White Smoke! Kenya Has A Cabinet

Breaking news from the Government Spokesman

Row, row, row your boat,
gently down the stream,
merrily merrily merrily merrily

Ah … Alfred …

Sorry, sorry.

Good morning, good morning, good morning. Greetings and salutations. Walapa, walapangaz and wasadily. What’s popping. What’s cooking. What’s crackalacking. Wazzup! For those who many not know me, my name is Alfred ‘Gummi Bear’ Mutua.

I am here to announce that there is white smoke! We have a cabinet!


  1. President and Head Of State: Emilio ‘Shakespeare’ Kibaki
  2. Vice President & Leader Of Government Business: Stephen ‘Iscariot’ Kalozo
  3. Prime Minister: Raila ‘Grab Yer Ankles’ Odinga
  4. Attorney General: Amos ‘Smilin’ Wako
  5. Attorney Sergeant: To be announced
  6. Attorney Major: To be Announced
  7. Attorney Corporal: To Be Announced
  8. Plain Old Attorney: To be Announced
  9. Deputy Prime Minister: Martha ‘Darth Vader’ Karua
  10. Deputy Prime Minister: Musalia ‘Stranger In The Night’ Mudavadi
  11. Deputy Deputy Prime Minister: Kiraitu ‘Harvey Dent’  Murungi
  12. Deputy Deputy Prime Minister: Charity ‘Just Bring It’ Ngilu
  13. Under Deputy Deputy Prime Minister: Sam ‘Droopy’ Ongeri
  14. Under Deputy Deputy Prime Minister: William ‘Tear Gas’ Ruto
  15. Optimus Prime: To Be Announced
  16. Secretary To The Cabinet: Francis ‘Dexter’ Muthaura
  17. Tea Girl To The Cabinet: To be Announced
  18. Tea Boy To The Cabinet: To be Announced


  1. Mental Health: Lucy Kibaki
  2. Internal Security: George ‘Dance 360’ Saitoti
  3. External Security: Joseph ‘Shut yo’ mouth’ Nkaiserry
  4. Borderline Security: Bonny ”Isikuti’ Khalwale
  5. Defence: To Be Announced
  6. Livestock (Water based): Mwangi ‘Tisha’ Kiunjuri
  7. Livestock (Less than 4 Legs): Bifwoli ‘Tiktater’ Wakoli
  8. Livestock (4 or more legs): Franklin ‘ Comeback Kid’ Bett
  9. Livestock (Rodents): Robinson ‘Rat Catcher’ Githae
  10. Livestock (No Legs): Stanley ‘Methuselah’ Githunguri
  11. Fisheries (In Lakes): Fred ‘Australopithecus Africanus’ Gumo
  12. Fisheries (In Oceans): Cyrus ‘5 Sock’ Jirongo
  13. Foreign Affairs (Within Africa): Najib ‘Scimitar’ Balala
  14. Foreign Affairs (Outside Africa): Moses ‘Look At My New Glasses’ Wetangula
  15. Labour (Industrial): Ali ‘Petition’ Joho
  16. Labour (Domestic): Lina ‘Look At Meee!’ Kilimo
  17. Private Transport: To Be Announced
  18. Public Transport: To Be Announced
  19. Ministry Of Transport By Foot & Bicycle: Chirau ‘Koinange’ Mwakwere
  20. Ministry Of Justice: Mutula ‘Quisling’ Kilonzo
  21. Ministry Of Constitutional Affairs: Otieno ‘Ha ha!’ Kajwang
  22. Ministry of Entertainment: Musikari ‘Piriton’ Kombo


  1. Ministry of Ministries
  2. Ministry of Assistant Ministries
  3. Ministry
  4. Ministry Of Water
  5. Ministry of H20
  6. Ministry of Rice & Plants We Can’t Classify
  7. Ministry of Skumawiki & Green Vegetables
  8. Ministry of Cabbage & Non Green Vegetables
  9. Ministry of East Africa
  10. Ministry of South Africa
  11. Ministry of West Africa
  12. Ministry of South Africa
  13. Ministry of Mauritius & Other Islands We Can’t Place
  14. Ministry of Sports With Balls
  15. Ministry of Sports With Sticks
  16. Ministry of Golf, Hockey & Sports With Balls & Sticks
  17. Ministry of Sports With Neither Balls Nor Sticks
  18. Ministry of Roads
  19. Ministry of Streets
  20. Ministry of Lanes & Footpaths
  21. Backup Ministry
  22. Ministry of Youth
  23. Ministry of Children
  24. Ministry of Toddlers
  25. Ministry of Women
  26. Ministry of Men
  27. Ministry of Transgenders & The Otherwise Unsure
  28. Ministry of Culture
  29. Ministry of Music
  30. Ministry of Arts
  31. Ministry of Crafts
  32. Ministry of Trade
  33. Ministry of Industry
  34. Ministry of Commerce
  35. Ministry of Jobbo
  36. Ministry of Housing
  37. Ministry of Human Settlement
  38. Ministerial Ministry
  39. Ministry of Diamond Production
  40. Ministry of Oil Production
  41. Ministry of Tanzanite Production
  42. Ministry of Winter Sports & Athletics
  43. Ministry of Koalas, Tigers & Endgangered Species
  44. Ministry of Ministry Creation
  45. Ministry of Special Projects
  46. Ministry of Plain Old Projects
  47. Ministry of Miscellaneous Projects
  48. Ministry of Lands
  49. Ministry of Skies
  50. Ministry of Sun, Moon & Stars

I am pleased to observe that each of the 90 ministries shall have 2 Assistantt Ministes so Kenyans can be assured that work will be done.

Warm Regards

Alfred Mutua

Government Spokesman