tHiNkEr’S rOoM

Jood Good Morning. My name is Alfred ‘The Sailor Man’ Mutua.

I just wanted to take this opportunity to clarify some facts to Kenyans, for as you know the only facts in this country are those that come from my lips. Ha ha!

First of all I object to those who threw eggs at my Volkswagen Jolf. That car cost me a lot of money and I must insist again that all those human rights activists take their activation elsewhere.

I would like to take this opportunity again to remind Kenyans that our officers do not shoot people dead. What happens is that people position themselves just as bullets fired from our officer’s weapons arrive at the particular point at which they have positioned themselves.

I also want to single out the small boy who laughed at the music from my car. Elton Gohn is a timeless artiste.

I would like to assure Kenyans an Ujandans that the following are indeed part of Kenya

• Jarissa
• Kapenjuria
• Mount Kilimangaro
• Jatundu
• Kakameja
• Kagiado
• Wagir
• Lanjata
• JilJil
• Bunjoma
• Lokichojjio
• Muranja
• Namanja

Jood Good  day Kenyans.

It is said that the first step is denial. Well, I am pleased to report that I am no longer in denial.

This country, ladies and gentlemen, is for all intents and purposes a banana republic, only without the bananas.

Reading from light to left:

• An indecisive president rejoicing at the miles of fencing he has at State House at his disposal to sit on.
• An ineffective Prime Minister, allegedly charged with coordination of Government Ministry. Judging from the Babel from the said ministries, we are  pleasantly surprised he can coordinate trouser and coat
• A government spokesman whose own mother is unlikely to take seriously, let alone 29,998,000 Kenyans
• A cabinet which judging from the intelligence demonstrated by their banter and pronouncements, are unlikely to have the capacity to tie their shoes before descending on their Morning Cerelac
• An Attorney General who fondly believes he is perpetually auditioning for a Colgate advertisement
• An anti-corruption commission that zealously goes after chicken thieves and pickpockets
• A trigger happy police force that lurches from crisis to crisis
• A civil service run by tottering old men that refuse to give way that continues to amaze with its ineffectiveness
• A juvenile parliament, complete with soiled diapers that is more interested in grandstanding than legislating.
• A self deluded judiciary that fondly believes it is effectively discharging its mandate
• An ever naive public that refuses to see that it is viewed as nothing more than a source of funds, votes and foot-soldiers.
• A now defunct electoral commission unable to accurately count a single coin toss. It takes some effort and quite the imbecility to announce with a straight face a candidate had 40,000 votes in a constituency that has 30,000 people, let alone voters.

Most people in positions of governance give impressions of an urgent need of a swift kick in the seat of the trousers.

The nail in the coffin was this public announcement laying blame for corruption at the foot of couples working in Government offices.

Digest that for a minute. The Government position is that people who answered in the affirmative to the question “Wilt thou?” are the source of stolen public money.

After laughing myself to tears, I deployed my crack investigation team, whose findings stunned even me.

Pictured below is the Government Of Kenya Policy Maker & Decision Making Device

This device, acquired in 2002 has been behind all Government decisions and policies to date.

To many of us who have long been of the opinion that some of the decisions taken by the Government cannot possibly have come from a Homo Sapiens with opposable thumbs and binocular vision, much makes sense.

Going back to the couples, I have in my possession I card from Reverend Moon that I feel the authorities should investigate further

Willing hands have pitched in to address the Prime Minister’s complaint as to having nowhere to spray his napalm or drop his depth charges

Yesterday, one Hussein Obama was sworn in as the 44th president of the United States of America.

Kenya, as it is generally wont to, sent a contingent  of idlers and freeloaders, captained by Foreign Affairs Minister Moses “I’ve just been to Optica” Wetangula, who must be full from his numerous helpings of humble pie as he is the unfortunate who said “Who is Obama to tell us anything? He is just a junior senator from Illinois.” Wetangula famously pronounced the ‘s’.

Speaking of humble pie, I am eating my share of the same. I could never have wagered that Obama would win the election, much less the democratic nomination. Considering that Obama could not have won on the strength of the black vote alone, it speaks volumes of the American people walking the walk rather than just talking the talk.

I categorically eat my words and my hat.

Well in Mr. Obama! Well in America!

Although in my defence my jaundiced view is not helped by the poor calibre of leadership shown by our leaders and the tribal myopia of an embarrassingly large contingent of my fellow countrymen.

I have no doubt Obama would have lost the election if he run in Kenya.

If he was lucky enough to find his name on the electoral roll, and was even luckier to find his face and name on the ballot, he would have been sunk by voter turnouts of 340% voting for the incumbent. The final nail in his coffin would be the swearing in taking place while the ECK chairman is having his announcement typed by a ‘secretary’ in a beret , green uniform and a G3 slung across his shoulders.

But I digress.

Contrast

The biggest contrast I have ever seen in a long time was the way Americans looked fondly with admiration and pride and even love at their new leadership yesterday, compared to the *****, *****, ******, ****** and ***** with which Kenyans regard their leadership from the swearing in todate. What a vast difference! Rest assured you useless logarithms, that is not the way we look at you!

Why oh why can’t we get such a man instead of the hyenas and garden gnomes we have now!

I was in a passionate argument with a gentleman yesterday to the effect that America has had 200 years to get themselves in order whereas we are a young country.

I find this to be a bullshit excuse not worth the 1ply it deserves to be written on. Show me the commandment that dictates we must learn from the school of hard knocks! Is it not wiser to learn from the successes and mistakes of others.

AOB

Pal: Dude, clearly you’re being looked after well, you lucky bastard
M: I cannot tell a lie my son, that I am, that I am. What makes you say that?
Pal: Before you got married my guy you carried biscuits and snacks in all the oddest places. In your pockets, in your laptop bag, in your car dashboard 
M: I categorically deny!
Pal: Now you actually have a sealed container, something that cannot possibly be your doing!

Indeed, I am a lucky man. My dearest, YOU ROCK!

Government: no frontier untouched!

*This image may or may not be an accurate representation.

Folks Gone Crazy

Much has been said about the pair who where happily married and further down the road discovered that not only were they related, they were actually twins. Personally I am inclined to believe one of the following

1. The are two of the dumbest human beings to walk this planet
2. The whole thing is one of the stories like bigfoot

I mean come on. Are you trying to tell me that the two never had a conversation like this?

(Let’s call then Emilio and Lucy)

Emilio: Balm of my soul, I seem to have come into posession of a position of considerable authority and I would like to treat you to a gift. When, o when did your pater and your mater say in unison “unto us a child is born?”

Lucy: O wind beneath my wings, how kind of you! I was born on the date of 15 October 1900

Emilio: Hear my heart leap like a caged beast! So was I! 15th of October 1900!

Lucy: Clearly we are as destined to be together as guano and sailor’s hats! Where exactly were you born?

Emilio: St Mary Of Nazareth Church, in Othaya

Lucy: The pot in my potato! Me too! And what time?

Emilio: 11:34 exactly

Lucy: Ha-kakaka! My popeye! So was I! Do you still have any doubts that we are meant to be?

Emilio: The doubt in my soul lasted shorter than Brazilians in British tube stations! What is your father’s name?

Lucy: Fidelis.

Emilio: What an extraordinary string of coincidences! So is mine! My mother is called Redem…

Lucy: Redemptor

Emilio: My most desperate of all housewives! Exactly!

Lucy: A love like ours is as rare to find as Form 16A

Together: What a coincidence!

News On The Ground

• A church with 200 sheltering people in Eldoret torched with the people still in it. Not many were able to flee
• The monument Nicholas Biwott built for his mother has been torched. So has his mother’s house
• The Central Business district apparently is a no go zone
• Government Spokesman and Information Permanent Secretary falling over themselves to describe precisely what a ban of live transmissions means.
• A armed mob of thousands was marching towards Burnt Forest a few hours ago
• It is impossible to find Safaricom airtime.

Commentary

I have received hundreds of text messages, emails and comments, and have participated in several conversations about these elections. A good chunk of them are extremely bitter about the events of the past 48 hours. There are a few that are pleased with the results.

I would just like to make one thing very clear. If you are happy purely because Kibaki won, or your are angry purely because Raila lost, my friends your myopia will cost you a lot more than you think.

Why? This is going to be a long and controversial post so grab some coffee and settle down. I’ve posted some more pictures that I took yesterday of the aftermath of the unrest in my hood.

Disclaimer: These are just my thoughts, and not to be taken as gospel truth

Genesis Of A Problem

The problem (the nature of which I will get to last) began almost 5 years ago, in the hastily cobbled together amalgamation of political parties of NAK and LDP that was called the National Rainbow coalition. Analysis of the voting patterns showed a country that was solidly united behind what they believed to be the path to a change of destiny. Raila Odinga went to Central Kenya and was wildly cheered, more than most of the Central Province leaders. Kibaki went to Nyanza and was wildly cheered. People by and large ignored tribe and voted for change.

  
Estate gate broken by the mob

Cracks immerged shortly after the new cabinet was named. The LDP felt that they had been shortchanged, in contravention of a pre-election memorandum of understanding, the infamous MOU.

Now much hubbub was made over  the MOU. People loudly wondered what the contents were. People contended that such documents made behind closed doors and out of the public eye were not binding. Such sentiments, in my opinion, are the height of naiveté. The fact of the matter is that in politics lobbying and dealing are a part of the game. These things are done well in advance in privacy away from you and me. They are done EVERYWHERE and not just Kenya. It is naive to presume that you have a say in the distribution of cabinet positions. You have none. Get used to it.

But I digress.

 
Security tried to lock the gate but it was just broken

The LDP felt strongly that it had been shortchanged on two fronts: consultation in the naming of the cabinet and in the number of seats allocated to them. They actually held a press conference to protest the developments. The public was largely hostile to these attempts to besmirch their rosy eyed view of Canaan.

The LDP may have kept quiet subsequently but they did not forget what they perceived to be a betrayal.

The second problem was entirely of the incoming President’s making. Upon being sworn in he sacked large numbers of civil servants who happened to be principally from the Rift Valley. Many were dispossessed of benefits like cheap housing. Many were threatened with court, and a good number were charged in court. Ministers like Kiraitu Murungi very arrogantly demanded the President Moi go to herd goats and watch how government was run.

This very fact I believe is what cost Kibaki support in the Rift Valley. The people were not about to forget what they felt were injustices done to their sons and daughters. Things were not helped by the last minute marriage of convenience between Moi and Kibaki. The people of the Rift were even more resentful of what they perceived to be a turncoat. People vividly recall the indignities Moi was subjected to on his exit, and the only way that he and Kibaki could be reading from the same script was if Moi had been promised something that he was not about to share with them.

The third problem begins with the fact that it was perceived that a disproportionate percentage of the Cabinet was from Central and Eastern Kenya, principally the Kikuyu and the Meru. A similar situation seemed to present itself in senior civil servant positions, where it was felt a disproportionately large number of the numbers were from a single region. If you recall there were email forwards enumerating senior positions staffed by members from a single part of Kenya. The Government hastily prepared another one listing positions staffed by people from other communities but it is always about perception. The fact of the matter that percentages based on regions favour one section of Kenya.

This led to the birth of the notorious term, “Mount Kenya Mafia”, who were perceived to be in control of the affairs of the country. Kibaki then, and still projects a hands off approach that verges on lethargy. This very perception of apathy actively cultivated the notion that there were a few friends and associates of Kibaki that were actually running the country, and not him.

Burnt watchman’s booth

This is the source of the infamous sentiment “It is not Kibaki. Kibaki is a good man. Its those around him that are the problem”.

A sentiment,I’m afraid, that does not wash because you can delegate duties but not responsibilities.

Bitter complaints rose from cabinet ministers protesting being denied access to the president.

The fourth problem was the sheer arrogance with which some Cabinet ministers conducted themselves. Top of the list were ministers like Christopher Murungaru, Kiraitu Murungi, John Michuki whose pronouncements on and off the camera raised the ire of the public, especially during the ill fated referendum campaigns.

This house was broken into and completely looted

The fifth problem revolved around the corruption scandals that plagued the Kibaki administration, and what, it was perceived, was its subsequent cover up. Ministers who were forced out of office by the allegations somehow ended up back in their posts.

Chickens Come Home To Roost

These taken together sowed the seeds of perception last seen in the Kenyatta area … that of one community taking very good care of itself and its interests.

Like I’ve said before, perceptions are everything. And perceptions at the top, whether valid or not, eventually trickle down to the bottom. And unfortunately what trickled down to the bottom was the perception that some communities were more equal than others, and were benefiting at the expense of others.

This house had both its cars burnt

And perceptions trigger action. If you are from Central Kenya, especially if you are Kikuyu, you must have over the past couple of years experienced increasing discomfort at the sentiments coming from other people. What used to be tongue in cheek jokes about the “Mount Kenya Mafia” degenerated into snide comments about “You Kikuyus” and today, as we are unfortunately seeing, violence.

Being in such a situation leads to discomfort and ultimately to fear.

The nabobs, drunk with power and opulence were blissfully unaware of the ugly perceptions they had created and propagated. One thing this government has consistently been is totally out of touch with the situation at the grassroots. Every time they have failed to read the mood of the people, as referendum and parliamentary results have demonstrated.

This house’s tenants threw out mobiles and money to plead with the mob not to enter

I believe that the situation of what they had created sunk home in the last 2 months of the year. Even with the formidable state resources the crowds that they were able to draw were dwarfed by those of the ODM, that seems to be the party for the “rest of the people”.

The numerous polls conducted by various bodies, whose results were at first rubbished, consistently begun to paint the grim picture that finally got the attention of the players in power — they were nowhere near being as popular as they fondly believed they were.

The numbers from several polls by several companies consistently showed that the ODM would trounce them nationally as well as in all areas but Central and perhaps Eastern (that could have gone to Kalonzo).

It is then that the grim reality sank in that they were unlikely to win these elections, and real fear began to emerge. Suddenly two and two clicked together. Suddenly the rationale behind the snide comments, unflattering forwards and hostile receptions became clear. They had created a situation where they had completely polarized the country against them, and their communities were guilty by association.

Having created an ugly perception that they were the ones in power, how would the others react if they got that power? How would the monster they had created react?

Or could they have been afraid of the embarassment, the shame of being so unanimously rejected by the electorate? Were they scared silly of the thought of an incumbent president being ejected after a single term?

I believe that one, or both of the above were the basis of a decision that was taken towards the close of the year whose effects we are feeling today. What a few at the pinnacles of power have succeeded at creating is a situation where the poor man on the ground is guilty by association.

What Really Happened #2: Exodus will be posted as soon as I write it. PNU & ODM guys you can get my thoughts about exactly what happened these elections and why it happened.

AOB: If you can’t access my contact form email me your news/feelings/thoughts on roomthinker - at - yahoo - dot - com