Any resemblance to persons, existing or otherwise, is purely a coincidence

10:00 AM Wake Up #1. Look down approvingly at Winnie The Pooh pyjamas

10:01 Fall Asleep

10:30 Wake up #2. Deny vigorously allegations of thumb sucking.

11:00 Presidential Bath (With presidential rubber ducky & presidential battle ships)

11:30 Presidential wash behind the ears

11:40 Breakfast at State House (Weetabix & Cerelac) (Except that one time Besbix was eaten by mistake)

12:00 Quick game of marbles on the lawn behind the kitchen with Stan, Nat & Joe

12:30 Pre-pre lunch nap

12:45 Wake up.

12:46 Who’s Who — Session to remind president who that guy in the army uniform that keeps standing behind him is, who the bald old guy who wears red shirts and blue shorts is, etc

12:50 Pre-lunch nap

1:00 PM Lunch at State House. Presidential bib is deployed before the meal is served. Combination of threats and persuasion to get him to eat his vegetables.

1:30 Mid-lunch nap

1:45 Finish off lunch with a nice warm bottle of milk

2:00 Post lunch nap

4:00 Cops and robbers with Stan, Nat, Eddie & Joe

6:00 Decide on important national business: Famine mercenaries insecurity corruption education jobs health care Mary Wambui & The President

7:00 Take Action on national issues: Fire & investigate corrupt officers, streamline government, promote freedom of expression, tell country vision and current programmes, issue prompt statements about Mary Wambui

7:01 Game of shake with Lucy, Stan, Nat, Eddie & Joe and their wives

7:20 Pre-pre-dinner nap

7:40 Wake up

7:45 Pre-dinner nap

8:00 Dinner

9:00 Watch heavily edited news that is 3 minutes long, including sports

9:03 Read heavily edited papers that are 4 pages apiece (including cover)

10:00 Consult with Stan, Nat, Eddie & Joe

10:30 Glass of milk

10:45 Put on Jungle Book pyjamas

10:50 Discover that the tops and bottoms have been mixed up

10:55 Put on Jungle Book pyjamas correctly

11:00 Bed

11:20 Ordered to go and put down Presidential Toilet Seat

11:30 Sleep

James Brown – Soul Man

Events Occur in Real Time

Jack: (On phone) Ngai fafa!!!

Tony: (At CTU) What’s the matter Jack?
Jack: This has got to be the most confusing interview I’ve ever been on. I’d rather work on stopping 40 nuclear bombs in Los Angeles than spend 10 minutes in Nairobi
Tony: (Concerned) What’s up? I can deploy a battalion of FBI, CIA and Boy Scouts if you just give the word
Jack: All those won’t help a damn. I gotta go.

President Palmer Kibaki (Walking in): Ah! You are here!
Jack: Yes sir!
Kibaki: From there?
Jack: Yes sir?
Kibaki: From where you were?
Jack (Swallowing): Er.. yes.
Kibaki: And so you are not there any more.
Jack (Easing finger under collar): Yes sir.
Kibaki: And so you are here, and will continue to remain here.
Jack: Yes sir.
Kibaki: Until you leave, after which you will no longer be here but now you will be there.
Jack (Bewilderment) Where?
Kibaki: There, where you will be when you are not here.
Jack: (Holding head to keep it from exploding) Er… yes sir

Michuki: (Slithering in) Rattle rattle!

Jack: Err… good evening
Kibaki: This is John, Security Minister and the head of a specialized strike squad, the Mount Kenya Viper Squad
Jack: Pleased to meet you
Michuki: Rattle rattle!

Kibaki: So … who are you again?

Jack: Jack Bauer
Kibaki: Right, Bow Wow, we are looking to recruit you into heading one of our strike teams, the QRU
Michuki: That’s right. One of my juniors is the head of the CID. I want you to run Kamau Nganga’s elite Kanga Squad
Jack: Kanga?
Michuki: Yes! KAmau NGAnga.
Jack: I see. Are those the guys who wore balaclavas and had rifles the other day?
Michuki: Yes
Jack: With footgear ranging from sneakers to moccasins to gum boots to glass slippers
Michuki: Yes .. we give them freedom of the shoe
Jack: The ones who would have gone for another raid on Friday but it started raining?
Michuki: The very ones
Jack: If it’s all the same to you, no thanks!!

Jack: Tony, it’s me. It too confusing here. I’m coming back. And what’s more I’m going for indefinite leave

Tony: Talk to me.
Jack: About that mercenaries thing — after 2 days of investigating I’m throwing in the towel and retiring. I need to find a nice country wench and settle down looking after my cattle.
Tony: What’s up?
Jack: The mercenaries have just released a statement.
Tony: What’s confusing about that?
Jack: THEY DID IT FROM THE GOVERNMENT VIP LOUNGE!

AOB

Apparently Kenyan bloggers, including yours truly, have made it to a Daily Nation feature. Recongition from the mainstream media? My one gripe — a very healthy imagination on the party of the author. I’m not 29. At no time did I divulge my age, or indeed anything personal about myself. Check your facts, ladies and gentlemen, check your facts!

Snow – Lonely Monday Morning

The setting is in Parliament buildings, Nairobi

Moody: Order, order! Are we all here?
Kituyi: (Rushing in) Sorry I’m late — oh my goodness! (Looking around) Were we to come in costume? No one told me!
Moody: Of course not! Where did you get such a ridiculous idea?
Kituyi: Then why are you dressed like one of the seven dwarves auditioning for a Western?
Moody: I’ll have you know that this is a very stylish dress
Kagwe: (Sotto Voice) For a smurf!
Ngilu: Gentlemen, please! Can we get on with the meeting?!
Moody: That’s right.
Koigi: Mr President sir, can you open the meeting?
Kibaki: Zzzzz!
Koigi: Mr President?
Nyachae: Clearly you’re new around here and don’t know how things work. His Excellency has been to the London School of Economics, and clearly this is how he was taught to chair meetings! Don’t you know anything?
Koigi: (Blushing) My apologies.
Moody: Now, are we all here?
Karua: We have a seating problem. Apparently this room was only planned for 20 ministers and we are over 80 — we need some more seats
Tuju: Well, we had bouncing castles and stuff set up in parliament grounds yesterday. We can use the tables and chairs that were used for our tea party — I mean, the children’s tea party
Kituyi: Yes, you seemed to enjoy playing house rather a lot
Tuju: (Defensively) I was just getting into the spirit with the children!
Kirwa: What children? There were no children!
Moody: Gentlemen! Let’s have the play chairs brought in then. Some of us are having problems as it is getting onto the chairs we have here!
Mwiraria: (Voice coming from under the table) I heard that!

Moody: Now, are we all seated? Good. Kamanda, can you stop eating Koigi’s dog biscuits!
Kamanda: (Mouth full) Am not!
Koigi: Waaa!!!!
Ngilu: There there!
Kituyi: Please, can we proceed!!!
Moody: We’ll open with a word of prayer
Kombo: (Modestly) If I may …

{Chorus of voices} Oh HELL no!

Kombo: (Surprised) What’s the problem? Dialogue is the answer. We must sit down at the table and dialogue.
Kituyi: No offence, but the last time you led the prayer every last statue in parliament came down from it’s perch and stretched itself out to sleep. Birds migrating south for the winter that were flying over parliament came to roost and have yet to wake up. You have this way of putting things to sleep when you talk…

Continue Reading »

Teacher: Good morning children.
Cabinet: Good morning teacher!
Teacher: Did you have a nice night?
Cabinet: Yes teacher!
Raila: (Indignantly) Teacher, teacher! Someone here has pooped his pants, and on a scale of 1 to 10 a strong 97. Can we get Hans Blix in the house?

{Children turn accusingly to Murungaru}

Murungaru: Waa!! That’s not true! Why do they always pick on me? Waa!
Kituyi: It’s still morning, for crying out loud! Does that boy eat by the kilo?
Teacher: All right, all right, let’s all calm down and get back to the lesson
Nyongo: (Indignantly) Get back to the lesson? It smells like a sweating dead skunk here!!
Teacher: Chris? Can you come with teacher to wipe your bottom?
Kimunya: (Sotto voice) Well teacher, there goes your morning!
Murungaru: (Loudly) Waa! Waa! Did you hear that teacher?
Teacher: Oh be quiet!

Continue Reading »

E-Commerce is a vibrant and profitable enterprise, and after much procrastination I have decided to join the bandwagon.

For the last six months I have been building and testing my Alternative Secure Shop, hereafter known as my ASS. This is an exciting venture modelled after Amazon and E-Bay to allow comfortable shopping from your PC, and have your order delivered to you.

Despite my best efforts to keep my initiative secure, people have been checking out my ASS behind my back.

Someone has even tried to copy my idea and has prominently displayed his Alternative Real time Shopping Experience (ARSE) but I like to believe early observers have been unimpressed. It’s plain to see that an ARSE is really just an ASS. Besides, everyone knows that an ASS by any other name smells just as sweet er … is still an ASS.

The pilot programmes have been largely successful, and several ASSes are currently out there in operation, as capable people do the testing for me. Unless you live under a rock you must have seen an ASS at least once within the past week.

Some people, notably Bill and Sheryl, have complained that their ASSes are too big. Sandy and Ken would prefer if their ASSes were a bit bigger. I told all four that there was nothing I could do about their ASSes. Factors that lead to the growth or decline of an ASS are totally beyond my control.

“Look,” I told them grimly, “No one gets to choose their own ASS. You just have to live with the ASS you’ve got.”

Continue Reading »

[Update]

Against my better judgement, I allowed myself to be persuaded to tour Nairobi by night. This is generally a decision I arrive with the feeling a lot like those of early Christians when they witnessed consignments of very large, very hungry lions being unloaded at a Roman port – things were always going to be interesting very soon afterwards.

The first port of call was our usual pizza joint. Placing a large order of pizzas was but a moment’s work. As we sat there a finger tapped my shoulder and I turned to face the beaming and eager face of Anna who is registered in the Book Of M as an acquaintance and will remain this as long as the sun rises in the East.

Anna: Hi!
M: Hey!
Anna: Fancy meeting you here!
M: Well … a chap’s got to eat. What’s up?
Anna: Nothing. Just chilling with a couple of friends. Come say hi?
M: I’d rather paint a boat with my tongue Well…

I hesitated and was lost. Exactly five seconds later I was being dragged across to meet the friends.

Continue Reading »

Living in a hotel is something I look upon with fondness. There’s a lot to be said about having your clothes washed and ironed for you, not having to do the dishes, and having your bed made for you. I’m currently investigating if there are any hotels that offer value added services like brushing your teeth and combing your hair for you. The fact that I do not have to spend any of my own money is something I feel sure is a popular concept.

The only thing better than travelling is travelling at someone else’s expense, and the only thing better than that is travelling at company expense. Nothing aids the flourish with which you sign bills with the knowledge that someone else will be coughing up the cash. This way you don’t wince when the smug lady behind the counter informs you crisply that you will be paying close to 100 dollars a night for the room alone. Meals to be charged separately.

When it comes to travelling at company expense my mantra is “deny yourself nothing“. When confronted with the challenging choice between a three course and a four course dinner I heartily recommend the four course. If in the middle of the night you feel the urge for fruit salad smothered in ice cream, pick up that phone. Just think of that chef in the kitchen looking mournfully at his uneaten creations. Have you no heart? If when passing a restaurant you feel the urge for a steak be strong and be firm. Walk in and have the steak. After all, a cow gave up it’s life!

The Grand Palm hotel looked promising from the entrance and did not disappoint

Driving In

The Entrance

The lady behind the counter who checked me in looked and sounded like Barry White, right down to the mane of hair. I knew as soon as she opened her mouth that she was not going to be my friend from the establishment. It is always good to have one of these, who can hook you up with extra pillows, extension cables, and most importantly Internet Access, because the Grand Palm charges the equivalent of .25 $ or 20 bob a minute.

I burst out laughing at this news and cemented the fact that we were not going to be even on talking terms.

“Really? Are your keyboards diamond studded? Or does your Internet traffic travel first class by British Airways?”

Continue Reading »

Grissom: Ngai fafa! From the very beginning I knew this case would be a tough one. I was under no illusions. I’ve seen many things in the course of my job, including that case where someone quite literally got the taste slapped out of his mouth. He actually lost his tongue. So this case caught my interest the minute I switched on the KTN morning news. I rushed over here with my team. In fact here comes Warrick, Sara and Nick to brief me. Excuse me.

(Lengthy whispered conference)

Grissom: I think now we have all the facts to piece together what happened here yesterday
Warrick: Man, this is one of the most involving cases I have ever worked on. I remember the time …

Grissom: Get On!
Warrick: Right. The facts are as follows (Consults notepad) At precisely 2300 Zulu
Sara: (Wearily) He means 11:32 PM
Warrick: A convoy of 3 Mercedeses, 2 Pajeros, 4 Motor Bikes, 2 Toyota Corollas, a tuk tuk, a BMX bicycle with trainers and 3 poor fools on foot pulled up outside the Nation Center
Sara: The suspect, dressed in a pink dress and blue jeans
Warrick: (Interrupting) You mean a pink sweater and blue jeans
Sara: (Wordlessly holding up photo)
Grissom: Point taken. Go on
Warrick: Preliminarily reports indicate that the culprit was accompanied by 14 body guards and two shy school boys, but the school boys turned out to the Provincial Police Boss and the Central Police Station Boss. The culprit was heard to complain why she was being shown a door and she could clearly see the stairs but was calmed down as it was explained to her that it was an elevator
Sara: The entourage then proceeded to the scene of the crime
Grissom: Witnesses?
Sara: Plenty. Here they come

Clifford Derrick: (Face bandaged) This has certainly been my toughest assignment, and I have covered Shifta fighting in North Eastern Province, in the line of fire
Grissom: That looks painful.
Clifford: (Bitterly) It jolly well is! People are already calling me Kiraitu on account of the changing of the shape of my mouth

Sara: So what happened?
Clifford: We got a SMS from Nation Center and rushed over …
Grissom: SMS? Not a call?
Clifford: Turns out that First Lady objected to telephone usage so someone sent a SMS from under a desk. So we turned up, went to the newsroom and got down to work. Next thing I know something loud and pink whirled up to me and the next thing I know I’m collecting two premolars and three molars from across the room. I used to box but I’ve never been hit so hard in my life. There are still little grooves in my cheek. She took my camera and tried to break it across her knee 14 times before she put it down and began addressing me incoherently.

(Collective wincing)

Grissom: I think you should get your face looked at. Who else was there?
Farida: (Stepping up) Me.

Warrick: Can you tell us what she did?
Farida: Very simple. She talked. And talked. And talked. For over 5 hours. We actually ran out of film. Yap yap yap yap yap!
Grissom: Anything striking in what she said
Farida: (Feelingly) Striking does not begin to cover it. When she was not making goblin like faces that terrified our younger interns, she was speaking vaguely coherently about anything and everything. In summary she:

• Called us idiots
• Accused us of painting her government in a bad light
• Accused us of making Kenya a laughing stock (Get a mirror, whydontya!!)
• Went on a 3 minute hunger strike
• Asked us questions and answered them herself
• Answered questions she thought we had asked
• Answered questions we did not ask
• Refused to answer questions we asked
• Helped herself to our phones, diaries, pens etc. She even took one intern’s Kasuku exercise book
• Ordered water and refused to drink it
• After declaring she was on a hunger strike, called State House to order breakfast. I think I heard something like tea and beans
• Swung on our new office chairs

Grissom: Well, that sounded like a trying 5 hours
Clifford: Tell me about it! I feel like I’ve celebrated two birthdays in there.
Sara: Do we have enough?
Grissom We have enough.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“I don’t buy newspapers. I read them after everyone else”
Lucy Kibaki, First Lady

Eagles – Hotel California