Fellow Kenyans,
My name is Alfred ‘Chemical Ali’ Mutua, Government Spokesman for the Banana Republic of Kenya. My duty is to enlighten the people in Kenya by giving them the facts, not what they think are the facts.
Maize
Contrary to popular belief, there is no maize shortage. There is plenty of maize. The problem is that the maize is at a location of which we are unaware. Besides, would we export maize to Sudan if we had it?
Of course not! Also, I would like to categorically state that our Agriculture Minister is allergic to maize, ugali,porridge and indeed anything that contains or looks like maize and therefore cannot be involved in any scandals. Kenyans should diversify and instead of insisting on maize look at alternatives like corn and mahindi.
Taxes
Much has been said about MPs and civil servants paying their taxes. Government takes pride that its members refused to give in to peer pressure and took the high road. We can’t all be paying taxes. Think about it. It’s just not logical. Or fair.
Activists
Government does not tolerate activists. We insist that activists take their activation elsewhere. We have channels and institutions to address any manner of issues. Look at how we handled Goldenberg, Anglo Leasing, Maize, Fuel and so on. In every case no stone was left unturned. In fact, no turn was left unstoned either.
Tanks And Military Hardware
Kenya as you know is a technologically advanced country. I fail to understand what all the hullabaloo is about these tanks. Where were journalists when we bought the Nina, The Pinta and the Santa Maria for our Navy? I’ve just been on a teleconference with some officers of the Kenya Airforce, Captains Njoroge, Ginger and Algy and they too wonder why there was no hullabaloo when the Airforce purchased twenty Sopwith Camels.
The hijacked tanks we acquired, and that we are taking great pains to make a public spectacle of are indeed ours. Whether or not they were used by Stalin in World War II is neither here nor there. In any case tanks are like fine wine. They get better with age. Besides, only the lazy rely on things like electrically powered turrets, lasers and diesel engines. Just a heads up – we will be conducting military exercises to test only the T72 tanks in the Northern Kenyan border so nothing should be made of the sight of a train carrying said tanks heading to Suda—er—Northern Kenya.
Also, we are expecting a shipment of muskets and Samurai swords for the Kenya Army.
Tourism
We are still getting inquiries about the 20 million spent on the President’s trip to Masai Mara. Let me clarify this very simply. Due to logistical complications, the President was unable to make it to Masai Mara.
We therefore elected to fly the buffalo, lions, elephants, hippos and other animals from Masai Mara to the president. To save on costs we insisted the birds make their own way and did not fly them. After all, we are a fiscally prudent government.
Disasters
We are declaring hunger a national disaster. This will make it go away. We are also declaring dandruff a national disaster. To make sure we’re covered we’re also declaring fire, water, soil, snow, rain and late night television national disasters.
We would also like to clarify – no Kenyan has died from hunger. Those who have, have died from death.
GTV
We are declaring the collapse of the GTV a national disaster, and are naming a 40 member team to investigate this matter.
Composed of MPs and civil servants, the team will fly to London for a 3 month investigation into this matter. While there the team will also take in the sights and … er … promote Kenya as a tourist destination.
LOL. ROFLOL.
Diversify to corn & mahindi. You are cruel. Cruel.
“no turn was left unstoned” Yeah, and Kenyans must be stoned to believe him.
Camel Sopwiths. Memories as I accompanied Biggles, Ginger, Algy & the Prof on our adventures.
“To save on costs we insisted the birds make their own way and did not fly them.” Not fair. Tell it to the birds.
On GTV, they might just do it. And include the wives, kids & third wheels on the trip!
Dear Babyface Mutua, you really made my evening again. Thanks a lot, you are worth your salary. Cheers, Rafiki
there are two kenyan sites i love, this one of course and 254.com, but u sir, you are nifty, very nifty indeed!
hilarious bro, absolutely hilarious
except thats exactly what the jamaa would say
Only in Kenya will they get someone with a doctorate to be a spin doctor! Spin Dr. Alfred Mutua.
The Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria…
I couldn’t have said it better. Indeed baby face Alfred Ali is doing Kenyan proud – after all his utterances represent all that is Kenyan – corruption, impunity and outright greed.
Actually, Mutua is right on the food issue: if there is no maize, the people can eat cake or spaghetti or chips. Sounds familiar.
LMAO. You guy, I am printing this and sending it to Kibaki via posta. Whats adress for Muthaiga. I meant state house. or wherever he is taking a nap?
That is so funny!! LOL. Great work, keep my day going!
hilarious :D
Funny, true. Reminds me of jon stewarts “the daily show”.
if only mainstream media interviewers were like uganda’s instead of our spineless starstruck versions. There were three journalists in uganda arrested for asking a visiting head of state “hard questions”
I’d really like to see you interview a minister.
No Kenyans have died of hunger, those who have, have died of death…let them look for maize alternatives like corn and mahindi (in death-he may say).
Too funny!
Hilarious!
Very many LOLZ, great article
Sounds so much like Alf, a spayed version of Michael Moore… This guy once said on TV, I can’t ever forget. That he ‘Has never and will never tell the Kenyan People a Lie’
C’mon Alf, really?
Great article
v funny as always! activists should take their activation elsewhere … priceless!
While this is hilarious, it would be so much better for us as a country if it was actually all hyperbole.
But, unfortunately, our dear sycophant, Bwana Daktari, has said each of these things at one time or the other.
It really is sad, at least under Dan Toro, there was no attempt by anyone ( apart from JJ who would never ever count) to pretend the Emperor had any clothes on.
- Steve
I can actually hear Dr. Alf’s voice…
Alfie is just another “Wiseman from the East”. I hear before coming to Kenya, he was sharing his wisdom – teaching some scribes how to identify and report hard news at some Eastern university. When does his work permit expire. It’s funny how all the wise men come from the East. Far East, Middle East, Eastern Province, Eastlands et al!!!!
This was just so hilarious…..And a walk down meomory lane….. I wonder whether you and your readers caught up with captain Von Stalhein in “Biggles flies East”? The world was a much simpler place those days….as long as Biggie had his mozos he could sort out the world’s villains.
Hi Alfred,
mine is to thank you for the good work you have been doing to us Kenyans, However there are few issues that runs over our minds when it comes to mwananchis needs on vision 2030.
1) City council is about to increase parking fee, fare enough.In as much as we agree to pay,What are they going to do with the additional money they are to increase?
2)Just a couple of weeks ago there was elections for mayor of Nairobi where every councilor was taking home kes 50,000.00, Of that money who paid all that because the town clerk was to be questioned by the house committee and since he was out of the country then, the house team did not bother asking questions any further.
It is now in record they are seeking for a hooping Kes155 million to pay salaries yet when you go to there counters they no longer accept cheques because they need to handle cash ( to avoid records) so I believe.
suggestion,
To avoid corruption and to increase revenue collections in CBD why don’t you have lesser parking charges for vehicles coming to purchase items in town, like say a period of an hour to cost Kes 100.00 and the rest day long charges, This will help all parties including the council, shopkeepers and the common mwananchi.
Please help the oppressed Kenyan by giving us more details of how the city askaris are to handle mwananchi in cases of-you are found without a business license where they manhandle you like a bag of cabbage to a waiting mobile council hired shop where you bribe your way out, you are dropping your colleague and here he comes and puts in a car clamp while you are in your car and ask for a bribe, is there a hot line to call when you are in this kind of a scenario?
kangachu wishes to be a proud Kenyan.
RGDS