Right, today has been an especially tense day. Very very tense.

There has been pockets of unrest all around the county, especially in Kisumu, Kericho, Mombasa and parts of Nairobi.

The media is reporting the unrest is due to the delay in the results.

They are half right.

Here’s the problem.

For some reason, some constituencies have only had their parliamentary results released, and mysteriously not the presidential results. By accident or design, most of these seem to fall in the strongholds of the PNU, Central and Eastern provinces.

A good number are DEEPLY suspicious that the reason of the delay is for the numbers to be adjusted in favour of the incumbent, who has within 24 hours managed to close a gap of 900,000 to about 40,000. Opinion is that the government is bent on rigging the elections.

The Electoral Commission is making claims to the effect that they are unable to reach some of their returning officers.

Personally I too am very skeptical of the developments

• What good reason can there be for parliamentary results to be released without presidential
• How is it that results from far removed constituencies in Rift Valley, Nyanza and Coast have arrived and yet neighboring constituency results are not?
• How can the 45 odd seats gathered so far by the PNU and its affiliates translate into a presidential victory
• Some of the turnouts in some constituencies that are PNU strongholds are suspiciously high. 90%+ turnouts are hard enough to swallow but situations where the votes cast are greater than the number of registered voters? Hmm
• There was footage on KTN earlier in the day of very suspicious activities that seemed to benefit the candidate of particular party in Kamukunji
• I just don’t buy absurdities that the ECK cannot reach 51 agents because their phones were off / it was raining

The feeling is that the elections are being stolen from under our very noses.

I for one am waiting keenly to get hold of the complete statistics so I can work out for myself some of those numbers. I am in possession of voter numbers per constituency and I will be very keen indeed to see if they tally with what will be announced.

The contrast between today and the 27th cannot possibly be greater.

More as it develops.

AOB

What is the sense on grown folks reading elections results to us like children? Why can;t the ECK have some sort of projector and screen and use those to display results? The current way wastes EVERYBODY’s time, including the ECK’s

A certain gentleman in Scotland has brought a totally new understanding to the relationship between man and machine.

Hostel workers were stunned to have their knowledge of coitus interruptus forcefully made that much starker when they discovered a guest in the throes of activities commonly reserved for committed men and women with a bicycle.

Yes, a bicycle.

After wiping away my tears of laughter, I’ve been trying to bend my mound round this for the last half an hour without success.

I mean, I find it difficult to understand that the same … er … Unchristian thoughts I get when I come across a vision like this one:

Are the same thoughts that Mr Robert Stewart gets when he comes across a vision like this one:

Dude!

It also beggars answers to the following questions:

1. Do you get the bike dinner first?
2. To whose place do you go?
3. Mechanics mechanics mechanics.

Dude!

Although there’s a gentleman, Mr Karl Watkins, who back in 1993 was arrested for a similar act involving a pavement.

In his case it can be said that the pavement did (and still does) get around …

 Kanye West & Dwele – Flashing Lights

Nowadays news is very boring. Local news at any rate. There’s only so much NARC Kenya, ODM and ODM-K that one can take. The other parties like Ford Kenyan DP, etc are of nuisance value.

On the Internet however, it is an altogether different kettle of fish…

China wants to control reincarnation. We just can’t have people rising from the dead all willy nilly …

This couple had a truly memorable first time … with a new twist to “heat of the moment” …

There’s some rather interesting software available that beggars belief. It is hoped it comes with diapers …

To deal with the problem of drunk doofuses who drink and drive there is an interesting attempt to get them to play ball …

Hell hath no fury … I knew she was not screwing around when I got to the diaper part

And finally, If you’ve ever sampled Noka Chocolate I have news for you!

PIC OF THE DAY

 
Well…

 Les Nubians – Makeda

In the new found spirit of adventure, this Sunday Roberta and I found ourselves visiting one of my godsons. You are well on the path to being a distinguished gentleman when you are

1. Shortlisted for the post of Godfather
2. Actually awarded the post of Godfather
3. Have been awarded said post twice now

It was quite nice seeing little Kenneth. Why? For a number of reasons, the chief one being he has the cutest smile and most importantly, he is one of those few babies that actually is a beautiful baby, a credit largely (and luckily) attributed to his mother. (J my man, I feel sure that he has your brains :))

It is said all babies look the same. This is a theory I hotly contest, using as test data the large number of babies that I have seen. Some babies are memorable and other babies are … well … you remember them.

I’m sure many of us have been in the situation where a bundle is thrust in your hand and doting parents ask you to take a look at the beautiful bundle.

You take a look at said bundle. You fight the urge to flinch. You tell yourself “Aha! Now we know who Smeagol’s parents were!” Or you might wonder if the problem is not so much the baby but the presentation. Has the baby, for instance, been presented upside down, such that you are not looking into the input ports but rather the output?

No matter what you think, if it is not positive keep it to yourself. Nothing can transform a woman from a doting mother to Darth Vader quicker than the slightest slight to her offspring. Say things like “Wow! What a beautiful baby”, even if the baby looks like a departing Peugeot 504. Trust me. You shall live longer. I know this from the fact that in my naive youth I answered “Have you seen anything prettier” strongly and emphatically in the positive, citing several examples. As a result my life expectancy is 10 years less than yours.

Sigh. You live, you learn.

But I digress. Kenneth is a beautiful baby, and his toothless smile is quite fetching. I could have spent hours playing with that young man. He laughs outrageously and happily  if you know just where on his stomach to tickle. He attempts to put everything in his mouth, including his own toes and Roberta’s car keys. Quick movement on my part saved me from having the most expensive, living, breathing  key holder in existence.

Ah, the innocence of youth. You are fed, clothed and carried around. Everyone fawns over you. Your tantrums are considered cute. No matter how cute you are, just try throwing a tantrum at your ripe old age now and you will find yourself laughed out of  town.

As thanks to my host, and letting Chef M rise to the surface, I raided their kitchen and made a colossal mess. In my defence I turned out a very delicious Lemon Pound Cake. Half of the cake somehow found itself under my sweater and out of the house. All in the name of quality control, of course. I would have taken photos but I was too busy scheming how to steal half the cake. Mama Kenneth (suspiciously) still has cravings for pastry well after the young lad was delivered by the storks.

Piggy Corner

Yes, KM, Jade, Nakeel, Afromusing & Shiro. I know what you want. The recipe. Follow this one. Pretty accurate. Although I disagree about the vanilla bit. But hey, different strokes…

If you’re inclined to make this cake a nice tip is to grate a bit of the lemon rind and chuck that into the cake mix. Your tongue and stomach will love you but your neighbours I assure you will hate you. D.E.L.I.C.I.O.U.S. Also, some people mind the flavour of butter so you might use margarine instead. Jienjoy.

Pic Of The Day

 
=)) That right there is a mailbox!

 Bryan McKnight – Anytime

My thoughts on Kenyan MPs are well known. I cannot think of a single good thing about those useless doofuses. The best present that they can give Kenyans is their immediate and permanent absence.

I would very much like the gentleman who had the temerity to defend those chocolate teapots to again make an attempt to defend them. Please. Anyone?

I cannot remember the last time Kenyans as a whole have been more incensed than when parliament happily moved to yet again increase its benefits, including a 6 million or so payoff. Each.

I am still stunned. And what is all the more galling is that they cannot even show up to do the little they are paid to do. Perpetual lacks of quorum are the norm. And Francis Xavier had the audacity to complain that the Kenyan MP is overworked! Indeed. Shoveling samosas and contributing sulphurous oxides in some quarters may be considered taxing.

And yesterday the Kibaki Government again managed to slither under the extremely low bar it has set for itself.

And yesterday human rights activists protesting the Blackbeard-esque plunder of our hard earned money found themselves being treated as if they had taken the last of the biscuits from the presidential breakfast table. They were promptly and violently arrested.

I have long been a proponent of the fact that God has a VERY GOOD sense of humour. Very good indeed. And the image of extremely underpaid police officers fighting tooth and nail for the extremely overpaid good for nothing doofuses is some of his best work.

By the way, this bill did not just appear. It was introduced by one Amos Kimunya. And being a Cabinet Minister, it is not an unreasonable assumption to construe it as a Government Bill, despite the shadow boxing from other ministers.

What does that say about the Government’s attitude to its long suffering people?

 Redman – I’ll Be Dat

For some reason I’m sure Kenyan MPs relate to this song!

Ignorance, it is said is bliss. And if that be so, when it comes to the issue of women, many of my lads can be described as being in a perpetual state of catatonic joy. When I say, for instance, that few things are as formidable as the woman they laugh me out of town. No man knoweth precisely what lies behind that dimpled smile and demure expression.

Things are additionally compounded when you introduce the concept of exes being just friends. I have written a paper on the same, and I like to think now, more than ever, it is still relevant.

Take for example Geoffrey Jones. Blissfully ignorant that he was rushing headlong towards doom, he arrived at a party fully optimistically and departed from the same partially testically.

Wiser ones among us may have left after this:

Amanda Monti, 24, flew into a rage when Geoffrey Jones, 37, rejected her advances at the end of a house party, Liverpool Crown Court heard.

But Geoffrey, with soon to be halved nutty perseverance, foolishly soldiered bravely on

She pulled off his left testicle and tried to swallow it, before spitting it out.

In a paroxysm of passion she tried to emasculate Geoffrey even with his trousers on

In his statement, Mr Jones said she grabbed his genitals and “pulled hard”. He added: “That caused my underpants to come off and I found I was completely naked and in excruciating pain.”

The story also illustrated clearly that a friend in indeed is not the one in need, it is the one that hands you back your testicles.

The court heard that a friend saw Monti put Mr Jones’s testicle into her mouth and try to swallow it. She choked and spat it back into her hand before the friend grabbed it and gave it back to Mr Jones. Doctors were unable to re-attach the organ.

I challenge you if your friends can do this for you.

Naturally, Amanda is contrite in the end.

“It was never my intention to cause harm to Geoff and the fact that I have caused him injury will live with me forever. I am in no way a violent person.”

This is a touch sell with testicular evidence on the carpet.

She continues to say

I have challenged myself to explain what has happened but still I just cannot remember. This has caused much anguish to me and will do for the rest of my life

Not as much anguish as Geoffrey I’d imagine!

PIC OF THE DAY

This is the sort of limo the Kibaki Administration should be looking at

 Brownstone – Pass The Lovin’

The police has released a statement with regards to the explosion that took place earlier.

This morning at about 08:15 hrs, a small explosion occurred outside the City Gate Restaurant situation along Moi Avenue outside the city centre. One person was killed and over 30 others were injured. Doctors have confirmed that none of the injuries is life threatening.

Presently, police investigators are pursuing promising leads to ascertain the identity of the perpetrators and possible motives(s) that led to this incident. To begin with, a post mortem is conducted to assist in investigations over the precise cause of death and samples will be sent for further investigations both in local and foreign laboratories.

Additionally, explosives experts and other forensics detectives are going on with investigations. So far, debris from the scene is being examined for traces of explosives. Police are recording statements from persons who were at the scene.

Initial investigations show that the source of the explosion was extremely small. At the scene, only glass windows within a two metre radius were shattered, and injuries sustained are relatively minor. A public service commuter bus which was at the scene had its windscreen shattered and has been driven off to the police yard for further investigations. No traces of combustion or high explosives were detected at the scene.

We understand and appreciate the need to solve such cases expeditiously to allay public concerns that quite often are fanned by rumours or distorted information. It is, however, prudent to be realistic and recognise that all investigations take time. As I told you in my two other press briefings earlier today, we shall periodically provide briefings and updates without jeopardising the conduct of investigations.

I wish to thank all the emergency services for their prompt action, and particularly thank Kenyatta National Hospital, St. John’s Ambulance and others. In a nutshell, our disaster management procedures worked well. Most importantly we are appealing to any person with any information on this incident to contact the police as soon as possible.

Read it in its original form from the Office Of The Government Spokesman site.

Today has just illustrated the double edged nature of pervasive communication like blogs, email and text messaging. There is no doubt that these platforms are powerful tools for communicating information. There is also no doubt that they are powerful tools for spreading disinformation. The rumours and innuendo that have gotten to me have left me speechless. Some of the accounts have received indicate hundreds dead and the whole block leveled. Blame has been laid at the doors of Al Qaeda, clumsily detonated grenades, Mungiki, time bombs, electronically detonated bombs and mobile phone detonated bombs.

Mail servers have been forwarding all these conflicting accounts all day. Many bloggers have wasted no time posting some of these theorems as fact. Safaricom ad Celtel have made a killing today relaying text messages.

What we don’t seem to realize is that:

1. The cause of the explosion is yet to be confirmed by those in the know. These happen to be the police. Not the papers. Not the Internet. Not the FM Stations. The police. Regardless of your opinion of them, of all the authorities to listen to, they should be the first.
2. Forwarding these rumours of suicide bombers has unnecessarily caused many people to panic
3. If it turns out the explosion was a mere gas cylinder, the damage will already have been done. Once you put something on the Internet, there it stays. For instance, do a search for suicide bombers Kenya or suicide bomber Nairobi and see what turns up. Since it is already apparent that sensationalism generally wins over facts, our reputation will have been needlessly sullied
4. Blogs, email and text messages, while lending themselves to informing, also lend themselves to abuse.

Until I hear official facts to the contrary, I will hold the opinion that if you emailed, texted or blogged about the explosion crediting it as a suicide bomber/Mungiki/Al Qaeda or any other explanation that has yet to be confirmed, you did yourself, your loved ones and your country a disservice. 

[8:59]

Apparently a explosion has gone off near Ambassadeur hotel in Nairobi. No news as yet on the casualties. There are a lot of rumours going on now that it is

• A bomb
• A suicide bomber
• A gas cylinder

Other than the explosion itself, nothing has been confirmed, so resist the urge to spread rumours!!!

Of course the news scared the crap after me seeing as I had just give my brother a lift and dropped him off in town but mercifully he’s OK.

[9:08]

It seems there has been at least one fatal casualty

[9:24]

The injured are currently about 10. The entire area has been cordoned off. Rumours that it was a bomb or a suicide bomber are getting stronger and stronger but still there is no confirmation.

More as it develops…

[11:13]

Additional information indicate police on the scene say the explosion could have been caused by a suicide bomber. Again, “could have“. This is not a conformation. We await a comprehensive official statement from the Police themselves to confirm anything. Until then I urge everyone, and in particular bloggers to resist the temptation to spread juicy sounding, scary rumours that may have grave repercussions if they turn out to be unfounded. Until we have established for a fact that it was a suicide bomber, let us not treat the innuendo and rumours as fact.

Now is the time for prudence and responsibility to rule, not gossip and sensationalism.

[12:20]

the Ministry of Health has set up emergency blood donation centers at the Reinsurance Plaza grounds (opposite Uchumi House/ Nairobi cinema) and the Cooperative House (the former US Embassy/ bomb blast site).

Images

The site

A victim (deliberately blurred)

All credit to the person who took the photos. Don’t know the exact source (not me)

[6:40]

An official statement from the Police has been released. Read it HERE. An important section reads as follows:

A public service commuter bus which was at the scene had its windscreen shattered and has been driven off to the police yard for further investigations. No traces of combustion or high explosives were detected at the scene.

More Information

Reuters Alert Net

Nation (currently down)

East African Standard

Al Jazeera

Office Of The Government Spokesman Initial Statement

BBC

CNN

Police & Government Official Statement