<INFO> Our ‘working nation’ failed to avail power on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday, at least where I was. Following post was written Saturday evening and is ENTIRELY tounge in cheek, and any reactions should be in said spirit. </INFO>

Note: Any image mix ups are accidental.

An Uruk Hai Chieftain, leading a band famed for ruthlessly efficient warlike tendencies


A Certain East African First Lady, famed for ruthlessly efficient warlike tendencies

One Makhtar Diop, outgoing World Bank Country Director, and his wife and family are unlikely to forget their farewell party, for it is there that an annoyed woman stormed said party and screeched at length about her peace being disturbed in full view of astounded prominent socialites and diplomats.

This happened three times before security personnel finally recovered their faculties enough to keep her out.

Who was this shady character? Why none other than our First Lady! She did not have a red nose, but she was still clearly and unmistakably recognizable.

The laughter with which I read this report caused me to strain some stomach muscles. A CSI representation of events, sourced from a anonymous sources follows.

11:21
Diop is having banter with the German ambassador. Cold drinks are in hand. Crucial and pressing affairs of state are under discussion: “Is Sauerkraut a sausage with a German accent?” Eric Wainaina is on stage. Mercy Myra is awaiting the stage. Waiters are darting around with bitings and drinks. Gate crashers are filling pockets and under pockets. The young at heart are playing shake, having decided that bano would ruin their suits and dresses. Guests are milling around in conversation, enjoying the music. There is a mellow mood in the air.

11:22
A screech that reminded the guests of the winged monsters, the Nazgul, in the Lord Of The Rings emanates from the gate. Anything that is not bolted or tied down is shaken from its moorings. A sound like that of the Tasmanian Devil (the one on TV) rips the air and soon a tornado is amongst them. Some of the guests duck under the table. Others duck behind the slower ones.

11:24
An amazed Diop finds himself confronted by a wild looking creature that he later establishes to be a human female, who gives every indication that she has recently stuck a wet finger into an electrical socket while wearing steel high heels and standing in a puddle of water in soil rich in iron. Hair is standing on end. Some strands of the hair has been standing on end so long they have walking sticks. She is dressed not in Christian Dior or Dolce and Gabanna but in yellow Bubblegummers pyjamas. On her feet are Bugs Bunny sandals with floppy ears. The sandals flash red lights with each step.

Diop reminisces “You cannot be imagining my surprise when she is appearing in front of me, speaking what I am thinking to be ancient Hobbit. I was not understanding a thing she was saying”

Diop’s wife agrees. “My daughter, roused by all the noise wanted to know why she had not been invited to the pyjama party”. She adds cryptically: “Now I see why the hot comb is no longer used.”

Diop continues. “She is wanting to know who my mother is. I was finding that puzzling. I hope she was not thinking she was the one.”

A guest who threatened violence if his name was divulged, continues. “I’ve never seen anyone talk so loudly, so incoherently, and so continuously. Right before I collapsed with laughter all we were hearing was ‘blah blah blah blah’! Still, I count myself luckier than most. Much as I have been in a situation where all my limbs where broken at once and I simultaneously developed a rash all over my body, some poor souls have spent 40 years in the presence of this monstrosity.”

Another guest concurs as he thoughtfully pulls his beard. “My sympathies are with Kibaki. Just imagine — you go to bed, there she is. Wake up — she’s there. Breakfast — tea, chicken and Lucy. Fly to the US — there she is. Go to bandit prone peripheral areas like Mandera and Ijara and there she is. Go to the bathroom — guess who! His shadow is probably followed around by her shadow, the poor schmuck! Probably it was his idea to get her out so he can spend 5 hours of peace and quiet without seeing or hearing her”

Another guest agrees. “Some things should not be seen after taking down half a bottle of Black Label” We felt like Hobbits under a full scale attack by the entire Uruk Army. It was only later that we establish that it was one Uruk — er — first lady. I’ll give her this — she can scare the heck out of anyone!”

Following these current events a flurry of mail has been filling my inbox

.. TO BE CONTINUED

QUOTE OF THE MILLENNIUM
“This is a confirmation of the recent speech by President Kibaki that people from other areas should not bring their rubbish to Nairobi and that the city should remain clean”
Sharriff Nassir, former MP

Michael Jackson – Jam

Image above has no relation to content below. Pure coincidence!

Act Two

Backs <The President>: Are we all here? From there? Where we came from?
Moody<Deputy President>: Yes your Excellency. Everyone is here. We can now sing that national anthem and recite the loyalty pledge. Ochillo came late and will have to be punished. Can you kneel down?
Kirwa <Agriculture>: Why do we have name tags? It’s ridiculous!
Odinga <Roads>: (Sotto voice) Because we’re so damn many
Michuki <Security>: (Suspiciously) What was that?
Odinga <Roads>: Nothing, nothing.
Nyongo <Planning>: I think someone spilled something in my chair
Christopher <Transport>: (Mopping his brow from the 5 foot walk from the doorway) You’re sitting in my seat
Nyongo: (Bitterly) Some of us should invest in plastic trousers
Roocy <Diary Controller>: Can we all be seated?
Balala <National Heritage> (Amazement): What ON EARTH is she doing here?
Roocy: I have been voting for the past 40 years and so I’m the most senior politician here
Balala: But you’ve also been taking dumps for the last 40 years. Does that make you the ….
Moody (Hastily): Okay, okay, okay All right then. Can we get started?
Backs: Which reminds me, where is … ah …. This fellow – you know him! Human being, hair on top of his head, opposable thumbs
Kalonzo <Environment>: Santa Claus?
Backs: No, the one who reminds me of him (Points to Ndwiga)
Ndwiga <Cooperatives>: Who? Me?
Odinga: Crooked?
Ndwiga: (Angrilly) I object to that! Are you insuni … insinu .. suni …. ah! Saying! Are you saying I’m crooked?
Backs: I remember now. Kombo
(Collective dawning)
Odinga: Aah! You mean Kombo? The Local Authorities Minister. He and Mwakwere went to Rome
Backs: How far did they go?
Odinga: To Rome
Backs: Yes, but how far did they go?
Michuki: To Rome sir.
Backs: (Growing frustration) I got that part. What I’m interested is where exactly they went
Tuju <Communications>: Vatican City.
Backs: Is it near Othaya?
Odinga: Not really – it’s in Italy
Backs: (In shock) They went all that way?
Tuju: (Puzzled) Yes. You told them to go there.
Backs: But they told me they wanted to go to roam! The grounds are here, they were here, and the fence is there…. What’s all this talk of Italy?
(Loud voice) GROAN! And he’s Commander in Chief of Armed Forces!
Michuki: (Suspiciously) Who was that?
Odinga: Someone here can throw his voice
Backs: That must be that loud ‘thud’ I just heard
Charity <Health>: No, that was our popularity falling.
Munyao <Livestock>: Aah. Here’s the tea girl with tea and mabuyu. I’m starving!
Daudi <Finance>: Nick begs!
Tuju: Not fair! Not fair! I cut for you some of my sandwich yesterday! I’m going to tell on you!
Moody: All right, all right. Can we move along! Killimo, I believe you had a presentation to us
Killimo <Immigration>: Thank you. (Gets to her feet and walks forward)
George <Education>: Manyake! All sizes! Manyake! Kama prizes…
Mugo, Tett (Simultaneously and furiously): Objection!
George: (Blushing) Oh my goodness! Did I sing that out loud?
Charity (Angrily): And this is not the first time neither! Just last week he was whistling ‘We Kamu’ as I walked past his office door. Is it in order for such sexist innuendo to be innuendoized?
Kimunya (Sympathetically): If his whistling is anything like his coordination it must have been quite the nasty experience!
George: There comes a time ….
Nyongo: Can we get on!
Backs: Your’re right there. What’s first on the agenda
Michuki: I have a bone to pick with agricultural extension officers! Cows are on heat all over the country and they are not rising to the occasion!
(Shouts of laughter)
Kombo: Isn’t attending to that Munyao’s job?
Munyao (Angrily): And just what is that supposed to mean?
Backs: Please, gentlemen! Can we proceed?
Ndwiga: Yes, on to national issues. We work tirelessly for an hour a day and our efforts ought to be recognized. I propose tax waivers for Cabinet Ministers in recognition.
Daudi (Scribbling in a notebook): Hear hear!
Charity: But that will make the public even more annoyed with us! Please sir, put an end to this nonsense! (Turns to Backs)
Backs: Zzzzzz!
Roocy: There are too many allegations of corruption against my Government …
(Outraged murmurs and shouting)
Odinga (Rising to his feet): Ayayayaya! Whose government? Nishike, maze, nishike! Hold me back!!
Roocy: I have been voting for 40 years and am thus the most senior politician here!
Kombo (Rolling his eyes): Give me a break! That line is quickly getting as stale as ‘working nation’ and ‘zero tolerance on corruption’
Kulundu <Labour>: And while we’re at it what was that crack about 2007?
Roocy: My children and I have not seen any difference in him! He’s the same as he was 10 years ago! Isn’t that so Boyi? (Turns to Backs)
Backs: Zzzz!
Odinga (Bitterly): The fact that you and your children do not see a difference is not proof of his abilities, it is only proof of one thing: that you and your children are in desperate need of an optician!
Christopher: When you have sheep and goats ….
Kalonzo (Irritably): Shut up already with all the Animal Farm talk! Can’t you say anything without involving farm animals?
Christopher (Passionately): Are you trying to get my goat?
(Shouts of laughter)
Christopher: I refuse to be cowed …
(More shouts of laughter)
Christopher: … by sheepish people …
(Still More shouts of laughter)
Christopher: … who are always dogging my tracks …
(Shouts of laughter)
Moody: At any rate at least we know who’d make a good head of the KSCPCA, in case you’re interested in the job
Kiraitu <Constitutional Affairs>: It’s like raping a woman who is already too willing…. Ho ho ho ho!
(Shocked silence. Then a flurry of action as Karua, Charity, Kilimo, Mugo and Tett launch themselves into the air in the process of delivery of flying
kicks. They freeze in mid air (a la The Matrix) before successfully delivering a series of devastating kicks)
Kimunya (Unsympathetically): Well, someone certainly brought that on themselves. Look on the bright side – at least your mouth is straight now
Kiraitu (Sprawled on the floor with high heel marks over
his person): Groan!
Backs: Zzzzz!
Nyachae: No guessing who will be spending his night on the sofa
Ndwiga: This tea has no sugar! How can I dip my bread into sugarless tea?
(All heads turn accusingly to Kirwa)
Kirwa: It wasn’t me, for goodness sake! It’s not like I make sugar in my backyard!
Michuki: (Shouting) Someone taste his tea!
(Ndwiga dips slice of bread in saucer of Kirwa’s tea and samples it)
Ndwiga (Indignantly): This tea has plenty of sugar!
(Collective gasps of shock and amazement)
Nyachae: Can you explain yourself sir!
Backs: Zzzz!

End of Act Two

Cabinet Tales I

Angie Stone – I Wish I Didn’t Miss You

Good morning, greetings, salutations and felicitations. Wassup, wasadili and what’s crackalacking? Izzow? Niaje bro ….. niaje siste ….. ninawacheki wadhii.

My names, for those who do not know me, and who will now know me after telling you my names, I am Fred M Nutua. I am the Secretarial Spokesman for the Communications Office.

As I promised and swore last week, this will be the first of many communications in which I will attempt, try and undertake to keep the Kenyan public aware and informed of what is going on in the Government, and what is cooking in the Kitchen Cabinet.

Heroes
I urge all our National heroes to simplify our work by dying quickly. It makes sense. My staff has been working overtime and at present we have over thirty speeches ready for funerals of our heroes. We have made arrangements with stone masons for tombstones and funeral homes for coffins and burial ceremonies. Everything is ready, so I urge them all to quickly die so that our Government can honour them. In fact just this morning I have personally inspected a consignment of sack cloth and ashes that we shall use to grieve. We even have glycerol for gnashing teeth.

Projects
The Government has undertaken and successfully completed several projects for the betterment of the people in the three years that it has been in power. These include and constitute of the following

• Free oxygen for the people (one of our proudest achievements)
• Free rain and sunshine (yet another fine achievement)
• Cattle dip in Siaya
• Roofing tiles for Chief’s office in Bura
• Padlock for Nandi DC’s house gate
• Torch for Mtongwe ferry watchman
• Groundnuts for city council workers on special occasions, like Presidential inaugurations

Terrorism
I say this in reference to the explosion at the Wilson airport. First of all let me categorically say that not all bombs explode, and not all explosions are bombs. In fact, what happened was a mere explosion and not a bomb. Our security apparatus and apparel are diligently on watch and on point to keep our people safe.

Corruption
There is no corruption in this Government. It is all untrue, concocted, dishonest and a lie. What we have is a perception of corruption, where the Government is seen to be corrupt. For instance, one of our objectives was to create wealth. So I find it amazing that when a cabinet minister attempts to create wealth in a brotherly gesture for a fellow minister, I find myself amazed at the crying wolf, sheep and fowl.

Freedom
This Government is all for freedom. However our citizens fail to appreciate that freedom also extends to the police, who really, in all fairness, should be free to practice their craft! If you spend six years studying architecture you are expected to – er – architect. Surely if you spend 2 years training how to disarm and subdue people you must be allowed to use what you learn!

Diplomats
We welcome all Sands, Stones, Clays and other such to our country. They are most welcome, and in our democratic space we allow them to say whatever they want. “Incorrigible liar”, as was expressed by someone was taken totally out of context. In fact, it was not said in a bad way!

Democracy
As we saw in a neighbouring country, a kick in the teeth, a chair to the head, a walking stick to the back and a blow to the cojones are perfectly democratic expressions that should be recognized and encouraged. My teacher told me that actions speak louder than words, and what is louder than a well placed kick? I think you will agree that we are one of the most democratic countries in the World.

Education
Those who are always complaining about 1 teacher teaching 589 students are simply splitting hairs. It is a loud testament to the ability of our teachers to handle such a workload. After all, one God attends to the billions of people!

With these numerous few examples it is pretty abundantly clear that this government is deeply commited to devlopment issues.

PIC OF THE DAY

President Mwai Kibaki suddenly realizes that what he is reading is not his parliament opening speech but a dog eared copy of his wife’s “Three Billy Goats Gruff”

AOB
O ye of little faith! I’ve been writing poetry for years and years!

3 Doors Down – Kryptonite

The Government Of Kenya is availing tax waivers, tax relief, free cash, free diamonds, helicopter rides and other benefits to investors who would like to invest in the country. Some of our local investors, including Cabinet, Wardrobe and Drawer ministers have forwarded porposals of various business ideas to the Ministry of Finance. The submissions from the Ministers should be fairly apparent These include

• Diamond ExportsThis one has already been done! Been there, done that, read the book, watched the movie
• Buttonhole factory in Lamu
• Powdered water plant in Wajir
• Pot Belly Enhancement Cream factory in Town Center, Nairobi (Immediate market is parliament)
• Polka Dot Paint factory in Machakos (No need to paint the dots later — do it at once)
• Striped Paint factory in Makueni (Imagine doing the painting in one pass)
• Comb 2000+: combs for the discerning bald man (Niche is customers like Moody Awori)
• Foot Scraper (To remove feet from mouths. Prospective customers are Foreign Affairs and Jusice Ministers). Optimal location: Parliament Road
• Shaggy’s hit It Wasn’t Me on vinyl, CD, iPod and DVD for sale to Cabinet Ministers
• English for Dummies, English For Absolute Dummies, English for Fatheads and English for MPs, a boxed set for sale to Members Of Parliement

If you know the Finance Minister personally, you may address him as Beste, NeckLess or Davo. Everyone else should use his full title (and enclsose a stamped, self addressed envelope for rejection)

AOB
Aida, YOU ROCK!! And then some! :)

AO-AOB
Kenya is exporting Electricity to Uganda. This is as about as ridiculous as Kenya giving Foreign Aid to USA

Henry Mancini – Baby Elephant Walk

Names have been changed to protect me

Journalist(J): Good morning
First Lady (FL): What’s so good about it?
J: Errr… I was just saying good morning
FL: And I was just asking why you think it is good? Is it better than yesterday’s? Are the birds shrubbing?
J: Do you mean chirruping?
FL: Yes. Shrubbing.
J: Never mind that! I just wanted a few comments from you on a number of issues
FL: Very well. You know I’m a pusher. I even said it on TV
J: I’m not so sure you should be saying that with the narcotics police around and all….
FL: Why not???
J: Never mind. Now, about ….
FL: Even before I continue, my houseband’s government …
J: (Bewilderment) Husband?
FL:(Irritation) Yes! Houseband.
J: Sorry
FL: My houseband’s government is not corrupt. The corrupt ones were the ones there before my husband. In fact, before my husband came, everyone was corrupt. But this government is cheese full of upright people of morality
J: I’m sure you meant chock full.
FL: Yes. The honourable ministers are there
J: Yes, no one is disputing that. There are some honourable ministers of integrity and the public knows them both. What we take exception to is the rampant theft and thuggery that we see taking place …
FL: Vroom, vroom, vroom
J: (Advanced bewliderment) Pardon?
FL: You know me. Like I said the other day, I’m a tractor
J: Of course. But back to the issues — what is your husband doing about it?
FL: My husband is working tirelessly from the comfort of his bed. I can tell you here that 39 files are being forwarded to the cursor for action
J: Cursor?
FL: Yes. KACA. Swift action will be taken. My houseband fully respects the rule of law, including the official secrets act
J: So how do you know all this about the prosecution?
FL: He told me himself last night
J: I see
FL: What do you have against my husband working from bed and having bit of rest anyway? I saw the pope on radio last week and he was working from bed?
J: You saw him on radio, eh? I think the next time the Presidential Mercedes leaves the Presidential Garage, you might want to open the Presidential Garage Door before starting the Presidential Engine. Exhaust fumes have not been known to enhance IQ, and even if they did, there are miracles then there are miracles
FL: I didn’t quite get that. But like i said, the Pope works from bed….
J: That’s because he’s been working for over 40 years, actually gets out of bed, meets people and speaks to them, has Parkinson’s disease and the flu, whereas your husband….
FL: Are you trying to make me hungry?
J: Angry?
FL: Yes. Hungry. Surely you know the difference between hungry and hungry?
J: (Despair) Yes
FL: And before I remember ….
J: Forget?
FL: (Irritation) That’s what I said. Let me take this chance to clear the air about my husband being hen pecked. All our chicken are still in Awthyre so the issue cannot arise! We don’t have any chicken at State House
J: Don’t you think it’s meddling to involve yourself in politics?
FL Just for that I won’t shake your hand the next time we meet
J: (Contrition) My apologies. Do you have any tips to share with our ladies? How do you treat your hair for instance? Conditioning shampoo? Blow dry?
FL I’m glad you asked that. A hot comb can achieve excellent results, in conjunction with vaseline
J: Any truth to the rumours that your hair and beauty regime begins and ends with a light touch of a live wire?
FL: Of course not! Why do you say that?
J: Small clouds seem to have formed above your head
FL: (Wildly) Har har!
J: Yes, quite
FL: As First Lady you’ll be seeing me involved a lot in the economy of the country
J: Getting your face on our money huh?

(Loud voice from the crowd) Now that ought to scare off local investors!

Craig David – Fast Cars

• Are you a stupid schmuck?
• Are you so dense that light bends around your head?
• Do you have a chronic allergy to exertion? Do you develop violent allergic reactions to a honest day’s work?
• Are you a consummate liar?
• Do you have the intelligence of a half witted hen?
• Can you at least write the initials of your name, and read them?
• Do you think that Robin Hood was out of his mind, stealing from the rich to feed the poor when he instead should have been stealing from everyone to feed himself?
• Can you say the phrase “It wasn’t me” believably even if there is video evidence to the contrary?
• Are you a team player? Will you let your colleagues eat from the public coffers in peace?
• Do you believe that all your problems are caused because “Money has been poured to finish you”
• Are you unable to have a coherent conversation with a 5 year old?
• Do you have trouble with words that have more than two syllables?
• Have you seen and fought in both world wars?
• Have you personally met Livingstone, Speke or any other explorer?
• Did your primary school atlas have only one continent, and was it Pangea?
• Do your friends and loved ones cringe when you open your mouth in preparation to speak?
• Do you have trouble distinguishing the words PUBLIC and MINE?
• Are you a colossal bore? Would people rather paint their houses with their tongues than enjoy your society?
• Can you sleep on demand?

If you have answered YES to any of these questions, then we are looking for you!

The Cabinet Of Kenya is one of the fastest growing entities in the world. Our motto is “Quantity” and our mission statement is “The More The Merrier”. And just last night we grew still more.

Benefits

• Job security: As sure as some of our members’ affinity for free stuff, your job is secure. Like the Mafia (the Italian One), the only way out of the Cabinet is via the Grim Reaper (*Note1)
  
• Free helicopter rides
• Handsome remu… renu … remune …. renume … Salary!
• Hookups from fellow cabinet ministers e.g. tax waivers, import contracts
• Free use of Government facilities. (We have an excellent army that can dig boreholes, herd your cattle, till your farm, etc. The Airforce can be deployed to take care of those pesky crows and hawks troubling your farm. Our Navy can take excellent care of your swimming pool. These bodies also do stuff when we are attacked)
• Ample assistance: 3 assistant ministers, 3 assistant assistant ministers, 2 deputy assistant ministers and 4 deputy deputy sub assistant ministers
• Comprehensive insurance for life and all body parts (*Note2)
  
• Interest free loans / grants (*Note3)
  
• Your own convoy, complete with bodyguards who don’t have the sense to get into their cars while they are stationary but instead wait for them to hit breakneck speeds

*Note1: Some wives can also effect your dismissal from your post so watch yourself!
*Note2: For those freak candidates who have a brain, they are not expected to use them, so there is no need to insure them
*Note3: Not available to all dockets.

FALL FROM GRACE
From being in charge of Tanks and Fighter Jets to matatus and boda bodas

JUST A MATTER OF TIME

President Mwai Kibaki realizes that after shuffling his government, he has forgotten to include himself in the final listing

Nirvanah – Smells Like Teen Spirit

Foreign Affairs Minister Ali Mwakwere’s foot and mouth infestation seems to have spread to Justice Minister Kiraitu Murungi. Some members of our cabinet must have mouths larger than normal, because it seems they have no problem accommodating one, and in some cases both of their feet. I could not believe my ears when that smug face appeared on TV with the following statement:

“…what the donors are doing is like raping a woman who is already willing…”

There was a stunned silence for all of 5 seconds before the schmuck was overwhelmed by his own wit and burst into laughter, nailing his coffin still further. According to Kiraitu, Kiraitu’s wit is second to none. Kiraitu is of the opinion that every second spent listening to Kiraitu’s humorous wit is a second well spent. Kiraitu firmly believes that the reason there is so much sadness in the world is that there aren’t enough Kiraitus. On a scale of 1 to 10, Kiraitu is of the opinion that Kiraitu merits a strong score of 50. He looked fondly at his audience and wondered if they knew exactly how privileged they were to be addressed by Kiraitu.

Whoever thinks hell hath no fury than a woman scorned, clearly has not seen the fury of women insulted by Kiraitu. The Coalition Forces in Iraq would have taken notes had they seen the outraged women storm Co-Operative house, where the King of Wit has his offices. Watchmen tried and failed to keep the women out of the building. They succeeded in keeping them out of the elevators but one of the women shouted for the stairs. The guards tried to block the staircase doors but they had as much luck trying to stop them as a chocolate teapot has of holding fresh tea. They were dismissively pushed to one side and the women swarmed up the stairs as one.

Kiraitu is a man with a very high regard of his skin, and the thought that he would lose his hide to the irate women prompted action. Speculation so far is that he

• Hid under his desk
• Hid in a drawer in his desk
• Climbed into the ceiling of his office
• Hung from his ceiling fan from the back of his trousers (if you watched Mission Impossible you’ll get the drift)
• Used a secret elevator to escape

From the general tone of some of the Human Rights Activists who burst into the office, it would not have been unwise for Kiraitu to wager they would respect his. The general consensus was human rights are named such because they pertain to humans, anything else was fair game. 50 odd pairs of high heels, stilettos, sandals, sneakers and boots can do amazing amounts of damage. Undeterred at not finding him there, they proceeded to eloquently vent their anger. Speeches were read. Venting was done. If there had been time to make effigies, these would have been burnt.

I’m taking wagers that for the next couple of weeks Mr Murungi will be very unpopular with Mrs Murungi. 70,000 to 1 that he will be spending the next couple of nights stretching his witty self on a sofa.

PIC OF THE DAY

An observer watches in stunned amazement as “Motor Mouth” Murungi successfully attempts to move his mouth to the side of his face

SHAME OF THE DAY

Kenya gets an extremely dubious distinction thanks to the efforts of one man

Dave Matthews Band – Crash!

The very sight of Foreign Affairs Minister Ali “Liberator” Mwakwere does little to inspire confidence, and when the man opens his mouth all further doubts are completely eliminated. I met the man once at Railways Golf Club. I was not impressed then and am not impressed now. His prowess on the Foreign Affairs landscape closely matches that of his prowess on the Green. CIA spooks analysing satellite footage of that day i’m convinced until today were unable to decide if he was man playing golf, a man slashing grass or a small helicopter having mechanical difficulties. The dude straddles the Foreign Affiars Landscape not like a colossus, but an inebriated duck.

But I digress.

After torturing the Saudis with his excruciating company he landed on our soils yesterday and even before brushing his teeth went straight for a press conference and immediately after accusing Edward Clay of using undiplomatic language, went ahead to call the man an incorrigible liar and accused him of being drunk. It’s times like these I thank God I never caved in to the calls to be a reporter because had I been there I would have detached my station’s mike while he was in full cry and would have summarily departed.

Clearly the man was acting on orders from a higher being to make a complete fool of himself. Last time he lowed that Clay did not substantiate his claims. This time he (Clay)did. Last time he (Mwakwere) bleated that Clay should have presented his evidence to the Government. This time he (Clay) did. The man totally refused to field questions on the issues and instead demonstrated that the only difference between a NARC minister and month old horse manure is the suit.

This is the same dude who puzzled millions over the world by declaring Kenyan hostages free, on the strength, it would seem, of an SMS from a 0722 number on River Road. I can just imagine the bewildered captors looking from hostages to TV to each other and wondering if they were operating in parallel universes.

The fact that this is the best man Kibaki could find to articulate our foreign policy speaks volumes of his (Kibaki’s) abilities, or, to be quite frank, lack thereof. Would there be much difference if we swapped the entire cabinet for some garden gnomes, a football and a bag of sweet potatoes?

Why oh why can’t we get leaders smart enough to hit the water if they fell out of a boat? Is it asking for too much?

Word Of The Day
Bullet (Noun) Bool – ette. A small bull

Dilemma
Caught between the Kibaki we Know, as evidenced daily, and Uhuru we may get, as analyzed by the Kenyan Pundit. Sigh

AOB
Chin up Sanaa :)

Saida Karoli – Ekitobero