I have nothing against my fellow man. After all, I am a solid and lifelong member of the fellowship. However when it comes to the ritual of using the facilities I hold my fellows in a fine disdain.

All O y’all are crazy my sons.

I am extremely reluctant to set foot in certain rooms that are, as far as I can tell, prerequisites for the establishment attending to the throat lubrication and overall leisure of its patrons. These rooms generally have doors with the following signs

Or, more adventurously

 

 

For obvious reasons, the chief one being the memory of Pandora’s box, I  have yet to set foot in the room marked thus.

I have no idea what lies inside. Rumour has it there is a lush green meadow, a bubbling brook, young scampering ponies, pastry and piped music. I have no idea. And thanks to the memory of Pandora, I have no intention of finding out.

The room marked thus

Is altogether much simpler. The room contains nothing but the following

1. Urinals
2. Stalls
3. Sink

You would think this Spartan equipment would not be problematic to use. There you would be wrong.

Preliminaries

By and large, 99.99% of men completely ignore the sink. They do not wash their hands either before or after downloading their copy, either soft or hard. Yes, 99.99%. Don’t act all outraged. There are very few men who take hygiene seriously, and I know them both. I can just imagine some doofus wondering “wash my hands before”.

Yes, BEFORE. My son, your hands have been in very many places. You have shaken hands with fellows with the hygiene levels of Gadarene swine. You have eaten spicy chicken wings. You have had chili chevra. You have blown your nose with your hand (obviously because, only 3 of us men in Nairobi actually carry clean handkerchiefs). Your hands have been in all sorts of nasty, skanky places. The last thing you need is to expose your delicate bits to this symphony of filth, germs, and bacteria. Which is why you should wash your bloody hands before you proceed to the arena.

Combat Theatres

After ignoring the sink, most chaps, even while still walking already know their preferred combat theatres. Some fellows are partial to the stall while others are partial to the urinals. The choice is generally determined by self esteem issues. Those who feel … er … inadequate compared to their fellows will go out of their way to get into a stall. These are the chaps you spot fidgeting from one foot to the other, a look of agony on their countenance waiting for the stalls to be free even with an empty urinals available.

Preamble

Most chaps know in advance what sort of combat theatre is preferred. But even as they walk they behave in the same way. Even before they get to the actual battle field they are already opening their turrets, loading, and preparing to fire even before the actual target is in sigh. Needless to say, this has led to numerous embarrassing situations and quite a number of international misunderstandings.

Trajectory

Even with several dozen years of experience, many chaps have yet to master the art of the trajectory, in terms of direction and range. A fellow will stand right at the door and commence fire. It does not occur to him that different fellows designed the facilities at Mwenda’s and another set designed the facilities at his office. This generally means that the displacement between the door and the target, vector XY will differ.

X1Y1 is the distance between the stall door and the facilities in the office

X2Y2 is the distance between the stall door and the facilities of the club

So, used to the smaller distance of the office, the doofus will stand at spot x2 and target his first salvo at the usual trajectory. Needless to say, HMS WC will be unscathed by the first salvo that will uselessly spend itself on the stall floor.

At times the opposite is the case … the club’s stalls are very small and used to the airy roominess of the office, the chap will fire a mighty salvo that will sail clear over the WC and bury itself in the wall.

After several hours of such fellows the floor of the stall will begin to look like so

Nasty, sticky, skanky mess smelling powerfully of ammonia. Come on guys!!!

The urinal does not fare much better. Most fellows fail to account for the principle of the ricochet, which fits in neatly with Newton’s Third law. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Let us take as a simple illustration a small boy throwing a ball at a wall

Replacing the ball with produce of East African Breweries Limited, it is not long before the urinal looks like so:

Bloody hell fellas!!!

Looking at the copious large yellow stains on the floors of loos across Kenya, it occurs to me that besides poor trajectory, miscalculation of force perhaps another problem might be technique. Are there fellows who use the same thumb technique applied to the garden hose in the confines of the facilities? I am inclined to think so my friends, very sadly so.

Victory

And even after this the garden gnome will zip up his artillery, ignore the sink and within no time will be at your table, clapping your back heartily with one hand and reaching his fat grubby fingers for the roast meat with the other …

Bloody hell.

Tattoos

Is there a parlour in Kenya capable of doing this? I’d be there in a heartbeat!

 Smooth – Mind Blowing