tHiNkEr’S rOoM

Running through my list of RSS subscriptions this fine morning I came across this gem that precipitated me on the forked path leading to laughter and tears:

Several computers containing the results of the referendum Zelaya wanted to conduct are seized at the Presidential Palace

That’s right. Results of the referendum the president wanted to conduct; i.e. said referendum had not been conducted yet and yet there were results. Does that remind you of an occasion when Government helpfully voted for its citizens in a past election with impressive turnouts of up to 120% of the voting republic?

Methinks government at times takes its dedication to helping the public to its illogical extreme. Voting for the public, by and large, is a no-no!

I am a Safaricom customer, and to be precise, a Safaricom postpaid customer. I have two lines, my main phone line and a data line for surfing. Every month I pay about 9,000 bob between the two lines to Michael Joseph and his merry men. Why am I on Safaricom? A number of reasons, the top two being the company I work for is a Safaricom partner and it won’t do to call a Safaricom partner on a Zain/Yu/Orange line, and the other reason is that changing my number will give me more grief than I care to imagine.

The mechanics are simple. As a postpaid customer I have signed a contract (two actually, one per line) binding me and my soul to Michael Joseph for the next calendar year.

What I failed to realize is that there is an official motto within Safaricom that states the following:

Postpaid customers are irritants. They are the stuff you find between your toes after a hard day of ploughing and tilling the fields

Why? Because being a postpaid customer is an endless series of grief.

1. You get two or three threatening SMS messages a month to settle your bill, whether or not you have paid
2. You get your bills, generally two or three months late, with an absurd disclaimer “ignore this bill if you have already paid”
3. You need to write a letter to do pretty much anything. I left a customer care lady talking to herself when she informed me that I needed to write a letter to them to sign up for M-Pesa. Well, you can S-Mother your L-Etters and S-Hove them S-Omewhere the S-Un don’t S-hine
4. Absolutely raw deals in all the promotions that Safaricom offers

That last one is what I find HUGELY irritating. Why should postpaid customers be short changed? Isn’t our money legal tender? Look at the Jibambie promotion. The rate postpaid customers got was a shilling higher than that of pre-paid customers. Absolute bullshit. And in several capmaigns,postpaid customers are not eligible.

Here is the latest promotion I received in my email

Good morning,

Safaricom is pleased to announce the Niko na Safaricom “Get 50% extra airtime Top up Promotion” where subscribers will get 50% extra FREE airtime on all top-ups of Ksh 50 to Ksh 1000 e.g. Top-up Bamba 50 get 75/- airtime, Bamba 100 get 150…… 1000 get 1500/-

Promotion Mechanics: 

• ALL top-ups during the promotion period, from Ksh 50 to Ksh 1000 using scratch-cards, electronic vouchers (EAD), ATM qualify for the discount.
• You must top-up with Ksh 50 or more in one-go to qualify e.g. 3 Bamba 20 top-ups will not qualify
• Promotion runs from 0600hrs to 2359hrs on Wednesday 15th July 2009.

Note:

• MPESA top-ups and Sambaza DO NOT qualify
• Offer available on all PrePay tariffs i.e. Ongea, Safari, Super Taifa and Staff Tariffs only
• The extra airtime will carry the same validity as the normal airtime
• The credit can be used to make both off-net and on-net calls/SMS and browse the Internet.

Subscribers can top-up as many times during the promotion. Each top-up of Ksh 50 or more will receive the bonus airtime.

Kind regards

*******

Well the hell with you and the Horse you rode in on.

I am dying to know the good reason that I am sure exists why I am not eligible to participate in this offer. Clearly postpaid customers hawakao na Safaricom. Are we on Zain and yet don’t know about it?

I wrote back immediately demanding to know the basis behind this absurd discrimination. Knowing their ostrich strategy when dealing with customers, I’ll be surprised if I got a response.

Complacent indeed is the company that keeps giving its customers the middle finger.

The rationale behind sending our 200+ MPs to coast on some amorphous retreat ranks right up mystifies me. Completely.

I mean, let’s do some guesstimations.

There are about 210 Muppets MPs. I doubt any of these pillars of integrity will be spending two nights in a tent. Nor will they stay in a rustic bed and breakfast. These good people will expect 5, and of possible. 6 star treatment. Let’s say a room of prerequisite level of luxury, with meals is about 15,000 a night. So, for two nights the budget for the 210 Trolls MPs is 210 * 15,000 * 2 = 6,300,000.

Six million bob!

Now, we also need to get these wastrels MPs there. I don’t see them volunteering to take a Mash Auto or Coast Bus. So we will need to fly them there. A return ticket, according the Kenya Airways site, is 144$ which is about 11,520. For 210 golliwogs MPs that equates to 2,419,200.

MPs have long been accustomed to the term ‘per-diem’ and even say it in their sleep. Let us say they get 100 bucks to piss away spend wisely in case of emergencies. So for 210 garden gnomes MPs that would be 1,680,000.

And finally, they will no doubt need some sort of media kit – pens, writing pads, etc for them to purport to look busy while in fact sleeping soundly/ texting knowledgeable locals about where to find action learn.

This brings the total expenses to be about 10,399,200.

Ten million shillings.

Now the popular defence is that the UNDP is picking up the tab. This is bullshit for several reasons

• The UN gets is money from taxpayers all over the world. Someone’s money is being pissed away either way
• MPs can presumably speak and understand English in Nairobi (though I cannot vouch for this)
• There are many many more pressing needs that require funding – looming famine, internally displaced Kenyans, victims of various fires

This ten million shillings is just being pissed away for no good reason. It makes no fiscal sense.

If it is in someone’s KPIs at the UNDP to piss away perfectly good money spend money and this is their way of appeasing the bean counters, I feel sorry for that institution. If they really want to piss away those funds, let them have the meeting in Nairobi and donate the excess funds to various initiatives to support the various initiatives in need to support, such as feeding the hungry or settling and supporting the IDPs.

It speaks volumes that the UNDP is willing to piss away money during a global recession!

24 Hour baking and immediate cheque clearing is long overdue.

Cholmondley’s sentence could have been passed much earlier.

Twitter me for byte sized wisdom : twitter.com/roomthinker

You can’t make this stuff up.

The animal stared at him suggestively? Riiight!

I was in Othaya for a few days on official duty. It was an interesting experience. One of my first encounters was with a large animal of the bovine persuasion who attempted to tell me something. I could not understand a thing the animal was saying.

I’ve only just translated it with some help from some government official who speaks among other things, pure ass.

Suddenly, a lot makes sense!

AOB

Tomorrow is a day of great significance. More on that as it develops

I responded heartily to the first message

Dear Rita, Do not give a second’s thought to my moral ethics. And my personal life is not being disturbed at all. With regards to privacy dear Rita, rest assured that I will treat your correspondence with the trust it deserves.

I’m happy to hear that you are a serious minded person! What a coincidence! Why so am I!

I’m sorry to hear about Gary and his passing away after that brief illness. It’s too bad the two of you were not able to do your bit to multiply and fill the earth.

I’m even sorrier about the cancer. It would seem the decks are stacked against you indeed! Which cancer is it? I had a cousin who had cancer of the rectum. I know, it smelt fishy to us too!

And on top of all this you have a stroke too! Goodness me! Is there anything that you don’t have? Housemaid’s Knee perhaps! When it rains it pours, doesn’t it?

I’m very pleased that you have chosen me to help you reduce the money to manageable levels. I too have several charities that I support, and the biggest one is called Numero Uno. Numero Uno needs funds to buy food, clothing, cultlery and crockery and general upkeep. I have been supporting this charity for a while and it has been rough going.

Blessed indeed  is the hand that giveth. I assure you that you will get what’s coming to you after all the giving you are doing.

I’m glad you will not share the funds with you husband’s relatives who are not Christians. After all, Jesus told the people to cast the first sheep. Or was it stone?

Your difficult decision is one I appreciate, and i am happy that you are not taking phone calls because I have lost my voice.

I would very much love to help you dispose of those funds. Believe me.

With Christians like you – what more do we need?

Please let me know how I can send you my details.

Regards

Herr Andarweah

I generally get a proliferation of letters from Nigerians/Sierra Leoneans/Cameroonians offering me a handsome cut of profits. I have ignored them all without fail. But one day I thought … why not answer one and see what happens? Strap yourself in and enjoy

Mrs. Rita Williams
49 Featherstone Street
London EC1Y 8SY
United Kingdom

Dear Beloved One,

I apologize if the contents in this mail are contrary to your moral ethics which I feel
may be of great disturbance to your personal life, but I feel quite safe dealing with
you.Though this medium (Internet) has been greatly abused,I choose to reach you
through it because it remains the fastest,surest and most secured medium of communication.
However, this correspondence is purely private, and it should be treated as such.
I am contacting you based on trust and confidentiality.

I have reposed higher confidence in your ability to handle this matter perfectly
for my sake. I am serious minded person. I am the above named person from Liberia.
I am married to Mr. Gary Williams who worked with Embassy here in London for nine
years before he died in the year 2003. We were married for eleven years without a
child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days. Before his
death we were both born again christian.Since his death I decided not to re-marry
or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against.When my late
husband was alive he deposited the sum of $6.Million (Six Million U.S. Dollars) in
a financial Vault.Presently, this money is still in a financial Vault.Recently, my
Doctor told me that I would not last for the next Eight months due to cancer problem.

The one that disturbs me most is mystroke sickness. Having known my condition I
decided to keep this fund in the vault. I want an organization or an individual that will
use this fund for orphanages, widows, propagating the word of God and to
endeavour that the house of God is maintained. The Bible made us to understand that
Blessed is the hand that giveth. I took this decision because I don’t have any child that
will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not Christians and I don’t want my husbands
efforts to be used by unbelievers. I don’t want a situation where this money will be used in an
ungodly way.

This is why I am taking this decision. I am not afraid of death hence I know where
I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord, Exodus 14 VS 14
says that the Lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace. I don’t need any
telephone communication in this regard because of my health hence the presence of
my husband’s relatives around me always. I don’t want them to know about this
development.

With God all things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply I shall contact my lawyer to
do the normal process to enable the bank commence the release Your information as follows are
needed to proceed.

1. Your full name
2. Your complete postal address
3. Your private telephone number
4. Your private fax number if any
5. Your age
6. Your accupation

My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian. Whoever that wants to serve the Lord
must serve him in spirit and truth. Please always be prayerful all through your life. Any delay in your
reply will give me room in sourcing another person for this same purpose.

Please assure me that you will act  accordingly as I stated herein.

Hoping to receive your reply and Remain blessed in the Lord.

Your’s faithfully,

Mrs. Rita Williams