Contrary to popular belief, I am not one of these. I have Job-like patience on our roads. I keep my cool 11 times out of 10. Unless of course some misinformed jackass attempts to overlap and then try and force an entry before me.

This I will refuse on principle.

But I digress.

A good friend of mine, who we’ll call Abel, does have a road rage problem. He further has a rather unique way to deal with errant motorists who cut him off or hoot at him. He especially hates being hooted at.

If you hoot at Abel while within earshot, the following will happen.

The composed mien, smile of bonhomie modeled on Santa Claus and air of reserve go straight out the window.

Like Stevenson’s Mr. Hyde, Abel will emerge from his Mitsubishi wild of eye and disheveled of hair. His right fist will be wrapped around the handle of those Somali swords peddled by shifty eyed swarthy gentlemen in Eastleigh and its environs where the Kenya Police Service subcontracts security.

His left hand will be wrapped around the end a beautifully engraved cane that looks too elaborate to actually discharge its duties.

Vein pulsing in his forehead, and lower jaw jutting threateningly outwards, Abel will seek out the errant hooter. He will leave his engine running and his door flapping pathetically open in his determination.

The hooter, shocked at first and then descending into a panic will look around frantically for escape. Seeing none, the hooter will do the next best thing and roll up the window.

In no time Abel will be at the window. Things will develop as follows

1. If you hooted, Abel will knock on your closed window with the end of the cane and smile encouragingly for you to open
2. If you cut him off Abel will knock with the haft of the sword, and smile encouragingly

When I say “smile encouragingly” I do not mean that smile of SpongeBob Squarepants or Johnny Bravo.

That is the smile Abel intends to smile. What comes out is that of Chucky or Samuel L Jackson when he is in a bad mood.

Things invariably get very tense.

Reliable witnesses have informed me of grown men depositing their digested lunch in their cotton undergarments in the presence of a wild eyed man who clearly means business.

I once witnessed Abel very casually informing a terrified matatu driver that the next time he (the driver) cut him (Abel) off, he (Abel) would slice the soles of his (the driver) feet into tiny boxes that he will proceed to feed to his (Abel) cat.

This no doubt is a later refinement of filet of sole.

Just last month en route to his Church where he leads worship sessions, Abel encountered another errant matatu driver.

As his friend and mentor even I quaked as I heard Abel cheerfully inform the catatonic matatu driver that the next time he (the driver) cut him (Abel) off, he (Abel) would locate his (the driver) children and eat them with lettuce and a nice Chianti, with strawberries in sherbet for dessert.

Never a man for empty threats, Abel then leaves his mark. This ranges from a scratch on the paint from his sword to hacking off the radio aerial. Mutual friends inform me of a particularly intense event where a matatu not only cut him off but dented his fender and the driver gave a speechless Abel the finger.

Well, that vehicle had its side mirrors lopped off in two clean strokes from Abel’s sword as stunned onlookers watched.

Likely having never read Henry IV, the matatu driver arrived at the same conclusion about discretion being the better part of valour and effected a speedy exit through the window on the passenger’s side and disappeared into the night like an MP’s common sense.

And so friends, try not to overlap. You might cut off Abel. Then you will get the full Cane experience!

I stand unsure whether to weep or laugh at the absurdity of Kenyans celebrating the return of possible perpetrators of the election violence. These same Kenyans for some reason don’t give a rat’s ass about the victims who lost family, friends, property, homes and livelihoods!

Please, using well annotated diagrams, in which parallel universe to we celebrate the perpetrators and not the victims?

Yes, my entire torso is covered with bird seed, chicken droppings and feathers. This is because I preferred to lie face down in a chicken coop that accommodates six dozen chicken suffering from acute diarrhoea than have to listen to another second of blasted ‘Live Coverage’ of windbags returning to the country.

I am forced to conclude that the media’s insistence on perpetuating this farce is a start reminder that perhaps the media is missing among the Ocampo 6.

Helping broadcast innuendo, tribalism and hate speech as far as I am concerned makes the media just as guilty as the perpetrators.

And to add insult to injury these guys are being covered in such detail I am reminded of a movie I heard in some obscure movie

Your head is so far up his arse you can see daylight

I mean, c’mon! Media has a responsibility to the people of this great country.

How I wish for a vibrant, responsible media with the brass cojones to collectively decide:

You know what? This story is fracturing this country right down the middle. As patriots and fellow citizens we refuse to participate in this.

But no. We are getting blow by blow description of the very personifications of impunity. It is just a matter of time before we hear

And after that colossal dump, His Excellency {bleep} {bleep} has now proceeded to wipe his backside with Rosy (2 Ply) in pink. He will then flush the toilet, belch and walk over to the corner where his discarded, slightly soiled y-fronts lie

Journalism indeed.

My resolve in relocating to the farm and spending happy periods in the presence of belching and farting bovines grows stronger as I listen to KBC talk about these Muppets as ‘heroes’. As my good friend David would say

Dude.

WTF

In preparation for my move I am quite simply boycotting any local media I see happily rushing this country to it’s doom.

Starting with

Citizen TV

The Standard

KBC

KTN

Capital FM

K24

Quite simply I am going to boycott these media houses in every way, shape and form. This includes

• Not buying their newspapers
• Not watching their broadcasts
• Not wrapping chips in their newspapers
• Not polishing my shoes with their newspapers
• Not cleaning my windows with their newspapers
• Not wrapping meat with their newspapers
• Not expressing amazement at their stunning range of Mexican Soaps

I’m hoping many of us will follow suit. They will definitely hurt if enough of us do this.

Given a newspaper is 40 bob, and I buy two every day, in a week that is 200 bob and in 53 weeks that is 10,600/-

Suppose just a million of us refused to buy the Standard for a year. That would be 10,600,000,000.

That they will feel.

Or if we refused to watch KTN/Citizen/KBC.

And the nail on the coffin – no eyeballs – no advertising. No advertiser will advertise with them.

Is it just me who is seeing the parallels between what is happening here and what happened before Rwanda exploded?

What say you?

Stop The Madness. #isupportocampo6mediablackout

Her Diary

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, ‘Nothing.’ I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me,and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’ When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him
completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary

Arsenal lost!

Several computers containing the results of the referendum Zelaya wanted to conduct are seized at the Presidential Palace

That’s right. Results of the referendum the president wanted to conduct; i.e. said referendum had not been conducted yet and yet there were results. Does that remind you of an occasion when Government helpfully voted for its citizens in a past election with impressive turnouts of up to 120% of the voting republic?

Methinks government at times takes its dedication to helping the public to its illogical extreme. Voting for the public, by and large, is a no-no!

The mechanics are simple. As a postpaid customer I have signed a contract (two actually, one per line) binding me and my soul to Michael Joseph for the next calendar year.

What I failed to realize is that there is an official motto within Safaricom that states the following:

Postpaid customers are irritants. They are the stuff you find between your toes after a hard day of ploughing and tilling the fields

Why? Because being a postpaid customer is an endless series of grief.

1. You get two or three threatening SMS messages a month to settle your bill, whether or not you have paid
2. You get your bills, generally two or three months late, with an absurd disclaimer “ignore this bill if you have already paid”
3. You need to write a letter to do pretty much anything. I left a customer care lady talking to herself when she informed me that I needed to write a letter to them to sign up for M-Pesa. Well, you can S-Mother your L-Etters and S-Hove them S-Omewhere the S-Un don’t S-hine
4. Absolutely raw deals in all the promotions that Safaricom offers

That last one is what I find HUGELY irritating. Why should postpaid customers be short changed? Isn’t our money legal tender? Look at the Jibambie promotion. The rate postpaid customers got was a shilling higher than that of pre-paid customers. Absolute bullshit. And in several capmaigns,postpaid customers are not eligible.

Here is the latest promotion I received in my email

Good morning,

Safaricom is pleased to announce the Niko na Safaricom “Get 50% extra airtime Top up Promotion” where subscribers will get 50% extra FREE airtime on all top-ups of Ksh 50 to Ksh 1000 e.g. Top-up Bamba 50 get 75/- airtime, Bamba 100 get 150…… 1000 get 1500/-

Promotion Mechanics: 

• ALL top-ups during the promotion period, from Ksh 50 to Ksh 1000 using scratch-cards, electronic vouchers (EAD), ATM qualify for the discount.
• You must top-up with Ksh 50 or more in one-go to qualify e.g. 3 Bamba 20 top-ups will not qualify
• Promotion runs from 0600hrs to 2359hrs on Wednesday 15th July 2009.

Note:

• MPESA top-ups and Sambaza DO NOT qualify
• Offer available on all PrePay tariffs i.e. Ongea, Safari, Super Taifa and Staff Tariffs only
• The extra airtime will carry the same validity as the normal airtime
• The credit can be used to make both off-net and on-net calls/SMS and browse the Internet.

Subscribers can top-up as many times during the promotion. Each top-up of Ksh 50 or more will receive the bonus airtime.

Kind regards

*******

Well the hell with you and the Horse you rode in on.

I am dying to know the good reason that I am sure exists why I am not eligible to participate in this offer. Clearly postpaid customers hawakao na Safaricom. Are we on Zain and yet don’t know about it?

I wrote back immediately demanding to know the basis behind this absurd discrimination. Knowing their ostrich strategy when dealing with customers, I’ll be surprised if I got a response.

Complacent indeed is the company that keeps giving its customers the middle finger.

I mean, let’s do some guesstimations.

There are about 210 Muppets MPs. I doubt any of these pillars of integrity will be spending two nights in a tent. Nor will they stay in a rustic bed and breakfast. These good people will expect 5, and of possible. 6 star treatment. Let’s say a room of prerequisite level of luxury, with meals is about 15,000 a night. So, for two nights the budget for the 210 Trolls MPs is 210 * 15,000 * 2 = 6,300,000.

Six million bob!

Now, we also need to get these wastrels MPs there. I don’t see them volunteering to take a Mash Auto or Coast Bus. So we will need to fly them there. A return ticket, according the Kenya Airways site, is 144$ which is about 11,520. For 210 golliwogs MPs that equates to 2,419,200.

MPs have long been accustomed to the term ‘per-diem’ and even say it in their sleep. Let us say they get 100 bucks to piss away spend wisely in case of emergencies. So for 210 garden gnomes MPs that would be 1,680,000.

And finally, they will no doubt need some sort of media kit – pens, writing pads, etc for them to purport to look busy while in fact sleeping soundly/ texting knowledgeable locals about where to find action learn.

This brings the total expenses to be about 10,399,200.

Ten million shillings.

Now the popular defence is that the UNDP is picking up the tab. This is bullshit for several reasons

• The UN gets is money from taxpayers all over the world. Someone’s money is being pissed away either way
• MPs can presumably speak and understand English in Nairobi (though I cannot vouch for this)
• There are many many more pressing needs that require funding – looming famine, internally displaced Kenyans, victims of various fires

This ten million shillings is just being pissed away for no good reason. It makes no fiscal sense.

If it is in someone’s KPIs at the UNDP to piss away perfectly good money spend money and this is their way of appeasing the bean counters, I feel sorry for that institution. If they really want to piss away those funds, let them have the meeting in Nairobi and donate the excess funds to various initiatives to support the various initiatives in need to support, such as feeding the hungry or settling and supporting the IDPs.

It speaks volumes that the UNDP is willing to piss away money during a global recession!

Cholmondley’s sentence could have been passed much earlier.

Twitter me for byte sized wisdom : twitter.com/roomthinker

You can’t make this stuff up.

The animal stared at him suggestively? Riiight!

I’ve only just translated it with some help from some government official who speaks among other things, pure ass.

Suddenly, a lot makes sense!

AOB

Tomorrow is a day of great significance. More on that as it develops :)