Some months ago while watching one of the innumerable series on TV I reached a conclusion that startled even myself.

"This is complete and utter bullshit."

One hour after watching the series I did an audit of how exactly I had benefited and came away with a net loss on the balance sheet, as I had lost an hour of my valuable time and gained absolutely nothing.

As time progressed that echo became an old friend while watching credits scrolling and I started to ponder and reflect: is there any value that many of the TV programs add?

Now, I am not going to say that we should be watching documentaries of isotopic uranium and nuclear fission 24 hours a day, but I KNOW for a fact that there has to be a line between entertainment and nonsense.

The fact of the matter is that we are being flooded with mind numbing fare masquerading as television programming that is slowly but surely doing its bit hand over fist to reduce us to a crowd of balling simpletons.

Look for instance to the proliferation of so called ‘reality series’. One is amazed at their sheer number. Ranging from isolation in remote places (Survivor), to job interviews (The Apprentice) to Cooking (Top Chef) and ultimately the nails across the blackboard, the ‘dating’ (The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, et al). Not to mention the amorphous Big Brother. There are undoubtedly a dozen other of these mind numbing fare i get a headache trying to think of others.

I won’t dignify soaps by addressing them here.

As if they were not enough, there are spin-offs of the same. So there is The Apprentice, the Apprentice UK and Celebrity Apprentice, all of which consume 40-50 minutes of viewing time.

Two years ago in the course of conversation my mother asked me why I watched Big Brother. I can’t remember exactly what I answered but I certainly remember floundering for several seconds trying to find an answer.

Last year I asked myself thus: Big Brother is a program about 20+ people in a house. Do I have 96 minutes, let alone 96 days to keep track of these people who I don’t know from Adam? The answer will come as no surprise and I spend those 96 days in blissful ignorance of the events in the house. I fondly believe I am not worse off.

This Saturday I watched a promotion of a Bachelor type program whose twist was the Bachelor was to select his partner specifically from a series of plus sized women. Er. Yes.

I unfortunately watched one episode of The Apprentice Martha Stewart where the challenge was to design and cook some sort of soup.

How this got approved, much less aired leaves one speechless. I fell into a coma and came to after 48 hours as my brain protested the abuse.

The novelty of series has worn off as well. It is a foregone conclusion that there will always be 5 or so twists of the tale in every episode of Lost.

You no longer need to watch 24 to know that Jack Bauer will kill everybody. Terrorists, bosses, colleagues, criminals.

Not only will there will always be a new quest in Heroes, but at the end everyone will probably either  turn out to have been bad guys all along or related.

I stopped watching Prison Break when after 4 or so series the bloody fellows were still in prison

Are you noticing even after 7 or 8 seasons it’s the same stuff? Absolutely nothing new! Same plots. Same plot devices. And these were for the interesting series. What about absolute corkers like this one? I got a headache just watching the synopsis.

Hollywood has realized that like sheep we’ll watch whatever muppetry they shove down our throats and so were are treated to a constellation of nonsense that leave us unable to mentally hit the water if we fell out of a boat.

We are not spared when it comes to movies.

It seems 9 out of every 10 movies are ‘romantic comedies’ that are neither romantic nor funny. If yon managed to finish watching All About Steve with Sandra Bullock you know what I mean.

Of the remaining 10% of movies, half of these are POORLY, and I do mean poorly, executed remakes of classics. Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen I’m looking at you! And if anyone watched the original Pink Panther with Peter Sellers, the monstrosity that Steve Martin poorly made with Beyonce, (BEYONCE for Goodness’ sake)! will be quite apparent. And the less said about G.I. Joe the better.

I have simply decided to be more discerning of what I watch. Currently the only series I find worth watching are

Spartacus: Blood & Sand – Gripping stuff. Story, cinematography

Hustle – Geniuses are writing this

Leverage – Not a bad effort at all at imitating Hustle, but the black guy’s comments are just too cliche

Dexter – A bit too dark for many. Definitely an acquired taste.

Top Gear – No explanation necessary

Otherwise I spend my time on History, Discovery Channel & BBC Knowledge.

As a result of these cuts I have noticed availability of time to do other things an increase in my IQ!

Moral: Conserve your few remaining brain cells. Mind what you watch!

PIC OF THE DAY

Some institutions, such as the female purse, the female facilities and the establishment where the female purchases what we shall call delicate attire are out of bounds to the male of the gender.

Attempts to to access these Level 1 areas by the male invariably leads to trouble. I know of two fellows who foolishly attempted to gain access to the women’s facilities at I&M Building. We are yet to hear of them again.

Some years back I was given the opportunity to look into a female handbag. Immediately classifying the female that made this offer as an enemy of the State bent on my destruction and complete annihilation I did not stop running till several kilometers away.

But the Lord works in mysterious ways and I found myself in action in an establishment that sells women’s underwear. How and why I got there are not relevant to the matter at hand. Suffice it to say I took advantage of the opportunity and attempted to gather intelligence.

It was a matter of moments to be mystified, flabbergasted and flummoxed at some of the things I saw.

I could ask to know

1. What Nippless Covers are, and if there are covers for Nipps
2. What secrets are covered by Secret Covers, and why they necessitate flashing

But I won’t. Some things like whatever happens in Lost, are best left undiscovered.

Nakumatt are not kidding when they say "You need it? We got it".

Was taking the lovely wife shopping and was amazed to find this offered for sale on the shelves

Just what on earth are those?

Sorry lads, I could not resist.

Liverpool’s disastrous run can perhaps be understood following the unveiling of their new kit…

Life in Kenya is best described as … interesting. No word quite captures the nuances of life in this wonderful country. The next best attempt was made MD of one of the leading mobile telephony provider, who famously described his clientele as ‘peculiar’ some data presented to him by his sales and marketing departments on our calling habits.

Global recessions, famine, and fallout from a chaotic and ugly electoral process aside, upon contemplating my existence in this land I love, I find that unlike many of our 53 odd neighbours, we have much to smile about.

Among the plethora of institutions funded wholly by the taxpayer is the Kenya Anti Corruption Commission, the KACC. You’d be surprised to know that the KACC is not known for slaying the hydra of corruption. The KACC, surprisingly, is better known by the fact that the Director pockets a handsome salary of 2.5 million Kenyan shillings. To aid in perspective, the president mentioned above has a salary of 2.2 million shillings, and the minimum wage is just over 7,000 shillings.

I personally would not mind contributing to this gentleman’s salary was it not for the fact that besides several flights, and the occasional flu, it is difficult to point at anything else that gentleman has caught. Pundits have loudly wondered if there would be any difference if the organization existed at all. Apprehension of the odd chicken thief and the junior policeman pocketing the odd hundred shilling note is, on the whole, not commensurate with the infrastructure and wage bill that institution has at its disposal.

Our members of parliament are some of the most highly paid in the world, all 220 or so of them. Again, I would not mind paying their handsome salaries were it not for the fact that a good number of these fine characters barely have opposable thumbs and binocular vision. Fisticuffs among our honourable members are a common occurrence.

Today I’m taking in with suspended belief the news that our President has exercised the authority of his office and with immediate effect the Police Commissioner will relinquish his duties in the police force and report for his new duties as the Postmaster General of the Postal Corporation of Kenya. I suspect that ex-army and now ex-policeman will find that the bullets in letters are dealt with somewhat differently.

I’m reminded of the day of the national budget, when our worthy finance minister attempted to contain his cabinet colleagues by issuing a decree that all official vehicles have a capacity not greater than 1800 cc. This news was received with stunned amazement by the honourable members who loudly inquired how they were supposed to drive on the terrible roads with small cars. One minister loudly complained that the thought of driving the same vehicle as a teenager was inconsistent with his dignity as a cabinet minister and a human being as a whole.

Going back to our head of state, it is unanimously agreed that worthy leader adopts a famously laissez faire attitude towards the execution of his duties. In fact there are two schools of thought, one that fronts his belief in infrastructure and delegation of duties and the other of the opinion the Commander In Chief of our armed forces has an acute disinclination to work.

What impresses both camps is that when it comes to enumerating the members of the first family, His Excellency’s enthusiasm and verve is second to none. To put this into context, there has long been speculation of an unofficial second occupant of the office of the first lady. This speculation has not been kindly received by the official occupant of said office. The sight of the powerful man able to declare war on friends and foe reading the names of his spouse (one) and offspring is not one that comes often.

Much has been said about the unfortunate events of the 2007 elections. The democratic process has much to be proud of when a constituency has an impressive voter turnout of 120%. The chairman of Electoral Commission of Kenya, while reading such logistic discrepancies, had a cherubic mien as he read out remarkable statistics like in a region with 100,000 registered voters, 120,000 votes were cast.

The results of that process led to an unwilling coalition of bedfellows, with an incumbent president retaining office, a third place finisher who finished so far behind as to be first in the 2012 elections taking office as Vice President and the second placed finisher being sworn in as Prime Minister. With close to 40 ministers, taking minutes at Cabinet meetings is not work for the faint at heart. With close to 40 ministers, those who don’t quite understand the logistic difficulties faced in the construction of the Tower Of Babel are invited to observe the operations of the Kenyan cabinet.

Yes, there is plenty to smile about.

A brief recap of the things we cannot get reliably follows:

1. Water
2. Electricity
3. Security
4. Food
5. Forest cover
6. Roads

A brief recap of what you provide reliably follows:

1. Bullshit
2. Noise
3. Tribalism
4. Theft of our money
5. Theft of our resources
6. Entertainment

I assure you dear leaders, we prefer the former.

What’s more, I deeply resent the fact that 46% of everything I earn goes into your pockets to pay for your expenses, Mistresses in Lavington, travel junkets and H2O to water your ducks, swans and geese while I wallow in hardship, hungry, thirsty and in the dark

I refuse to address you and your ilk as honourable, for you are no such thing.

I am mystified that in 2009, 45 years after independence we are still suffering indignities of power and water rationing. How is it that at tropical country straddling the equator with good weather is suffering indignities that Israel, a country that only has sand is not? Nonsense I say.

I had much faith in the ‘new, young’ leadership that were elected in the last election. These fellows have proven to be as cloth headed as their predecessors if not more. The young MPs in this parliament seem to be particularly challenged in the intelligence department. Sad really.

I read in today’s paper that some of you object to being lectured on good governance.

I would recommend you tell your objections to the birds because I for one cannot take one more second of your empty, meaningless speeches. I would think a better way to keep from being lectured on good governance is to govern well but this solution does not seem to have caught your attention.

Thanks to you we have killed each other and burned our property. Thanks to you we are now reduced to tribes and regions. Thanks to you we are retrogressing in every possible way. Thanks to you we are achieving the dubious distinction of being 14th in the list of failed states.

Before you get puffed up, let me leave you under no illusions. If you cannot provide

• Food
• Water
• Security
• Freedom of movement
• Leadership

Then you are governing a gaddem failed state!

It amuses me to no end that last week you announced arrival of high speed Internet and today you announce power rationing. Sometimes I feel like an unknowing participant in Saturday Night Live.

it is no coincidence that I refused to move for your passing convoy the other day. The next time we meet  I won’t either. Why should I? Remember that I’m your boss, and not the other way.

Now that you have ruined this country, killed its people and agreed to absolve yourselves of the blame and don’t seem all that bothered about it, I take comfort in the fact that what goes around invariably comes around. You’ll get yours.

Yours,

A disappointed and disgusted Kenyan.

PIC OF THE DAY

Eh! What are Batman & Robin doing?

The level of canned phrases doing the rounds in newspapers, radio, TV and magazines is rapidly assuming dimensions of a natural disaster. It is very difficult nowadays to ingest news in any of the various alternatives (let us limit to reading, watching and listening) without being left with a feeling of slight bewilderment, leaving you looking like Musikari Kombo after Moses Wetangula passes by with a manilla folder with the Ford Kenya Logo.

We can lay the cause of this state of affairs straight at the feet of marketing types and the press, who ply us day in day out with the same cliches.

It was the dawning of a new day, heralding one small step for man and one giant step for mankind. Cognizant of the looming economic crisis, an individual we shall call Bill who wishes to remain anonymous on the grounds that he is not authorized to comment, rose from his bed like a phoenix from the ashes.

Levering the cutting edge technology of opposable thumbs and knees, Bill climbed down from his bed, engaging first gear in the first phase of the operation to secure breakfast. Partners and stakeholders in the enterprise, fully invested, included his dog Woofy and his cat Tom, who were the latest initiatives in the cutting edge of modern pet-titude, watched him rise through the banisters.

Rather than eat out, Bill elected to quickly have a have a local tribunal, at the conclusion of which swine was drawn, quartered and fried over a greasy fire with Milk 2.0 and Next Generation Bread.

I’m just saying, personally I would rather

Bill woke up and headed upstairs to the kitchen, where he had bacon, milk & bread

But that’s just me.

Just last week some bright eyed, enthusiastic marketing types infested my presence visited me. Gushing with enthusiasm and verve they laid a tapestry of powerpoint slides with more bullets than a meeting of APs and regular policemen before my jaundiced eye.

Powerpoint presentations, as I regularly tell my peers, are not always a source of subliminal clues for slumber. With a sporting attitude, a visiting bore presenter can be turned into a rich opportunity to make some extra money. There are several games that you can play, but I won’t betray all my secrets here. I will however let you know one of my favourite.

You will require at least two accomplices and a bit of cash to wager. The aim of the game is to get the Piriton presenter to say a word completely unrelated to the subject matter. The first person to get the sandman presenter to say the word pockets the cash. So in a presentation about Internet security the word could be something like fairy. Or smurf. Or if the presentation is about finance, a good word is rump. The easiest technique is to ask questions guiding the poor fool towards doom. I remember hearing once of an instance where the daring word chosen was buttock. Regrettably I was not present to participate but the third hand accounts of the event that trickled out indicate extremely bewildered presenters wondering at the enthusiasm, though somewhat misguided, of the participants.

Also last week one of those consultant types, nattily dressed in a pin striped suit and Frank Sinatra’s shoes confidently opened his pitch with how he was going to turn around our operations by 360 degrees. I did my best to resist the temptation but alas I failed. It was as our consultant, as per my request, drew a circle on the white board and marked out in 15 degree increments the points of the circle, that I began to suspect he would not consider me among his inner circle of friends.

PIC OF THE DAY

Jameni! What did that robot do to Lois Lane?