Raul further said that contrary to popular belief, he was not, had never been and did not plan to be Zorro.

Only a particularly slow individual would be surprised at the news that Amos Kimunya is back in cabinet! After all, I even drew a diagram explaining how things work in this neck of the woods. Reacquaint yourself with it at your convenience.

Thought Of The Day

Americas cried as they watched their president being sworn in. Kenyans wept as they watched theirs

Pic Of The Day

Yesterday, one Hussein Obama was sworn in as the 44th president of the United States of America.

Kenya, as it is generally wont to, sent a contingent  of idlers and freeloaders, captained by Foreign Affairs Minister Moses “I’ve just been to Optica” Wetangula, who must be full from his numerous helpings of humble pie as he is the unfortunate who said “Who is Obama to tell us anything? He is just a junior senator from Illinois.” Wetangula famously pronounced the ‘s’.

Speaking of humble pie, I am eating my share of the same. I could never have wagered that Obama would win the election, much less the democratic nomination. Considering that Obama could not have won on the strength of the black vote alone, it speaks volumes of the American people walking the walk rather than just talking the talk.

I categorically eat my words and my hat.

Well in Mr. Obama! Well in America!

Although in my defence my jaundiced view is not helped by the poor calibre of leadership shown by our leaders and the tribal myopia of an embarrassingly large contingent of my fellow countrymen.

I have no doubt Obama would have lost the election if he run in Kenya.

If he was lucky enough to find his name on the electoral roll, and was even luckier to find his face and name on the ballot, he would have been sunk by voter turnouts of 340% voting for the incumbent. The final nail in his coffin would be the swearing in taking place while the ECK chairman is having his announcement typed by a ‘secretary’ in a beret , green uniform and a G3 slung across his shoulders.

But I digress.

Contrast

The biggest contrast I have ever seen in a long time was the way Americans looked fondly with admiration and pride and even love at their new leadership yesterday, compared to the *****, *****, ******, ****** and ***** with which Kenyans regard their leadership from the swearing in todate. What a vast difference! Rest assured you useless logarithms, that is not the way we look at you!

Why oh why can’t we get such a man instead of the hyenas and garden gnomes we have now!

I was in a passionate argument with a gentleman yesterday to the effect that America has had 200 years to get themselves in order whereas we are a young country.

I find this to be a bullshit excuse not worth the 1ply it deserves to be written on. Show me the commandment that dictates we must learn from the school of hard knocks! Is it not wiser to learn from the successes and mistakes of others.

AOB

Pal: Dude, clearly you’re being looked after well, you lucky bastard
M: I cannot tell a lie my son, that I am, that I am. What makes you say that?
Pal: Before you got married my guy you carried biscuits and snacks in all the oddest places. In your pockets, in your laptop bag, in your car dashboard 
M: I categorically deny!
Pal: Now you actually have a sealed container, something that cannot possibly be your doing!

Indeed, I am a lucky man. My dearest, YOU ROCK!

I really enjoy traveling. Really. There’s just something about being in totally unfamiliar surroundings, surrounded by totally unfamiliar people speaking an unfamiliar language that just appeals to me.

Being unknown in unknown surroundings is pretty much equivalent to a blank cheque. You can, for instance, enjoy yourself thoroughly by speaking with an accent. Don’t be boring by using an American or a British accent. If you want to cause much puzzlement and head scratching, nothing beats the sight of an African speaking with an Indian accent.

But I digress.

Much as I love traveling, I HATE AIRPORTS, and especially JKIA. I had to use that establishment’s services for a couple of times last year and I assure you that there was much weeping and gnashing of teeth. I wept.

JKIA is big, poorly designed, stuffy and as comfortable as sand filled y-fronts. The broken, uncomfortable chairs in the departure lounges have to be seen (and sat on) to be believed. The facilities generally smell like a certain substance chemical symbol NH₃, better known as Ammonia. The one time circumstances forced me to make use of the same (a litre of Coke, ladies and gentlemen, will eventually demand an exit) I went in a black haired man and emerged platinum blonde from the fumes. The security guards at the entrance are overzealous and have delusions of grandeur.

But despite this doom and gloom much merriment can be derived from the insanity.

Travelers by and large treat the 2 hour check-in period as an unnecessary and malicious complication. I freely confess to being one of these until a few flights have cured me of this foolishness. Kenyans will show up for a 7:30 flight at 7:20, fully laden with 3 bags, a ruck-sack, golf clubs, a baby and two teddy bears and expect to make it on time. Those two hours are for

1. Allowing you to queue with the other 100 people on the flight, fill in nonsense forms and check in your crap
2. Correcting the many issues that the airport/travel agent/airline/you have screwed up (no, dammit the flight is to Niger, not Nigeria!)

Travelers additionally have a strange habit of dressing to the nines to travel. I remember a flight some years back where there were four of us traveling to Uganda for some reason I forget at this juncture. There was an uncomfortable silence when I showed up at the airport in my faded t-shirt, track suit bottoms and battered sandals to find my other colleagues in suit and tie, complete wit briefcases. Needless to say I was taken aback and inquired if there had been a change of plan from our itinerary that was to travel to Entebbe, take a cab to Kampala and check in to the hotel and proceed to get a night’s sleep. I was assured there was none. Todate I am mystified why some of us insist on suit and tie to travel. Or perhaps I am playing roulette with the latex glove?

Travelers additionally carry large amounts of crap in and on their persons when traveling. Again I freely confess I used to be one of these. Last year I was with a fellow Kenyan on a return flight from South Africa and at the metal detector she filled two trays with the contents of  her pockets, items ranging from money, sweets, biscuits, tulcum powder to sanitary pads and tampons. The male security guard did not shy away from examining the latter items in great detail.

The metal detector is another item that still mystifies. A typical scenario is a feller, call him Bill, walks through the detector. It beeps. Guard asks Bill if he’s carrying or wearing anything metallic. Bill denies both counts and walks through again. It beeps Bill then empties the coins in his pocket into a tray and tries again. It beeps. Bill then takes the guard’s suggestion and removes his belt. Bill then walks through the detector with his belt in hand. Unsurprisingly, it beeps. Finally after removing belt, gold teeth, suspenders and assorted rings and putting them in the tray, Bill finally goes through, after wasting 5 minutes of everyone’s time.

What is the point of those ridiculous entry and exit forms? I don’t get it. They are a colossal waste of time. After all, the same information is scanned from your passport to why force us to fill them? I make sure I use my worst handwriting and if I can find one, a luminous green biro. If I have time some Morse code on the back in dots, dashes and pluses will keep immigration officers busy. Let their immigration and intelligence services earn their money trying to break my code.

Anyway, happy new year my friends. Here’s to 2009!