Minister: Yes, I am fully behind Miller
Chair: OK then, one vote for Cecil
Minister: Wait! Who?
Chair: Cecil. Miller’s first name is Cecil
Minister: (Incredulously) You mean it’s not Maize?

Fellow Kenyans,

My name is Alfred ‘Chemical Ali’ Mutua, Government Spokesman for the Banana Republic of Kenya. My duty is to enlighten the people in Kenya by giving them the facts, not what they think are the facts.

Maize

Contrary to popular belief, there is no maize shortage. There is plenty of maize. The problem is that the maize is at a location of which we are unaware. Besides, would we export maize to Sudan if we had it?

Of course not! Also, I would like to categorically state that our Agriculture Minister is allergic to maize, ugali,porridge and indeed anything that contains or looks like maize and therefore cannot be involved in any scandals. Kenyans should diversify and instead of insisting on maize look at alternatives like corn and mahindi.

Taxes

Much has been said about MPs and civil servants paying their taxes. Government takes pride that its members refused to give in to peer pressure and took the high road. We can’t all be paying taxes. Think about it. It’s just not logical. Or fair.

Activists

Government does not tolerate activists. We insist that activists take their activation elsewhere. We have channels and institutions to address any manner of issues. Look at how we handled Goldenberg, Anglo Leasing, Maize, Fuel and so on. In every case no stone was left unturned. In fact, no turn was left unstoned either.

Tanks And Military Hardware

Kenya as you know is a technologically advanced country. I fail to understand what all the hullabaloo is about these tanks. Where were journalists when we bought the Nina, The Pinta and the Santa Maria for our Navy? I’ve just been on a teleconference with some officers of the Kenya Airforce, Captains Njoroge, Ginger and Algy and they too wonder why there was no hullabaloo when the Airforce purchased twenty Sopwith Camels.

The hijacked tanks we acquired, and that we are taking great pains to make a public spectacle of are indeed ours. Whether or not they were used by Stalin in World War II is neither here nor there. In any case tanks are like fine wine. They get better with age. Besides, only the lazy rely on things like electrically powered turrets, lasers and diesel engines. Just a heads up – we will be conducting military exercises to test only the T72 tanks in the Northern Kenyan border so nothing should be made of the sight of a train carrying said tanks heading to Suda—er—Northern Kenya.

Also, we are expecting a shipment of muskets and Samurai swords for the Kenya Army.

Tourism

We are still getting inquiries about the 20 million spent on the President’s trip to Masai Mara. Let me clarify this very simply. Due to logistical complications, the President was unable to make it to Masai Mara.

We therefore elected to fly the buffalo, lions, elephants, hippos and  other animals from Masai Mara to the president. To save on costs we insisted the birds make their own way and did not fly them. After all, we are a fiscally prudent government.

Disasters

We are declaring hunger a national disaster. This will make it go away. We are also declaring dandruff a national disaster. To make sure we’re covered we’re also declaring fire, water, soil, snow, rain and late night television national disasters.

We would also like to clarify – no Kenyan has died from hunger. Those who have, have died from death.

GTV

We are declaring the collapse of the GTV a national disaster, and are naming a 40 member team to investigate this matter.

Composed of MPs and civil servants, the team will fly to London for a 3 month investigation into this matter. While there the team will also take in the sights and … er … promote Kenya as a tourist destination.

Kibaki: “Hizo mawezere wezere wezere wezere ….”
Karua: I beg your pardon?!
Kibaki: Bloody bure! I was just singing to myself
Mwakwere: Are you from Coast?
Marende: Order! Order! Any member can sing if he is feeling sufficiently philanthropic!
Kalonzo: It’s like I was telling my constituents the other day. A country is like an eighteen wheeled lorry painted green with “Rough Riders: Ride Or Die” painted on the rear windscreen with a colobus monkey, a banana and a rabbi in the front seat  …
Charity: And?
Kalonzo: I forget at this point the point I was trying to make. But it was very important!
Mutula: Not as important as my proposal. I propose all roads be expanded as follows: One lane for the president, one for the prime minister, one for cabinet members, one for the police and fire brigade, one for left handed people, one for right handed people, one for people under 6 feet, one for people over six feet, one for people who watch Tyra and one for people who watch Oprah. I also propose that all roundabouts be expanded with smaller roundabouts being put inside the larger roundabouts.
Nyongo: (Sarcastically) Indeed.
Kimunya: If I may speak…
Ntimama: Quick! Someone please check that the chambers have not been sold to the Libyans!
Mwakwere: Are Libyans from Coast?
Bifwoli: Are we been served tea in this meeting?
Ruto: You and food!
Bifwoli: (Indignantly) Me? ME?! Look at you! You are covered by a very thin film of a powdery substance ….
Ruto: It is NOT maize flour! Besides, is it a crime to wallow, roll and swim in maize?
Bifwoli: Well ….
Kiraitu: Pff! Krrkmmzz. Grrggnnn
Bishop: Glowreh! Someone please help that Son of God from choking. Glowreh!
Karua: He’s not choking. He’s laughing
Nkaiserry: Is it just me or does someone here smell powerfully of diesel?
Kiraitu: Can you ngo srow on this matter. I don’t have anything to do with the fuel shortage
Sambili: Can we focus my friends. We have a crisis in Kenyan football.
Raila: You know, football is like a game of football.
Magara: Hear hear!
Poghisho: Focus everyone. Can we discuss the Hague?
Mwakwere: Bless you
Poghisho: But I’ve not sneezed
Mwakwere: Sorry. Go on
Pohgnisho: Should we support the Hague…
Mwakwere: Bless you! Is there a flu epidemic in the house?
(Ngilu whispers in his ear)
Mwakwere: Oh! The Hague! I get you, I get you. Is it in Coast?
Mungatana: Let us discuss critical issues affecting the country. Did you know that GTV folded last week and I had paid for 3 months in advance!
Raila: Who is Mungatana???
Ngilu: Can Saitoti have a written statement delivered to our offices by tomorrow on this matter?
Saitoti: There come a time! There come a time!
Nyongo: Tell it to the birds
Saitoti: Garment takes it very seriously…
Bishop: Government you mean
Saitoti:That’s what I said. Garment.
Mwiria: Can the Minister for Tourism explain why it cost the treasury 20 million for the President to go to the Mara? Outrageous!
Balala: The Honourable member is speaking from a position of disinformation. The president did not actually go to the Mara. We flew all the Rhinoceroses (or Rhinoceri if you prefer), Hippos (or hippi), Lions (or Lioni), buffalos (or buffali), Elephants (or Elephanti), impala (or impali), camels (cameli) and assorted birds TO the president. Mohammed and the mountain of you get me.  Flights cost money, especially since some of us are storing fuel in a manner likely to suggest resale at a future date for an exaggerated markup. The flights are catered and you know how camels drink!
Ruto: Exactly. In fact maize was served on that flight!
Balala: (Modestly) My ministry was also able to move a river and a small lake
Mwakwere: If I may ask a question…
Nyongo: (Irritably) Are you going to ask if Balala is from coast?
Mwakwere: No
Nyongo: Good
Mwakwere: Are hippos from coast?
Kiunjuri: If we might turn our attentions to the tisha strike.
Beth: The what?
Kiunjuri: The tisha strike.
Beth: What is that?
Kiunjuri: My esteemed colleague seems to be wallowing in a fetid morass or ignorance if she is unaware that those of the noble profession entrusted with imparting knowledge to our youngsters have downed their tools in a sustained campaign for improved remuneration. There is a tisha strike.
Wetangula: You people missed history being made! When i was in America ….
Bifwoli: Uuuuuuwi! Uuuuuuwi! Wetangula is a tiktater! Wetangula is a titkater!
Marende: Order! Order! If Wetangula is feeling sufficiently philanthropic to go to America
Mwiria: And watch the inauguration from the top of a tree ….
Wetangula: That is neither here nor there. The fact is I watched it live.
Magara:We need to investigate if the Obama inauguration was in fact live!
Namwamba: Lucy Kibaki is the director of Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae. And Enron. And BCCI. In fact it’s no coincidence if you take the fourth letter of Hitler and add U, C and Y. Try it! Shocking stuff! A scandal!
Kibaki: Bloody bure! I’m making some changes. From now on you call me either Mr President or The Emilio. In two weeks one of you will be fired.
Bifwoli: Where’s our usual cup of tea?
Ruto: I have made arrangements with … er … a catering company that will be providing us with maize porridge until the next election.
Uhuru: My colleagues, the economic crunch is getting biting. Nowadays I am forced to share the same car as my driver! Outrageous!
Kalonzo: Given that Button Moon is about to come on in the next half hour I beg of us to close this meeting and our allowances to be paid.