Jood Good Morning. My name is Alfred ‘The Sailor Man’ Mutua.

I just wanted to take this opportunity to clarify some facts to Kenyans, for as you know the only facts in this country are those that come from my lips. Ha ha!

First of all I object to those who threw eggs at my Volkswagen Jolf. That car cost me a lot of money and I must insist again that all those human rights activists take their activation elsewhere.

I would like to take this opportunity again to remind Kenyans that our officers do not shoot people dead. What happens is that people position themselves just as bullets fired from our officer’s weapons arrive at the particular point at which they have positioned themselves.

I also want to single out the small boy who laughed at the music from my car. Elton Gohn is a timeless artiste.

I would like to assure Kenyans an Ujandans that the following are indeed part of Kenya

• Jarissa
• Kapenjuria
• Mount Kilimangaro
• Jatundu
• Kakameja
• Kagiado
• Wagir
• Lanjata
• JilJil
• Bunjoma
• Lokichojjio
• Muranja
• Namanja

Jood Good  day Kenyans.

It is said that the first step is denial. Well, I am pleased to report that I am no longer in denial.

This country, ladies and gentlemen, is for all intents and purposes a banana republic, only without the bananas.

Reading from light to left:

• An indecisive president rejoicing at the miles of fencing he has at State House at his disposal to sit on.
• An ineffective Prime Minister, allegedly charged with coordination of Government Ministry. Judging from the Babel from the said ministries, we are  pleasantly surprised he can coordinate trouser and coat
• A government spokesman whose own mother is unlikely to take seriously, let alone 29,998,000 Kenyans
• A cabinet which judging from the intelligence demonstrated by their banter and pronouncements, are unlikely to have the capacity to tie their shoes before descending on their Morning Cerelac
• An Attorney General who fondly believes he is perpetually auditioning for a Colgate advertisement
• An anti-corruption commission that zealously goes after chicken thieves and pickpockets
• A trigger happy police force that lurches from crisis to crisis
• A civil service run by tottering old men that refuse to give way that continues to amaze with its ineffectiveness
• A juvenile parliament, complete with soiled diapers that is more interested in grandstanding than legislating.
• A self deluded judiciary that fondly believes it is effectively discharging its mandate
• An ever naive public that refuses to see that it is viewed as nothing more than a source of funds, votes and foot-soldiers.
• A now defunct electoral commission unable to accurately count a single coin toss. It takes some effort and quite the imbecility to announce with a straight face a candidate had 40,000 votes in a constituency that has 30,000 people, let alone voters.

Most people in positions of governance give impressions of an urgent need of a swift kick in the seat of the trousers.

The nail in the coffin was this public announcement laying blame for corruption at the foot of couples working in Government offices.

Digest that for a minute. The Government position is that people who answered in the affirmative to the question “Wilt thou?” are the source of stolen public money.

After laughing myself to tears, I deployed my crack investigation team, whose findings stunned even me.

Pictured below is the Government Of Kenya Policy Maker & Decision Making Device

This device, acquired in 2002 has been behind all Government decisions and policies to date.

To many of us who have long been of the opinion that some of the decisions taken by the Government cannot possibly have come from a Homo Sapiens with opposable thumbs and binocular vision, much makes sense.

Going back to the couples, I have in my possession I card from Reverend Moon that I feel the authorities should investigate further

Willing hands have pitched in to address the Prime Minister’s complaint as to having nowhere to spray his napalm or drop his depth charges

Aside from providing opportunities for MPs, assorted heads of state, as well as journalists with extra travel budgets and bloggers with miscellaneous grants to dispose of, just what, precisely, did the London Summit achieve?

Bonus points if the answer doesn’t include any of the following:

• Beginning the process
• Exchange ideas
• Concerted effort
• Commitment
• Engagement
• Grand plan

I’m just asking.

Good morning fellow Kenyans.

My name is Alfred “I See Dead People” Mutua.

Government would like to reassure its citizens that the recent resignation of Ms Martha Karua and Mr Danson Mungatana have not in any way caused it sleepless nights.

In fact, we are happy that they have gone so that we can put some fresh faces in the cabinet.

In light of this change I am pleased to announce the following.

The new Minister for Justice And Constitutional affairs is this plate of Weetabix.

The plate of Weetabix has promised to cleanse the bowels of justice.

Additionally, the new Assistant Minister for Medical Services is now this ham sandwich

The sandwich will be sworn to fill the bellies of the sick.

Both cabinet ministers will be sworn in next week and commence work at once.

Waiting in the wings to be sworn in are a glass of milk and half a pancake.

The new cabinet members are just as effective as the team they are joining, if not more. Let it not be said that there is not talent and intelligence in Government.

A family friend is getting married this Friday. As they make the final preparations I fondly remember being in that position a week before our big day juggling logistics, family, ulcers, priests, venues and suits.

I cannot tell a lie … there were times the AG’s chambers seemed appealing. And as D-Day drew closer even that seemed too much of a hassle and the local Chief’s mabati hut looked appealing. But soldier on we did.

I especially commend my wonderful better half because in addition to the wedding hassles, she had to deal with me, who is largely handicapped by being me.

When it comes to weddings, the human male is terribly handicapped by being a human male. Being a human male makes it difficult to contribute constructively to many aspects of the wedding.

Sample this tidbit shortly after the master plan for world domination had been tabled and approved by the coalition partner

Missus: Sweetie, what should our colour scheme be?
Mister: Err … colour scheme? (Racking brain for what a colour scheme is, then giving up) Black?

Or this exchange in a wedding gown shop festooned with tresses and trails

Missus: Sweetie, what do you think of this wedding gown?
Mister: (Trying and failing to come up with criteria for a nice gown other than tightness around certain bits) Er … hmm. Good question. Good question. It’s er … is OK.

Or this one in the suit shop as the groom was reacquainted with a coat, the last one he wore boasting  a school crest on the front pocket

Missus: Sweetie, which shade do you prefer? Azure or Aquamarie? ^* Actual colours stated may have been different
Mister: (Knowing neither colour, desperately pointing at the nearest one) This one. Yes, definitely this one.

Good times, good times.

At the end of it all it worked out perfectly. The bride showed up at the church. The groom showed up at the correct church. No one rose when the priest asked if there was anyone with objections. The rings had not been forgotten in a pocket of a suit that had been taken to the laundry.

Execution was flawless, despite my main contribution being approving the menu and denting my boss’ car. She did the rest. You, my dear, are amazing.

And every morning since when I wake up and look at wife and home, ever so slightly a different aspect of just how fortunate I am occurs to me.

And I say to myself yessir, you’s a lucky fellow.

Love, M

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