By and large I believe in Charles Darwin’s theories, especially natural selection and survival of the fittest. But do the fittest of the species always survive?

• Why or why do doofuses at an elevator push both the up and down buttons, fondly imagining the lift will come faster? To add insult to injury, the stain on our collective DNA pushes the buttons repeatedly, suspecting that the bright red light is just, to coin a rugby expression, a “dummy”.
• While still on the lifts, one wonders whether to laugh, cry or both when seeing a daughter of a mother
  • Wait 5 minutes for a lift to come down to the ground floor
  • Upon entering the lift press the button for 1st floor (there are no mezzanines)
  • Upon getting to the 1st floor enter an establishment whose core business is a gymnasium
  • Later over hear said lady, over a large and greasy meal. asking her friends if they think she has lost wait. No, HMS Ulysses, you have not lost weight. If you wait 5 minutes for a lift to take you up one floor, you don’t have to think too hard to realize why your friends refer to your belt as the equator and your trousers as the Tropic Of Capricorn
• I am sick and tired of hearting about Raila Odinga and his bloody Hummer. I have had enough forwards from kind people who think my knowledge of all things Hummer is wanting, and thus pollute my inbox with all sorts of photos, specifications and catalogues. Listen nitwits:
  • There is no way a plain vanilla Hummer can cost 45 million shillings. 45 million shillings, using a rounded off dollar rate of 70 bob, is about 640,000 dollars.
  • Unless Raila Odinga’s Hummer polishes Raila Odinga’s shoes, brushes Raila Odinga’s teeth, reads to him bedtime stories and calls him Papi after a hard day’s work, no one gives a flying rat’s ass.
  • If you are still forwarding these bloody forwards, rest assured someone somewhere is imagining taking the largest model of the hummer, covering with with gravy, turning it sideways and STICKING IT STRAIGHT UP YOUR [This section reserved by management]
• The next time you’re preaching to me about Don Imus, you’ll be a lot more convincing if at the time
  • You don’t hail me with a smile and a cordial “What’s up nigga!”
  • Your CD player is not belting out very loudly “I make it rain on them hoes, I make it rain“.
  • You keep referring to bitches and it is common knowledge you have no pets
• The next time you attempt to justify anything by telling me you were under the influence of Mr Al Koholic, that look in my eye is me imagining you
  • Being horse whipped
  • Being whipped by a horse
• The other day concerned souls forcefully sat me down and told me who the Kenya’s celebs are. Among them are
  • A doofus who hired a helicopter to fly over a fence
  • Several half-witted stars and starlettes who torture our eardrums on radio. Since when did reading news on radio make you a celebrity?
• It goes without saying I completely reject the nitwits we celebrate as celebrities. I can confidently say that I am jolly interested in what folks like Paul Tergat are up to, not the shenanigans of twelve jabronies at the coast
• A movie is in the works about Anna Nicole Smith. Who. Cares?
• Paris Hilton and Britney Spears are generally top searches on Yahoo. If you are one of the doofuses wasting our limited bandwidth searching for those two smack your fat head as hard as you possibly can.
• There is no difference between Othaya Really Old Boys & Country Club (Narc Kenya) and the Court Jesters Association (ODM-K). Both should take very long walks off very short piers.
• I no longer take the notion of “African Time” or ladies being “fashionably late” seriously. At all. In fact if you find yourself saying this that patient look on my face is not of understanding. It is me praying very hard that re-incarnation is true, so that you can come back as a toilet seat in the only toilet in  a men’s hostel during a diarrhoea outbreak.
• And last but not least, I object to being generalized. I object to being referred to as a typical man. And should you find yourself addressing me thus, then rest assured this typical man is typically thinking you can kiss his typical [This section reserved by management]

Groan Of The Day

Dude, you need to get serious. Wash your damn car! Kwani you think you’re Chamillionaire?

 Walanguzi – Vaseline