Francis Xavier Ole Kaparo is the grim, tough talking speaker of the current loud yet mediocre parliament. Generally when he speaks, people tend to listen. Having 250  or so members of parliament  of varying levels of maturity and intelligence under your thumb is not a task for the faint of heart.

However this last week Francis has been speaking in a manner likely to suggest that his wig is too tight, or the flatulence of honourable members have interfered with the knitting of his thinking cap.

I listened with stunned amazement when Ole Kaparo with a perfectly straight face told us that

Kenyan members of parliament are overworked

At this juncture quite a number of honourable members had composed themselves for slumber and their snores were shaking parliament’s rafters.

I pinched myself very hard just in case I was sleeping, or was operating in a parallel universe.

The very notion of an overworked MP is something my mind is struggling to grapple with. Running over the MPs I know by name, and picturing their rosy cheeks, considerable girth and third trimester like bellies, it is difficult to reconcile that image with the sweat of back breaking honest toil.

Driving from Being driven from the parliamentary canteen to a public rally, where they wear loudly clashing t-shirts and clutching flowers or oranges (as the case may be) can by no stretch of the imagination be construed as work.

Just how are these fellows overworked? Most of them do  not even go to their own constituencies, so how, pray tell, can they claim to be overworked?

Unless of course our speaker is referring to the hard work of ruthlessly attacking samosas, biscuits, queen cakes and mabuyu at the parliamentary canteen.

The other stunning declaration was that

The media should not capture sleeping MPs on film

This was in reaction to the hilarious footage from the parliamentary opening.

Within minutes of arriving and lowering their considerable girths to their seats, the sandman ruthlessly resumed his duties.

Hitherto bone dry Parliamentary leather suddenly had a coating of parliamentary drool from honourable members who were so overwhelmed with their back breaking work that even after a three month recess they were fast asleep within minutes of lowering their honourable backsides to the leather.

The president had just welcomed them back when the first snores rattled the rafters and within ten minutes a symphony in B major was being orchestrated, with NARC-Kenya snoring in bass, ODM-Kenya snoring in Alto, Ford People in fine voice in soprano and Ford Kenya handling the alto with aplomb.

Mungatana clutched his blankie closer. Kajwang clutched his teddy bear closer. Munyao and Karume sucked their thumbs. Gumo and Ndolo in their sleep groped for their sippy cups.

I find it preopostorous that Kapro can make such a request. In fact if possible Kaparo should have his head smacked.

OF COURSE they should be captured on film! Have they forgotten a simple tenet — that the MP is an employee of the people?

I’m working very hard to transition from employee to employer and i jolly well know i will be very interested in any employees of mine who take my money and sleep instead of working!

Xavier my man, your MPs are our employees and we damn sure have the right to know what they are doing during office hours!

PIC OF THE DAY

Someone is very kindly offering me a work permit

I especially like their ‘gaurantee’

Elvis Presley – Return To Sender

Wahey! (For some reason shades of Beano come to mind), Ory, Myself and Mzalendo are on the BBC!

Although I find it a bit of a shame that such locally brewed initiatives never attract the attention of the local media. And for all those irate people demanding to see more “stuff”, my friends, the meat and potatoes are not on the home page. They are here, here, here and soon, here

Corinne Bailey Rae – Like A Star

Let’s get one thing straight. Saddam Hussein was one of the worlds most colossal asses. There is little doubt that he was a vicious, brutal and merciless human being that subjected millions of his own people to brutal savagery under his despotic rule.

Some 6 or so hours ago he was given the Christmas gift of being strung up by his neck until he was dead. And in this era of a world obsessed with reality TV, networks were falling over each other to broadcast footage of the schmuck being led to the gallows and the noose being put around his neck.

But I for one do not believe that Saddam should have been hanged. If anything the hanging raisers more questions than answered

Why?

1. Tell me, precisely what has been achieved by this hanging? I hear talk about closure. What closure? How will stringing up his mangy hide bring back the loved ones lost? What satisfaction can be derived from this?
2. Those people who came up with shotgun weddings can also add shotgun hangings to the list. Can you spell rushed? Why? Did the noose have an expiry date of 1 January 2007? Could the hands controlling the marionettes from across oceans have a hand to play?
3. Hanging Saddam merely infuriates his Shiite supporters still further and all this pointless act will achieve is even greater levels of infighting and civil war.
4. Most importantly, Saddam did VERY MANY unspeakable things in his long and un-illustrious rule. The only person who knows all the grisly things Saddam Hussein did in great detail is Saddam Hussein. And now that he is dead, all that information is lost as well. There are things that Saddam did that we will now never know.As Saint Peter looks over his books Saddam must be thinking “Who’s laughing now?”
5. I have always thought that execution was a very easy way out. There is simply no punishment better than living with the consequences  your actions.

So if you find yourself celebrating Saddam’s death, think long and hard if it is really worth celebrating.

It isn’t.

Lupe Fiasco & Jill Scott – Daydream

You must be living under a rock, or you have no friends (even the type to send annoying forwards) not to have read this little gem

Safaricom is looking for Kenyans working in the US and the UK who would be interested in meeting us to discuss career prospects especially Engineers, however, we will meet any other professional Kenyans who are interested in returning home to work. We will be going to Birmingham, UK the first week of August and to Atlanta in the US during the second week of August.

Let anyone you may know in the US & the UK send me their C.V and I will send them a formal invite along with specific details of where we will be for interviews.

Thanks.

Njeri Kinyanjui

Resourcing Manager

Safaricom Ltd

Tel: 4273527, email:NKinyanjui – at- Safaricom.co.ke

When I received this a few months ago I dismissed it as completely preposterous and deleted it immediately. But like flies to parliament or politicians to a septic tank it kept popping up in my inbox.

And then I read that Ory and Steve Ntwiga have had similar reservations about this little email, that looks like a colossal gaffe on Safaricom’s part.

There are so many things wrong with it it is difficult to know where to start

1. Most companies have some sort of vetting and approval process of anything that goes out into the public. This process will catch a number of things like:
   • Inaccuracies
   • Ambiguity
   • Shoddy grammar
   • Lack of clarity
2. A company sweeping looking for “Kenyans working in the UK and the US” and ignoring those working in Germany, Papua New Guinea, Kazakhstan, Barbados, SeaLand and God Forbid, Kenyans working in KENYA needs a swift kick in the seat of the pants. What, pray tell, is wrong with other Kenyans? I like to think that we Kenyans living in Kenya have opposable thumbs and binocular vision and are at least able to walk and chew gum at the same time.
3. The fact that Safaricom sending its staff to Birmingham and Atlanta to recruit sounds to me that there are people quite adept and manoeuvering themselves into glorious joyriding trips, funded by the company. These are apparently called junkets (Steve, every day I learn something new!) The itemized bills incurred in the recruitment ought to make for some interesting reading.
4. A company looking for employees whose only criteria is working in the UK and the US, needs another swift kick to the seat of the pants. Either someone is getting a handsome commission on fresh bodies delivered to the payroll or Safaricom has the most forgiving employment criteria on the planet. Clearly it has little interest in prospective employees’
   • Qualifications. Reading, Riting and Rithmetic are good enough.
   • Work Experience. Apparently you don’t need any.
   • What they actually can do. According to the email, any other professionals such as Butchers, fishmongers, practitioners in the field of animal husbandry and pooper scoopers are eligible to be in Safaricom’s gainful employment.

Of course the entire email could have been a fraud, but then again Safaricom are yet to issue a press release on the statement. Plus some judicious inquiries on my part, as well as reading Steve’s post on the issue leads me to believe otherwise.

Safaricom is a company that circumstances force me to tolerate. I have had problems with each and every one of their services, from pre-paid, to post-paid, to GPRS. Their customer care (if any) is legendary for their lethargy. Their boss thinks we are peculiar (But then again our president thinks we are idiots)

Even today I am yet to receive a satisfactory response to the question why you are still charged for an SMS that Safaricom itself merrily informs you it has not delivered. Audacity and temerity are the words of choice that come to mind. At my last insistence I was informed that what I am actually being charged for is the sending of the SMS from my phone to Safaricom’s message center.

That’s about as ridiculous as UPS or DHL charging me for only for delivery from my premises to their headquarters. If they set  it on fire or gremlins eat it — ah well! Tough luck

Yet somehow despite all this they somehow deliver 12 billion shilling profits. There must be something that we are missing.

Be that as it may the resourcing department needs to get serious. Really. Because something stinks. Especially since their site speaks fondly about their “dedication and professionalism of our staff“. Uh huh!

If you did go to the “interview” and are now working for Safaricom, leave a comment.

And speaking of getting serious, Popote Wireless is another company that needs a swift kick to the seat of the pants. Of all the subscribers that I have spoken to, every single one of them subscribed for Internet access, which was the princely sum of 1 shilling a minute. The initial cost was about 17,000 for the necessary hardware.

And as a Christmas bonus to its customers they have trebled their rates, and now you are expected to pay 3 shillings a minute. If anyone from Popote is reading this:

Na na na na,
na na na na,
hey hey hey,

GOODBYE

Now, back to usual programming. Cabinet Tales IV has been crying out for posting …. But later later. Next up — M’s 2006 Annual Awards

AOB

And in other news, (only in Kenya!) it is cheaper to call a Safaricom line from Celtel. Rock on!

Norah Jones – Come Away With Me

* Long Post. Take Bathroom break now *

In every village, in addition to the village madman and the village idiot, there invariably exist the village’s literati. These would be the folk who gather under the biggest tree, and fueled by an array of potent brews, churn out the village’s literature — poems, skits, stories and of course unbelievably filthy songs and skits.

It goes without saying that literature, oral and otherwise, is an important constituent of society.

The post I did, On Reading, drew a variety of interesting feedback, most of it offline. Apparently my choice of eclectic reading material wasn’t “literary enough”. Someone actually put it precisely like that.

It reminded me again why I view critics, and people who purport to critique literature, with a highly jaundiced eye. Why? Because if no two people are alike why on earth would two people derive the same enjoyment and grasp from a poem, or a song, or a novel?

“I’m quite surprised at your choice of books,” a resident of the Ivory Tower told me. I’m very sure said resident was smoking a cigarillo at the time. “Stephen King,” resident confided in the next line, “doesn’t do real writing. Not true literature.”

Well!

Even now I’ve been unable to come up with a suitable response to that outrageous statement.

Along with Government of National Unity, this without a doubt is one of the most ludicrous things I have heard all year.

What makes a good book?

I would say some books are good because they have

1. Good writing
2. A good story
3. Both of the above

Good writing again is a very subjective thing. Everyone has their own ideas as to what well written prose is. Some people enjoy a heavy use of metaphors and allegories. Others prefer the flowing use of seldom used words, the sort of reading where you don’t actually know what the words mean, but you grasp their meaning as you soldier on. Others thrive on similes and onomatopoeia. Others on simplicity. And so on.

The same thing goes again for stories. Your combination of likes and dislikes and ideas and aspirations leaves you best placed to decide whether or not a story is good.

And so you can find a book that has good writing and absolutely no story, a book with atrocious writing but a riveting story or if you are lucky, a book that has both.

And so I find it rather pompous for someone to pontificate that Stephen King doesn’t do “real literature”. Why not? I happen to think on average that he is a brilliant writer and he tells excellent stories.

The look whenever people discover that Stephen King wrote the Shawshank Redemption AND the Green Mile is still priceless. Priceless.

In school I deeply resented the literature courses, English AND Kiswahili. You read a short story and spend precisely three weeks dissecting every nuance of the story, making impossible connections and conclusions that would surprise and amaze the author. You spend hours and hours extracting “themes”, “stylistic devices”, “plots” and all sorts of things from a 5 page narrative.

You do the same nonsense for the 20 or so short stories and by the time you are through you have completely forgotten what the original story was about. And then  you move on to the plays and do the same thing.

Based on one line a character a student proudly writes in his exam

Kamau is dishonest, and not truthful. We see this when he says “Fine” when asked “how are you”, despite him coming from a funeral. It also shows that he is polite, because he answered a question when he was emotionally not ready. It also demonstrates his emotional strength.

Or, the exam paper says the following:

Identify 3 categories of stylistic devices used in this story, and give 3 examples of each.

As Tony Soprano would say, Whadhafaak?

After four years of subjection to this our reading youth are released to the wild with a somewhat interesting take on literature.

Writers who don’t make use of metaphors and allegories and all this stuff is somewhat less literary than his fellows.

Really? I beg do differ!

I ask you, Why can’t we just read for the freaking story? Isn’t the story, after all, the aim of the game?

If you read the Sunday Papers, and particularly the Sunday Standard from cover to cover you will have come across the section called the Literary discourse.

If your reading fare is fast and furious ping pong between pompous pontification and indignant outrage, this is the page for you. During the course of the year a variety of individuals, self anointed as authorities on literature have attempted to tell us mere mortals what does and does not constitute literature. Some of the slugfests that I remember off the top of my head are. Some of the more spirited ones I remember pitched the Kwani camp on one end and a bench of the local literati on the other.

The literati objected to Kwani, how it was spelt, whether it was literature, its use of sheng, its use of sheng poems, the length of pieces.

The Kwani Camp, needless to say, gave as good as they got and objected to the literati, their qualifications to be the same, their mandate to question them, and the challenge to their ideas.

Needless to say it was fascinating reading the skirmishes every Sunday.

But one of the things that came way from the debate was a challenge to the idea of literature in the traditional sense. The established literati were seething at the idea of poetry in sheng. POETRY IN SHENG!

Personally I love the idea. As you no doubt know by now I am all for breaking the mould that restricts literature to printed books filled with long winded metaphors.

If people express themselves best in sheng, by all means let them!

I am all for increasing the realm of literature into new fields like stories in sheng, poetry in sheng, poetry in music, powerful lyrics, multimedia and last but jolly well not least, blogs.

A fortnight or so ago, I occasioned to end up on the same table with three gentlemen from camp Kwani. Reading from left to right they were as follows:

1. African Bullets And Honey, complete with a cigar
2. Binyavanga Wainaina, complete with notebook
3. One Potash, complete with … er …. self contentment

Potash was very taken, and absolutely had to touch ABH’s cigar the cigar ABH happened to have with him.

In true Hemingwayesque fashion, a short skirted waitress was summoned and dispatched to get three beers and one coke. After several years of stares ranging from puzzled to downright incredulous, I am quite thick skinned and I feel quite nothing ordering sodas in a bar.

Needless to say, discussion flitted from issue to issue on literature as a whole, its form and perception globally and locally. Blogging of course threw itself into the mix. As the publishing press for the common man its pretty hard to beat.

Just think of the scathing reactions from Africa over the Live 8 Debacle. Had this been 5 years ago Bob Geldof, Jeffrey Sachs and the rest of their ilk would have been in blissful ignorance of just how fine disdain the whole thing was held by many.

The whole concept of writing and publishing must evolve around the blogging phenomenon. You can get yourself read by millions without going anywhere near Simon and Schuster or Bantam Books.

Of course the question is, how do you get the denarii, the chumes, the cash, the iron men outvof it?

Will blogging become the new writing? Granted, you can’t quite take your favourite blog into the throne room after a heavy meal, but suppose you could?

Kwani is currently hosting The Kwani Litfest  starting today and ending on the 28th. All sorts of famous names that I cannot pronounce will be in attendance. The brochure talks about something called barbecue poetry that I am very keen to find out more, especially the barbecue part.

If you can make your way there, fashionably late of course, please do. The more voices there are the better. Many great names in literature will be in attendance and it would be a fantastic forum to discuss literature in all its current and future forms.

Click image for a bigger version. Click HERE to go to the official blog.

Kenya should be able to export more than just miraa / khat / gomba (Delete as appropriate)

Henry Mancini – Baby Elelphant Walk

Most, if not all, of us can remember our secondary school examinations. I for one can remember mine .. the motley collection of green, yellow and white examination papers that scared the crap & living daylights concerned you gravely the second before you opened them and skimmed desperately to see if you knew anything.

The pot-bellied invigilator with the growl of a bear and the breath of a horse.

Titrating 50ml of substance x into 50ml of substance white and waiting desperately for something to happen, because there are 6 or so lines left blank for you to record “observations”

Forgetting to maintain the beaker contents at 30 degrees and suddenly realizing that merry bubbling is from your equipment.

Being expected to draw in great detail the leg of a housefly, horsefly and other such nebulous insect, despite the fact you can barely see the bloody thing, even under a microscope.

Ridiculous examination questions like draw and label an optical microscope, or write a letter to a visiting cousin.

Anyway, the exams have come around and this years’ are controversial because in Mombasa it has been possible to obtain exam papers in advance, before they have been sat.

• The paper appears to have leaked
• The Ministry of Education and the Kenya National Examinations Council denies any such thing
• The East Africa Standard sourced a copy of a paper the day before it was scheduled for sitting. The Daily Nation were also able to source some papers
• The Ministry of Education and the Kenya National Examinations Council denies any such thing

And right now I am watching a heated debate on television. On the panel is the Permanent Secretary for the Ministry of Education, a senior official from the Kenya National Examinations Council and Professor Ruth Oniango, a nominated MP.

Within five minutes I was stunned into silence by the loud and passionate denials from the two gentlemen denying that the paper had leaked.

I expected no less because in typical Emperor and his New Clothes fashion, the acting Minister for Education, Dr Noah Wekesa denied any such thing had taken place. And so did his Assistant Minister, Dr Kilemi Mwiria.

When a grown man, presumably in sound mind and body has the temerity to say

Getting a paper a few hours before the paper cannot help the candidate. In fact the candidate will be even more confused?

I have watched in amazement gentlemen denying the paper has leaked when there is video footage to the contrary.

The gentleman on the panel are denying hotly that leakage has taken place to the joint amazement of myself and Professor Oniango.

One of these chaps is saying:

It is only leakage if the
paper is found in possession
of a student.

Huh?

Within a few moments the other is saying

It cannot be leakage unless the paper is gotten more than a few hours before it is due to be sat.

I may be a product of 8-4-4 but I do believe that at least some of my neurons are firing.

And to cap it off the Permanent secretary has to audacity to ask us

Give us the evidence
that there is cheating.

What more evidence can there be that sauntering down to Mombasa and buying the Chemistry paper on the eve of the exam?

Maybe it’s just me but I am of the opinion that if anyone can get their grubby hands on an exam paper before it is actually sat, I believe that paper has leaked. It has leaked because

1. Someone who is not a candidate has been able to access the paper
2. The paper is available to before it is to be sat.

Or am I missing something?

PIC OF THE DAY

Baby Cham & Alicia Keys – Ghetto Story

David Munyakei, the man who put his neck on the line to blow the whistle on the colossal theft that is the Goldenberg scandal, passed away on Sunday evening after a short illness at the Narok county hospital.

14 years after risking his neck, the matter remains unresolved and the players charged with bringing the culprits to books are engaged in a right royal bout of shadow boxing and pussy footing.

Unlike the United States and the UK, Kenya’s legal system does not boast a robust witness protection system that affords witnesses the opportunity to retire to sunny locales and never have to worry about money and bills again. If you are going to whistle-blow in Kenya you are pretty much on your own.

But he blew the whistle anyway in one of the biggest scandals ever to rock this country, and got misery for his trouble, starting with losing his job, followed closely by being incarcerated and finally being confined to a life of misery with his young family.

Many people thought that with the new government coming to power, he would finally get his just rewards for blowing the whistle on the fraud and putting to an end a rich gravy train that enriched quite a few people while it rode.

The NARC government has as usual exemplified itself on the matter – long on lip service and short on action. Promises and promises were made, his hand was shaken by dozens of beaming ministers, careful to make use of the photo opportunity as it arose, and pledges were made to recognize him for what he had done.

And he was promptly forgotten.

A government that can pay Aaron Ringera 2,500,000 and his for deputies similarly obscene figures per month ostensibly to track down and bring to book the corrupt for some reason is unable to attend to the very basic needs for a man who gave up everything to stop the plunder of a nation.

The fact that other than some junior policemen Aaron and his lads have next to nothing to show for the billions that have been sunk does not surprise.

Let me hazard what will happen now.

Sacred, as well as plain old, cows will call for hero’s send off for David. Care will be taken by these big fish to be caught on camera going to console the widow. Pledges will be made to help the family in these trying times.

At the funeral a mix of calling for Kenyans to emulate the departed hero and cheap shots at political opponents will be made. Again pledges will be made to help the young family.

And as soon as the television cameras are off motorcades and helicopters will be hurriedly made for, and within a week, just like the many before him – Bildad Kaggia, Paul Ngei, Makan Singh – he will be forgotten.

Which is why I admire him even more and wish when the time comes I will be able to sacrifice everything for the good of my countrymen and women. Because he probably knew what he was doing was thankless and that he would suffer for the rest of his days.

But he did it anyway.

And it is more such people that Kenya needs to become the great country that it so richly deserves to be.

Mr. Munyakei – it may not be obvious, but the thanks and prayers of a Nation are with you and with your family.

I can say for a fact that you have inspired at least one person.

May we always have the courage to do the right thing, no matter the cost. May we always have the courage to put our country ahead of us. May we never lose sight of the fact that one man can make a difference.

May you get the rest that you so richly deserve.

Thank you.

To endure is greater than to dare; to tire out hostile fortune; to be daunted by no difficulty; to keep heart when all have lost it; to go through intrigue spotless; and to forgo even ambition when the end is gained — who can say this is not greatness?

William Thackeray

The NARC Government, which apparently I am supposed to thank for its benevolence in granting me freedom of expression, went out of its way on Sunday and one of its chief rattlesnakes pillars, Internal Security Minister John Njoroge Michuki put a full page ad in the Sunday Standard where he not so subtly dishes out warnings to radio talk shows, newspapers and Internet bloggers.

The Internet bloggers bit without a doubt did not come from him. I have for a long time been of the opinion that Michuki and his ilk are of the opinion that the Internet is a new fangled fishing device. But one never knows.

Bottom line — bloggers are now on the government radar.

With all of the — ah — colourful post I’ve written, I’m not sure as to the wisdom of availing myself at the next blogger meet up. You never know if the Kanga Squad is gleefully reading the date and venue and is looking for balaclavas, Berettas and Bata Bullets. My friends if you know me — you don’t. Really. It was all in your imagination.

Personally, keeping from dropping soap in showers is not a pastime I’m entirely looking forward to …

I won’t be cowed online but I jolly well will keep a very low profile physically!!!

Click To Read The Full Ad (130Kb)

QUOTE OF THE DAY

He he! I wish I could have said this on air after the Brazil match!

“They say it’s not over until the fat lady sings. And with two goals, Ronaldo just did.”

Koffi Olomide – Si Si Si