Category Archives: Theater

Cabinet Tales VII

Disclaimer. Fiction. Any relation between the characters below and real people is a pure coincidence.

Katumani 1: (Singing) PARAPANDA ZINALIA, PARAPANDA…

Ganja 1: Ay. Stop that. And btw get out of my bathroom. Why are you always here? You were given a whole building for your offices in town!

Katumani 1: Usikuwe hivyo! *Sniff*

Ganja 1: Alright, alright. Enough with the waterworks. Can we call this meeting to order.

Kimemia: Order!

Rotich: I have some concerns over this budget. We are overstretched. And this proposal to tax unga…

Kimemia: What is “unga”?

Katumani 1: Ha ha!

Kimemia: You Ponyoka Na Millioni be quiet. Don’t think I have forgotten about your jet!

Katumani 1: *Sniff*

Ganja 1: (Angrily) Now look what you’ve done! Remember when you guys have gone he’ll be here sobbing into my cushions!

Mac10: Now, about these laptops …

Ganja 1: I hear there are some laptops called Uhuru. By name alone they must be good ….

Amina: Some people here keep staring at me. It’s flattering, yes, but It’s undiplomatic

Kambi: Yes. It is a labour of love. Ha ha!

Macharia: Ha ha!

Amina: What are you laughing at? You think a stethoscope is something you find on a submarine!

Kamau: Thank God I am organized, focused, and I think big. To reduce congestion on our roads I am proposing Kenyans stop driving and start using light aircraft

Ganja 1: BTW Wario, while I admire your commitment to your duty, I’m not sure it is in order for the Sports Cabinet Secretary to attend our meeting in P.E. kit

Omamo: Nice legs, btw

Ngilu: Ha ha!

Wario: What are some people’s qualifications, over and above 40 words per minute?

Balala: (Looking into a pocket mirror) Manze, mimi ni fine-thank-you!

Ganja 1: Please. Let us all re-iterate our commitment. Btw, I love saying the word commitment. Let me say it again. Commitment.

Katumani 1: (Singing) “… I suffered all these years, and shed so many tears …”

Ganja 1: Please, let us put away our iPhones and stop singing 2Pac

Rotich: There is also this item of 100 million on Ruto’s house …

Katumani 1: Mwanaume ni effort manze. There’s a gym there. People need to exercise their biceps, triceps, quardriceps …

Amina: and tear ducts….

Ganja 1: (Hastily) Cmon now! Not cool. She didn’t mean that

Adan: I wish I was defence secretary. Have you seen my Angry Birds scores?

Ganja 1: I expect everyone to affirm their commitment to their responsibilities. Kusema na ku …

Katumani 1: TENDER!

Balala: BTW, there is this musician, Redsan. Can you clear the air whether he is Kenyan or Jamaican, Amina

Amina:Well, South B is just north of Kingston so I’ll leave you to draw your own conclusions

Chirchir: Oga-o ma sista-o!

Amina: Is that an attempt to mock me?

Kandie: Some people say. Others do. Chine-du!

Omamo: Oh! NOW you find your voice!

Kimemia: Order!

Adan: The fisheries minister has fish fingers in his coat pockets …

Kosgey: I cannot imagine how they got there *nom nom nom*

Ganja 1: Seriously guys. My commitment to affirmation is solid. I mean affirmation to commitment. This teachers thing … our children are suffering!

Kimemia: What are children? And what is suffering?

Mac10: Teachers can teach with laptops. After all, they all have laps.

Ganja 1: Has anyone seen my frequent flyer miles? (Checks pockets) I must have left it in my other suit.

*Flushing loo*

Katumani 1: (Emerging) BTW there’s some graffiti in there. LOL

Omamo: You know, you’re not actually supposed to say “LOL”

Katumani 1: But I see it all the time on Twitter. That and *Crying*

Amina: Yup. You’ve seen a lot of that all right.

Katumani 1: Ay! What does that mean?

Ganja 1: (Hastily) Ok! What does the graffiti say?

If State House was the Vatican, we’d be on our eleventh Pope since March

From The Desk Of The Government Spokesman

image

Fellow Kenyans,

My name is Alfred ‘Chemical Ali’ Mutua, Government Spokesman for the Banana Republic of Kenya. My duty is to enlighten the people in Kenya by giving them the facts, not what they think are the facts.

Maize

Contrary to popular belief, there is no maize shortage. There is plenty of maize. The problem is that the maize is at a location of which we are unaware. Besides, would we export maize to Sudan if we had it?

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Of course not! Also, I would like to categorically state that our Agriculture Minister is allergic to maize, ugali,porridge and indeed anything that contains or looks like maize and therefore cannot be involved in any scandals. Kenyans should diversify and instead of insisting on maize look at alternatives like corn and mahindi.

Taxes

Much has been said about MPs and civil servants paying their taxes. Government takes pride that its members refused to give in to peer pressure and took the high road. We can’t all be paying taxes. Think about it. It’s just not logical. Or fair.

Activists

Government does not tolerate activists. We insist that activists take their activation elsewhere. We have channels and institutions to address any manner of issues. Look at how we handled Goldenberg, Anglo Leasing, Maize, Fuel and so on. In every case no stone was left unturned. In fact, no turn was left unstoned either.

Tanks And Military Hardware

Kenya as you know is a technologically advanced country. I fail to understand what all the hullabaloo is about these tanks. Where were journalists when we bought the Nina, The Pinta and the Santa Maria for our Navy? I’ve just been on a teleconference with some officers of the Kenya Airforce, Captains Njoroge, Ginger and Algy and they too wonder why there was no hullabaloo when the Airforce purchased twenty Sopwith Camels.

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The hijacked tanks we acquired, and that we are taking great pains to make a public spectacle of are indeed ours. Whether or not they were used by Stalin in World War II is neither here nor there. In any case tanks are like fine wine. They get better with age. Besides, only the lazy rely on things like electrically powered turrets, lasers and diesel engines. Just a heads up – we will be conducting military exercises to test only the T72 tanks in the Northern Kenyan border so nothing should be made of the sight of a train carrying said tanks heading to Suda—er—Northern Kenya.

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Also, we are expecting a shipment of muskets and Samurai swords for the Kenya Army.

Tourism

We are still getting inquiries about the 20 million spent on the President’s trip to Masai Mara. Let me clarify this very simply. Due to logistical complications, the President was unable to make it to Masai Mara.

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We therefore elected to fly the buffalo, lions, elephants, hippos and  other animals from Masai Mara to the president. To save on costs we insisted the birds make their own way and did not fly them. After all, we are a fiscally prudent government.

Disasters

We are declaring hunger a national disaster. This will make it go away. We are also declaring dandruff a national disaster. To make sure we’re covered we’re also declaring fire, water, soil, snow, rain and late night television national disasters.

We would also like to clarify – no Kenyan has died from hunger. Those who have, have died from death.

GTV

We are declaring the collapse of the GTV a national disaster, and are naming a 40 member team to investigate this matter.

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Composed of MPs and civil servants, the team will fly to London for a 3 month investigation into this matter. While there the team will also take in the sights and … er … promote Kenya as a tourist destination.

Moving House

So this past weekend, the missus moved house. Aside from lacking a swing inside, the new digs is fantastic, up to and including the huge window on one wall of the living room that overlooks a garden. While no one was looking I secretly did a cartwheel to measure the living room. The exact measurements using this metric are a trade secret I shall take to my grave. Suffice it to say they are the exact dimensions necessary for us to unfold our master plan of world domination by producing sleepers that will be introduced into key sectors of industry ready for activation by us at a moment’s notice.

This is the point at which evil laughter should be introduced.

I am of the opinion of hedging our bets my producing as many troops as possible, but my co-conspirator will have none of that, seeing that she is in fully charge of the production process. I am pushing keenly for at least 5 sleepers, to infiltrate the finance, manufacturing, ICT, government and hospitality.

armybaby

But I digress.

As with all things the move was replete with lessons

  1. The female of the species, like iron filings to magnet, collects shoes at a prolific rate
  2. While planning construction (or purchase of a new house) right after bathroom and kitchen, make allowances for a room for shoes (not yours, of course)
  3. Shoes are heavy. Especially when transported together. Especially when carried up 3 flights of steps. Especially if due to a communications breakdown it is the wrong 3 flights
  4. The possessions of the female of the species follow closely the handbag rule. What is the handbag rule? The volume of materials inside the female handbag is inversely proportional to the internal volume of the handbag itself. The same applies to the contents of the flat and the flat
  5. Cushions are bigger than their respective covers
  6. It does not matter how thoroughly you measure curtains before purchase. They will always mysteriously shrink en route

But at the end of it all everything was unpacked, the broken dishes tossed out on their ears and Phase I of the master plan is nearing completion.

Here’s to many more milestones my dearest. Many many more! :)

Light It Up

Roberta is sans insurance, and knowing full well that these are just the circumstances God chooses to exercise his excellent sense of humour, I decided not to chance driving. I would not put it past the man upstairs to have me involved in a menage a trois with a S Class and a VW Touareg that will force me to sell my car and sell my self and my immediate future family to pay for my sin.

But with Angels and whatnots to entertain, God makes excellent use of what appears at first sight to be limited material.

Which is why as I was proceeding to work, minding my own business, the matatu I was in caught fire. Not much of a build up I know, but one minute am fiddling with my phone and the next minute I look up to a classic Babel. The interior of the matatu is full of smoke and with amazing dexterity the tout has effected an exit through the open window.

Why he has departed we are not exactly sure. Until a tongue of flame appears amid the smoke.

Now in most buildings there is some sort of plaque the says things like

“Do not panic. In an orderly fashion proceed to the nearest exit
and assemble at the designated collection point”

What happens in reality my friends is nothing short of the opposite. There is no orderly quiet movement. You can practically hear the audio soundtrack to the situation.There is acrobatic and energetic motion of the human body from all the players. A large woman of motor boat like proportions will attempt to exit the vehicle head first at the same time a large man of Maruti like proportions is attempting to exit the same vehicle from the same window foot first. Where the sum of the parts is larger than the whole of the window, things grind to a halt. There are then shouted instructions to move mammaries and backsides out of the way.

I would have stayed for more entertainment but the thought of a vehicle on fire while my person and future lineage are still within is one that prompts action. A slid open window and a dive and roll through the window are but a moment’s work.

AOB

Airport Official: First name?
Passenger: Batman
Airport Official: What?
Passenger: Batman
Airport Official: (Holding Head) Your first name is Batman
Passenger: Yes
Airport Official: Spelling?
Passenger: Just like it sounds. Batman
Airport Official: Right. And your surname?
Passenger: Superman
Airport Official: Right, that does it! Security!

Batman

 

Mariah Carey

I cannot off the top of my head remember a song I despised as much as Touch My body. I cannot put in words just how much I can’t stand it. Please for the love of Humanity can someone please touch Mariah Carey’s body? Preferably with Anthrax?

Kisima Cha Giningi 2008

CAST

Bwana Msa (Investigator)
Gitobu Immanyara (Victim)
Police Artist
Commissioner Ali (Police Chief)
Eric Kiraithe (Police Spokesman)

Bwana Msa, in a simple shirt and a leso wrapped around his midriff, lies recumbent upon a deck chair. The deck chair itself lies recumbent on the front steps of the CID Head Quarters. His unlit pipe dangles idly from his lips. The skull cap on his head bears the legend Gold Band (product placement is increasinlgy slithering into all forms of entertainment).

Around him is an array of police officials. There is buzz from the stunning revelations that the jowl of Gitobu Immanyara has allegedly had far from gentle contact with the open palm of the alleged first lady.

SCENE ONE

Ali: Now, Bwana Msa, even 6 months after taking you on as a consultant I find your insistence on working outside on that deck chair dressed in a t-shirt and a sheet disconcerting.
Bwana Msa: (Puff … puff … puff)
Ali: And will you stop with the huffing and puffing. The damn pipe is not even lit!
Bwana Msa: Steady on! This is my preferred working environment. What seems to the problem?
Ali: THIS
Bwana Msa: Left Click
Ali: What?
Bwana Msa: Oh! Did I say that out loud? Sorry.
{Brief Pause}
Bwana Msa: LOL
Ali: What?
Bwana Msa: I mean ha ha ha! What a quagmire! What was the response from the first lady?
Ali: THIS
Bwana Msa: Right Click, Open In New Window
Ali: What?!
Bwana Msa: Oh! Did I say that loud again? My bad.
{Brief Pause}
Bwana Msa: LOL! I mean ha ha ha!!! Nothing like a nice read to get the old corpuscles going. So anyway, what do you want from me?
Ali: I want you to get to investigate and find out that Immanyara is talking banana oil. I mean investigate and find out the truth
Kiraithe: It could have been a Rambo movie
Ali: (Irritably) Will you SHUT UP with your damn Rambo movies! Why can’t you watch Wild Rose like the rest of us?
Bwana Msa: The truth? That will be tricky. For one thing I’m quite impressed — or is it skeptical — that vocabulary like ‘besmirch’, ‘stature’ and ‘three’ can originate from said quarters. I also find it difficult to envisage the government with a mien of astonishment. But very well. I shall investigate

SCENE TWO

Parliament Offices

Gitobu: Groan!
Bwana Msa: There there my good man! (Puff puff)
Gitobu: I say, is it wise to be smoking in my oxygen tent?
Bwana Msa: (Gesturing to the pipe) This? Oh don’t worry about this. It’s not lit. Just between us I use it to get chicks! LOL! I mean Ha ha!!
Gitobu: (Nursing cheek) It hurts to laugh.
Bwana Msa: My good man! Do tell what happened
Gitobu: Well, I and several other MPs were invited for a snack and then a meeting with His Excellency the President. Well, I go there on time like the rest of us and proceeded to the garden where we had our snack. I must confess i’m not used to Cerelac, miky porridge, sweet potatoes, corn flakes and a lollipop at that hour of the afternoon. But after seeing His Excellency tuck in with gusto I figured when in Othaya do as the Othayans do. After a nice tea from sippy cups (which made it difficult to dip our biscuits), we proceeded for the meeting.
Bwana Msa: Indeed. What did the President say first
Gitobu: (Hesitantly) I’m not exactly sure what he said because after three or so minutes I became dizzy trying to keep up
Bwana Msa: Why? What did he say?
Gitobu: Well, he opened proceedings with the National Anthem, then followed with his rendition of Soulja Boy. Finally he got to the speech. I took the liberty of recording the speech on my phone

Ladies and gentlemen, as well as gentlemen and ladies, including the lady there and that other one there and this gentleman here and that gentleman there and all other ladies and gentlemen in general, and each of you in particular, as ladies and gentlemen, allow me to welcome you to this cong — congre — congeg — congrega — meeting.

You will notice that you are here. Because previously you were there, where I am pointing now. And in the time between you were there and are now here, you must have moved here from there, which is why you are not there, but here. So here you are and also, from some quarters, there you are too. So here and there you are, and there and here you are.

I am grateful that those of you who are Church going Muslims  as well as those Mosque going Christians Welcome here from there, and from there, and from wherever else that you have been there.

Bwana Msa: (Admiringly) Blimey! If I didn’t already know English I’d think it was the theory of relativity. Can we proceed to State House to finish the inverview? Commissioner Ali if you would be so kind …

SCENE THREE

The three are at the State House

Bwana Msa: (Looking around) Hmm … I see some watery footprints here, made by bare feet. Clearly the perpetrator has a gland problem. I also see a partially chewed cigar, conveniently discarded, soaked in ptyalin and what not. Clearly some mouth containment issues. So, tell me, what happened next.
Gitobu: So I was sitting here and then strange noises came from the door. At first i thought a sheep, a goat, a cow, 3 chicken and a stick of dynamite had been put in a cage of hungry lions. Then the Comptroller rushed in witha  ghastly smile and asked me to leave hurriedly. That i did not mind. I am a brave man but those noises! So at the door I ran into this … apparition
Bwana Msa: Well, I have come with a police artist so if you would be so kind…
Artist: Please tell me as much as you can remember and i will try to draw
Bwana Msa: Let me look around in the meantime
Gitobu: (In the background) Taller … yes, i think a bit of claw … horns? I dunno … Actually, maybe … Just sprinkle a few and i can see if anything gels … No, i would not rule out wings … skin colour? Grey … Muscle? Quite a bit of that I assure you … when I got home my right molars had become my left molars and vice versa … A tail is something I can vaguely recall … Yes, add a pitchfork … A bit of smoke from the nose …. THERE WE GO!
Bwana Msa: (Hurrying over) Success?
Artist: (In bewilderment) Er… see for yourself

Suspect

Bwana Msa: (Recoiling backwards) Jesus Wept!
Gitobu: As you can imagine my fear for my life was considerable. Lying lower than Form 16A I departed quicker than Kivuitu can declare you president.
Bwana Msa: I have the sudden urge to retire.

No Fufu For Bill Gates?

Tears have been rolling down my cheeks for the last half an hour after reading that one William Henry Gates III, better known as Bill Gates, had a bit of a problem getting into Nigeria.

Apparently the Nigerians objected to his presence, on the grounds that he might stay there indefinitely and strain their infrastructure and resources.

I can just picture the altercation …

CAST

Oyo, a senior immigration official
Ono, a junior immigration official
Bill Gates, a billionare and software mogul

LOCATION

An immigration office

Bill: Good morning gentlemen, I trust you are well?
Ono: YEEAH!
Oyo: Yes, tenk you. Wetin day my broda from anoda moda? Wot can we-o be doing for you-o this afternoon-o my broda-o?
Bill: Is this the desk for visa applications?
Ono: YEEAH!
Oyo: Will you stop-o that nonesense-o?
Ono: WHAT?
Oyo: Will you STOP that nonesense-o?
Ono: WHAT?
Oyo (Shouting): STOP BEIN’ A FOOL-O OR I WILL SLAP YOUR LEFT CHEEK-O THROUGH YOUR RIGHT-O! Do you get me?
Ono: YEEEAH!
Oyo (To Bill Gates): Dis a my sissa’s boy-o. He lissen to a too much-o American rap music-o. Yesterday he a be a tellin’ me-o that Little John he a be havin dem dreadlocks! DREADLOCKS! Everybody-o know that every one-o of Robin Hood’s men-o dey not have de dreadlocks!
Ono: WHAT?
Bill Gates (Nervously): Er … of course.
Ono: WHAT?
Oyo: Will you shut dat mouth-o!
Ono: YEEAH!
Oyo: Please sir, wot-a bein your name-o?
Bill Gates: Bill Gates, sir.
Oyo: Oga! Oga! Oga! Are you de Bill dat is marryin’ ma sista Ciara?
Ono! WHAT?
Bill Gates: Er … no
Oyo: Are you de Bill dat is marryin’ ma sista Rihanna?
Ono: WHAT?
Bill: Er … no
Oyo: Are you de Bill dat is marryin’ ma sista Aaliyah?
Ono! WHAT?
Bill: Er … no
Oyo: Are you de Bill dat is marryin’ ma sista Brandy?
Ono! WHAT?
Bill: Er … no
Oyo: Are you de Bill dat is marryin’ ma sista Beyonce?
Ono! WHAT?
Bill: Er … no
Oyo: Are you de Bill dat is marryin’ ma sista Pussycat Doll?
Ono: WHAT?
Bill: Er … no
Ono: WHAT?
Bill: Er … no
Ono: WHAT?
Oyo: SHUT UP! Oga! Den which o my sistas are u marryin man-o? Whitney? Princess? Queen? Weetabix? Margaret Thatcher?
Bill: Er … actualy i’m already married. My wife’s name is Melinda French–
Ono: YEEEAH!:
Oyo: Oho!!! (Clapping bill heartily on the back) Why you do na say so you man-o? You are marryin Melinda French-o? HA HA! Excellent, excellent! Althou jus between us I would ‘ave been bettin’ it was my smaller sista Margaret Thatcher or my smallest sister Cherie Blair. But now you is family-o!
Bill: Er … perhaps you should End Task that particular process … I know my wife’s family and i don’t think you are in any way…
Oyo: HA HA!! HA HA HAA!!! Now you truly my broda-o you man-o!
Ono: YEEEAH!
Bill: Well, guys, if we could just move this along
Oyo (Openng Bill’s passport): Of course my broda … Oga … Who is William Henry Gates eye eye eye?
Bill: Er… That’s William Henry Gates The Third
Oyo: Oga! But you-a tell me your name-o is Bill Gates?
Bill: Yes, but …
Ono: WHAT?! It would seem that we are at an imbroglio at this juncture … there appears, at cursory glance, to be a discrepancy between who your documentation claims you are and who, in fact, you purport to be. Ceteris paribus, we have a dilemma
Oyo? WHAT?!
Bill: Really guys, that’s my real name but people know me better as Bill Gates. Just Google — I mean — Windows Live Search me!
Oyo: We a be doin dat a little later-o. Can you tell os your financial position-o? How much money do you ‘ave? And how will you be supportin’ yourself?
Bill: Well, at last count I had about 56 billion US dollars
Ono: YEEEAH! WHAT?
Oyo: Oga! HA HA HA!!! No doubt from Sani Abacha, eh? (Winking) Or from Charles Taylor?
Bill (Perplexed): Er … no, all mine actually.
Oyo: My broda-o you are a wastin’ our time-o. Come back when you’re serious-o!

PIC OF THE DAY

krayzie

 Kanye West – I Wonder

News In Brief

Nowadays news is very boring. Local news at any rate. There’s only so much NARC Kenya, ODM and ODM-K that one can take. The other parties like Ford Kenyan DP, etc are of nuisance value.

On the Internet however, it is an altogether different kettle of fish…

China wants to control reincarnation. We just can’t have people rising from the dead all willy nilly …

reincarnate

This couple had a truly memorable first time … with a new twist to “heat of the moment” …

firsttime

There’s some rather interesting software available that beggars belief. It is hoped it comes with diapers …

pupuplayer

To deal with the problem of drunk doofuses who drink and drive there is an interesting attempt to get them to play ball …

screen

Hell hath no fury … I knew she was not screwing around when I got to the diaper part

diaper

And finally, If you’ve ever sampled Noka Chocolate I have news for you!

PIC OF THE DAY

slide 
Well…

 

 Les Nubians – Makeda

Action Drama: The Githongo Tapes

It must be very different being a nabob in the Mwai Kibaki administration. I say this for a number of reasons. Just imagine:

  1. Cabinet meetings replete with pistol like shots of elderly knees, elbows and knuckles cracking like fireworks
  2. An atmosphere thick with the smell of Kiwi shoe polish, the ultimate victor over grey hair
  3. Working in an environment of such a proliferation of false teeth, glass eyes, false nails and even false alarms that it is necessary to have a comprehensive checklist
  4. Working with ministers who have the vague suspicion that the Internet is used to catch Interfish

Few things are as amusing as three fellows launching an initiative for the youth, when said three fellows have a collective experience of a quarter a millennium between them. Fellows whose ID numbers are as follows: 0000001, 0000002 and 0000003.

I’d especially hate to be a nabob in that particular administration now, an administration that goes from strength to strength when it comes to never missing opportunities to miss opportunities. Bill Clinton was undoubtedly a popular US president who left a legacy in many ways, good and bad. Even the most junior politician with the intelligence quotient of a bowl of soup learnt in the wake of Linda Tripp and Monica “DNA” Lewinsky affair that folks have a nasty habit of leaving tape recorders on during discussion of the most interesting topics.

And with the proliferation of high powered, sophisticated technology to disseminate content such as Winamp, and bandwidth friendly audio formats such as mp3s, such content can make its way to the desktops, laptops, ipods and blank CDs at your favourite CD pirating cybercafe.

It is such a scenario that confronts the hapless NARC regime. The rapt attention that Kenyans hold 24 and Prison Break is nothing to that they have for The Githongo Tapes. 

If you want to experience the felling that is going through fellows whose job titles includes the word “Minister”, just imagine yourself riding a violent horse bareback while wearing yellow y-fronts filled with coarse sand while your mother, the woman you’re trying to convince you’re Mr Right and 30 of your high school classmates who considered you the laughing stock of the century watch on howling in amusement. 

Just last week, Smilin’ Amos Wako, he of the 60 teeth, rather pompously declared that Kiraitu Murungi and David Mwiraria had been cleared of attempting to cover up the Anglo Leasing scandal. 

The news must have come as a welcome relief to Kiraitu Murungi. I can picture him now putting down the anthology of his truly atrocious poetry (poetry that when read out loud makes you want to hold the top of  your head to keep it from exploding) upon receiving the welcome news. I can also picture his shoulders shaking, his teeth coming out to play as he laughs even harder than he did shortly after he told a stunned nation that donor behavior was like raping a woman who was already willing.

David Mwiraria must have been no less relieved at the news. Climbing onto the pavement from the road with the aid of climbing gear, and minding that he does not get stepped on by passing reporters, it is easy to picture him, colour clashing cap on his head, giving thanks. 

Smilin’ Wako is still smiling his smile (and small children are being kept busy to count all his teeth) when “Sheriff” John Githongo drops the bomb, about the size of the one Walker Bush is trying to find in Eye-Raq.

Mwiraria: Mmm..

Githongo: My initial thinking…[Interrupted by Mwiraria]

Mwiraria: No! no! Bwana Githongo..

Githongo: Mmm..

Mwiraria: Hii kitu…(This thing)

Githongo: Mmm..

Mwiraria: If we are not careful..

Githongo: Mmm…

Mwiraria: Will come down with our Government…..

Githongo: Mmm..

Mwiraria: What I am suggesting..

Githongo: Mmm…

Mwiraria: Why don’t you…

Githongo: Mmm..

Mwiraria: and Anti-Corruption, and I am saying this in your presence Mweshimiwa (Honorable, referring to Kiraitu)…

Githongo: Mmm..

Mwiraria: drop this matter…

Githongo: Mmm..

Mwiraria: I will get..

Githongo: Mmm…

Mwiraria: to the root of the matter, I will find out who it is..

Githongo: Mmm…

Mwiraria: in my own way?

Githongo: Mmm…

Mwiraria: Ya… I have not appraised it?but I will find out exactly…ya…that information.

Githongo: Mmm…

Mwiraria: We start harassing Ojiambo…ya….

Githongo: Mmm…

Mwiraria: you never know…

Githongo: What he might say..

Mwiraria: What he might say..and who else…

Githongo: he will pick on…

Mwiraria: he will pick on…and who he will go down with Anglo Leasing…..

….Kiraitu: Mmm…He was released?

Githongo: He was released, yes.

Mwiraria: Was he held?!

Githongo: He was held….he was arrested…he was officially arrested yesterday…at around four o’clock until he was released at nine in the evening.

Kiraitu: Did he record a statement?

Githongo: Emm…I do not think so…

Mwiraria: Did he give you any information?….Why don’t we do this Mweshimiwa (Honourable, [to Kiraitu]…

Kiraitu: Mmm?

Mwiraria: …as I said…I wrote a memo ? which is interesting… You know when I came…and we talked here…. nilipigia Magari (I called Magari, the Treasury PS) …there is a day I came from Kampala and I found Magari had just gone to the PAC (Parliamentary Accounts Committee) and he had said he knew Anglo Leasing so when I went back, I told you why I talked to H.E (His Excellency), H.E wanted information before I went back…asked for information…I got the contract, I went through it, and the memo to H.E. ….And H.E. agreed that you should try and get back the money. So I found out from my officers who know where the other money had come from… I didn’t even ask them to give me the names. So I said, go and see them?tell them…. tunataka hio ingine (we want that other stuff)…the money is now in the Central Bank. It has been returned now.

Kenyans listened with rapt attention as a trusted Minister of the Kibaki administration attempted to convince the Anti-Corruption czar to drop his investigations.

The actual interview needs to be listened on tape to appreciate its full hilarity. Mwiraria sounds like a embarrassed small boy who is an unwilling audience of an embarrassed talk about the birdies and the bees from an even more unwilling father.

Kenyans looking for NARC to guide this country out of the morass of corruption have about the same chances of success as Israelites would have had if they wanted Pharaoh to lead them out of Egypt.

Hollow promises to ruthlessly prosecute corruption continue to echo 5 years after Kibaki bellowed his determination to pursue the corrupt to the end. We were promised there were no sacred cows but at present cabinet meetings are routinely punctuated with a series of mooing and lowing.

In the cabinet right now sit two cabinet ministers tainted by corruption, as well as our smug Vice President, under whose docket the passports scandal squarely fell.

A commission was created to pursue the corrupt, and Justice Aaron Ringera, who repeatedly claims that he will be indefatigable in the pursuit of the corrupt, has put his skills to indefatigably pursue the wind. For this we pay the man 2.4 million shillings. Question: can Ringera investigate his way out of a paper bag?

We await the next episode of the series with bated breath

PIC OF THE DAY

The Logo we know. The name …

Ciara – Promise

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Dumb And Dumber

Some people are naturally very intelligent. Other people work hard at it. Others are both. Think Albert Einstein. Stephen Hawking. Galileo Gallilei. Leonardo Da Vinci. The chap who came up with sliced bread.

But since nature believes in balance, there must exist individuals on the other side of the balance. People dumber than fencing posts. People as thick as molasses in January. People so dense they have their own center of gravity. People without the sense to hit the water if they fell out of a boat.

By some stroke of ill fortune, almost all of them seem to have found employment in the NARC government, but that’s OK. A transition from a highway robber or a shouting tout to a Cabinet minister is nothing if not inspiring to other mere mortals like us.

And then I read this article in the press and laugh until tears come to my eyes at the evidence that there is stiff competition to our noble leaders.

The headline stuns enough for you to reach out to the nearest object firmly moored to the earth for support.

DP to support Kibaki, even on ODM-K ticket

And then you start reading the evidence that when God was offering brains, brawn and beauty, some people asked for biscuits, beef jerky and broth.

President Mwai Kibaki will not be replaced as the Democratic Party of Kenya chairman even if he decamps to ODM Kenya, the party has announced.

The DP national executive council meeting yesterday also resolved that the party would support Mr Kibaki as a presidential candidate in next year’s General Election, regardless of his party.

Grabbing the top of my head to keep it from exploding, and sitting down on a hard, firm chair, I read some more

Addressing a press conference at the party’s headquarters in Nairobi yesterday, the officials led by deputy secretary-general George Nyamweya said they had no plans of subjecting the chairman to elections, since they trusted him.

Grimly ploughing along Nitwit Boulevard, the officials rush towards their doom

“We will support him for the presidential seat even if he runs on an ODM-Kenya ticket,” said Mr Nyamweya . The officials said DP would not dissolve.

And with a final hint as to why the quality of the gene pool is not as high as we would like it to be, the final Dam Buster assault crashes into the Tirpitz of our credulity

The DP constitution disqualifies the President from continuing to hold chairmanship after declaring support for another party.

I cannot recall the last time I laughed until tears came to my eyes. Read the sordid details here (Free registration required)

Passionately resisting attempts from the public to usurp their authority as Doyens Of The Dense are various employees who earn their bread and butter on the sweat of the working Kenyan.

GAFFE GALORE

Most homes have a plaque along the following lines hung in the dining room or the sitting room

An enterprising Kenyan could make good money selling a plaque reading as follows to the subordinates of His Excellency The President Mwai Kibaki

This will work wonders for individuals like the ever so infamous Security Minister John Michuki, Former Constitutional Affairs Minister Kiraitu Murungi, Former Finance Minister David Mwiraria and now Constitutional Minister Martha Karua, who had the nerve temerity gall audacity cojones to lie with a perfectly straight face that scandals like Anglo Leasing had nothing to do with the NARC Government.

Uh huh!

It will also work well for gaffe machines like Government Court Jester Clown Comic Spokesman Alfred Mutua and Ambassador Peter Oginga Ogego who are doing for Kenya’s foreign relations with the US what the Ku Klux Klan did for black-white relations.

WTF OF THE DAY

Apparently George Walker Bush and Jakaya Mrisho Kikwete met and over warm tea and Cerelac, discussed Kenya’s stability or lack thereof. I’m still trying to bend my mind around that one.

PIC OF THE DAY

En Vogue – Hold On