Category Archives: Politics

Enter Kibaki: Court Jester

Just when you think that you cannot set the bar lower on Mwai Kibaki and the constellation of black holes that oscillate around him, they never fail to disappoint — they find a way to slither under. I’m beginning to wonder if they are gaffes or premeditated actions.

His cabinet ministers are on record having defended the Armenian brothers at the hub of this controversy. Defended them. In parliament. Internal Security Minister John Michuki and Immigration Minister Gideon Konchellah actually defended these gentleman in parliament and in the media.

This past weekend a series of events took place that left Kenyans collectively dumbfounded.

  • These two gentlemen appeared at Jomo Kenyatta International Airport, and they had passes granting them access to all areas of the airport, a privilege very few indeed enjoy
  • When challenged to open the bags one of their associates had flown in guns were drawn at hapless customs officials. GUNS WERE DRAWN! In our airport, ostensibly one of the best guarded facilities in the country.
  • These individuals managed to somehow get out of the airport and drive to their safety
  • Communication flew thick and fast between the police and ranking personalities in the government. To the amazement of Kenyans one faction wanted to raid and arrest these individuals and the other one was protecting them

In the end sanity prevailed and the house was raided. Among the contents of the raided house were:

  1. Armaments supposedly traceable to the Presidential Security Brigade
  2. Cars with foreign licence plates
  3. Cars with Government licence plates
  4. Jackets emblazoned with QRU, the kind that Kenyans will remember was worn by Government agents beating their own people on National Television
  5. Letters of Appointment giving them the ranks of Deputy Police Commissioners
  6. Kenyan Passports in their names

This whole fiasco beggars a number of immediate questions:

  1. Who on earth are these men?
  2. Why have they been defended by Cabinet Ministers on numerous occasions?
  3. Exactly how is it that these men are Deputy Police Commissioners after barely 4 months in the country?
  4. Who gave them carte Blanche access to our airports?
  5. What are they doing with government equipment like arms?
  6. Why has the Government time and time again failed to question them and their activities?
  7. Who are these “big fish” that keep hindering the police from carrying out their duties in questioning these men?
  8. These men are Armenian but they were deported to Dubai. Huh?

It also raises a number of not so obvious issues:

We have been trying for years to convince the USA and the European Union that our country is safe from threats of terrorism. And now in one fell swoop we are precisely back where we started, if not worse. If two yahoos can carry guns into our airports, get access to the entire airport, draw their weapons, threaten people and get away, I shudder to think what a determined group of terrorists could do.

In one fell swoop our tourism industry will yet again be struggling, we are the laughing stock of the International Community and if strange foreigners can be given powers over us mere citizens, just how is it we are a sovereign nation?

I for one find it ludicrous and yet frightening that the Government can grant total strangers powers above the law over me, a citizen. That the Government can allow total strangers to operate above the law. My Government has given strangers rights and privileges that I, a citizen, do not enjoy. This is insane.

Were the Madaraka Day celebrations a farce?

These men were whisked out of the country without being charged in court. After drawing a weapon in a sensitive area. After threatening custom officials with said weapon. After being found with arms and Government vehicles. Makes one wonder why other foreigners who break the law are charged and jailed.

Just last week a Somali warlord was unceremoniously bundled out of the country. Compare and contrast, if you will, how that operation compared with this one. Our mercenary friends were escorted to the airport like V.I.P.s. The Nation that night were following up a story that the me were not actually deported but were bought two business class RETURN tickets!

So naturally Kenyans are stunned and confused at these developments, and it is with a sigh of relief that our commander in chief appears on television. One would assume that he is going to take charge and reassure Kenyans that all is well and action is being taken to safeguard our sovereignty and security.

One would be wrong.

I am still stunned that while he had the nation’s ear, at prime time, the man had the gall to start clarifying that

The first family is composed of the following: First Lady Lucy, sons Jimmy, David …

After the nation has suffered a collective blow to its perceptions of security and sovereignty, the man we elected to look after these very things is wasting valuable prime time to “clarify” the constituency of his family.


After an event that has had, is having, and will continue to have ramifications within and without the border, all of them bad, our Commander In Chief and President is “clarifying” who belongs to his family!

Well, allow me to respond, President Kibaki. Take down the following list:

  • Hoot
  • Two Hoots
  • Damn
  • Tuppence
  • Crap
  • Monkey’s Crap
  • Rat’s Ass
  • Flying Ass
  • Flying Rat’s Ass

Got them? I hope so. Because these are all the things Kenyans DON’T GIVE about who constitutes your family. Just to be clear, let me try and drive the point home

  • We don’t care if your first family is composed of Lucy, Jimmy, David and Judy.
  • We don’t care if your family is composed of Mary Wambui and Winnie Mwai
  • We don’t care if your family is composed of Huey, Louie and Dewey
  • We don’t care if your family is composed of Cocky Locky, Ducky Lucky and Henny Penny
  • We don’t care if your family is composed of Bilbo, Balin, Dwalin, Fili, Kili, Dori, Nori, Ori, Oin, Gloin, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur and Thorin Oakenshield.
  • We don’t care if your family is composed of Kermit, Miss Piggy, Fozi Bear and Gonzo
  • We don’t care if your family is composed of Goldilocks And The Three bears
  • We don’t care if your family is composed of Robin Hood and the Big Bad Wolf
  • We don’t care if your family is composed of Megatron, Laser Beak, Starscream and Sound Wave
  • We don’t care if your family is composed of Grandmaster Flash and the Famous Five
  • We don’t care if your family is composed of Cafu, Roberto Carlos, Ronaldo, Ronaldinho and Adriano
  • We don’t care if your family is composed of Swee’pea, Olive Oyl and Wimpy
  • We don’t care if your family is composed of Frank, Joe, Fenton and Laura Hardy
  • We don’t care if the story of you and your daughters is called “Just The Three Of Us” or “The Wealth Of Nations”
  • We don’t care if your college mates called you Casanova or CasaNever
  • We don’t care whether you have enough children to get your own telephone exchange or not
  • We don’t care if your family meetings are held in a living room or in a stadium
  • We don’t care whether the Registrar of Marriages greets you with “You again?”

I hope you get the drift. Kenyans elected you to take charge of their security, their economy, their health, their jobs and that sort of thing. Those are the issues they want to hear you articulate. Anything else is a waste of their time, and yours.

We are beginning to tire of the fact that the only times you speak out it is invariably about Mary Wambui and her immediate offspring.

We don’t care. Trust me.

I think a change to your schedule would do you a power of good. You can delegate your duties but I’m afraid you CANNOT delegate your responsibiity.


“Well! Peter Crouch’s bicycle kick looks more like a Penny Farthing!”

“Oh! Dwight Yorke looks quite in pain — looks like he took all of Gerrard’s weight in his Michael Ballacks!”


Bankelele does an excellent summary of Finance Minister Amos Kimunya’s maiden budget yesterday

Sah’Lomon – Kumba

Parodies Of Parades

The First of June was Madaraka day. It was a day to celebrate Kenya and being Kenyan. It was a time for us to revel in our Kenyanhood and Kenyanness.

And just like everyone else I was then, and I still am now proud to call Kenya Home and Motherland. Many of my friends question this, what with my stinging critique and wholesome derision of the Government. What I tell them is my love for my country has nothing to do with Government.

And just like everyone else I sat down and watched the first few minutes of the festivities. However this was where we parted ways with everyone else. Most people watched with pride as teachers, soldiers, firemen, policemen and even girl guides and boy scouts marched past the presidential dias. Me? I viewed it with acute resentment.

And at a given signal, each and everyone of the marchers would look to the right and salute the dias.

The straw that broke the camel’s back. I viewed this as a slap in the face — a mockery of the hard working people that ARE Kenya.

All of us have at one time or another have participated in a parade. It may have been at those ubiquitous national day celebrations or it may have been at school. Remember if you will standing under that hot sun, in the sweltering heat, waiting as endless speeches were read. Allow me to draw your attention to one fact — that there are a group of people WATCHING the parade, nestled comfortably under tents with cold drinks in hand.

This invariably was the school administration. At the very front were the headmaster and his deputies. Behind them were the other teachers. Behind those were the support staff. And finally the lucky parents who could fit in the tents. The other parents would sit on benches usually occupied by riotously shouting boys singing unbelievably dirty rugby cheering songs, or on seats brought from the classroom.

Similar parallels can be observed in history. Look at the conquering Romans under the leadership of men like Hadrian, Augustus, Trajan and Domitian. Over aggressive expansion programs, or while securing their borders, they build stadiums, collosseums and ampitheates. OUTSIDE their garissons — for the locals.

These stadiums were designed along George Bush -esque lines — to shock and awe the dominion. Of grand construction. Villagers and soldiers would parade and march before interesting activities like gladiators fighting to the death. The subdued would watch all this opulence and strength and discipline and the urge to resist would be silenced. They would hear from the lips of the Romans just how much better life was under them.

And then there would be the fights to the death of the gladiators, and for innovative emperors like Domitian, conquests between women and dwarfs.

And all the while the emperors and centurions and other officials would sit on an elevated, shady pavilion, safely out of the reach of those pesky villagers and mere soldiers. These pesky elements would then provide the entertainment, be it song and dance or butchering each other while blindfolded and tied together.

And some 2000 years later here I am watching the exact same thing, identical to a T.

Continue reading Parodies Of Parades

Oh Please!

When I look at the Kenyan MP it is generally with a powerful urge to smack said MP’s fat head. These people are just schmucks. Really. And that’s not just passion talking. How can a 220 member parliament perpetually have a quorum problem? And on the one day they (mostly) attend, budget day, most can be spotted rattling the rafters with their snoring and dribbling drool throughout the speech, only to be seen later at the garden party aggressively chasing free biscuits and then waxing lyrical from the same canned speech:

“Uh, it was a fairly good speech {munch munch}. The minister touched on most of the core issues affecting the common {munch} man”

The fact that I am working my ass off so that i can have a third of my wages neatly siphoned off to pay these trolls does little to endear them to me, or their offspring for that matter. I recall a time I had the misfortune of meeting the fruit of Ali Mwakwere’s loins, who seemed amazed that I did not know who his father was. I helpfully suggested that the only person who could conclusively answer that question was his mother, but that passed him completely by.

But I digress.

This past Saturday a school group collection bench waste of MPs gathered together to launch yet another new party. It is my opinion that this country has more parties than 31st December, but here again another one is shoved down our throats.

With ill fitting hats crammed onto fat heads, the 50 or so odd MPs stood before a crowd, waving foolishly, dancing ungracefully and blowing more hot air than a sperm whale that has just consumed an hot air balloon. Let us overlook the fact that the section of the crowd that was not paid to attend was there for the free refreshments.

One of the most irritating truths is that Kenyan politicians have taken the term multi-party democracy at face value and are of the opinion that the more political parties there are the more multi-party the country is! Which should not really be a surprise from people who think the Internet is a revolutionary fishing device.

They change parties like soiled underwear. Name one politician who can quote a paragraph of his party’s manifesto (if he knows what it is) and I will eat my hat. They have no beliefs or ideologies or visions, besides the immediate ones of getting power and maintaining it.

Lose party elections? Defect. Wife deliver a boy instead of a girl? Defect. Uchumi collapses like a house of cards? Defect. Suddenly discover that your stomach obscures your view of your toes? Defect.

Let’s look at the rationale of the latest round of defections to the new party.

According the those behind the new party are several BAs, BScs, MScs, MDs, Doctors and Professors. There are also the usual SMS, LOL, ETC, WTF, H2O who are indeed the bulk of the August(September and October) houses.

These denizens of intelligentsia are telling us that “NARC is a tribal outfit so there is a need to form a new party that is not driven by tribalism”.

Well, I have news for you nitwits!

It is not the party that is tribal.
It is the people within it!

The course of action when beholding soiled underwear is precisely the same as that for a tribal party — look for the ass!

These yahoos would have us believe that they will stop being the same tribal cabals. That they will suddenly become nationalists. That they now will be smart enough to hit the water if they fell out of a boat.

Well, I don’t buy it from one bit. People don’t change because their house has been painted a different colour. A rose by any other name is just a sweet. A politician by any other party is just as stinky.

And if you are a new member of this new party raise your right hand and smack your fat head.


You really have to read Kate Wolf’s fascinating blog on life in the DRC. Did you know that DRC is the biggest city NOT to have a movie theater? Or that their banks don’ give loans — you buy a Merc you have to do it with cash money? Read all about it. And whoever said different strokes for different folks must have read #1. And my absolute favourite — the DRC has 33 presidential candidates and 5,000 parliamentary candidates, vying for 500 seats!

Are you a liar? Are you having a bit of nookie on the side unknown to your significant other? Think no one knows those dirty shenanigans you’re up to with Mama Njoki / Secretary / Think again! You could be on Off2Hunt: Exposing married liars and cheats


Nature meets technology

Daudi Kabaka – Musa

21 Questions

Mwai Kibaki and his government faithfully continue to portray the mind numbing absolutely crass stupidity that even now still leaves Kenyans reeling in amazement. The response from cabinet ministers continues to be disjointed, confused and verging on the ridiculous. Some of the Gallic shrugs given by some of the ministers are studies in innocent ignorance.

Mwai Kibaki

The head of state continues to issue a deafening silence that leads one to wonder if he

  1. Didn’t know about it but doesn’t want to look foolish even more foolish
  2. Did indeed know about it but doesn’t want to have to explain himself
  3. Sanctioned it himself

I simply do not understand how John Michuki and his fellows thought that this was a good idea. Even the stupidest politicans have an instinct of self preservation. I guess we’ll have to revise that particular view.

Word on the grapevine is that the masterminds of the raid were Michuki himself, one of Kibaki’s unofficial advisors Stanley Murage and the CID chief. The police commissioner and his other immediate deputies were blissfully unaware of the events. Some, including the Nairobi PPO answered the phone in pyjamas to be told of the events by journalists seeking answers.
The current leading conspiracy theories as to the rationale behind the raids

  1. Clever ploy to divert attention from Anglo Leasing and Goldenberg, which has implicated quite a few in the Kibaki administration
  2. Kibaki no longer cares — he knows his reputation is at rock bottom so he might as well enjoy himself
  3. A loud message to the press and to the opposition that the government is not to be trifled with

The most stunning revelation over the weekend was that there was going to be a second raid on a still yet to be determined location on Friday evening but a sudden downpour threw a spanner in the works.

It is difficult to determine which is more ludicrous — that the government would have the temerity to pull the same stunt again or that the tough, highly trained commandos who find it child’s play to wade into the jaws of death would be put off by a bit of rain.

Internal Security minister John Michuki arrogantly continues to stick to his guns, arguing that what the government did was not illegal. The man even had the temerity to brandish a copy of the constitution at this point. He then went on to accuse the Standard of “subversive activities”, a claim the Standard management have hotly denied.

John Michuki

President Mwai Kibaki, a Catholic, attended Sunday mass at the Holy Family Minor Basilica. The Archbishop of Nairobi wasted no time during his sermon decrying the deteriorating state of affairs. But true to his usual aversion for effort of any kind, Kibaki said nothing and his security men very energetically kept the press away from the president.

The Archbishop, when asked his opinion spoke volumes.

The buck stops at the top.
The very top.

Archbishop Ndingi

One of the good things that has come out of this is the unity of the Kenyan people. I have never seen Kenyans more united over any issue ever since the entry of the NARC government. Everyone from all stations of society have spoken out against this affront. The church, the press themselves, civil society, NGOs, corporate entities — have united in solidarity behind the Standard and KTN.

A very sobering issue in the whole business is that there is no complete chain of command in the security forces. The Police Commissioner Hussein Ali was blissfully unaware of the developments. One of his juniors, the CID head is the one who executed the raid. A visibly angry Commissioner arrived in Nairobi from the Seychelles yesterday and quite candidly told the press he knew nothing about the events.

Commissioner Hussein Ali

The fact that the commissioner can be unaware of such an exercise leaves me speechless with amazement.

The current chain of command I understand is as follows

Chain of command

So in the festivities the Commissioner was cut out of the loop and the CID chief run the operation, on instructions from the internal security minister.

Serious business indeed. It is very serious business when junior officials in the force have their own personal armies that they can deploy without consulting their seniors. I’m afraid of thinking of the implications of such a state of affairs. It beggars the question of just who is in charge. This especially coupled with the fact that the initial police statement accepting responsibility for the raid was crafted in State House


  • Mwai Kibaki will do and say absolutely nothing on the matter and faithful to his usual modus operandi, hope that things go away.
  • John Michuki will continue smirking condescendingly from his perch
  • Documents will suddenly appear nebulously outlining some subversive activities from the Standard group
  • A 15/20 man commission will be formed and tasked to investigate the happenings and will be kept busy for the odd year. The report will then disappear into the netherworld.
  • To divert attention from this mess, the government will pull of something even more devastatingly stupid

Watch this space.

John Lennon – Imagine

Grimm’s Cabinet Lineup

The Brothers Grimm after an intensely nerve wracking two week wait have finally released the newest cabinet lineup of one of the greatest fairy tales of all, the Kenyan Cabinet.

It is hoped that all and sundry will find the changes entertaining


Mwai Kibaki (Never misses an opportunity to miss an opportunity)

The Three (Very Old) Fossilized Bears

– David Mwiraria
– John Michuki
– Njenga Karume

Puss In Boots

Lucy Kibaki

Cinderella (Several Face lifts later, Foot size 18)

Njeru Ndwiga

The Seven Annoyingly Enthusiastic Dwarves

– Moody
– Kiunjuri aka Sleepy (on certain streets)
– Mirugi
– Kituyi
– Saitoti
– Ali (Mwakwere) aka Goofy
– Daudi (Mwenje)

The Billy Goats Gruff (Proof silence is golden)

– Kiraitu Murungi
– Morris Dzoro
– Amos Kimunya

The Big Bad Wolf (Bores prey to death)

Musikari Kombo

Red Riding Hood (Always smiling at nothing)

Raphael Tuju

The Emperor (sans clothes, IQ, etc)

Maina Kamanda

John Legend – Ordinary People

Referendum – Veni Vedi Vinci

I think sufficient time has passed without my touching the topic of politics, sufficient time that has allowed me to drop the ‘political satire’ lapel badge that I seemed to have acquired.

Sufficient time for me to get my hands dirty again in this murky matter.


Kenyans have had three presidents so far, and judging by popular opinion, these are quite enough for us. All three presidents have exhibited symptoms strikingly like those of a small boy that has found himself locked in a toy shop adjoining a sweet shop and away from the eye of authority. For the office of president of Kenya is vested with considerable powers, and all three occupants of the office have not been shy to try these out.

Unlike God, who promised not to lose his temper and get rid of anything and anyone after that business with Noah and the floods, the President has placed no such restrictions in his path and promises nothing. And when he does promise, he has the tendency to forget what he has just promised.

The president can, did, and does stop his convoy (replete with the latest and largest machines whose ancestry can be traced to Karl Benz), step out of his bulletproof, air conditioned limousine and proceed to issue decrees that send junior officials running as hard as they can to effect the decrees. For his word is the law.

As far as Kenyans are concerned, the term ‘humble president’ is bedfellows with other terms like ‘square circle’ and ‘public secret’. When I was a small boy music teachers had a challenging time explaining how patriotic songs frequently and repeatedly contained references to a living president.

Anxious for his people never to suffer the agony of not having his reassuring benevolent countenance nearby, each president wasted little time in putting said countenances on all the legal tender and directing that all business have a portrait of him hanging somewhere prominent within their premises.

Then, with the weary satisfaction of work well done, they rewarded themselves and the country at large with a public holiday, fittingly named after them.

Being a childhood friend of the president, a schoolmate of the president, hailing from the same village as the president, being of the same tribe as the president or being a golfing buddy of the president entitled you to plum positions in his administration. If you were in this category the only criterion to assuming your office was possession of a pulse. Ability to read and write is not essential.

Being related to the president was also a big bonus for those seeking public office. Even those relatives that were cousins so far removed as to be out of sight and on the other hemisphere managed to end up somewhere either articulating or implementing government policy.

Continue reading Referendum – Veni Vedi Vinci

Dad Knows (Almost) Everything

For Rip

When I was a small boy my dad would normally approach his house and home with quite some trepidation because my welcome could consist chiefly of demanding to be carried on his shoulders. No amount of persuasion, intimidation or corruption (in the form of sweets and assorted confectionery) would induce me to change my mode of welcome.

While perched up there, looking smugly down at the world, my father would impart assorted gems of wisdom to his son, one of which was:

“Go to school, work hard, go to university, work hard and you will get a well paying job.”

Each and every one of us, as we grow tend to go through the following stages:

  1. Dad knows everything
  2. Dad knows almost everything
  3. Dad knows many things
  4. Dad knows one or two things
  5. Dad knows nothing
  6. Maybe Dad does know one or two things
  7. Actually Dad knows many things
  8. Dad knows everything

Continue reading Dad Knows (Almost) Everything