Breaking news from the Government Spokesman

Row, row, row your boat,
gently down the stream,
merrily merrily merrily merrily

Ah … Alfred …

Sorry, sorry.

Good morning, good morning, good morning. Greetings and salutations. Walapa, walapangaz and wasadily. What’s popping. What’s cooking. What’s crackalacking. Wazzup! For those who many not know me, my name is Alfred ‘Gummi Bear’ Mutua.

I am here to announce that there is white smoke! We have a cabinet!

Principals

1. President and Head Of State: Emilio ‘Shakespeare’ Kibaki
2. Vice President & Leader Of Government Business: Stephen ‘Iscariot’ Kalozo
3. Prime Minister: Raila ‘Grab Yer Ankles’ Odinga
4. Attorney General: Amos ‘Smilin’ Wako
5. Attorney Sergeant: To be announced
6. Attorney Major: To be Announced
7. Attorney Corporal: To Be Announced
8. Plain Old Attorney: To be Announced
9. Deputy Prime Minister: Martha ‘Darth Vader’ Karua
10. Deputy Prime Minister: Musalia ‘Stranger In The Night’ Mudavadi
11. Deputy Deputy Prime Minister: Kiraitu ‘Harvey Dent’  Murungi
12. Deputy Deputy Prime Minister: Charity ‘Just Bring It’ Ngilu
13. Under Deputy Deputy Prime Minister: Sam ‘Droopy’ Ongeri
14. Under Deputy Deputy Prime Minister: William ‘Tear Gas’ Ruto
15. Optimus Prime: To Be Announced
16. Secretary To The Cabinet: Francis ‘Dexter’ Muthaura
17. Tea Girl To The Cabinet: To be Announced
18. Tea Boy To The Cabinet: To be Announced

MINISTRIES

1. Mental Health: Lucy Kibaki
2. Internal Security: George ‘Dance 360′ Saitoti
3. External Security: Joseph ‘Shut yo’ mouth’ Nkaiserry
4. Borderline Security: Bonny ”Isikuti’ Khalwale
5. Defence: To Be Announced
6. Livestock (Water based): Mwangi ‘Tisha’ Kiunjuri
7. Livestock (Less than 4 Legs): Bifwoli ‘Tiktater’ Wakoli
8. Livestock (4 or more legs): Franklin ‘ Comeback Kid’ Bett
9. Livestock (Rodents): Robinson ‘Rat Catcher’ Githae
10. Livestock (No Legs): Stanley ‘Methuselah’ Githunguri
11. Fisheries (In Lakes): Fred ‘Australopithecus Africanus’ Gumo
12. Fisheries (In Oceans): Cyrus ’5 Sock’ Jirongo
13. Foreign Affairs (Within Africa): Najib ‘Scimitar’ Balala
14. Foreign Affairs (Outside Africa): Moses ‘Look At My New Glasses’ Wetangula
15. Labour (Industrial): Ali ‘Petition’ Joho
16. Labour (Domestic): Lina ‘Look At Meee!’ Kilimo
17. Private Transport: To Be Announced
18. Public Transport: To Be Announced
19. Ministry Of Transport By Foot & Bicycle: Chirau ‘Koinange’ Mwakwere
20. Ministry Of Justice: Mutula ‘Quisling’ Kilonzo
21. Ministry Of Constitutional Affairs: Otieno ‘Ha ha!’ Kajwang
22. Ministry of Entertainment: Musikari ‘Piriton’ Kombo

OTHER MINISTRIES

1. Ministry of Ministries
2. Ministry of Assistant Ministries
3. Ministry
4. Ministry Of Water
5. Ministry of H20
6. Ministry of Rice & Plants We Can’t Classify
7. Ministry of Skumawiki & Green Vegetables
8. Ministry of Cabbage & Non Green Vegetables
9. Ministry of East Africa
10. Ministry of South Africa
11. Ministry of West Africa
12. Ministry of South Africa
13. Ministry of Mauritius & Other Islands We Can’t Place
14. Ministry of Sports With Balls
15. Ministry of Sports With Sticks
16. Ministry of Golf, Hockey & Sports With Balls & Sticks
17. Ministry of Sports With Neither Balls Nor Sticks
18. Ministry of Roads
19. Ministry of Streets
20. Ministry of Lanes & Footpaths
21. Backup Ministry
22. Ministry of Youth
23. Ministry of Children
24. Ministry of Toddlers
25. Ministry of Women
26. Ministry of Men
27. Ministry of Transgenders & The Otherwise Unsure
28. Ministry of Culture
29. Ministry of Music
30. Ministry of Arts
31. Ministry of Crafts
32. Ministry of Trade
33. Ministry of Industry
34. Ministry of Commerce
35. Ministry of Jobbo
36. Ministry of Housing
37. Ministry of Human Settlement
38. Ministerial Ministry
39. Ministry of Diamond Production
40. Ministry of Oil Production
41. Ministry of Tanzanite Production
42. Ministry of Winter Sports & Athletics
43. Ministry of Koalas, Tigers & Endgangered Species
44. Ministry of Ministry Creation
45. Ministry of Special Projects
46. Ministry of Plain Old Projects
47. Ministry of Miscellaneous Projects
48. Ministry of Lands
49. Ministry of Skies
50. Ministry of Sun, Moon & Stars

I am pleased to observe that each of the 90 ministries shall have 2 Assistantt Ministes so Kenyans can be assured that work will be done.

Warm Regards

Alfred Mutua

Government Spokesman