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White Smoke! Kenya Has A Cabinet

Posted April 4th, 2008 in Hubbub by M

Breaking news from the Government Spokesman

Row, row, row your boat,
gently down the stream,
merrily merrily merrily merrily

Ah … Alfred …

Sorry, sorry.

Good morning, good morning, good morning. Greetings and salutations. Walapa, walapangaz and wasadily. What’s popping. What’s cooking. What’s crackalacking. Wazzup! For those who many not know me, my name is Alfred ‘Gummi Bear’ Mutua.

I am here to announce that there is white smoke! We have a cabinet!

Principals

  1. President and Head Of State: Emilio ‘Shakespeare’ Kibaki
  2. Vice President & Leader Of Government Business: Stephen ‘Iscariot’ Kalozo
  3. Prime Minister: Raila ‘Grab Yer Ankles’ Odinga
  4. Attorney General: Amos ‘Smilin’ Wako
  5. Attorney Sergeant: To be announced
  6. Attorney Major: To be Announced
  7. Attorney Corporal: To Be Announced
  8. Plain Old Attorney: To be Announced
  9. Deputy Prime Minister: Martha ‘Darth Vader’ Karua
  10. Deputy Prime Minister: Musalia ‘Stranger In The Night’ Mudavadi
  11. Deputy Deputy Prime Minister: Kiraitu ‘Harvey Dent’  Murungi
  12. Deputy Deputy Prime Minister: Charity ‘Just Bring It’ Ngilu
  13. Under Deputy Deputy Prime Minister: Sam ‘Droopy’ Ongeri
  14. Under Deputy Deputy Prime Minister: William ‘Tear Gas’ Ruto
  15. Optimus Prime: To Be Announced
  16. Secretary To The Cabinet: Francis ‘Dexter’ Muthaura
  17. Tea Girl To The Cabinet: To be Announced
  18. Tea Boy To The Cabinet: To be Announced

MINISTRIES

  1. Mental Health: Lucy Kibaki
  2. Internal Security: George ‘Dance 360′ Saitoti
  3. External Security: Joseph ‘Shut yo’ mouth’ Nkaiserry
  4. Borderline Security: Bonny ”Isikuti’ Khalwale
  5. Defence: To Be Announced
  6. Livestock (Water based): Mwangi ‘Tisha’ Kiunjuri
  7. Livestock (Less than 4 Legs): Bifwoli ‘Tiktater’ Wakoli
  8. Livestock (4 or more legs): Franklin ‘ Comeback Kid’ Bett
  9. Livestock (Rodents): Robinson ‘Rat Catcher’ Githae
  10. Livestock (No Legs): Stanley ‘Methuselah’ Githunguri
  11. Fisheries (In Lakes): Fred ‘Australopithecus Africanus’ Gumo
  12. Fisheries (In Oceans): Cyrus ’5 Sock’ Jirongo
  13. Foreign Affairs (Within Africa): Najib ‘Scimitar’ Balala
  14. Foreign Affairs (Outside Africa): Moses ‘Look At My New Glasses’ Wetangula
  15. Labour (Industrial): Ali ‘Petition’ Joho
  16. Labour (Domestic): Lina ‘Look At Meee!’ Kilimo
  17. Private Transport: To Be Announced
  18. Public Transport: To Be Announced
  19. Ministry Of Transport By Foot & Bicycle: Chirau ‘Koinange’ Mwakwere
  20. Ministry Of Justice: Mutula ‘Quisling’ Kilonzo
  21. Ministry Of Constitutional Affairs: Otieno ‘Ha ha!’ Kajwang
  22. Ministry of Entertainment: Musikari ‘Piriton’ Kombo

OTHER MINISTRIES

  1. Ministry of Ministries
  2. Ministry of Assistant Ministries
  3. Ministry
  4. Ministry Of Water
  5. Ministry of H20
  6. Ministry of Rice & Plants We Can’t Classify
  7. Ministry of Skumawiki & Green Vegetables
  8. Ministry of Cabbage & Non Green Vegetables
  9. Ministry of East Africa
  10. Ministry of South Africa
  11. Ministry of West Africa
  12. Ministry of South Africa
  13. Ministry of Mauritius & Other Islands We Can’t Place
  14. Ministry of Sports With Balls
  15. Ministry of Sports With Sticks
  16. Ministry of Golf, Hockey & Sports With Balls & Sticks
  17. Ministry of Sports With Neither Balls Nor Sticks
  18. Ministry of Roads
  19. Ministry of Streets
  20. Ministry of Lanes & Footpaths
  21. Backup Ministry
  22. Ministry of Youth
  23. Ministry of Children
  24. Ministry of Toddlers
  25. Ministry of Women
  26. Ministry of Men
  27. Ministry of Transgenders & The Otherwise Unsure
  28. Ministry of Culture
  29. Ministry of Music
  30. Ministry of Arts
  31. Ministry of Crafts
  32. Ministry of Trade
  33. Ministry of Industry
  34. Ministry of Commerce
  35. Ministry of Jobbo
  36. Ministry of Housing
  37. Ministry of Human Settlement
  38. Ministerial Ministry
  39. Ministry of Diamond Production
  40. Ministry of Oil Production
  41. Ministry of Tanzanite Production
  42. Ministry of Winter Sports & Athletics
  43. Ministry of Koalas, Tigers & Endgangered Species
  44. Ministry of Ministry Creation
  45. Ministry of Special Projects
  46. Ministry of Plain Old Projects
  47. Ministry of Miscellaneous Projects
  48. Ministry of Lands
  49. Ministry of Skies
  50. Ministry of Sun, Moon & Stars

I am pleased to observe that each of the 90 ministries shall have 2 Assistantt Ministes so Kenyans can be assured that work will be done.

Warm Regards

Alfred Mutua

Government Spokesman

  • http://www.thedisplacedafrican.com Mwangi – the Displaced African

    Yep, that feels about right. Too many ministries to get too little work done. If there is anyone I feel sorry for it is the genuine ODM supporters who seem to be slowly watching their hero, their rebel, betray them.

  • http://www.jadekitten.blogspot.com/ ‘Your 1.7′ :-))

    Bloody idiots done taken us for fools yet again. And was it Mr Gummi Bear who had the audacity to say that the ‘people in the rural areas don’t have a prorem with this’ so we shouldn’t either? URGHHH.

    Let me go back to pulling my hair out while I figure how to evade taxes this year. And with inflation at a 20% all time high!! These effing dolts gat jokes!

  • http://blog.uhuru.de JKE

    What I miss in this list:
    Ministry of Humour
    Ministry of Blogs, the Internet and that thing called Blogosphere
    Ministry 42

  • http://bomseh.wordpress.com bomseh

    90 Ministries? That is 270 new jobs of the 500,000 promised in 2002!

  • VituVingiSana

    Bloody idiots have NOT taken us for fools… we are the fools to elect the bloody idiots!

    In a few years Kenyans will have enough ministries to elect aspirants directly for these seats…

    Kenya… the view from where I stand (bottom of the shitpile) doesn’t look hopeful…

    Oops… I gotta duck coz another arse is shitting on me…

  • http://www.coreofthematter.wordpress.com Mwari

    Loool, I nearly cracked a rib. enough said.

  • http://www.ajkenswi.blogspot.com Adrian

    there’s still sato and sato night for these guys to stop and think; “dude, maybe the cabinet is too big if we need a public address system to hold our meetings…?!”

  • super

    why rye…u have had me in stitches…..yet i am unable to explain to my mates why I am laughing so hard…..

    GOOD THINKING

  • http://toiyoi.wordpress.com toiyoi

    And we expect the rest of the world to take kenyans seriously..

    People of earth, no one will fight your battles for you. Rid yourself of these Lords. The British did it. The French did it. The…

    3rd reason i am ashamed to be Kenyan.

  • http://www.theintelligensia.com/blog/ 31337

    Ati we have a unique problem so we needed a unique solution. You dont say.

    Ministry of Magic.

    Since all the elected louts are already in the other ministries i expect to be appointed to the newly created Ministry of Magic. This Ministry shall be in the sole charge of abracadabraing money so that the other Ministries have money to run. Clearly the 30% income tax and 16% VAT they siphon from me every month is not going to suffice.

  • JuXtor

    I will avoid this web site at work…U’ll get me fired…..it started with a smile and bursted out before I could finish reading!

  • donworry

    A comic tragedy. M you have shone a light on this mess and it doesn’t look very nice. This does not say much about our own ability to choose leaders. It does not say much about our ability to have meaningful change ……we are messing up things for the kids and future generations BIG time.

  • http://Nakeel.blogspot.com Nakeel

    Ministry of kurumazira and witchcraft.
    Ministry of Mungiki and other inlawed sects.
    Ministry of visitors relations Peter “mumunya” Munya.

    We so messed up so dead now everything will be double taxed to get salary for these hyenas and vultures.

  • http://blog.uhuru.de JKE

    Werrcome to the Kingdom of Kenya. HE the King of Kenya abides….

    Dude, i sometimes think these guys have smoked the wrong stuff and now want to copy Haile Selassie?

    WTF, really.

  • http://youngkenyanman.blogspot.com mwasjd

    LOL! Too funny. Kwanza Optimus prime!!! Hahaha
    But I think other ministries no 17 is the same as no 27?

  • Gaella

    LOL! This really cracked me up! You’re too funny :). It should be published in one of the local newspapers, hahaha.

  • http://www.sylkwan.blogspot.com Shiroh

    You so rock!!!

    While at it they could add Minister of Blogs and internet publications

  • http://seasonsandreasons.wordpress.com seasonsandreasons

    Jokes aside…was this the reason watus were chasing each other with bow and arrows baying for blood not so long ago?

    Actually it has come to pass that Kibaki and Raila are all cut from the same clothes and they own the national cake.

  • http://prousette.blogspot.com prousette

    LMAO, that news after the white smoke done upset me.
    Very funny.

  • wathiifm

    =)) i can see the priest hood thing is still in your blood if the post on *about M* is anything to go by

  • http://www.greamhouze.blogspot.com —Supreme-G.R.E.A.M—

    What About,
    The Ministry of Hip Hop,
    The Ministry of Ministers (Is this what they r calling Cabinet Affair?),

  • http://mountkirima.wordpress.com Kirima

    Only!!!
    We want more, they promised 500,000 jobs a year what we didn’t realise is that they meant Cabinet jobs.

  • http://modoathii.wordpress.com modoathii

    LOL! that’s just too hilarious. lakini seriously if all this hidiots start asking for posts coz of loyalty we may see 210 ministries formed.

    ministry of sun, moon and stars, there are three ministries here.

    i like lucy’s post. dude lakini, hiyo sigara nono, ai…

  • http://www.howdidigethere-kenyanchick.blogspot.com Kenyanchick

    You killed me at “Darth Vader.”

    I find myself unable to continue.

  • Abelian

    This may be funny but it a horrific business, someone did the calculation and found running this cabinet would cost the taxpayers 500 Million shillings a year!!!

    This is sickening and ridiculous!!! For a poor country like ours this money could be put to better use!!!

  • http://gishungwa.blogspot.com Gish

    This is not even funny then the economists dare argue that the more the ministries the more jobs there will be. Where will the hefty salaries and allowances come from? You and I plus the other millions living on less then a dollar a day. At the approximate cost of 500M a year, suddenly re-elections dont look that bad then we can send them all home.

  • http://toiyoi.wordpress.com toiyoi

    Now that they must ALL EAT, here is a better solution a better solution:
    have 15-20 Ministries, but have 3 ministers (CEO, CFO, COO) and 3 assistant minister (VP-1,VP-2,VP-3):

    Why:
    (o) Everybody wins (are we not all Kenyans?), so both Kimunya, Nyong’o and Sirma can be co-ministers of finance.
    (i) 20×6=120, so ALL MPs can be a minister. Flip the list once every 2.5 years.
    (ii)Reduced cost of running the ministries as no need to new infra-structure, just extra cubicles! MP pay should be enough, no extra pay for being a minister, enjoy the flag and ability to “eat” from the contracts.
    (iii) More work will get done. Surely, applying 6 brains and 12 hands at a problem is bound to get us moving fast towards vision 2035 (now that 1-5 years already lost).
    (iv) less likely case of mega corruption, as each of the C-level will ALL have to agree to “eat”.

  • mkenya

    LMAO guys lighten up. Personally lately all I here bout Kenya is the depressing nonsense of 2 methuselah age mates holding 3.5m Kenyans hostage over some decision they will make in some boardroom anyway. We guys clobbering each other r the fools whether we bury our faces in sand or manure. M pls do a sequel.

  • Carol

    lmao!!!
    Thats it M,the best way to swallow a painful truth.And with the spirit of a working nation, Kenyans are yet to pay taxes!
    That is true,bomseh! Go GOK go!!! go on betraying us. As the locals tarmac, those in parliament get more jobs! If anything the promise is being fulfilled.

  • http://randomgirlnextdoor.blogspot.com Girl Next Door

    We only have 90 ministries? Why not just round it up to 100? There are some excellent suggestions for new ministries above=)
    And they haven’t told us yet about the hefty salaries, allowances, and cars to be imported for these VIPs.
    Truth is indeed stranger than fiction.

  • Wambui

    Just marathon read Feb to April. Sides sore from laughing, even though brain not exactly convinced all this nonsense our country has been put through is remotely funny.

  • edge.of.sanity

    Bigger is better…right? :)

    Just a few new areas to showcase the ineffectiveness of the GoK. Sadly, it will be a costly affair.

  • Pingback: What’s In A Name? - tHiNkEr’S rOoM

  • Denge denge

    I miss man Toro to death, Kenya is a laughing stalk. Anyway, elections are not that far from now, we all now know what to do come that time….

  • Jogoo wa Shamba

    Only in Kenya… Najivunia kuwa mke:((

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