tHiNkEr’S rOoM

Nakumatt are not kidding when they say "You need it? We got it".

Was taking the lovely wife shopping and was amazed to find this offered for sale on the shelves

Just what on earth are those?

Sorry lads, I could not resist.

Liverpool’s disastrous run can perhaps be understood following the unveiling of their new kit…

Life in Kenya is best described as … interesting. No word quite captures the nuances of life in this wonderful country. The next best attempt was made MD of one of the leading mobile telephony provider, who famously described his clientele as ‘peculiar’ some data presented to him by his sales and marketing departments on our calling habits.

Global recessions, famine, and fallout from a chaotic and ugly electoral process aside, upon contemplating my existence in this land I love, I find that unlike many of our 53 odd neighbours, we have much to smile about.

Among the plethora of institutions funded wholly by the taxpayer is the Kenya Anti Corruption Commission, the KACC. You’d be surprised to know that the KACC is not known for slaying the hydra of corruption. The KACC, surprisingly, is better known by the fact that the Director pockets a handsome salary of 2.5 million Kenyan shillings. To aid in perspective, the president mentioned above has a salary of 2.2 million shillings, and the minimum wage is just over 7,000 shillings.

I personally would not mind contributing to this gentleman’s salary was it not for the fact that besides several flights, and the occasional flu, it is difficult to point at anything else that gentleman has caught. Pundits have loudly wondered if there would be any difference if the organization existed at all. Apprehension of the odd chicken thief and the junior policeman pocketing the odd hundred shilling note is, on the whole, not commensurate with the infrastructure and wage bill that institution has at its disposal.

Our members of parliament are some of the most highly paid in the world, all 220 or so of them. Again, I would not mind paying their handsome salaries were it not for the fact that a good number of these fine characters barely have opposable thumbs and binocular vision. Fisticuffs among our honourable members are a common occurrence.

Today I’m taking in with suspended belief the news that our President has exercised the authority of his office and with immediate effect the Police Commissioner will relinquish his duties in the police force and report for his new duties as the Postmaster General of the Postal Corporation of Kenya. I suspect that ex-army and now ex-policeman will find that the bullets in letters are dealt with somewhat differently.

I’m reminded of the day of the national budget, when our worthy finance minister attempted to contain his cabinet colleagues by issuing a decree that all official vehicles have a capacity not greater than 1800 cc. This news was received with stunned amazement by the honourable members who loudly inquired how they were supposed to drive on the terrible roads with small cars. One minister loudly complained that the thought of driving the same vehicle as a teenager was inconsistent with his dignity as a cabinet minister and a human being as a whole.

Going back to our head of state, it is unanimously agreed that worthy leader adopts a famously laissez faire attitude towards the execution of his duties. In fact there are two schools of thought, one that fronts his belief in infrastructure and delegation of duties and the other of the opinion the Commander In Chief of our armed forces has an acute disinclination to work.

What impresses both camps is that when it comes to enumerating the members of the first family, His Excellency’s enthusiasm and verve is second to none. To put this into context, there has long been speculation of an unofficial second occupant of the office of the first lady. This speculation has not been kindly received by the official occupant of said office. The sight of the powerful man able to declare war on friends and foe reading the names of his spouse (one) and offspring is not one that comes often.

Much has been said about the unfortunate events of the 2007 elections. The democratic process has much to be proud of when a constituency has an impressive voter turnout of 120%. The chairman of Electoral Commission of Kenya, while reading such logistic discrepancies, had a cherubic mien as he read out remarkable statistics like in a region with 100,000 registered voters, 120,000 votes were cast.

The results of that process led to an unwilling coalition of bedfellows, with an incumbent president retaining office, a third place finisher who finished so far behind as to be first in the 2012 elections taking office as Vice President and the second placed finisher being sworn in as Prime Minister. With close to 40 ministers, taking minutes at Cabinet meetings is not work for the faint at heart. With close to 40 ministers, those who don’t quite understand the logistic difficulties faced in the construction of the Tower Of Babel are invited to observe the operations of the Kenyan cabinet.

Yes, there is plenty to smile about.

A brief recap of the things we cannot get reliably follows:

1. Water
2. Electricity
3. Security
4. Food
5. Forest cover
6. Roads

A brief recap of what you provide reliably follows:

1. Bullshit
2. Noise
3. Tribalism
4. Theft of our money
5. Theft of our resources
6. Entertainment

I assure you dear leaders, we prefer the former.

What’s more, I deeply resent the fact that 46% of everything I earn goes into your pockets to pay for your expenses, Mistresses in Lavington, travel junkets and H2O to water your ducks, swans and geese while I wallow in hardship, hungry, thirsty and in the dark

I refuse to address you and your ilk as honourable, for you are no such thing.

I am mystified that in 2009, 45 years after independence we are still suffering indignities of power and water rationing. How is it that at tropical country straddling the equator with good weather is suffering indignities that Israel, a country that only has sand is not? Nonsense I say.

I had much faith in the ‘new, young’ leadership that were elected in the last election. These fellows have proven to be as cloth headed as their predecessors if not more. The young MPs in this parliament seem to be particularly challenged in the intelligence department. Sad really.

I read in today’s paper that some of you object to being lectured on good governance.

I would recommend you tell your objections to the birds because I for one cannot take one more second of your empty, meaningless speeches. I would think a better way to keep from being lectured on good governance is to govern well but this solution does not seem to have caught your attention.

Thanks to you we have killed each other and burned our property. Thanks to you we are now reduced to tribes and regions. Thanks to you we are retrogressing in every possible way. Thanks to you we are achieving the dubious distinction of being 14th in the list of failed states.

Before you get puffed up, let me leave you under no illusions. If you cannot provide

• Food
• Water
• Security
• Freedom of movement
• Leadership

Then you are governing a gaddem failed state!

It amuses me to no end that last week you announced arrival of high speed Internet and today you announce power rationing. Sometimes I feel like an unknowing participant in Saturday Night Live.

it is no coincidence that I refused to move for your passing convoy the other day. The next time we meet  I won’t either. Why should I? Remember that I’m your boss, and not the other way.

Now that you have ruined this country, killed its people and agreed to absolve yourselves of the blame and don’t seem all that bothered about it, I take comfort in the fact that what goes around invariably comes around. You’ll get yours.

Yours,

A disappointed and disgusted Kenyan.

PIC OF THE DAY

Eh! What are Batman & Robin doing?

The level of canned phrases doing the rounds in newspapers, radio, TV and magazines is rapidly assuming dimensions of a natural disaster. It is very difficult nowadays to ingest news in any of the various alternatives (let us limit to reading, watching and listening) without being left with a feeling of slight bewilderment, leaving you looking like Musikari Kombo after Moses Wetangula passes by with a manilla folder with the Ford Kenya Logo.

We can lay the cause of this state of affairs straight at the feet of marketing types and the press, who ply us day in day out with the same cliches.

It was the dawning of a new day, heralding one small step for man and one giant step for mankind. Cognizant of the looming economic crisis, an individual we shall call Bill who wishes to remain anonymous on the grounds that he is not authorized to comment, rose from his bed like a phoenix from the ashes.

Levering the cutting edge technology of opposable thumbs and knees, Bill climbed down from his bed, engaging first gear in the first phase of the operation to secure breakfast. Partners and stakeholders in the enterprise, fully invested, included his dog Woofy and his cat Tom, who were the latest initiatives in the cutting edge of modern pet-titude, watched him rise through the banisters.

Rather than eat out, Bill elected to quickly have a have a local tribunal, at the conclusion of which swine was drawn, quartered and fried over a greasy fire with Milk 2.0 and Next Generation Bread.

I’m just saying, personally I would rather

Bill woke up and headed upstairs to the kitchen, where he had bacon, milk & bread

But that’s just me.

Just last week some bright eyed, enthusiastic marketing types infested my presence visited me. Gushing with enthusiasm and verve they laid a tapestry of powerpoint slides with more bullets than a meeting of APs and regular policemen before my jaundiced eye.

Powerpoint presentations, as I regularly tell my peers, are not always a source of subliminal clues for slumber. With a sporting attitude, a visiting bore presenter can be turned into a rich opportunity to make some extra money. There are several games that you can play, but I won’t betray all my secrets here. I will however let you know one of my favourite.

You will require at least two accomplices and a bit of cash to wager. The aim of the game is to get the Piriton presenter to say a word completely unrelated to the subject matter. The first person to get the sandman presenter to say the word pockets the cash. So in a presentation about Internet security the word could be something like fairy. Or smurf. Or if the presentation is about finance, a good word is rump. The easiest technique is to ask questions guiding the poor fool towards doom. I remember hearing once of an instance where the daring word chosen was buttock. Regrettably I was not present to participate but the third hand accounts of the event that trickled out indicate extremely bewildered presenters wondering at the enthusiasm, though somewhat misguided, of the participants.

Also last week one of those consultant types, nattily dressed in a pin striped suit and Frank Sinatra’s shoes confidently opened his pitch with how he was going to turn around our operations by 360 degrees. I did my best to resist the temptation but alas I failed. It was as our consultant, as per my request, drew a circle on the white board and marked out in 15 degree increments the points of the circle, that I began to suspect he would not consider me among his inner circle of friends.

PIC OF THE DAY

Jameni! What did that robot do to Lois Lane?

Few things are simultaneously exciting and terrifying like flying. I love everything about flying except the takeoff, and specifically the bit when the plane levels out. There was a flight I once took when I was sure that the damn thing had stopped mid-air and was deciding whether or not to crash. I love the rest. flying over the clouds, taking photos of clouds and formations and leaving the air flight hostesses in no doubt that the only time that powdered gunk they call milk will be introduced into my cup I will at the time be flying not as a passenger but as cargo. There’s no way I’m paying outrageous fare to drink powdered plaster of Paris. I know there is real milk in the galley and by George I’m going to get some.

In light of the unfortunate Air France crash, I recall a few years back I was flying from Gaborone to Jo’burg, and the passengers, (both of us) were asked to strap in by smiling stewardesses. We obliged. They then began the traditional volley of instructions on safe flying and halfway through, unable to contain myself I put my hand up.

The one giving me the instructions looked taken aback at the occurrence. Clearly she had yet to be questioned.

“Now then, Kelly,” I began comfortably. “We will be flying at 30,000 feet, which is 9-10 kilometers up, and  this Boeing 737 weighs about 50,000 kilos. True?”

Kelly gave her best South African Airways smile. “True”.

“Should something happen, gravity will insist that those 30,000 feet above sea level be reduced to more manageable levels. So, let’s say we have engine failure. Without the engine a 737 has the grace of an obese hippopotamus in molasses soaked weetabix. This bad boy will descend with the momentum of the gods. We will hit the ground so hard a small hill will be created in China. True?”

Kelly smiled her most professional smile.

“But we might hit the water,” my fellow passenger said thoughtfully.

“Clearly you have never belly flopped at the local swimming pool. At the speed we’ll be going by the time the plane hits the water, we might as well hit concrete. Less damp. But I digress. My point is, fortune does not favour the poor fools in a 50 tonne aircraft that had a direct hit to soil or water having descended as quickly as possible from 9 kilometers up.”

There was a brief silence and my wisdom was digested.

“Seriously, Kelly, is there any point in all these precautions? Will me putting my head between my knees, acrobat that I may be, make a difference if the plane hits the Republic Of Botswana at several hundred miles an hour?”

Kelly did not have an answer for me. But she gave me an extra dinner and several bags of peanuts and fascinating stories of the colourful life of cabin crew.

Our Father, who art in Heaven, was pleasantly surprised to hear from characters who generally used His Name in vain.

The rationale behind sending our 200+ MPs to coast on some amorphous retreat ranks right up mystifies me. Completely.

I mean, let’s do some guesstimations.

There are about 210 Muppets MPs. I doubt any of these pillars of integrity will be spending two nights in a tent. Nor will they stay in a rustic bed and breakfast. These good people will expect 5, and of possible. 6 star treatment. Let’s say a room of prerequisite level of luxury, with meals is about 15,000 a night. So, for two nights the budget for the 210 Trolls MPs is 210 * 15,000 * 2 = 6,300,000.

Six million bob!

Now, we also need to get these wastrels MPs there. I don’t see them volunteering to take a Mash Auto or Coast Bus. So we will need to fly them there. A return ticket, according the Kenya Airways site, is 144$ which is about 11,520. For 210 golliwogs MPs that equates to 2,419,200.

MPs have long been accustomed to the term ‘per-diem’ and even say it in their sleep. Let us say they get 100 bucks to piss away spend wisely in case of emergencies. So for 210 garden gnomes MPs that would be 1,680,000.

And finally, they will no doubt need some sort of media kit – pens, writing pads, etc for them to purport to look busy while in fact sleeping soundly/ texting knowledgeable locals about where to find action learn.

This brings the total expenses to be about 10,399,200.

Ten million shillings.

Now the popular defence is that the UNDP is picking up the tab. This is bullshit for several reasons

• The UN gets is money from taxpayers all over the world. Someone’s money is being pissed away either way
• MPs can presumably speak and understand English in Nairobi (though I cannot vouch for this)
• There are many many more pressing needs that require funding – looming famine, internally displaced Kenyans, victims of various fires

This ten million shillings is just being pissed away for no good reason. It makes no fiscal sense.

If it is in someone’s KPIs at the UNDP to piss away perfectly good money spend money and this is their way of appeasing the bean counters, I feel sorry for that institution. If they really want to piss away those funds, let them have the meeting in Nairobi and donate the excess funds to various initiatives to support the various initiatives in need to support, such as feeding the hungry or settling and supporting the IDPs.

It speaks volumes that the UNDP is willing to piss away money during a global recession!