tHiNkEr’S rOoM

Vice President Kalonzo Musyoka thoughtfully and happily checks out Secretary Of State Condoleezza Rice’s “Official Position”

Some time ago I penned a passionate appeal to my fellow brothers about the usage of the throne room. And you, of course, disregarded every word I said!

On retrospect perhaps I wouldn’t mind having daughters instead of sons. The associated hardware and utilities required in raising a girl (shotgun, pistol & associated firearms, machetes and whips for errant boys) are a small price to pay for having lovely, gentle and well mannered girls in the house instead of shouting, rowdy and disgusting small boys whooping and leaving muddy prints everywhere.

Take for example last week. I was at some large corporation whose identity I shall keep secret to protect the guilty. Shortly before lunch (the meeting was strategically set up in the window between 11 and 2, leaving the host no option but to feed me and my lads) I walked into the washroom to wash my hands. Yes, gentlemen. Shocking as it may seem some people still wash their hands before meals! It was not some sinister agenda imposed on your mothers from communist Russia!

If Jack Bauer ruthlessly shot his best friend in the head, his wife in the heart decapitated a hapless prisoner while shouting into his mouthpiece “Chloe, pull up the schematics of the lavatory” this is what he would come up with.

The battle theaters are as follows:

A (Medic) Where preparations are (generally) made before and after combat. Those of us who visit the Medic was our hands. Sadly, we are a minority
B (Fantasia) Where limited operations, generally of chemical nature are effected
C (Kosovo) Where dive and cluster bombing, as well as light machine gun fire cum gas warfare is practiced

Now, there I was, hands gleaming from liquid soap and starting to walk towards the door, whistling the happy whistle of a man about to sit down to a free and wholesome meal when the door burst open and a man swaggered into the facility.

That I did not mind. That sort of thing happens, given statistics, probability and other whatnots.

What I did mind, and mind to the extreme, was that the man had opened his firing turret and his howitzer was aimed, locked and loaded at the recommended 45 degree angle.

So let us recap.

Starting to move due South was M, hands washed, anticipating a lunch.

Advancing North without cover is Megatron, cannon exposed pointing, inevitably, due North.

Now I don’t know about you but I acutely, emphatically and totally object to having another man’s equipment in my face pointing at me as a rule. It’s just not my cup of tea.

Meditating pleasantly about a lunch of roast potatoes, pan fried steak, lettuce and tomato, the mind was lurched into unplanned for activity and the following tumbled out

1. What the hell?
2. WHAT.THE.HELL.
3. What if in addition to priming his weaponry early the feller had an itry trigger finger and fired … er … prematurely?
4. If a random stranger walked in, or worse still a client, how on earth would I begin to explain things?

Megatron suddenly noticed  that he was not alone and there was “gentleman, dead ahead”.

What followed was a social impasse that has played out ever since Adam and Eve discovered they were naked.

M went to his left and Megatron went to his right, effectively blocking him.

M then went to his right and Megatron to his left, again blocking him.

Megatron was a believer in pragmatism and saw no need to holster his weapon if he was going to unholster it not 15 seconds in the near future. So as we danced the dance (a dance without even a damn dinner!) a chemical weapon was pointing at me.

Finally I saw that we were getting nowhere so I effected a tactical retreat due North towards the far wall.

Megatron took this to be a surrender and consolidated his position by advancing North as well.

Hands spread in surrender I backed further and further, dying a thousand deaths at the thought of someone wandering into the scenario that from a cursory glance was getting dangerously close to a BBMM (Brokeback Mountain Moment). Some things really cannot be easily explained. It won’t do for a man that has spent his career elaborating at great detail the dimensions of Miss Halle Berry to be caught in such a situation. Within moments the creative grapevine would be buzzing and I would be fielding questions as to which of us said “I wish I could quit you” .

My breath caught in my throat as I felt the wall behind and I rapidly consulted the field manual on what to do in such situations. The manual drew a blank.

Megatron mercifully pulled a sharp right turn at the corner and rumbled into Fantasia for some light skirmishes.

I departed with a sonic boom.

As we sat down to lunch my host looked with concern at my violent and passionate objection to an aperitif of sausages …

Guys, is it too much to keep your weapons holstered until you’re actually at the firing range?!!

CAST

Bwana Msa (Investigator)
Gitobu Immanyara (Victim)
Police Artist
Commissioner Ali (Police Chief)
Eric Kiraithe (Police Spokesman)

Bwana Msa, in a simple shirt and a leso wrapped around his midriff, lies recumbent upon a deck chair. The deck chair itself lies recumbent on the front steps of the CID Head Quarters. His unlit pipe dangles idly from his lips. The skull cap on his head bears the legend Gold Band (product placement is increasinlgy slithering into all forms of entertainment).

Around him is an array of police officials. There is buzz from the stunning revelations that the jowl of Gitobu Immanyara has allegedly had far from gentle contact with the open palm of the alleged first lady.

SCENE ONE

Ali: Now, Bwana Msa, even 6 months after taking you on as a consultant I find your insistence on working outside on that deck chair dressed in a t-shirt and a sheet disconcerting.
Bwana Msa: (Puff … puff … puff)
Ali: And will you stop with the huffing and puffing. The damn pipe is not even lit!
Bwana Msa: Steady on! This is my preferred working environment. What seems to the problem?
Ali: THIS
Bwana Msa: Left Click
Ali: What?
Bwana Msa: Oh! Did I say that out loud? Sorry.
{Brief Pause}
Bwana Msa: LOL
Ali: What?
Bwana Msa: I mean ha ha ha! What a quagmire! What was the response from the first lady?
Ali: THIS
Bwana Msa: Right Click, Open In New Window
Ali: What?!
Bwana Msa: Oh! Did I say that loud again? My bad.
{Brief Pause}
Bwana Msa: LOL! I mean ha ha ha!!! Nothing like a nice read to get the old corpuscles going. So anyway, what do you want from me?
Ali: I want you to get to investigate and find out that Immanyara is talking banana oil. I mean investigate and find out the truth
Kiraithe: It could have been a Rambo movie
Ali: (Irritably) Will you SHUT UP with your damn Rambo movies! Why can’t you watch Wild Rose like the rest of us?
Bwana Msa: The truth? That will be tricky. For one thing I’m quite impressed — or is it skeptical — that vocabulary like ‘besmirch’, ’stature’ and ‘three’ can originate from said quarters. I also find it difficult to envisage the government with a mien of astonishment. But very well. I shall investigate

SCENE TWO

Parliament Offices

Gitobu: Groan!
Bwana Msa: There there my good man! (Puff puff)
Gitobu: I say, is it wise to be smoking in my oxygen tent?
Bwana Msa: (Gesturing to the pipe) This? Oh don’t worry about this. It’s not lit. Just between us I use it to get chicks! LOL! I mean Ha ha!!
Gitobu: (Nursing cheek) It hurts to laugh.
Bwana Msa: My good man! Do tell what happened
Gitobu: Well, I and several other MPs were invited for a snack and then a meeting with His Excellency the President. Well, I go there on time like the rest of us and proceeded to the garden where we had our snack. I must confess i’m not used to Cerelac, miky porridge, sweet potatoes, corn flakes and a lollipop at that hour of the afternoon. But after seeing His Excellency tuck in with gusto I figured when in Othaya do as the Othayans do. After a nice tea from sippy cups (which made it difficult to dip our biscuits), we proceeded for the meeting.
Bwana Msa: Indeed. What did the President say first
Gitobu: (Hesitantly) I’m not exactly sure what he said because after three or so minutes I became dizzy trying to keep up
Bwana Msa: Why? What did he say?
Gitobu: Well, he opened proceedings with the National Anthem, then followed with his rendition of Soulja Boy. Finally he got to the speech. I took the liberty of recording the speech on my phone

Ladies and gentlemen, as well as gentlemen and ladies, including the lady there and that other one there and this gentleman here and that gentleman there and all other ladies and gentlemen in general, and each of you in particular, as ladies and gentlemen, allow me to welcome you to this cong — congre — congeg — congrega — meeting.

You will notice that you are here. Because previously you were there, where I am pointing now. And in the time between you were there and are now here, you must have moved here from there, which is why you are not there, but here. So here you are and also, from some quarters, there you are too. So here and there you are, and there and here you are.

I am grateful that those of you who are Church going Muslims  as well as those Mosque going Christians Welcome here from there, and from there, and from wherever else that you have been there.

Bwana Msa: (Admiringly) Blimey! If I didn’t already know English I’d think it was the theory of relativity. Can we proceed to State House to finish the inverview? Commissioner Ali if you would be so kind …

SCENE THREE

The three are at the State House

Bwana Msa: (Looking around) Hmm … I see some watery footprints here, made by bare feet. Clearly the perpetrator has a gland problem. I also see a partially chewed cigar, conveniently discarded, soaked in ptyalin and what not. Clearly some mouth containment issues. So, tell me, what happened next.
Gitobu: So I was sitting here and then strange noises came from the door. At first i thought a sheep, a goat, a cow, 3 chicken and a stick of dynamite had been put in a cage of hungry lions. Then the Comptroller rushed in witha  ghastly smile and asked me to leave hurriedly. That i did not mind. I am a brave man but those noises! So at the door I ran into this … apparition
Bwana Msa: Well, I have come with a police artist so if you would be so kind…
Artist: Please tell me as much as you can remember and i will try to draw
Bwana Msa: Let me look around in the meantime
Gitobu: (In the background) Taller … yes, i think a bit of claw … horns? I dunno … Actually, maybe … Just sprinkle a few and i can see if anything gels … No, i would not rule out wings … skin colour? Grey … Muscle? Quite a bit of that I assure you … when I got home my right molars had become my left molars and vice versa … A tail is something I can vaguely recall … Yes, add a pitchfork … A bit of smoke from the nose …. THERE WE GO!
Bwana Msa: (Hurrying over) Success?
Artist: (In bewilderment) Er… see for yourself

Bwana Msa: (Recoiling backwards) Jesus Wept!
Gitobu: As you can imagine my fear for my life was considerable. Lying lower than Form 16A I departed quicker than Kivuitu can declare you president.
Bwana Msa: I have the sudden urge to retire.

One thing that has become abundantly clear is that the caliber of leadership we have in Kenya is wanting to the extreme. Looking at the ilk of Mwai Kibaki and Raila Odinga, and indeed almost all the leaders in this country, one is unsure if they could lead people who fell out of a boat into the water.

I mean, some things don’t need you to be a rocket scientist to figure out. If you are insisting that you are the duly elected president, and giving speeches to that effect, then it beggars belief that you would leave your burning country to attend some nebulous summit (as most AU summits are wont to be). It makes even less sense to commit to dialogue here and while in Addis undermine the same dialogue by throwing sand into the engine you have committed yourself and your “government”.

Look a the members of parliament. Almost all of them are here in Nairobi, and what’s more they have refused to go back to their constituencies until the fighting ends. Which beggars the question of how this fighting is supposed to end if the people tasked with the responsibility of leadership are unwilling to step up and lend a hand to stop it!

Look at the religious institutions. When they are not deafeningly silent they participate in the chocolate teapot of press conference appeals for peace. The main religious bodies, Catholic, Anglican, Muslim and the Independent Churches have just not impressed at all. They didn’t mind advising their flocks during the constitution. Why are they so quiet now? This touches on something I mentioned in my last post about the hypocrisy of Kenyans filling churches and immediately afterwards collecting weapons and setting upon their fellows. I find it difficult to believe that this is a 0.005% or whatever percentage that is being bandied about. I refuse to believe that the other 99.995% just disappear into thin air!

How many leaders have visited the clash hit areas? In fact how many leaders have gone to Jamhuri Park? Has Mwai Kibaki? Has Raila Odinga? Who purporting to be in authority went there on their own violation? Last time I checked it is only well wishers who have taken the trouble and the expense to visit the internally displaced.

Look at the police. When the spokesman is not blowing hot air, explaining this with doctored rambo footage, his boss Commissioner Ali appears on TV to proudly inform us how he has facilitated security for people to leave their homes, without a doubt one of the most ludicrous statements I have head this year. Commissioner, that is nothing to be proud of. Believe me.

Look at the assorted councils of elders. The Njuri Ncheke. The Luo Council of Elders. the Kaya Elders. The Kalenjin Elders. The Kikuyu Elders. Where are they? They’re always waiting at the wings for earth shaking developments like the sacking of “their” sons so they can rush into the limelight. Where are they now? Why have they lost their voices as this insanity continues? Why do they not use their influence to prevail upon their people to end this madness?

Who will tell the foolish machete wielding youths that it is extremely moronic and self defeating to evict “foreigners” from amongst their midst? That this will only trigger resentment towards them and retaliation across the board?

Who will preach that no matter how self sufficient you think you are, you will still need groundnuts from the coast, beef from North Eastern, fish from Nyanza, sugar from Western, milk from Rift Valley and vegetables from central?

Who will remind people that Kenya is Kenya because of the contribution of everyone and if we pull apart we will all be the worse? Who will remind the population that the whole is greater than the sum of the parts?

Who will point out to people that if this nonsense continues you cannot simply go to Masai Mara or climb Mount Kenya or go to Lake Victoria or go to Mombasa! What will it benefit you to live in a country where you cannot go wherever you please!

Who will address the youths and tell them as reasonably as possible that if you burn buses in the morning do not be surprised to lack transport in the evening. Or if you uproot the railway tracks do not complain about lacking cooking oil. Or if you loot your workplace do not complain about lacking a job. Because they need to be addressed and have these things pointed out by someone in a leadership position.

But then again on retrospect leaders are quite the effective mirror of society … as we did last year, in 20 years from now some of those panga wielding, stone throwing, shop looting fools will offer themselves for leadership and we will elect them.

The question is - who is really to blame there?

Shining Examples

Mercifully there are people stepping up. In their own little way to do something practical rather than endlessly mundane appeals for peace from Narobi. Parallels between Mohammed appealing to the mountain ought to be drawn here.

People like Rachel Wambugu and Wesley Chebii. People with the guts and gumption to step up and lead.

These are the kind of leaders we need. Enough self obsessed pontification from the likes of our current leadership, demanding for extra security. Why should you be given any extra security? Is your blood somehow redder than ours? What about the rest of us? Do we not deserve to be alive too? That if anything should speak volumes about the integrity and selflessness of these windbags. Face it my friends. Looking to this lot for leadership is like sheep looking to wolves.

We need more Rachels and Wesleys. These are the sort of leaders we should admire. The sort of leaders we should stand behind. Ready to go into the lion’s den for their people. True shepherds indeed.

Spare me the Kibakis and the Railas! What do they care about us? A man who a month ago promised to be the president of all Kenyans had the audacity to LEAVE for some nebulous summit as the country literally burnt and its people were dying?

Spare me the absurdity!

AOB - Goodbye Barack. It’s Been Real

I’m following the hype around the newest Kid on The Block, Barack Obama with much a somewhat cynical eye. Is he popular? Yes. Does he drive crowds into frenzies? Yes. Could be make one hell of a president? Yes. Would I personally vote for him? Hell yes! If I was an American that is.

But elections in America follow the very same unwritten rules as those all over the world. Which means what? That the people at the conventions and speeches are the typical iPod listening, notebook carrying educated city dwellers. These are not the people with the votes. The people with the votes are the maws and paws: apple pie baking break-your back work ethic church going rural folk. These are the people with the votes.

And an unwritten law somewhere says that the people who attend rallies are not the ones with the votes.

Keeping in mind the  painfil fate that befell John Kerry and Al Gore to George Bush Jr, what it will boil down to is as follows.

Given a choice between a black man (Mr Obama) and a white woman (Hillary Clinton) I would not be surprised the people with the vote will make the inevitable choice of voting for John Sidney McCain.

NOTE: That last statement is put exactly the way I intended it it. I am perfectly aware of their party affiliations, nomination processes, stands on issues like health, Iraq, and all that jazz.