tHiNkEr’S rOoM

Tears have been rolling down my cheeks for the last half an hour after reading that one William Henry Gates III, better known as Bill Gates, had a bit of a problem getting into Nigeria.

Apparently the Nigerians objected to his presence, on the grounds that he might stay there indefinitely and strain their infrastructure and resources.

I can just picture the altercation …

CAST

Oyo, a senior immigration official
Ono, a junior immigration official
Bill Gates, a billionare and software mogul

LOCATION

An immigration office

Bill: Good morning gentlemen, I trust you are well?
Ono: YEEAH!
Oyo: Yes, tenk you. Wetin day my broda from anoda moda? Wot can we-o be doing for you-o this afternoon-o my broda-o?
Bill: Is this the desk for visa applications?
Ono: YEEAH!
Oyo: Will you stop-o that nonesense-o?
Ono: WHAT?
Oyo: Will you STOP that nonesense-o?
Ono: WHAT?
Oyo (Shouting): STOP BEIN’ A FOOL-O OR I WILL SLAP YOUR LEFT CHEEK-O THROUGH YOUR RIGHT-O! Do you get me?
Ono: YEEEAH!
Oyo (To Bill Gates): Dis a my sissa’s boy-o. He lissen to a too much-o American rap music-o. Yesterday he a be a tellin’ me-o that Little John he a be havin dem dreadlocks! DREADLOCKS! Everybody-o know that every one-o of Robin Hood’s men-o dey not have de dreadlocks!
Ono: WHAT?
Bill Gates (Nervously): Er … of course.
Ono: WHAT?
Oyo: Will you shut dat mouth-o!
Ono: YEEAH!
Oyo: Please sir, wot-a bein your name-o?
Bill Gates: Bill Gates, sir.
Oyo: Oga! Oga! Oga! Are you de Bill dat is marryin’ ma sista Ciara?
Ono! WHAT?
Bill Gates: Er … no
Oyo: Are you de Bill dat is marryin’ ma sista Rihanna?
Ono: WHAT?
Bill: Er … no
Oyo: Are you de Bill dat is marryin’ ma sista Aaliyah?
Ono! WHAT?
Bill: Er … no
Oyo: Are you de Bill dat is marryin’ ma sista Brandy?
Ono! WHAT?
Bill: Er … no
Oyo: Are you de Bill dat is marryin’ ma sista Beyonce?
Ono! WHAT?
Bill: Er … no
Oyo: Are you de Bill dat is marryin’ ma sista Pussycat Doll?
Ono: WHAT?
Bill: Er … no
Ono: WHAT?
Bill: Er … no
Ono: WHAT?
Oyo: SHUT UP! Oga! Den which o my sistas are u marryin man-o? Whitney? Princess? Queen? Weetabix? Margaret Thatcher?
Bill: Er … actualy i’m already married. My wife’s name is Melinda French–
Ono: YEEEAH!:
Oyo: Oho!!! (Clapping bill heartily on the back) Why you do na say so you man-o? You are marryin Melinda French-o? HA HA! Excellent, excellent! Althou jus between us I would ‘ave been bettin’ it was my smaller sista Margaret Thatcher or my smallest sister Cherie Blair. But now you is family-o!
Bill: Er … perhaps you should End Task that particular process … I know my wife’s family and i don’t think you are in any way…
Oyo: HA HA!! HA HA HAA!!! Now you truly my broda-o you man-o!
Ono: YEEEAH!
Bill: Well, guys, if we could just move this along
Oyo (Openng Bill’s passport): Of course my broda … Oga … Who is William Henry Gates eye eye eye?
Bill: Er… That’s William Henry Gates The Third
Oyo: Oga! But you-a tell me your name-o is Bill Gates?
Bill: Yes, but …
Ono: WHAT?! It would seem that we are at an imbroglio at this juncture … there appears, at cursory glance, to be a discrepancy between who your documentation claims you are and who, in fact, you purport to be. Ceteris paribus, we have a dilemma
Oyo? WHAT?!
Bill: Really guys, that’s my real name but people know me better as Bill Gates. Just Google — I mean — Windows Live Search me!
Oyo: We a be doin dat a little later-o. Can you tell os your financial position-o? How much money do you ‘ave? And how will you be supportin’ yourself?
Bill: Well, at last count I had about 56 billion US dollars
Ono: YEEEAH! WHAT?
Oyo: Oga! HA HA HA!!! No doubt from Sani Abacha, eh? (Winking) Or from Charles Taylor?
Bill (Perplexed): Er … no, all mine actually.
Oyo: My broda-o you are a wastin’ our time-o. Come back when you’re serious-o!

PIC OF THE DAY

 Kanye West - I Wonder

Any attempt to analyze politics in Kenya (including this one) are doomed from the get go. This is largely because POLIITCS IN KENYA DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE. Time and time again I have been asked why I no longer satirize politics and politicians. True, my attentions have been diverted elsewhere, but another factor is that politics in Kenya is hilarious as it is without anything being done. Just reading the headlines is enough to break you down with tears of laughter. I mean, where else can you have the President attending the National Delegates Conference of the Official Opposition, sing their anthems and flash their salute?

Priceless.

Government & Parliament

Under normal circumstances, parliament is constituted as follows:

In Kenya however, it is more like this:

In most countries, nominations and elections are like this:

In Kenya, however, they are like this

It get even more interesting. During elections the incumbent expects to be challenged by the leader of the Official Opposition and h(is/er)Government In Waiting like so:

But in Kenya we have a situation where the official opposition will support the incumbent in the next elections

The mind boggles

Political Parties

Political Parties in Kenya are largely meaningless entities. Very few political parties if any actually have a coherent vision and manifesto. Only a handful can actually describe what they are all about. At last count there are 144 currently registered political parties. 144. A good chunk of these are briefcase parties, hoping to cash in at some point in time when the correct political wind blows. Let us take a closer look at these, shall we?

Four Horses

The four horses are the political parties that dominate the political landscape, by virtue of having relatively country wide support. These include

• Mwai Kibaki’s PNU et al
• Raila Odinga’s ODM
• Uhuru Kenyatta’s KANU
• Kalonzo Musyoka’s ODM - K

These are characterized by formidable machinery, grassroots support in most provinces and relatively organized leadership. Many of us have heard of the KANU Manifesto, though I personally have yet to see it. Has it been updated? I have personally never heard any of these other parties share with the electorate their manifesto. And no, promises thundered over microphones do not a manifesto make!

Barnyard Fowl

Barnyard Fowl are political parties which, like some people, have an exaggerated (and misguided) belief that their very names (and themselves) should inspire awe and admiration from the public at large, blissfully unaware that not only does the public not give a flying rat’s ass, they do not really affect the price of tomatoes.

These are the political parties with exaggerated opinions of their popularity, blissfully aware that their sole uniting purpose is tribe. These include outfits like

• Musikari Kombo’s Ford Kenya
• Simeon Nyachae’s Ford People
• Chirau Mwakwere’s Shirikisho
• Joseph Munyao’s DP

These parties are generally of nuisance value characterized by having impressive numbers of their members and officials either hailing from the same area or speaking a similar language. Take for example Ford Kenya. Hitherto one of the most popular parties in the country it is now a pale shadow of its former self. Those brave enough to attempt to listen to Musikari Kombo’s monotonous monotone (at least until he puts them to sleep) will doubtlessly have heard him try and explain the disturbingly large number of officials and MPs from Western Kenya, taking pains to illustrate that the Party Secretary General, John Munyes is not from Western. Well, John Munyes has parallels with Token Black in Southpark.

The other parties are no better. Ford People’s MPs are almost entirely from the Kisii Community. Are are almost all Shirikisho MPs from Coast Province. The same with DP and its affinity for members from the Central Province and its environs.

These so called leaders are the ones generally frothing at the mouth on TV at pains to elaborate on “consolidating the xxx vote”, where xxx is their tribe of choice.

Duck Billed Platypae

These, like their namesakes are the oddities of the political landscape. These include parties like

• Raphael Tuju’s NARC Kenya

They are characterized by the following

• Babel like confusion about themselves, their identity, their goals, their activities
• Extremely top heavy leadership, where almost every other member is  vice chairman
• Impressive lack of shame. Only the very brave will stand behind a statement like “Our support for Mwai Kibaki is unconditional. Even if he runs on an ODM ticket”. This essentially means they know where their bread is buttered, and little things like ideals mean little. Parallels can be drawn between the morality of such an attitude and alley cats.

Class Insecta / Filler

These are political parties whose chief function is to serve as filler for TV news and newspaper, to cover that white spot in column 4 page 27 or to make the 14 minute political news 15 minutes. Their contribution to anything is negligible at best.

DISCLAIMER

Which political party do you support? That’s the greatest party EVER!!!

PIC OF THE DAY

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