Fellow Kenyans,

My name is Alfred ‘Chemical Ali’ Mutua, Government Spokesman for the Banana Republic of Kenya. My duty is to enlighten the people in Kenya by giving them the facts, not what they think are the facts.

Maize

Contrary to popular belief, there is no maize shortage. There is plenty of maize. The problem is that the maize is at a location of which we are unaware. Besides, would we export maize to Sudan if we had it?

Of course not! Also, I would like to categorically state that our Agriculture Minister is allergic to maize, ugali,porridge and indeed anything that contains or looks like maize and therefore cannot be involved in any scandals. Kenyans should diversify and instead of insisting on maize look at alternatives like corn and mahindi.

Taxes

Much has been said about MPs and civil servants paying their taxes. Government takes pride that its members refused to give in to peer pressure and took the high road. We can’t all be paying taxes. Think about it. It’s just not logical. Or fair.

Activists

Government does not tolerate activists. We insist that activists take their activation elsewhere. We have channels and institutions to address any manner of issues. Look at how we handled Goldenberg, Anglo Leasing, Maize, Fuel and so on. In every case no stone was left unturned. In fact, no turn was left unstoned either.

Tanks And Military Hardware

Kenya as you know is a technologically advanced country. I fail to understand what all the hullabaloo is about these tanks. Where were journalists when we bought the Nina, The Pinta and the Santa Maria for our Navy? I’ve just been on a teleconference with some officers of the Kenya Airforce, Captains Njoroge, Ginger and Algy and they too wonder why there was no hullabaloo when the Airforce purchased twenty Sopwith Camels.

The hijacked tanks we acquired, and that we are taking great pains to make a public spectacle of are indeed ours. Whether or not they were used by Stalin in World War II is neither here nor there. In any case tanks are like fine wine. They get better with age. Besides, only the lazy rely on things like electrically powered turrets, lasers and diesel engines. Just a heads up – we will be conducting military exercises to test only the T72 tanks in the Northern Kenyan border so nothing should be made of the sight of a train carrying said tanks heading to Suda—er—Northern Kenya.

Also, we are expecting a shipment of muskets and Samurai swords for the Kenya Army.

Tourism

We are still getting inquiries about the 20 million spent on the President’s trip to Masai Mara. Let me clarify this very simply. Due to logistical complications, the President was unable to make it to Masai Mara.

We therefore elected to fly the buffalo, lions, elephants, hippos and  other animals from Masai Mara to the president. To save on costs we insisted the birds make their own way and did not fly them. After all, we are a fiscally prudent government.

Disasters

We are declaring hunger a national disaster. This will make it go away. We are also declaring dandruff a national disaster. To make sure we’re covered we’re also declaring fire, water, soil, snow, rain and late night television national disasters.

We would also like to clarify – no Kenyan has died from hunger. Those who have, have died from death.

GTV

We are declaring the collapse of the GTV a national disaster, and are naming a 40 member team to investigate this matter.

Composed of MPs and civil servants, the team will fly to London for a 3 month investigation into this matter. While there the team will also take in the sights and … er … promote Kenya as a tourist destination.