I say this because such a lifestyle is infinitely more pleasurable to the absurdity that is the farce of the ICC circus.

Concerned friends thought I was simultaneously having a stroke and a powerful bout of diarrhoea as I took in the sight of Uhuru Kenyatta and William Ruto in a stadium in Nakuru being cheered on by thousands, some of whom invariably lost family in Nakuru. As a great man once asked succinctly, “Dude – WTF?”

Other concerned friends confiscated all the sharp objects around me as I digested the news that 40+ MPs, whose responsibility is making laws and looking after the interests of their constituents were electing to abdicate this responsibility to travel as paid windbags to the Hague, ostensibly in solidarity with the six. How, for goodness sake does this happen? Why aren’t these muppets in solidarity with the internally displaced?

Who will pay for these tickets? Let us assume that a return ticket is 180,000. For 40 windbags this is a travel budget of 7,200,000. Yes sir, 7.2 million iron men being wasted. We are yet to even think about accommodation, transport and meals for the 6 Alis Baba and their 40 appropriators of wealth that is not strictly speaking theirs.

I can just imagine the cumulative effect of these 40 idlers on the Dutch populace who have never seen professional time wasters in person.

One cannot talk about this matter without touching on His Excellency Stephen Kalonzo Muskoka. I had the misfortune of meeting him the other day during some innocuous event. He said to me “Good morning” and dear reader I must confess at the time to being unable to believe even those words that came out of his lips.

I wonder if there is anyone, besides his loving wife that takes that gentleman seriously (and even that is speculation).

This man has been flying around in shitshuttle diplomacy to convince other countries to back the deferral of the ICC case.

The realization that this government has probably done more to assist the Ocampo 6 than it has for the IDP victims makes me want to expand my KPIs at the farm to stripping down to boxers and wrestling with fat, greasy pigs every morning in an attempt to exercise them.

This past Sunday in a gratuitous charade of theatre show of emotion Uhuru Kenyatta’s tearful mother blessed her son and William Ruto and accused colonialists of the troubles befalling her offspring.

It is pure speculation that she later wondered why hungry people unable to get bread were not eating chocolate biscuits.

My life flashed before my eyes as the porridge I was drinking went down the wrong way and threatened to kill me when Mrs. Kenyatta promised to write a bestseller detailing modern colonialism in this country.

This reminds me of the time a some indignant hyenas and lions promised an assorted pack of wildebeest, kudu, gazelles and buffalo to write a tell all expose on dangerous carnivores in the Masai Mara.

But let us return the the matter at hand and look at the famous 6

William Ruto, aka The Corn Man

Todate William Ruto has been unable to shake off the powdery white substance that looks remarkably like flour that enveloped him while he was custodian of the country’s Agriculture ministry.

There has been intense speculation over the past few years that William has a ‘tell’ such that it is possible to know when he is lying. The tell apparently is that his lips move.

Brigadier General Hussein Ali, aka the Postmaster

Good old Brigadier Ali is called the Postmaster for the excellent reason that he is the Postmaster.

The Brigadier probably bitterly regrets ever picking up the phone and taking instructions from his Commander In Chief to nip in the bud an army career to come and run the police force.

Todate he is still stamping out crime, but in denominations of 20 shillings

Ambassador Francis Muthaura, aka Ambassador Francis Muthaura

Some small boys I regularly play football with expressed surprise when I corrected them by informing them that ‘Ambassador’ was not actually his first name.

Uhuru Kenyatta, aka AKA

Anyone with an appreciation of timber furniture especially tables would do well to be wary of this gentleman, who has a penchant for banging tables in anger. Uhuru Kenyatta is a man whom at some level I admire. Anyone who can see no contradiction between advocating for togetherness of Kenyans as a people while simultaneously speaking in vernacular and threatening those unwilling to toe the line is to be admired.

Henry Kosgey, aka The G-Man

Henry Kosgey, commonly referred to as the dinosaur of Kenyan politics is a man whose chief claim to fame is an unwillingness to use the letter C. This naturally greates a guagmire for segretaries taging digtation

Joshua Arap Sang, aka News In Brief

Arap Sang, a diminutive journalist invariably is known to many as “Habari Kwa Ufupi”. Arap Sang has cultivated my personal admiration in his attempts to get out of having to go to the Hague. Hampered by a lack of wealth like his fellow 6 he has been forced to

1. Write shamelessly to the ICC that he, a trained and professional journalist, suddenly finds it difficult to communicate in English
2. Write again to the ICC to request funds for his transport and accommodation. Nothing fancy, you understand

He has also, impressively within the same week managed to break his arm.

This is bound to be an interesting week!

This link,  http://news.saymedia.com/2010/09/videoegg-to-acquire-six-apart-and-create-say-media.html, had this gem:

Through the creation of social hubs and influencer-driven custom content programs linked to the innovative AdFrames offering, SAY Media delivers engagement across display and mobile.

What the bugger have they just said?

Yikes!!

With their usual keen spirit of entrepreneurship, Kenyans have not been idle. allow me to introduce, ladies and gentlemen, the latest technology in the vehicle tracking market – Anti CarTrack.

I am wasting no time and setting up a lab that will sell CarTrack For CarTrack ™ and AntiCarTrack for CarTrack ™

My name is Alfred “I See Dead People” Mutua.

Government would like to reassure its citizens that the recent resignation of Ms Martha Karua and Mr Danson Mungatana have not in any way caused it sleepless nights.

In fact, we are happy that they have gone so that we can put some fresh faces in the cabinet.

In light of this change I am pleased to announce the following.

The new Minister for Justice And Constitutional affairs is this plate of Weetabix.

The plate of Weetabix has promised to cleanse the bowels of justice.

Additionally, the new Assistant Minister for Medical Services is now this ham sandwich

The sandwich will be sworn to fill the bellies of the sick.

Both cabinet ministers will be sworn in next week and commence work at once.

Waiting in the wings to be sworn in are a glass of milk and half a pancake.

The new cabinet members are just as effective as the team they are joining, if not more. Let it not be said that there is not talent and intelligence in Government.

That is me flying through the air with the greatest of ease.

Reading from Left to Right: Myself and My Better Half

Hopefully the above will explain my absence for the past few weeks ….

Here’s to you missus … WORLD DOMINATION CONTINUES!

• A roulette wheel of ideas, most of which are half baked is prepared
• MJ puts on a blindfold
• MJ is spun around in his chair 15 times by an energetic staff
• Roulette wheel is spun
• Dizzy MJ throws dart at spinning wheel
• Idea struck is implemented

This can be the only explanation for something as doofus as free calls.

FREE CALLS?

Surely you jest!

Is this the same Michael Joseph who complained bitterly about the congestion being caused by Kenyans and their ‘peculiar calling habits’?

How quickly we forget!

Have Kenyans changed overnight? Are different people inhabiting Kenya? Why didn’t I get the memo!

Thanks to the free calls (from 9 to 6) for the last week the Safaricom network, quicker than knickers in the red light district,  has been dropping completely.

The most printable of responses from Safaricom customers has been WTF. If Michael Joseph is interested in byte size bites of exactly what people think of Safaricom, he can drop me a line and I will, with the greatest of pleasure, let him know in great detail just what Safaricom is thought of, especially last week.

Safaricom may be known for many things but quality of service is not one of them. When the multitude of customers are not waiting for five loaves and two fish to be disbursed at Customer Care centers with 10+ help desks staffed by two, they are weeping and gnashing their teeth at congested networks.

And they have the temerity to offer FREE CALLS? It’s like George Bush and Lucy Kibaki offering to start a Mensa Chapter. The dang capacity ain’t there!!

And In Other Scandals

If you have not heard of kenyaipos.co.ke, then you probably live under a lichen infested rock.

When the site was launched, an initiative of Citi Group, offering Kenyans the ability to apply for shares online, like sheep we clicked the register button and proceeded to send all our personal details and share applications into the digital ether.

If you sought to read the small print you would have come away unimpressed. Nowhere was it explicitly stated what your information was used for, where it was stored and what rights you had with regards to your information.

What it did say, however, was that Citi group and all of its affiliates and partners could access and use it.

And before you ask, no, nowhere were these affiliates and partners listed.

Now, late last week someone discovered that with judicious manipulation of the URL you could pretty much view anyone else’s share applications and personal details.

Let me put that a little differently.

If you applied for your safaricom shares online anyone and I do mean anyone could have seen your personal details.

Any yahoo could have seen your phone numbers and email addresses, details of your applications and God knows what else.

In a show of the crass ineptitude that I’ve come to expect from Big Business in Kenya, the people behind kenyaipos.co.ke have simply taken the site down. There is nothing at the URL anymore.

This has the stink of a cover up.

A cover up that I am afraid will not be possible. We know about this lapse. And what’s more a few screen captures demonstrating the flaw can be tabled (suitably obfuscated of course).

In short, answers, and a full disclosure, and an apology are expected in very short order from:

• Citibank
• The NSE
• Safaricom
• The Capital Market Authority
• kenyaipos.co.ke

Resist the temptation to cover this up. I know, I know it’s tempting. But Kenyans put their faith in many institutions and they deserve a least one of them not to make a mockery of their faith and their intelligence!

I will keep an eye on the papers and the institutional websites and hope you do the right thing.

Additional information? Threats? Drop me a line.

This is the point at which evil laughter should be introduced.

I am of the opinion of hedging our bets my producing as many troops as possible, but my co-conspirator will have none of that, seeing that she is in fully charge of the production process. I am pushing keenly for at least 5 sleepers, to infiltrate the finance, manufacturing, ICT, government and hospitality.

But I digress.

As with all things the move was replete with lessons

1. The female of the species, like iron filings to magnet, collects shoes at a prolific rate
2. While planning construction (or purchase of a new house) right after bathroom and kitchen, make allowances for a room for shoes (not yours, of course)
3. Shoes are heavy. Especially when transported together. Especially when carried up 3 flights of steps. Especially if due to a communications breakdown it is the wrong 3 flights
4. The possessions of the female of the species follow closely the handbag rule. What is the handbag rule? The volume of materials inside the female handbag is inversely proportional to the internal volume of the handbag itself. The same applies to the contents of the flat and the flat
5. Cushions are bigger than their respective covers
6. It does not matter how thoroughly you measure curtains before purchase. They will always mysteriously shrink en route

But at the end of it all everything was unpacked, the broken dishes tossed out on their ears and Phase I of the master plan is nearing completion.

Here’s to many more milestones my dearest. Many many more! :)

Light It Up

Roberta is sans insurance, and knowing full well that these are just the circumstances God chooses to exercise his excellent sense of humour, I decided not to chance driving. I would not put it past the man upstairs to have me involved in a menage a trois with a S Class and a VW Touareg that will force me to sell my car and sell my self and my immediate future family to pay for my sin.

But with Angels and whatnots to entertain, God makes excellent use of what appears at first sight to be limited material.

Which is why as I was proceeding to work, minding my own business, the matatu I was in caught fire. Not much of a build up I know, but one minute am fiddling with my phone and the next minute I look up to a classic Babel. The interior of the matatu is full of smoke and with amazing dexterity the tout has effected an exit through the open window.

Why he has departed we are not exactly sure. Until a tongue of flame appears amid the smoke.

Now in most buildings there is some sort of plaque the says things like

“Do not panic. In an orderly fashion proceed to the nearest exit
and assemble at the designated collection point”

What happens in reality my friends is nothing short of the opposite. There is no orderly quiet movement. You can practically hear the audio soundtrack to the situation.There is acrobatic and energetic motion of the human body from all the players. A large woman of motor boat like proportions will attempt to exit the vehicle head first at the same time a large man of Maruti like proportions is attempting to exit the same vehicle from the same window foot first. Where the sum of the parts is larger than the whole of the window, things grind to a halt. There are then shouted instructions to move mammaries and backsides out of the way.

I would have stayed for more entertainment but the thought of a vehicle on fire while my person and future lineage are still within is one that prompts action. A slid open window and a dive and roll through the window are but a moment’s work.

AOB

Airport Official: First name?
Passenger: Batman
Airport Official: What?
Passenger: Batman
Airport Official: (Holding Head) Your first name is Batman
Passenger: Yes
Airport Official: Spelling?
Passenger: Just like it sounds. Batman
Airport Official: Right. And your surname?
Passenger: Superman
Airport Official: Right, that does it! Security!

Mariah Carey

I cannot off the top of my head remember a song I despised as much as Touch My body. I cannot put in words just how much I can’t stand it. Please for the love of Humanity can someone please touch Mariah Carey’s body? Preferably with Anthrax?