You can’t make this stuff up.

The animal stared at him suggestively? Riiight!

I was in Othaya for a few days on official duty. It was an interesting experience. One of my first encounters was with a large animal of the bovine persuasion who attempted to tell me something. I could not understand a thing the animal was saying.

I’ve only just translated it with some help from some government official who speaks among other things, pure ass.

Suddenly, a lot makes sense!

AOB

Tomorrow is a day of great significance. More on that as it develops :)

I responded heartily to the first message

Dear Rita, Do not give a second’s thought to my moral ethics. And my personal life is not being disturbed at all. With regards to privacy dear Rita, rest assured that I will treat your correspondence with the trust it deserves.

I’m happy to hear that you are a serious minded person! What a coincidence! Why so am I!

I’m sorry to hear about Gary and his passing away after that brief illness. It’s too bad the two of you were not able to do your bit to multiply and fill the earth.

I’m even sorrier about the cancer. It would seem the decks are stacked against you indeed! Which cancer is it? I had a cousin who had cancer of the rectum. I know, it smelt fishy to us too!

And on top of all this you have a stroke too! Goodness me! Is there anything that you don’t have? Housemaid’s Knee perhaps! When it rains it pours, doesn’t it?

I’m very pleased that you have chosen me to help you reduce the money to manageable levels. I too have several charities that I support, and the biggest one is called Numero Uno. Numero Uno needs funds to buy food, clothing, cultlery and crockery and general upkeep. I have been supporting this charity for a while and it has been rough going.

Blessed indeed  is the hand that giveth. I assure you that you will get what’s coming to you after all the giving you are doing.

I’m glad you will not share the funds with you husband’s relatives who are not Christians. After all, Jesus told the people to cast the first sheep. Or was it stone?

Your difficult decision is one I appreciate, and i am happy that you are not taking phone calls because I have lost my voice.

I would very much love to help you dispose of those funds. Believe me.

With Christians like you – what more do we need?

Please let me know how I can send you my details.

Regards

Herr Andarweah

I generally get a proliferation of letters from Nigerians/Sierra Leoneans/Cameroonians offering me a handsome cut of profits. I have ignored them all without fail. But one day I thought … why not answer one and see what happens? Strap yourself in and enjoy

Mrs. Rita Williams
49 Featherstone Street
London EC1Y 8SY
United Kingdom

Dear Beloved One,

I apologize if the contents in this mail are contrary to your moral ethics which I feel
may be of great disturbance to your personal life, but I feel quite safe dealing with
you.Though this medium (Internet) has been greatly abused,I choose to reach you
through it because it remains the fastest,surest and most secured medium of communication.
However, this correspondence is purely private, and it should be treated as such.
I am contacting you based on trust and confidentiality.

I have reposed higher confidence in your ability to handle this matter perfectly
for my sake. I am serious minded person. I am the above named person from Liberia.
I am married to Mr. Gary Williams who worked with Embassy here in London for nine
years before he died in the year 2003. We were married for eleven years without a
child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days. Before his
death we were both born again christian.Since his death I decided not to re-marry
or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against.When my late
husband was alive he deposited the sum of $6.Million (Six Million U.S. Dollars) in
a financial Vault.Presently, this money is still in a financial Vault.Recently, my
Doctor told me that I would not last for the next Eight months due to cancer problem.

The one that disturbs me most is mystroke sickness. Having known my condition I
decided to keep this fund in the vault. I want an organization or an individual that will
use this fund for orphanages, widows, propagating the word of God and to
endeavour that the house of God is maintained. The Bible made us to understand that
Blessed is the hand that giveth. I took this decision because I don’t have any child that
will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not Christians and I don’t want my husbands
efforts to be used by unbelievers. I don’t want a situation where this money will be used in an
ungodly way.

This is why I am taking this decision. I am not afraid of death hence I know where
I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord, Exodus 14 VS 14
says that the Lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace. I don’t need any
telephone communication in this regard because of my health hence the presence of
my husband’s relatives around me always. I don’t want them to know about this
development.

With God all things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply I shall contact my lawyer to
do the normal process to enable the bank commence the release Your information as follows are
needed to proceed.

1. Your full name
2. Your complete postal address
3. Your private telephone number
4. Your private fax number if any
5. Your age
6. Your accupation

My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian. Whoever that wants to serve the Lord
must serve him in spirit and truth. Please always be prayerful all through your life. Any delay in your
reply will give me room in sourcing another person for this same purpose.

Please assure me that you will act  accordingly as I stated herein.

Hoping to receive your reply and Remain blessed in the Lord.

Your’s faithfully,

Mrs. Rita Williams

Presidential Media analysis follows:

If one could lip read…

Kibaki: “Hizo mawezere wezere wezere wezere ….”
Karua: I beg your pardon?!
Kibaki: Bloody bure! I was just singing to myself
Mwakwere: Are you from Coast?
Marende: Order! Order! Any member can sing if he is feeling sufficiently philanthropic!
Kalonzo: It’s like I was telling my constituents the other day. A country is like an eighteen wheeled lorry painted green with “Rough Riders: Ride Or Die” painted on the rear windscreen with a colobus monkey, a banana and a rabbi in the front seat  …
Charity: And?
Kalonzo: I forget at this point the point I was trying to make. But it was very important!
Mutula: Not as important as my proposal. I propose all roads be expanded as follows: One lane for the president, one for the prime minister, one for cabinet members, one for the police and fire brigade, one for left handed people, one for right handed people, one for people under 6 feet, one for people over six feet, one for people who watch Tyra and one for people who watch Oprah. I also propose that all roundabouts be expanded with smaller roundabouts being put inside the larger roundabouts.
Nyongo: (Sarcastically) Indeed.
Kimunya: If I may speak…
Ntimama: Quick! Someone please check that the chambers have not been sold to the Libyans!
Mwakwere: Are Libyans from Coast?
Bifwoli: Are we been served tea in this meeting?
Ruto: You and food!
Bifwoli: (Indignantly) Me? ME?! Look at you! You are covered by a very thin film of a powdery substance ….
Ruto: It is NOT maize flour! Besides, is it a crime to wallow, roll and swim in maize?
Bifwoli: Well ….
Kiraitu: Pff! Krrkmmzz. Grrggnnn
Bishop: Glowreh! Someone please help that Son of God from choking. Glowreh!
Karua: He’s not choking. He’s laughing
Nkaiserry: Is it just me or does someone here smell powerfully of diesel?
Kiraitu: Can you ngo srow on this matter. I don’t have anything to do with the fuel shortage
Sambili: Can we focus my friends. We have a crisis in Kenyan football.
Raila: You know, football is like a game of football.
Magara: Hear hear!
Poghisho: Focus everyone. Can we discuss the Hague?
Mwakwere: Bless you
Poghisho: But I’ve not sneezed
Mwakwere: Sorry. Go on
Pohgnisho: Should we support the Hague…
Mwakwere: Bless you! Is there a flu epidemic in the house?
(Ngilu whispers in his ear)
Mwakwere: Oh! The Hague! I get you, I get you. Is it in Coast?
Mungatana: Let us discuss critical issues affecting the country. Did you know that GTV folded last week and I had paid for 3 months in advance!
Raila: Who is Mungatana???
Ngilu: Can Saitoti have a written statement delivered to our offices by tomorrow on this matter?
Saitoti: There come a time! There come a time!
Nyongo: Tell it to the birds
Saitoti: Garment takes it very seriously…
Bishop: Government you mean
Saitoti:That’s what I said. Garment.
Mwiria: Can the Minister for Tourism explain why it cost the treasury 20 million for the President to go to the Mara? Outrageous!
Balala: The Honourable member is speaking from a position of disinformation. The president did not actually go to the Mara. We flew all the Rhinoceroses (or Rhinoceri if you prefer), Hippos (or hippi), Lions (or Lioni), buffalos (or buffali), Elephants (or Elephanti), impala (or impali), camels (cameli) and assorted birds TO the president. Mohammed and the mountain of you get me.  Flights cost money, especially since some of us are storing fuel in a manner likely to suggest resale at a future date for an exaggerated markup. The flights are catered and you know how camels drink!
Ruto: Exactly. In fact maize was served on that flight!
Balala: (Modestly) My ministry was also able to move a river and a small lake
Mwakwere: If I may ask a question…
Nyongo: (Irritably) Are you going to ask if Balala is from coast?
Mwakwere: No
Nyongo: Good
Mwakwere: Are hippos from coast?
Kiunjuri: If we might turn our attentions to the tisha strike.
Beth: The what?
Kiunjuri: The tisha strike.
Beth: What is that?
Kiunjuri: My esteemed colleague seems to be wallowing in a fetid morass or ignorance if she is unaware that those of the noble profession entrusted with imparting knowledge to our youngsters have downed their tools in a sustained campaign for improved remuneration. There is a tisha strike.
Wetangula: You people missed history being made! When i was in America ….
Bifwoli: Uuuuuuwi! Uuuuuuwi! Wetangula is a tiktater! Wetangula is a titkater!
Marende: Order! Order! If Wetangula is feeling sufficiently philanthropic to go to America
Mwiria: And watch the inauguration from the top of a tree ….
Wetangula: That is neither here nor there. The fact is I watched it live.
Magara:We need to investigate if the Obama inauguration was in fact live!
Namwamba: Lucy Kibaki is the director of Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae. And Enron. And BCCI. In fact it’s no coincidence if you take the fourth letter of Hitler and add U, C and Y. Try it! Shocking stuff! A scandal!
Kibaki: Bloody bure! I’m making some changes. From now on you call me either Mr President or The Emilio. In two weeks one of you will be fired.
Bifwoli: Where’s our usual cup of tea?
Ruto: I have made arrangements with … er … a catering company that will be providing us with maize porridge until the next election.
Uhuru: My colleagues, the economic crunch is getting biting. Nowadays I am forced to share the same car as my driver! Outrageous!
Kalonzo: Given that Button Moon is about to come on in the next half hour I beg of us to close this meeting and our allowances to be paid.

Raul further said that contrary to popular belief, he was not, had never been and did not plan to be Zorro.

Only a particularly slow individual would be surprised at the news that Amos Kimunya is back in cabinet! After all, I even drew a diagram explaining how things work in this neck of the woods. Reacquaint yourself with it at your convenience.

Thought Of The Day

Americas cried as they watched their president being sworn in. Kenyans wept as they watched theirs

Pic Of The Day