper post haste to enable him resume his studies while said member is suitably unadorned

    I will be waiting eagerly to receive him with open arms one arm for each suitably bald head. Let’s work together promoting our school motto “Peace without Piece!”

    Thank You.
    P. Dow Phyle.

  • msanii

    He he…talk about overreaching.

  • Steve

    Acolyte – Soggy Biscuit?

    I laughed so hard that snot came out on my nose. The idea that something like this exists boggles my mind.

    Only adolescent males could have dreamt this one up.

  • Steve

    But coming back to more serious issues: being of the Meru persuasion, I have to feel for these kids. Boys schools in Meru are hell if you haven’t had da cut so this guy might have had a point.

    I am not saying that he should have done what he did, just saying that we need to recognize that he was took a very misguided (maybe stupid?) approach to solving a real problem.

  • TeeJ

    I still wanna know how that headi found out! Anyone?

  • I

    M… I think I am more puzzled than the parent that got this letter, I have to say I am tempted to take this as “a made up letter for amusement”
    however, I dont take you as one who would sit and come up with such a letter for amusement, that said, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha… waaaaaaaaaaa.. ..

    Nothing short of Hilarious!!

  • http://www.ciikuandhermess.blogspot.com Ciiku

    Oh dear.

    I read that story online and just could not help but shake my head. What in the hell?? How? Why? Huh? I am perturbed

    As for Aco… I could have lived the rest of my life quite comfortably without knowing about the existence of “The Soggy Biscuit”

  • http://chondima.blogspot.com Sarah

    Madness, pure madness.. isn’t the school pushing things a tad much?

  • http://ichiena.blogspot.com Ichiena

    Wa! How did they find out – that is what i want to know.

    Lakini, M surely – Mr. Huge Ass? 3 letter acronym – WFF dare I ask, hehe.

    @GB: Pdophyle!!!

    What have you two been smoking yawa?? LOL you have both done killed me.

  • http://ichiena.blogspot.com Ichiena

    By the way – your spamcatcher had blacklisted me 6 hours back! Sorted it out apparently…phew.

  • eclipse

    Aco soggy biscuit heheheheh!–we still waiting.

    M too true..how the hell did he know…ama kuna inspection like when u go to jail?..

    Mr Hugh Jass * haahahahahahahahahahah!!

    ‘beheaded this behemoth’ hahahah! M u is out of this world…like ive always said..ONLY IN KENYA!

  • Jogoo wa Shamba

    WTF?? Its just beyond me.Times have changed indeed.

    @Aco – Soggy biscuit?!! Chief, whatever you’ve smoking must be the best grade in the market. Still waiting for part 6

  • http://gishungwa.blogspot.com Gish

    LOL eish mister headmaster that is beyond the call of duty talk of going the extra mile.
    GB, you are certifiable

  • http://odeglenyanginv.blogspot.com/ odegle

    forgive my ignorance but i thought all young meru men get cut? how did 24 boys escape this in the heart of meru? after the headmaster dutifuly uncovered this conspiracy against the gods of circumsicion and corrected it (kudos to the man) i think the next best thing is to get our leaders to declare their cut or be given suspension letters from the head of state!

  • http://thootsmusings.blogspot.com Aizoh

    The boarding school I attended had bathrooms that had no doors so it was easy to know which “behemoth” had not been “beheaded” (m wewe ni chizi. Boza yako ni which?).Anyway, considering the suffering a “kihii” would go thru being in rural Meruland, the teacher had a point.Only that he handled the issue brainlessly.The parents too should take some blame. Where were these boys in Dec when the other boys were getting the cut?

  • http://www.randomgirlnextdoor.blogspot.com Girl Next Door

    I feel sorry for the dudes. Kwani when did circumcision become mandatory? Saying it’s tradition is not a good reason. If this happened to chics, there’d be a huge protest even though it’s also a tradition in some parts of the country.

  • Lovely

    Heeeeeeh “Soggy Bic”s” Cant stop laughing

    BTW, Unless the lads come from tribes that dont practice ‘the cut’ Otherwise why do parents let the boys get to that age minus a cut.

    The way this issue was handled by the HM is wrong BUT, Still its a wake up call for parents who sleep waiting for admission letters without considering such issues as “MY BOY IS BIG ENOUGH FOR A CUT” B4 its late.

  • http://www.simplclarah.com Klara

    Interesting Debate

  • http://toiyoi.wordpress.com/ toiyoi

    See the results of leaving Mungiki unchecked?

  • VituVingiSana

    Aco – Pls stop munching on soggy biscuits & get back to writing Part 6…

  • Mitzy

    I’m with TeeJ and Aegeus… also how is the HM going to check and make sure the students have been circumcised and healed before they are readmitted?
    As for the “nyahunyo” in that picture, hilarious!! That Mahiakalo area assistant chief needs to pay Mr Lard Ass at Ndururumo a visit.
    Aco, one can play soggy biscuit online? Aiiiee!

  • http://Nakeel.blogspot.com Nakeel

    Kenya has alot opf creativity can someone just tell me the Headie just smelt and found they were uncut coz I cant imagine the matron or its who the teachers telling you drop it down.
    I think the prefects were jotting down during shower time.
    Love the new look. Been gone for long?

  • http://gathara.blogspot.com Patrick Gathara

    The ignorance and stupidity exhibited by this genitalman Lard Dass is only equaled by the ignorance and stupidity of those among us who reject Raila’s candidature on the grounds that he too is a “kihii”. Actually, when I first read the post, I thought the entire thing was a parody of this situation. I was horrified to discover that the events described actually took place.

    PS
    Is it only me who thinks that it is actually illegal and immoral for an assistant chief to go around whipping suspects? Whatever happened to the ideals of due process and presumption of innocence?

  • http://gathara.blogspot.com Patrick Gathara

    Just checked out the soggy biscuit dossier. That’s truly mass-turbation! And the idea of punishing he who lasts longest must surely account for the reputed lack of stamina among English males. All women should unite to oppos this affront to their sexual bliss.

  • donworry

    Thanks for the piece M. Sadly we have politicians who constantly bring up this issue and I am not surprised that a Headmaster wants his moment in the limelight.

    We have spent ages travelling but it seems we have not gotten very far

  • http://www.porojo.com Kimani

    As usual, find your answers from the West. Here:

    http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/6367807.stm

    Kiriani High School is in Meru and it is not a National School. I will reasonably assume that everybody who attends that school is from the “neighborhood”. On that premise, I can figure, being “cut” is part of their “being.” I will also postulate that those boys who were expelled are very happy that the headmaster sent them home to be “cut” to make them feel that they “belong”.

    I experienced the same kind of thing when I joined form one. My friend forcibly “examined” me in the football pitch after I had cheated them that “I now belonged” after the April Holidays. This was a terrible “embarassment” for me BUT it also became my “powerful” weapon against my dad who had not paid for my “becoming” over the holidays. Come August holidays, I said to dad: “If you don’t facilitate my becoming a man, I am not going back to school.” Needless to say, my father did the needful.

    And by the way, when I went back to school after the event, I got the approval from my “men mates” to approach the “babes” from our sister school. You might argue that I never needed that approval in the first place but, between you and me, theory is far removed from reality!

    Do you guys remember St. Kizito? If you ask me, this headmaster averted a disaster. He deserves our kudos, not condemnation.

  • Brainz

    ROTHFMBAOL!!!

    Here here WTF?? kwani is the boy learning wit his dic?

    great Post

  • http://www.unycjollity.blogspot.com Unyc

    That story was just 2 shocking!! That school prob has enuf homo’s which can only explain how they found out…

    Can u imagine if chics were sent away for not having their periods? sick i tell ya!

  • http://chrenyan.wordpress.com Chrenyan

    The zealousness of that chief… he! he! It’s sad that I saw some people animatedly supporting the headmaster’s action. ‘Sterrible.

  • http://kenyananalyst.wordpress.com/ Kenyan Analyst

    M, they say a Mr. M was gunned down in Athi…alongside Mr. Matheri…u kno, the mboys wa on patrol, then there was that exchange of fire…Mr. M…:-)

  • http://blog.uhuru.de JKE

    “wearing polo necks in the era of v-necks”

    With expressions like these, I would like to officially declare you as THE worthy successor to Wahome Muathi. (kann man das so sagen?)

  • http://blog.uhuru.de JKE

    Mutahi..

  • edwin

    i would like to second steve here (i being a meru from kiriani,for real!).
    i think the headie’intentions were good but the way he went about the issue was ish-ish. trust me, its hell for boys who havent seen a mutani
    in such a school.so i think peeps should be looking at the real issue here instead of going on about stuff like how did he know.going on about how such things are so 17th century is not the reality in meru heartland.
    cheers M!

  • http://justsue.wordpress.com Sue

    Enyewe that was unfair coz i don’t think anyone has the right to force the other into circumsicion coz I don’t really think those traditions reaaaaaly matter…

    @ Aegeus.. =)) that is funny ati polo neck.. That was funny

  • http://www.africanpath.com Joshua

    This is most hilarious. Kenya will always be Kenya.

  • munyanta

    mi thinks the headmaster did well in sending them home. i went to some highschool(which coincidentally has the same name) where the uncut witnessed horrendous bullying. we used to take showers in open bathrooms(called them ‘car wash’ dem dayz ) and am telling you no ‘kihii’ a.k.a ‘bell ringer’ could enter there when the cut guyz were showering.the only option sometimes for them was to bath outside at night in the bushes.

    P.S: Jus thinking of that soggy biscuit eish makes me wanna puke !!!!

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