Missed Calls

Here’s the thing.

If you call someone and they don’t pick, and you call them again and they don’t pick, DON’T CALL A THIRD TIME.


Calling a third time makes you look like a complete doofus, and every time after that increases your DF (doofus factor) exponentially.

Some people, like me for example, take it as a challenge to see how many times i can ignore your phone calls if you call more than twice in a row. I have successfully artificially evolved the gene that removes the urgent need to answer a phone call and say "hello" as soon as the phone rings.

This makes me unpopular in particular with people in the sales profession, who think I am kidding when I say "Don’t call me, I’ll call you". Attn. those folks peddling mortgages, credit cards and loans from Barclays etc. Don’t call me. Really.

If you call someone twice and they don’t pick it is because of one of two reasons

  1. They cannot pick the call (in a meeting, driving, being mauled by a hyena etc)
  2. They do not wish to pick your call (you are a stalker, you are owed money etc)

Whichever the case may be, calling for the 40th time does not increase your chances of hearing " {Click} Hello?" If anything it steels the determination.

If you know you’re not No.2, just wait after your second attempt. Your call will be returned. If not — well, try physical stalking.

Also, by the way, joining chocolate teapots and powdered water is the question "Why weren’t you picking my calls?"

Don’t ask that question, because there are only two possibilities and only one answer

  1. Person could not pick the call because they were in a meeting, driving, etc. In which case they will tell you they were unable to pick the call
  2. Person did not wish to pick the call because you closely resemble Onyancha. In which case they will tell you anyway they were unable to pick the call.

In summary, there is only one answer to this question, so don’t bother asking it. Save time. Save your credit.

And if you are an adult of sound mind and body, are gainfully employed and are still flashing folks … may you wake up in the Middle of New York with Osama Bin Laden’s face grafted onto your own. You are, in colloquially correct Kiswahili, a "shenzi type!"

19 thoughts on “Missed Calls”

  1. I can relate especially the Loan mongers, I dont want a loan if i did i would be at your offices. Allow me to add those fools whose number you don’t have (read deleted) and call to ask “you don’t know who this is?” over and over again absolute DF’s/Morons.

  2. You forgot those who call, you tell them its a wrong number because you are not the so and so they want to talk to, but they still insist asking you to give them the phone.
    Why don’t people understand the simple explanation of “You have the wrong number” which vocabulary there needs more elaboration?
    If they call again after I have informed them that its a wrong number and hanged up, I tell them, “wait I call him/her” and leave the call on, ndio wapate adabu!

  3. @Gish: You so answered for me the one for: Don’t you know who this is? That ALWAYS gets me. Or they keep saying: Its me. Or: It is your friend. Seriously, then why am I asking you who you are.
    And then there is this one where people CALL YOU and then ask you: WHO IS THIS? Apart from the polite: With whom do you wish to speak? Which over here is tantamount to speaking in Greek in France, YOU CALLED ME, (and in true M fashion, add DOOFUS LOL), WTF are YOU?
    Don’t get me started.
    @M – I know people who are of the opinion that I NEVER answer my phone no matter what! I could explain to them, but I have a feeling Persona non Grata would be added to ex-communicato. And I suppose that would go the same way my non-existent Latin went.

  4. “I have successfully artificially evolved the gene that removes the urgent need to answer a phone call and say “hello” as soon as the phone rings”

    I so feel you on this one

  5. What really confounds me is why Kenyans in particular never leave voicemails or never setup vmail on their phones…the fucking thing is free.

  6. The ‘flashers’ rile me off to no end! It seems some people even just randomly select numbers from a directory and say ‘hmmm this number looks interesting…let me flash it’

  7. Hilarious but true. I literally count the rings before I hang up. 4 rings and I’m getting ready to hang up. Then theres the silly ones who call back and say, yaani you couldn’t even wait for me to answer you had to hang up? (expressing their disappointment that they had to call you back instead) I also hate it when a person calls me, I fail to answer for some reason, then they text me later with a rhetorical question “you didn’t call me back?” Of course I didn’t because I didn’t want to.

  8. Great stuff, M and all so true. I am very reluctant to answer private/with held numbers and I have removed the voicemail facility following a very long and rambling lecture from a lonely relative.

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