I have once before talked briefly about the cornerstone of Kenyan industry, the bedrock on which the giants on whose backs we climb upon to see far stand on — morning tea.
The NARC Government fondly imagines itself to be the engine behind the Kenyan industry. Those beefy gentlemen and ladies will doubtlessly be upset to learn that they are taking credit from where it is due — a certain leaf actively cultivated and harvested in the Kenyan highlands.
People for some reason just cannot seem to break out the sweat of honest toil without a mug of some liquid of indeterminate colour steaming at their elbow. Sugar, milk and even water are optional, but tea leaves must, I repeat MUST be present. Unconfirmed rumours circulating the office have attributed to a senior manager an incident where said manager was seen to be chewing meditatively with an empty tea bag torn open on said manager’s desk. The unconvincing explanation, coupled with the expression of sheer guilt cast the matter in stone.
Many of my colleagues for instance, communicate in gruff, abrupt grunts early in the morning (“morning” officially begins after tea is served). They shuffle forward absently, look at their neighbours balefully and are more tightly strung than the belt that keeps the presidential trousers in position. The particularly gifted in the linguistics department confine themselves to two or three monosyllabic grunts as a response to anything, ranging from “good morning” to “so, this weather we’re having.”
Even particularly humorous anecdotes fail to evoke laughter. An occupant of a distant office, upon being told of a particularly humorous tale that reduced the teller to tears, was heard to respond with an abrupt “LOL”.
The 15 minutes to 9 appear to be the most trying. Computer keyboards can be heard rattling audibly, leaving you to ponder what it is that is being typed: you know for a fact that the men from Kenya Power disconnected the power half an hour ago and the generator key is in your right front trouser pocket. One member of the team, infamous for his reluctance to use words with more than two syllables, is reduced to assorted growls and facial expressions. The facial expressions in particular have an informal pool in the office as to whether or not they can stand in the way of the siring of his progeny.
By a combination of good fortune and Machiavellian stratagems, I happen to inhabit a corner office that directly adjoins the kitchen. In fact there is a window that opens directly into the kitchen, through which I can hail the good lady that dispenses this valuable elixir. This window has and will continue to be used to its maximum potential — establishing Stephen Hawkins’ truth as to the shortest distance between two points.
It also allows me to observe strategies verging on the Napoleonic.
You fill find a chap saunter into the kitchen, drop a biro and spend the next half an hour looking for it and 5 seconds picking it up. It may help to note that on a linear time scale time T1, time when tea is served and time T2, time after which biro is picked up differ by the said 5 seconds.
You will also find another chap whose skills in matters culinary put him in the rare percentile of individuals who when tasked to boil water, manage to burn it. When asked to butter bread and sugar the tea end up teaing the butter and breading the sugar. These are the fellows who very chivalrously volunteer to help the good lady dispense the tea. Burns, scalds and scars never seam to dampen their enthusiasm.
I’m reminded of a chap who reasoned he could juggle the tasks of scaling the steps and chewing the gum, and arrived in the kitchen equipped with biro behind the ear and laptop computer. My pet theory that man is on earth for the entertainment of those in heaven enjoying eternity gained that much more credence that day. IBM Thinkpads may be XP compatible, 2000 compatible and 2003 compatible, but they most certainly are NOT H2O compatible. I also learned that hard drives are powerless against soft margarine.
Management too need their fix. Nothing galvanizes the work force more than the well known engine notes of the vehicle that delivers the MD to his people. One particularly slow employee flung himself onto a desk and begun typing industriously before gravity and the grim, look from the man that paid his salary (who had not had his morning tea) forced him to realize that
- He may have found a chair but the chair had no desk
- If there was no desk there was unlikely to be a computer
- Without a computer, or indeed any device of any kind, the value of typing was questionable
But inevitably the tea is delivered into grateful hands. Both of them. Everyone else has not time for Job and his ideas of patience. Mohammed moves to the mountain and the bewildered tea lady is gently but firmly relieved of her tray bearing mugs of tea even before she leaves the kitchen. Those of us old enough to remember footage of one Daniel Arap Moi helping out with building gabions will understand how those mugs rapidly pass from hand to hand.
The effects of the tea are almost instantaneous. Our colleague who hitherto has been communicating with grunts and scowls now peppers his speech with words like onomatopoeia and refers to his token salary as the ‘ product of a decidedly conservative fiscal policy’.
“Good mornings” that has been hitherto responded to with hostile glares are warmly returned. Hands are clasped in a comradely atmosphere and inquiries into the health of the wife and the baby are exchanged.
Sons of toil shout with good natured amusement on realizing that power has been gone for the last half hour and therefore all their typing has been in vain.
People have been known to snap out of a semi-comatose state and state with wonder that their last recollection was laying their weary heads on their pillows and are surprised and amazed to find themselves in the office kitchen.
Hair that has hitherto been wildly spiky relaxes and mellows (except mine).
Brothers and sisters hail themselves with cheer and enthusiasm, and as power is reconnected, another day of industry proceeds.
AOB
The tribulations of my man Archer should be a lesson to all. There are yahoos everywhere. KBW, needless to say, is *not* an exception. Watch thyself!
Puff Johnson – Yearning
I am here to….
LOL! Well, this is the genre of writing that I like to read. Well put, well said, and funny in spades!
I had a properly long post…sorry comment but somehow it was chewed by Wordpress…bloody idiots! This is what i could muster at second try…
You went and wrote about tea…chai…hey i demand a rewrite! Java juu! Or i just do it myself and rewrite it inserting coffee wherever tea appears. :-) That saga has ensured that i change passwords on all my accounts ensuring i lock even myself out of the said accounts and spend many long hours trying to get back in. Be very careful who you trust…there are peeps with too much time on their hands and evil thoughts on their mind.
As for the internet … there are just too many yahoos. Watu wajichunge
Look who is talking! Aren’t you the guy I read about on Mashada harassing women bloggers?
doofusesgentefolk like you too lazy to use google to verify facts, or lack thereofHa, interesting. I guess I somehow missed the boat on the tea-loving (coffee for the likes of Aegeus) gene, cause I really have no taste for it. I’ll drink it when offered, but I won’t go out of my way to do so.
As for those still typing away, maybe all that concentrated energy of anticipation for their tea dose is transduced to some weird form of electricity which somehow powers up their PCs even in the event of a blackout.
As for the saga, Aegeus said it best. Constant monitoring is vital to prevent such yahoos from performing such vile acts. Sad that we have to be disadvantaged by this!
And even as I type this, another yahooey troll pops up. Dunia kweli ina mambo!
bwe he he..
my dude si you are hilarity personified. had good laugh.
I just somad about archers tribulations. Time for me to give up the pen before I am accused of writing an anti-kibaki blog hacked by the GSU
Ah, for the love of tea.
I went to a school where tea was served for breakfast, lunch AND supper. The tradition in the Ichiena shags is that tea MUST be served after supper. Otherwise serikali might be overturned in the kitchen.
On that note, let me go get me a cuppa.
How about TextEdit? I think i will use that from now on…thanks for the tip…Bring me tea or coffee but then si 4 cups of tea equals 1 cup of coffee? Ichi, i know a few households where you arrive, tea flask is on the table, 5 litres kwanza **didnt know those were available**, you are served in HUGE mugs then before the meal, during the meal and again after the meal they insist on 2 more cups! :-)
ha ha ha.. I can totally relate to you M.. except the part that i have to fix my own tea..and the milk is ALWAYS none fat!!
Why do people put others on diets!!
I like my tea with all the cream that comes with whole milk!
dishwatermilkLOL @ Moi building gabions! That used to be featured on the news or Kenya NewsReel for almost 10 minutes each time.
M, since you worked out a deal where she brings you both coffee AND tea, perhaps you should consolidate and consider CoffTea or TeaFee :D
This is exactly why I am always late.
Whereas late = just in time for the morning tea. And dry marble cake, of course!
As for that LOL comment – makes me think your folks @ office world are using ICQ to communicate from desk to desk? ^^
Great post, M.!
Damn! This is what I get for trying to be a productive citizen at a work, 13th place :(. Chai is indeed one of the fuels of our nation!
As for Moi building gabions, I can’t forget the site of him in his psychedelic shirts doing his part to save the soil as he tore away the rest of the foundation of the state in other ways.
Building Masinga dam,
building Masinga dam,
Irrigating laaand,
Irrigating laaaaand,
Irrigating laaaaaaand!
As for Archer’s plight, there are many sociopathic idiots out there, take care of your password and be careful who your “friends” are.
I’m probably the slowest starter in the office and only a very strong cup of coffee will perk me up. Tea is too tepid to fire up my synapses. When coffee fails I will resort to the big boys aka Red Bull to stir me up.
Right about the Yahoos pity that such behaviour is creeping it KBW.
Goodness!
Having read “Masaibu ya Ndugu Archer”, I have speedily changed my password, which I’d given to KBJ at some point… Not saying anything, just being careful!
ati Lol! And the crewman who managed to burn water…Your humour is like a hummer:-) You took us way way back with that image of Baba Gideon building gabions…I may be wrong but wasn’t it he that invented that word….Gabions.
!
On a serious note you have done well to highlight archers plight if only to remind us of vigilance. We must chunga our passwords hawkishly and treat all hackers with the contempt that they deserve. look what they did to the narc website!
New resolution:
Arrange face into bored, but bordering- on-desperation expression, then mutter “LOL” to anyone who tries to talk to me before I’ve had my morning tea.
You’re a genius.
This Post reminded me of my dear Brother! The jamaa loves tea n can take it 4 breakfast, Lunch, n dinner! :) Me am not a fun!
Siku za Moi…chai was used 2 mean somthin else!
The title on the post reminded me of the t-bag in prison break :)
I love tea too.. Especially one from those tea leaves straight form the factory, and fresh milk, and slightly more water than the milk… The aroma… I just love tea. Will never maliza describing it…
Dan toro sure had many projects.. I appreciate that in the least anyway..
On hackers, we all should make sure to monitor who we give their password. You can’t go whoreing around your password, with the knowledge of the internet (well of course unless you live in a cave.. or are of the no-computer are)and expect for a hacker who has well been lookin for a good hack to forgive you. the only key here is to use your wisdom.. :)
Again I think it is a good idea to research and find out the facts before pointing accusing fingers at innocent victims, and more so, speak when you’re completely sure of what you speak about..i.e @ We Wacha and the rest ofcourse..
Your blog is only one that seems to make sence to me…
Pole for puting a post instead of a comment
need i say more.well put,congrats!!
I love my tea! Kwanza being from …where I’m from, that part of the country where visitors are served with steaming tea even if it’s 35 degrees outside.
“An occupant of a distant office, upon being told of a particularly humorous tale that reduced the teller to tears, was heard to respond with an abrupt “LOL”.
Hilarious!
M, thanks for highlighting this issue about the hackers. Yes there are some seriously demented people out there, and KBW is not immune. After all, every market place has it’s resident madman.
DK, only a fool would “whore around” their password, and I’m not that fool. As I said in my post, only two parties had my password, one of whom was supposed to be trusted and above suspicion. Did you read that?
So why are you suddenly on the defensive DK? Are you a suspect perhaps? Do you have links to a suspect perhaps?
Cheap shot DK **unimaginative new alias we still know you by your old one :-)**, are you taking responsibility for the attack? Do you know who did, or are you privy to some information that my man Archer should be in possession of? If you are not providing a solution you are a major part of the problem. Archer was a good sport and let the incident slide without drama but you seem to be on a mission to work him over, seen any other blogger stoop as low as you are? Post after post of pure vitriol, sister, call out, iko shida?
We can help as soon as you stop kicking the hell out of whoever comes within your vicinity. It does not help your case that you exhibit seriously suspect post and blog etiquette. I have seen four active blogs on KBW that you run, one as a dude, and i am sure there are more out there that you run, your choice and none of my business. Kindly cease this tirade and if you are not associated with the mischief on Archer’s Blog, and will not help publicly identify the culprit, find another way to get attention.
A journey of self destruction, hell, we shall sit on the sidelines and watch you crash and burn! Its cold today we could use the heat!
Sorry M for bringing this here, but this had to be said….
[...] I was having a lovely evening while reading my favourite blogs but a comment by DK **not linking to yours** on M’s Blog caught my eye, no one sticks it to my friends like that. It was a totally cheap shot and i had to drop some knowledge. [...]
Back to the subject at hand **literally – cup of tea in hand – see?** :-). How do those dudes drink from those enamel mugs so quickly? They get so hot they burn your lips as you attempt to sip the sweet brew, then you look right and left and back on the table are steaming red hot mugs waiting for seconds while the fellows who dispatched them are bouting for the big bellied shiny Kaluworks kettle!
Then there are those shameless tea lovers who while busy downing a cup are busy daraing the kettle muttering something to the effect of nice kettle, where did you buy it while shaking it discreetly to find out how much tea remains therein…now you see what you have done? We are still on tea! Wacha i sip this chai here siiip…. :-D
@M – My bad, my bad. You are a class act.
@DK – Funny how you deleted your old blog. A new blog won’t hide who you are.
Ah, that talk of kettles reminds me of a conversation I had sometime back about high school shenanigans where tea was involved. You find the expert tea drinkers (we called them drainers with internal cooling systems) gulping tea straight from the kettle’s spout. Tea that was supposed to be for a table of 20. I guess that’s where my disinterest in tea arose from.
Coffee…tea.. bottom line caffeine is the key ingredient in both beverages…no point in choosing the lesser of the two teeth staining evils.
As M said..I drink both …shamelessly , black as can be…..milk has no business in this two bevs.
As for the whole Archer saga, as I said in Mzees blog, someone needs to be bitch slapped ..me thinks some hand meets face therapy is in order and I’m willing to assist !
UnGEM, drainers with internal cooling systems – hilarious!
M, heheheh! Clearly you know your stuff! i usually thought that was genuine interest in my beba na mia chai equipment!
Mama watoto, caffeine concentration is very very important, the higher it is the quicker the alleviation of withdrawal symptoms…they ceased long ago to bring a high on and now we just drink up to stave the symptoms as described by the eminent M!
Congratulations for your blog. It’s a great one. Cheers.
Methu, you don’t know the half of it!
Now I know why people do not respond to my cheerful “good mornings” every day. I though it had something to do with the absence of warmth from the sun.
Tea and myself are not the best of friends.
Once upon a time, a female blogger, we will call her D confided in another blogger, we will call him M (hehehe, yaani that one just wrote itself) and mentioned the words; ‘I think’, and ‘hacked’ and ‘help’ (not in that order. Fast forward to the present day and well..lol.
That tea manenos, there was a show where a dude called Beadle would pull pranks on the unsuspecting public. So this one time, they decided to tell an old lady how aliens had landed in her backyard. So complete with a fake alien with a fivehead the prank commenced. She starts asking it questions like ‘where did you come from’..’what do you want’, then being an english lady she suddenly remembered she had committed the ultimate social faux pas and said ‘would you like a cup of tea?’
To an alien.
a cup of tea.
Need I say more?
Ni mimi wako,
mtoto wa nyoka
(hehehe, funny story behind this name M, one day ill tell you all about it.)
I had to comment on this coz it seemed i missed out on something initially. Hacking someone’s blog is WRONG!! and i admit there is a difference btn a brute-force password attack and having somebody’s (apparently as a trusted confidant) password and using it to settle trivial scores.
On another perturbing matter… who the hell is DK? Eminem as a role model? I paid a visit to one of her blogs (am made to understand they are numerous).my advice to DK – pls see a shrink before its too late or is it?
Do i know the fellow who did the tea in butter part?
[...] But when the same individuals go out and do a post like this one, (read the comments too) followed by such comments on M’s blog, seriously, WTF is wrong with you? What are you trying to achieve? [...]