Doing a straw poll with some of my peers in the industry, I discovered to my surprise that most of them approach the task of recruitment and interviews with horror. One of my colleagues actually grabbed the top of his head and gnashed his teeth as the word ‘interviews’ slipped from my lips.

I can’t entirely say that I blame them. Interviews in this day and age are a highly traumatic exercise for both interviewer and interviewee, as well as support personnel such as receptionists. It takes strong men and women of iron will and dispensation to carry out the interview process quarter after quarter and come away unscathed.

All of us have gone through the interview process.

It all begins with the hallowed document called the Curriculum Vitae. Like flies to week old beef, every office invariably finds itself flooded with these documents. Most are unsolicited. Secretaries watch the approaching mail room personnel with trepidation when they see several A4 envelopes in their possession.

They start off innocently enough. There is usually a cover letter introducing the author of the CV, and alerting the organization that due to some unfortunate oversight, they have yet to identify their acute need for the skills of the individual whose qualifications are attached. The letter reassuringly proceeds to let the reader know that it is not too late and the unfortunate state of affairs will shortly be corrected if the attached CV was perused and the author interviewed and recruited.

At this point the CV is detached and read.

This too starts off innocently, giving the name, contact details and some elementary qualifications and abilities, such as ‘reading, riting and rithmetic’. Just to make sure no assumptions are made, candidates also volunteer surprising details like binocular vision and opposable thumbs.

Next to The Lord of the Rings Trilogy and the assorted works of Enid Blyton, the qualifications and skill section make the CV one of the greatest pieces of fiction ever written. I keep a selection in a drawer for slow days when I need a light entertainment read. People can, and without shame, do say anything on their CVs. Modesty and reality somehow are relegated to the back burner after typing the phrase ‘Curriculum Vitae’.

I am reminded of one in which the author unblushingly mentioned being present at our independence celebrations in 1964. This fact however was incompatible with his stated date of birth on the attached copy of his ID card. If it was to be believed, he must have attended the celebrations as a vague idea in his prospective father’s head.

Authors generally give their actual qualifications and abilities a friendly nudge to stand out better in the spotlight. I have lost count of the number of self processed database administrators who subsequently displayed a spectacular ignorance of databases upon further prodding, or those proud of their 70 words per minute subsequently inquiring where the letter ‘x’ was on the keyboard.
Some authors are not shy to invent technologies and techniques as they breathlessly prepare their CVs. I like to think of myself as keeping current in the industry, but more often than not a prospective candidate modestly professes advanced skill in techniques and technologies that vendors have yet to invent and produce, let alone market.

I recall with wonder telephoning one lady on the strength of her CV that informed me she was proficient in the use of Microsoft Windows 3000, an operating system I feel sure Microsoft themselves had not heard of. No, she assured me, there was no typing error. She has been using Windows 3000 for several years.

I have since learnt that whenever CVs are solicited in connection with a job opening, they are generally helpfully altered to make them more compatible with the requirements. I made this surprising revelation after I had advertised an opening on my team, and made a small typo in the advertisement. Out of the 14 or so CVs I received by lunch time, 5 of them had the same typo in the section for skills.

After the qualification and skills is a section where candidates articulate additional value that they will add to the organization.

The CV will invariably reassure the reader that the author is a team player, and works well under pressure. I have made a personal commitment to hire the candidate who states in black and white they are neither of the above.

Job applicants also have no doubt that they have good communication and interpersonal skills, and I am yet to come across any who feels otherwise.
And finally referees are put down. These are generally
• Principal of the last college they were in
• Lecturer at said college
• An uncle or aunt, preferably with a different surname from the applicant’s

After digesting this, there comes the process of short listing and interviewing, which we will discuss another day.