Mwai Kibaki and his government faithfully continue to portray the mind numbing absolutely crass stupidity that even now still leaves Kenyans reeling in amazement. The response from cabinet ministers continues to be disjointed, confused and verging on the ridiculous. Some of the Gallic shrugs given by some of the ministers are studies in innocent ignorance.

Mwai Kibaki

The head of state continues to issue a deafening silence that leads one to wonder if he

1. Didn’t know about it but doesn’t want to look foolish even more foolish
2. Did indeed know about it but doesn’t want to have to explain himself
3. Sanctioned it himself

I simply do not understand how John Michuki and his fellows thought that this was a good idea. Even the stupidest politicans have an instinct of self preservation. I guess we’ll have to revise that particular view.

Word on the grapevine is that the masterminds of the raid were Michuki himself, one of Kibaki’s unofficial advisors Stanley Murage and the CID chief. The police commissioner and his other immediate deputies were blissfully unaware of the events. Some, including the Nairobi PPO answered the phone in pyjamas to be told of the events by journalists seeking answers.
The current leading conspiracy theories as to the rationale behind the raids

1. Clever ploy to divert attention from Anglo Leasing and Goldenberg, which has implicated quite a few in the Kibaki administration
2. Kibaki no longer cares — he knows his reputation is at rock bottom so he might as well enjoy himself
3. A loud message to the press and to the opposition that the government is not to be trifled with

The most stunning revelation over the weekend was that there was going to be a second raid on a still yet to be determined location on Friday evening but a sudden downpour threw a spanner in the works.

It is difficult to determine which is more ludicrous — that the government would have the temerity to pull the same stunt again or that the tough, highly trained commandos who find it child’s play to wade into the jaws of death would be put off by a bit of rain.

Internal Security minister John Michuki arrogantly continues to stick to his guns, arguing that what the government did was not illegal. The man even had the temerity to brandish a copy of the constitution at this point. He then went on to accuse the Standard of “subversive activities”, a claim the Standard management have hotly denied.

John Michuki

President Mwai Kibaki, a Catholic, attended Sunday mass at the Holy Family Minor Basilica. The Archbishop of Nairobi wasted no time during his sermon decrying the deteriorating state of affairs. But true to his usual aversion for effort of any kind, Kibaki said nothing and his security men very energetically kept the press away from the president.

The Archbishop, when asked his opinion spoke volumes.

The buck stops at the top.
The very top.

Archbishop Ndingi

One of the good things that has come out of this is the unity of the Kenyan people. I have never seen Kenyans more united over any issue ever since the entry of the NARC government. Everyone from all stations of society have spoken out against this affront. The church, the press themselves, civil society, NGOs, corporate entities — have united in solidarity behind the Standard and KTN.

A very sobering issue in the whole business is that there is no complete chain of command in the security forces. The Police Commissioner Hussein Ali was blissfully unaware of the developments. One of his juniors, the CID head is the one who executed the raid. A visibly angry Commissioner arrived in Nairobi from the Seychelles yesterday and quite candidly told the press he knew nothing about the events.

Commissioner Hussein Ali

The fact that the commissioner can be unaware of such an exercise leaves me speechless with amazement.

The current chain of command I understand is as follows

So in the festivities the Commissioner was cut out of the loop and the CID chief run the operation, on instructions from the internal security minister.

Serious business indeed. It is very serious business when junior officials in the force have their own personal armies that they can deploy without consulting their seniors. I’m afraid of thinking of the implications of such a state of affairs. It beggars the question of just who is in charge. This especially coupled with the fact that the initial police statement accepting responsibility for the raid was crafted in State House

Predictions

• Mwai Kibaki will do and say absolutely nothing on the matter and faithful to his usual modus operandi, hope that things go away.
• John Michuki will continue smirking condescendingly from his perch
• Documents will suddenly appear nebulously outlining some subversive activities from the Standard group
• A 15/20 man commission will be formed and tasked to investigate the happenings and will be kept busy for the odd year. The report will then disappear into the netherworld.
• To divert attention from this mess, the government will pull of something even more devastatingly stupid

Watch this space.

John Lennon – Imagine

The Brothers Grimm after an intensely nerve wracking two week wait have finally released the newest cabinet lineup of one of the greatest fairy tales of all, the Kenyan Cabinet.

It is hoped that all and sundry will find the changes entertaining

Oldilocks

Mwai Kibaki (Never misses an opportunity to miss an opportunity)

The Three (Very Old) Fossilized Bears

– David Mwiraria
– John Michuki
– Njenga Karume

Puss In Boots

Lucy Kibaki

Cinderella (Several Face lifts later, Foot size 18)

Njeru Ndwiga

The Seven Annoyingly Enthusiastic Dwarves

– Moody
– Kiunjuri aka Sleepy (on certain streets)
– Mirugi
– Kituyi
– Saitoti
– Ali (Mwakwere) aka Goofy
– Daudi (Mwenje)

The Billy Goats Gruff (Proof silence is golden)

– Kiraitu Murungi
– Morris Dzoro
– Amos Kimunya

The Big Bad Wolf (Bores prey to death)

Musikari Kombo

Red Riding Hood (Always smiling at nothing)

Raphael Tuju

The Emperor (sans clothes, IQ, etc)

Maina Kamanda

I think sufficient time has passed without my touching the topic of politics, sufficient time that has allowed me to drop the ‘political satire’ lapel badge that I seemed to have acquired.

Sufficient time for me to get my hands dirty again in this murky matter.

Veni

Kenyans have had three presidents so far, and judging by popular opinion, these are quite enough for us. All three presidents have exhibited symptoms strikingly like those of a small boy that has found himself locked in a toy shop adjoining a sweet shop and away from the eye of authority. For the office of president of Kenya is vested with considerable powers, and all three occupants of the office have not been shy to try these out.

Unlike God, who promised not to lose his temper and get rid of anything and anyone after that business with Noah and the floods, the President has placed no such restrictions in his path and promises nothing. And when he does promise, he has the tendency to forget what he has just promised.

The president can, did, and does stop his convoy (replete with the latest and largest machines whose ancestry can be traced to Karl Benz), step out of his bulletproof, air conditioned limousine and proceed to issue decrees that send junior officials running as hard as they can to effect the decrees. For his word is the law.

As far as Kenyans are concerned, the term ‘humble president’ is bedfellows with other terms like ‘square circle’ and ‘public secret’. When I was a small boy music teachers had a challenging time explaining how patriotic songs frequently and repeatedly contained references to a living president.

Anxious for his people never to suffer the agony of not having his reassuring benevolent countenance nearby, each president wasted little time in putting said countenances on all the legal tender and directing that all business have a portrait of him hanging somewhere prominent within their premises.

Then, with the weary satisfaction of work well done, they rewarded themselves and the country at large with a public holiday, fittingly named after them.

Being a childhood friend of the president, a schoolmate of the president, hailing from the same village as the president, being of the same tribe as the president or being a golfing buddy of the president entitled you to plum positions in his administration. If you were in this category the only criterion to assuming your office was possession of a pulse. Ability to read and write is not essential.

Being related to the president was also a big bonus for those seeking public office. Even those relatives that were cousins so far removed as to be out of sight and on the other hemisphere managed to end up somewhere either articulating or implementing government policy.

Continue Reading »

When I was a small boy my dad would normally approach his house and home with quite some trepidation because my welcome could consist chiefly of demanding to be carried on his shoulders. No amount of persuasion, intimidation or corruption (in the form of sweets and assorted confectionery) would induce me to change my mode of welcome.

While perched up there, looking smugly down at the world, my father would impart assorted gems of wisdom to his son, one of which was:

Each and every one of us, as we grow tend to go through the following stages:

1. Dad knows everything
2. Dad knows almost everything
3. Dad knows many things
4. Dad knows one or two things
5. Dad knows nothing
6. Maybe Dad does know one or two things
7. Actually Dad knows many things
8. Dad knows everything

Continue Reading »

The detailed online profiles of those nitwit Oompa Loompas that are our MPs on http://www.parliament.go.ke/ were not totally taken down. You can enjoy reading about their qualifications, ranging from George Saitoti’s PhD, MSC, BA, right down to Njenga Karume’s SMS, ETC, LMAO at this page they forgot to take down.

http://www.parliament.go.ke/members.php

Skee-Lo – I Wish

What was Kenya’s leadership doing instead of standing shoulder to shoulder with the still tearful, still traumatized Kenyan victims of the August 7 bombing?

Blowing hot air from their considerably large blow holes about some nonsense visa.

NOT ONE government official showed up at the commemoration ceremony.

Public money that will be wasted filing court cases in the defence of large sweaty gentlemen with a penchant for falling in bathrooms and shopping at Harrods I feel would be better spent getting treatment for some of the victims that still bear the trauma today.

I work hard from 8:30 to 5:00 and at times up to 7:00 so that my hard earned money will be deducted for people masquerading as leaders to get their grubby hands on my hard earned cash to waste it on spurious expenses like challenging decisions sovereign states have a right to make rather than improving the lot of our people.

Why oh why are we cursed with these self seeking, utterly selfish Gadarene swine?

I for one would not shed a tear if every one of our MPs emulated the Gadarene swine and run off a cliff. Our leadership, ladies and gentlemen, is a chocolate teapot — utterly useless!

Michael Andrews – Mad World

Recent events in the diplomatic arena have led to some rumination: that of the drawers of what is the Kibaki cabinet few leave any doubt that in the intelligence department it is doubtful they would be smart enough to hit the water if they fell out of a boat.

Chris Murungaru, Njeru Ndwiga, Ali Mwakwere and indeed a good chunk of the August House need to get over themselves as soon as possible and realize that double digit IQs are immediately apparent to external observers, discerning or not — they have no need to be exhibited repeatedly. If anyone had doubts that MPs misguidedly think a good deal of themselves these doubts ought to be put to rest by recent utterances they make.

• Chris Murungaru swears to defend his “human rights”. (Shopping at Tiffany’s comes immediately before food, shelter and clothing in the hierarchy).
• Njeru Ndwiga thinks an economy that has a GDP of billions of dollars will throw tantrums at losing the odd coins that Kenyan tenders would provide, and that they would be so incensed that they would ban an insignificant (not literally you understand) cog in the global stage from setting it’s (the cog) sweaty foot on it’s (the economy) soils. This ban will inexplicably open the doors for floodgates of said tenders. So convinced is he that the British populace is pining and withering away in his absence that he strikes a mortal blow to them by depriving them of his company , daring the Home Office to revoke his visa.
• Ali Mwakwere opens his mouth and leave little doubt that prerequisite qualifications to run the foreign affairs ministry are as welcoming and all encompassing as they can get — at minimum you must have a pulse and opposable thumbs. Anyone unfamiliar with the term ‘oxymoron’ needs to listen to this gentleman ask for diplomacy with language that turns the air immediately around him blue for miles. (Credentials to head the Foreign Affairs Ministry can be sourced at Uchumi, Nakumatt or indeed any nearby kiosk)
• Assorted half witted MPs (sadly, the higher quartile in the IQ department of the August House) detect some colonial connotations in the actions. They try (and fail) to explain what is colonial about banning a man from visiting your premises.

Personally i am of the opinion that my house is my sanctuary and I can decide at whim who can and who cannot visit mi casa. What’s more, I do not owe any explanations to anyone. And it is ludicrous for you to sue me because i have refused you access to my house!

Gentlemen (and i use the term very loosely) you do not, repeat, DO NOT have a right to a visa, not to the UK, not to the US, not to Papua New Guinea, not to Surinamme. You do not even have the right to visit a shack in the Kibera slums.

Being a cabinet minister may impress your friends, relatives and livestock here but it holds little or no water beyond that, and still far less abroad, especially factoring in that practically a third of the entire August House are also ministers. Being a minister has become like owning a mobile phone — everyone has one. Beyond your immediate family, friends and admirers (both of them), no one cares whether you are the Minister of Security, the Minister of Transport or the Minister of Livestock with Two or More Feet, so don’t be shocked when your crowd of followers shrinks to the security officials at Tiffany’s who keep you from abstracting items you would rather not pay for.

Unless your job description changed, or there is a Minister’s Exchange Program in operation, your duties are confined to offering services to the people of Kenya. You’ll have to try a lot harder to convince us that surreptitious trips to Britain are part and parcel of your duties.

August Jinx
- Dr John Garang RIP
- King Fahd RIP
- Robin Cook RIP

Fela Kuti – Lady

The talk of the town is that a certain sweaty gentleman, the sight of whom brings to mind the picture of an large elephant in a small tent, has been banned from setting foot in England or any of its territories. He is not, repeat, NOT to be allowed to set said sweaty foot on any English territory.

Walking, one of the few remaining means of transport available for someone

This has naturally caused the gentleman no small amount of panic. Now the next time he falls in a bathroom he will have to – gasp – visit a less exotic doctor, some of whose clientèle come by – gulp! – public transport! Hands that have touched someone who actually opens the car door for himself will touch his (not inconsiderable) bulk! The horror!

He will have to shop at Deacons rather than at Harrod’s. He will have to substitute Raymond’s for Savile Row. The agony! And now he will wistfully watch his colleagues as they set off for holidays and medical appointments (funny how many members of the Kibaki Cabinet keep falling in bathrooms!)

Naturally speculation is rife as to what led to the ban. The top reason floated is allegations of corruption. However some of us of us are of the opinion that during a state reception he must have:

• Requested a bewildered string orchestra to play Tanto Metro & Devonte and then tried to dirty dance with the Queen.
• Left unsightly damp stains on the King George and Queen Elizabeth furniture. The bitter underfootmen were heard to loudly question the “pore problem” excuse proferred.
• Carried with him Kiraitu Murungi’s joke book and brought the house wrath of the gods down
• Unwisely and unmelodiously sang the chorus to Perfect Gentleman when Cherie Blair had just taken to the floor
• Any combination thereof

The traditional British stiff upper lip kept tempers in check but upon learning that the Colossus of Rongai was planning a return foreign office officials moved faster than MPs towards a bundle of public money.

That aside, the entire fiasco has given the Kenyan Electorate ample evidence that the average Cabinet Minister has the intelligence of a carton of biscuits.

“It is because the British have been losing tenders“, said one giant among intellectuals, modestly flaunting his double digit IQ, blissfully aware that British firms need Kenyan tenders about as much as Bill Gates needs a loan.

These ladies and gentlemen in charge of devising, articulating and implementing Kenyan policy do not seem to realize that the British GDP in 2004 was about $ 1,750,000,000,000. Those are nine zeros. Kenyan tenders contribute next to nothing!

The minister says that he is a scapegoat. Popular opinion is that he is half right (he is no scape!)

Breaking news: The schmuck wants to sue the UK! Ha ha! Some of us need to ensure that we open the garage door before we start the engine!

Grim News

The reported death of Sudanese Vice President John Garang is no small setback to the peace initiatives in Sudan. Since nature abhors vacuum, I have no doubt that there are a number of individuals who feel strongly that they should be the ones to fill Garang’s shoes.

The conspiracy theorist in me is highly sceptical that Garang’s death was a mere plane crash. I wager that Museveni will soon find himself answering some difficult questions from all quarters

THOUGHT OF THE DAY
August may not be a jinxed month but it sure is trying!

PIC OF THE DAY

“Do you know how many times I’ve seen local doctors? Five! And four of those I was sill in diapers!”

Les Nubians – Temperature Rising