Kibaki: Bloody bure! So, Raila, we’re going to that place, yes, that one, not the other one. That one. No, not THAT one. That one. To plant those things. With the trunks.
Raila: Elephants?
Kibaki: Yes. No. What was the question again?
Wekesa: To the Mau. To plant trees
Kibaki: Yes, that one
Raila: For shizzle my nizzle
Kibaki: (Sotto voice) Psyche!!!
Raila: (Suspiciously) What was that?
Kibaki: Pink elephants are riding my bicycle.
Mwakwere: Is the Mau in coast?
Ruto: Is this meeting catered? I want some roasted maize
Raila: What’s this about Al Faisal?
Kajwang: Way ahead of you there. We intend to deport him. We can’t just teleport him
Mwakwere: I can help you there. Jamaica is no in coast (is it?) but I know the country code 1-876
Kimunya: Err … therefore
Kenneth: You probably want to deport him to Libya.
Mwakwere: With a country code you can teleport anywhere in the world using any network. I thought everyone knew that?
[Stunned silence]
Mwiria: Anyway, moving on!
Kiraitu: Yes. It will be like raping a woman who is already wirring. Pff. Pffft. Grekkjjjwe! hHHerewr7688! ^&*
Charity: (Shouting) This is clearly in disorder. I mean not in order!
Kalonzo: Stop talking before me! Can’t you see I’m handsome?
Wetangula: People please. Now, Mwakwere, you and your ferries are a cause for concern-
Mwakwere: (Shouting) What do you mean me and my fairies? What have you heard?
Raila: (Holding head) He means those big boats that go chuff chuff chuff in the water
Mwakwere: Oh
Kibaki: Order gentlemen. The Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria set off. Can we all be focused? Uranium 238.
Ongeri: If I may school my learned friends …
Kajwang: Has anyone noticed Ongeri has new shoes?
Ongeri: (Irritably) There is no connection between my new shoes and missing school funds!
Saitoti: Garment is firmly in control with the Al Faisal situation
Nyongo: Garment? Was a ministry of fabrics and attire created overnight? The word is government. GOVERNMENT
Saitoti: (Puzzled) But that’s what I said. Garment.
Nyong: Government
Saitoti: Garment
Nyongo: GOVERNMENT
Saitoti: Garment
Nyongo: Go-
Saitoti: Go-
Nyongo: ver-
Saitoti: ver-
Nyongo: ment
Saitoti: ment
Nyongo: Government
Saitoti: Garment
[Collective Groan]
Kalonzo: I hear Kijana Wamalwa’s brother wants to be President
Wetangula: (Standing) Yes. In fact so do I!
Kalonzo: (Modestly) But i am the most handsome here! And i even take care of my hair. Hilary Clinton wanted to copy my hairstyle but I said no.
Oburu: Treasury is getting tired of buying mirrors for the office of the vice president.
Kenneth: Some of us are diversifying our income by setting up a small business with green, green grass
Oburu: That is a lie. I never inhaled!
Mwakwere: Do people from coast inhale?
Michuki: I shall amend the law on pollution shortly to include you and Kalonzo!
[Esther Murigi walks in. A loud wolf whistle pierces the air]
Kalonzo: (Dashes to the nearest mike) I’mma let you finish but Kalonzo is one of the most handsome people of all time
Kibaki: Can we wrap this up? Wrestling is about to start on TV
Mwakwere: Are there TVs in coast?
Michuki: Some of you here are not taking the environment seriously. I’m informed reliably that Poghisio even has ducks in his swimming pool?
Pogishio: Is it a crime? I like ducks. They taste like chicken
Muthaura: On a point of order I would request all ministers to collect their lunch passes from the office on the mezzanine floor -
Ruto: Did someone say maize?
Kiunjuri: Let me remind Professor Ongeri we have not forgotten the plight of tishas …
Nyongo: Who?
Kiunjuri: Tishas
Kenneth: He means teachers I think
Kalonzo: (Singing) Got honey,
and you know it,
take it out of your pocket and eat it and eat it,
this way, and that way
Marende: Order! If a member is feeling sufficiently philanthropic to sing T-Pain tunelessly, let him notify the house
Kalonzo: But i’m handsome!
Haji: I’d like to challenge Saitoti to explain why Somalis are being harassed
Oburu: Why? Are you Somali?
Haji: (Indigantly) No! Of course not. Everyone knows I’m right handed
Wekesa: Has anyone seen my strawberr? I placed a call a few minutes ago and I can’t find it
Kenneth: You mean blackberry?
Wekesa: No. My phone is not one of those ripoffs. It’s a Strawberry. I bought it after the Samsing was stolen
Alfred Mutua: I … er … have some VCDs i’m selling in the car if anyone is interested?
Odinga: Brilliant. Do you have Lion King?
Alfred Mutua: Er … that’s not quite what i have. I was thinking more local content …
Kibaki: Professional View? News?
Alfred Mutua: Er … even more local … er … more like local … er … talent … ha ha … er … loal performers engaged in … er … performances
Mwakwere: (Quickly) Do you take MPesa?
PIC OF THE DAY
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