tHiNkEr’S rOoM

Unless you live under a disproportionately large rock, you cannot have escaped the recent political party nominations that transpired during the tail end of last week and the fallout that is taking place even as I write this.

On paper at any rate it was a simple affair. Party members would get together and out of a list of aspirants interested in contesting a seat on the party’s ticket, they would elect one who would go on to compete from the seat.

But the reality on the ground was another kettle of fish altogether indeed.

For once, out of the choice of laughing or crying, I am very sure of which one I should be doing. Crying.

The whole exercise exposed a number of things

Political Parties: Meaningless Entities

A political party is an absolutely meaningless entity in this country. I laughed myself into a foetal position watching a fellow who had switched parties during the course of Friday night at a press conference with officials of his new party (ODM-K). When given the microphone to express himself, the fellow could not even pronounce the name of the party leader and presidential candidate correctly. The fellow has no idea of the party ideals, visions and manifesto. But then again, neither does the party.

Politicians Never Lose: They Are Rigged Out

It was as if they were reading from the same (poorly written) script. Not one of the vanquished was actually vanquished. As one man they made reference to sham elections and rigging, even in cases where the defeat was by a margin of a couple of dozen thousand votes. Other fellows loudly proclaimed that they had not actually participated in the electoral process, despite there existing footage of them at polling stations voting and awaiting the results before roundly dismissing them as a sham.

Political Parties: Preach Water and Drink Johnny Walker

Any political party worth its salt cannot talk about democracy and then in the next breath introduce undemocratic practices like direct nomination. That is a slap in the face of democracy and the intelligence of the electorate. What criteria are used for the direct nominations, especially when there are aspirants on all the parliamentary seats? I would understand if a concession was made for the presidential candidate and perhaps the running mate.

Arguments are made that some of the members given direct nominations are of strategic importance to the party. This raises a couple of points:

1. If their importance is to the party, why then is the electorate being saddled with someone whose duties are to serve the party
2. Why are these individuals trying to be MPs at all? Let them serve the party fully in some other capacity as full time employees

Dishonesty & Corruption: Abounds In Political Parties

Only two answers can satisfactorily explain how Bill, who defeated Bob by 20,000 votes can find that Bob’s name is the one on the final list. Dishonesty and corruption. How can such people be trusted to manage our affairs?

Violence: A Tool Very Much In Use Today

Footage from ODM House was sobering indeed. Stones were thrown, windows were broken, heads were bloodied, limbs were injured. An aspirant from Dagoretti is nursing his wounds after disaffected party elements caught up with him.

Fees: Whither The Monies

Political parties made a brisk business collecting funds from parliamentary and civic candidates. Some parties charged 100,000/- for parliamentary candidates. Now, let us assume that each of the 210 constituencies drew at least 3 interested individuals. The total monies raised from the candidates is thus approximately 63,000,000. Yes, 63 million shillings. Remember we are yet to include the fees from those aspiring to be councilors. Now, given the fiasco, how much of this money was actually channeled to the nomination process itself?

Food For Thought

If political parties and politicians cannot be honest, transparent and sincere in a simple matter like party nominations, how then can they suddenly change such that in January 1 they will be honest, upright leaders of integrity that respect due process and the rule of law?

In my opinion the events Kenyans witnessed over the last week ought to be enough to convince them that we need an entirely new breed of leadership. Leopards do not change their sports, and even if they do — not in 30 days! You cannot be Jekyll today and Hyde tomorrow.

All 3 of the big political parties have given us a cursory preview of their inner workings. And it stinks. The stink is enough to turn the air around us blue for miles. All I can see is half baked leadership masquerading as real change, continued development and a new paradigm shift.

Soldiers have no say over who gets to be their General. Therefore a mediocre general does not say much about the solider’s. Elected leaders is another cup of tea. Mediocre leaders speaks volumes about the electorate.

Much as I take immense satisfaction in some of the big names being trounced at the nominations, I am wary of the fact that Kenyans are notoriously short of memory and might just gift these rejects 5 additional years of room, board, travel and leisure at our collective expense. Literally.

Don’t vote for parties. Don’t vote for individuals. Don’t know them? Make use of Mzalendo. For those incumbents attempting their luck again, check out their track record and what their constituents think of them. Anyone that has been a lethargic doofus for 5 years is unlikely to change within the month.

For the new comers check out their dreams, aspirations, ideas and what their constituents think of them.

Vote for achievements. Vote for ideas. Vote for potential.

Don’t vote for fairy tales. There’s a world of a difference between potential and fairy tales!

AOB

My sympathies go out to our friends in Kampala. The delegations arriving for the Cerebral Hemorrhoids Order General Meeting, of whatever CHOGM stands for. If its’s anything like the summit for Mayors held in Nairobi (or what was it of again?) Princes Camilla and Charles, and indeed everyone else will be treated to spotless streets (that are actually washed, leave alone swept daily), absence of parking boys, men and women (driven away with the threat of violence), 24 hour electricity (a pleasant surprise to most) and no traffic (ramshackles like Roberta need not apply). Needless to say that state of order and cleanliness lasted about as long as a Brazilian in a British tube station. As soon as the last taxi set off for the airport the City Council came to its senses and questioned the rationale of cleaning streets for black assed residents …

PIC OF THE DAY

Yum yum!

DMX - Catz Don’t Know

That time of the 5 years is with us again. Politics and politicians are going into sheer overdrive.

And as am generally wont to, I observe these developments with a combination of amusement and amazement, as well as the inevitable bewilderment.

Technology

In this election heavy use is being made of technology. In this regard Mzalendo is picking up steam and then some. If you want to know how people think, just read some of the comments made in the profiles of ex-MPs and aspirants. Many of them beggar belief. We have not hesitated in deleting the more outrageous ones from people who are still yet to understand that freedom of speech does not mean saying what you like.

Email is another heavy campaign tool. My inbox used to be flooded with the following

• Definitions of PNU / ODM
• Why Raila / Kibaki / Kalonzo is the salt of the earth and the best thing EVER for this country
• Why Raila / Kibaki / Kalonzo is the devil incarnate and is out to plunder the nation and eat my young
• Assortments of manifestos, memoranda of understanding, secret minutes and speeches of varying degrees of improbability

These have been sent by well meaning friends, acquaintances, readers and random people under the mistaken impression that I give a flying rat’s ass.

I don’t.

In fact I delete them on sight.

In fact that’s not even entirely true. I have created some inbox rules to delete all that nonsense mentioning those fellows even before I see it.

People, our bandwidth is limited. Don’t forward nonsense like Raila Odinga has promised to shut down sausage factories in coast!

Promises

Its very easy to tell when politicians are lying in Kenya. Basically, their lips move. There’s something about a microphone that mysteriously converts politician’s grey and white matter into doesn’t matter.

Let us take a look at a few of these

Double The Size Of The Economy

While sweaty faced politicians, bellies quivering from the exertion of mounting the dais are bellowing this little gem and hired support is whistling and ululating, the more pragmatic amongst us are actually trying to break it down.

Let us assume the Kenyan economy at present can be valued at 100 shillings. If a bellowing fellow tells me that he wants to double it, I assume he means he intends it to get to 200 shillings.

Now, let us assume the 6% growth we are always being told about is a fact. Assuming we keep the same going, in 5 years the economy will look like this:

Year	Economy
2007	100.00
2008	106.00
2009	112.36
2010	119.10
2011	126.25
2012	133.82

 

 

For us to get to 200, as our friends unblushingly tell us, there are two ways:

1) Steady actual growth

In this scenario our economy will grow by 20 shillings a year. So it will look like so in 2012

Year	Economy	% Growth
2007	100.00	-
2008	106.00	20.00%
2009	112.36	16.67%
2010	119.10	14.29%
2011	126.25	12.50%
2012	133.82	11.11%

 

 

Note that in this model the growth is initially steep but it tapers down.

2) Steady percentage grown

In this scenario the economy will grow by a steady percentage of 15%. In 2012 it will look like this

Year	Economy	% Growth
2007	100.00	-
2008	115.00	15%
2009	132.25	15%
2010	152.09	15%
2011	174.90	15%
2012	201.14	15%

 

 

3) Staggered growth

Some years will have more growth than others

I am keen for someone to explain to me how the economy will magically grow from between 15% and 20% once they take power.

Free Health / Education

Another favourite hobby horse is the free stuff campaign. We have been promised free primary and free secondary education. Some candidates have been very clever to shadow box by saying the free applies to the tuition part. No mention is made of other cash cows like school uniform, activity fees, homo sapiens fees, opposable thumb fees, sitting down allowance and all the other gotchas that fleece the parents.

Assuming they somehow mean what they say (I know that’s a stretch, bear with me), what no one is saying is how they plan to pay for all these things. Remember, nothing is free. Someone always foots the bill.

Think of it this way. The pie chart plots government income against revenue

What these beefy gentlemen seem to overlook is that all this free stuff increases the size of the red section. Once it becomes larger than the blue section, that means the costs are more than the income!

The only way you can increase the red is to increase the blue first. And that is where I find every one of the candidates wanting. Telling me you will increase the economy (the pie) by 200% without giving specifics is talking through your… not good enough.

Working Nation

The same fellows that are promising a working nation and culture of industry are the same fellows who have displayed a chronic aversion to work. Few things are as lethargic as the Kenyan MP. The deliverables those gentlemen and women have after 5 years of duty are few and far between. How many bills have been passed?

Corruption

I am least impressed with the issue of how the prospective heads of state plan to handle corruption. The incumbent pointedly makes no mention of the same in his manifesto. And the leading rival is talking about amnesty if the money is returned. Well my hearties, that’s just not good enough!

Energy

The renewed bursts of energy from our otherwise lethargic parliament is nothing short of amusing. All over the country reports are trickling on of “Honourable” (I use the word very loosely) members showing up at their constituency five calendar years since they last set foot on those soils, with brimming energy and determination to make a difference next time.

Waistcoats and trousers seats bulging in heroic attempts to hold in their copious contents, these fellows clumsily mount podiums and appeal passionately to be given a chance to serve the people. Questions as to exactly how the people were served in the past 5 years are conveniently overlooked.

AOB

Few and far between are the blogs that make me actually burst into laughter. Blacknutz my son you rule … you owe me a keyboard

 

PIC OF THE DAY

 

 

That’s right. Fire away

  Timbaland - The Way I Are

A certain gentleman in Scotland has brought a totally new understanding to the relationship between man and machine.

Hostel workers were stunned to have their knowledge of coitus interruptus forcefully made that much starker when they discovered a guest in the throes of activities commonly reserved for committed men and women with a bicycle.

Yes, a bicycle.

After wiping away my tears of laughter, I’ve been trying to bend my mound round this for the last half an hour without success.

I mean, I find it difficult to understand that the same … er … Unchristian thoughts I get when I come across a vision like this one:

Are the same thoughts that Mr Robert Stewart gets when he comes across a vision like this one:

Dude!

It also beggars answers to the following questions:

1. Do you get the bike dinner first?
2. To whose place do you go?
3. Mechanics mechanics mechanics.

Dude!

Although there’s a gentleman, Mr Karl Watkins, who back in 1993 was arrested for a similar act involving a pavement.

In his case it can be said that the pavement did (and still does) get around …

 Kanye West & Dwele - Flashing Lights