Why I Want To Be An MP

Two fraternities in this great land open their work sessions by making the sign of the cross and mumbling "Let us prey"; and for the exact same reason. One is of those gentlemen who make a living relieving you of your property and reducing your funds to manageable levels – pickpockets, muggers, thieves; known collectively as MPs, and the second – crooks. Or is it the other way? I could be mistaken
The other day while watching intense parliamentary debate the good lady that serves us tea observed "Not many people working there."
Looking at the impossibly full parliamentary chamber with Honourable Members jammed almost two to a chair I ventured "I guess it depends on what you mean by many."
"No," she replied bitterly, vigorously stirring her tea. "It depends on what you mean by WORK".
I am embarrassed to confess I would secretly love to be an MP. 


The bar of entry is low: it appears to be opposable thumbs, binocular vision and an ability to walk upright; and I’m not sure about that last one. If ndivuduals with spectacularly modest academic achievements can find work there, it should be a walk in the park for me.

The pay is stellar. Many of my friends tell me that money can’t buy happiness. Not only do I suspect the validity of this pragma, as it is invariably beheld by those of finite means, but also as a man of science I would like to verify this empirically.. The demands on the brain are modest – many of the incumbents can boast brains in pristine state, having yet to find a use for them since swearing in.
The chief responsibility appears to be talking. What is said does not matter, nor does it need to be coherent. Nor, for that matter, does it need to make sense. In fact, contradiction seems to be the order of the day. How else can one explain an MP saying "We must say no to the politics of tribalism and unite as one Kenya" and in the same speech later say "We must unite as a community and vote as one"?
Rationality and common sense are not binding. It takes a leap of some magnitude to counter a VIDEO clip of one in full cry with "I am being misquoted".
You can be an MP of a constituency, ostensibly to champion the interests of the residents and help them with their problems and yet spend your entire term resident in Runda, never setting foot in your constituency.
Just to make sure your brain does not suffer any wear and tear, before expressing thoughts and opinions you must consult your political party first for direction on what to think.
And even in this fraternity of those with an acute disinclination to work who prefer a state of rest, there are still opportunities to do even less. Should I get sworn in I will treat the Parliamentary Accounts Committee and the Public Investments Committee with disdain. The Security Committee will not have my mind and body. The committee I wish to join that does work of National Importance is the Catering Committee.
It is pity that the new Constitution says MPs cannot be Ministers, and the ministries themselves are capped. Had this avenue been open I would have offered my humble services to the Commander In Chief of the Armed Forces, Teacher, Farmer, Sailor and Athlete Number One not as Finance, Internal Security or Health Minister. My vision is much grander. I have my eye on the powerful and relevant Ministry of Vocational Training.
Indeed. I would not mind being an MP at all.

8 thoughts on “Why I Want To Be An MP”

  1. Just afew months ago, KDF was potrayed by all and sundry know it all middle class as some lazy overpaid good for nothing careerists. When they moved into Somalia they showed the world what that proffessionalism and excellence is not the preserve of the so called first world. It is trendy in this country to redicule certain institutions especially by the media and sissies who went to certain colleges. I have experience in both institutions…military and legislature and can tell you you’re making a fool of yourselves like you did on the military. There are quiet patriots in this country.

  2. Love them or loathe them MPs and politicians are with us to stay. Like ticks on cows and fleas on dogs or even the bacteria that live in our guts the MPs and politicians are parasites who given a chance would eventually kill off their hosts.

  3. Just rediscovered you, after more than a year of not reading. Still brilliant. And you have Cartman on your header? [insert sycophantic omgs, i-love-yous and wows here]
    Too long since you last posted, though :/

  4. You have hit head on the nail. But we deserve better MPs. May be thats the wrong word, we dream of better MPs. We seem to have some Hopefully our ministers will not be a recycle of failed systems.

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