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How Long?

It was the sniffling that made me turn.

There she was. Seated cross legged on the grass. Tears rolling down her cheeks.

I’d seen her around, and we had talked on occasion when her busy schedule allowed it.

There’s something about a child in distress that will make you stop what you are doing and try to help.

So I turned round and walked over to her.

And lowered myself to the grass beside her. Cross legged just like her.

“My … daddy … died.” She sobbed.

My heart broke for her.

Children should not have to experience some things. But such is life.

My daddy died too,” I told her finally.

After some silence I looked down and realized she was looking up at me.

“Are you … sad too?” She asked.

“Yes,” I told her.

“How long does it last?” She asked finally.

After an even longer silence I answered her.

“I don’t know.” I said truthfully.

And so we sat there. On the grass. On a Sunday evening. Quietly. The shared understanding uniting and comforting us.

The Kadhi Courts: How Opportunists Polarize A Nation

If you have not received a certain email from someone purporting to be a devout Christian analyzing the Kadhi courts you will soon. I myself received it this morning and have spent the day trying not to work myself into a rage. This email is quite simply a daring attempt to polarize our country’s Christian and Muslim populations.

Why was I trying not to work myself into a rage? You see, I got similar emails in 2007 only instead of Christian and Muslims it was Luo/Kikuyu Meru/Kalenjin etc. Kenyans have foolishly and amazingly forgotten just what happened when a people are polarized.

What maddens me is that this email while on the surface looking like written by a well meaning Christian was undoubtedly written by someone extremely intelligent. Why I think this I shall disclose as we go along.

Since the email purports to be based on facts, all of which can be demonstrated to be false, I shall attempt to debunk the absurdities that I have seen.

The email itself opens as follows:




Immediately below this is a small hypothetical narrative. From my little knowledge of psychology and human nature, that narrative is there to put the reader in a certain state of emotion. For my purposes I shall conceal the narrative for now and reveal it a bit later.

Then comes the bunkum


LIE NO 1. – The Kadhi courts have been retained in the proposed constitution as they are in the current constitution. This is a blatant lie. Nothing could be further from the truth. The truth is that the jurisdiction of the Kadhi court in the current constitution is restricted to the 10 mile coastal strip stretching from the Indian Ocean. This was the territory that formerly (before independence) belonged to the Sultan of Zanzibar. This area did not belong to the British and was therefore referred to as the British Protectorate. This area is currently referred to as the former British Protectorate. Furthermore in the Bomas Draft and in all other drafts except the Proposed Constitution, the jurisdiction of the Kadhi court is restricted to this 10 mile coastal strip. In the Proposed Constitution the jurisdiction of the Kadhi Court will be nation wide. I hold that there is a big difference between a ten mile coastal strip and nation wide.

Here we have a very clever attempt to influence the mind of the reader. The premise is if you surround something with facts, the something you have surrounded with the facts gains credibility. 10 mile coastal strip? Not in the constitution? Complete nonsense. From the judiciary website:

Kadhi’s Courts are established under section 66 of the Constitution. Their operations are regulated under the Kadhi’s Courts Act (Chapter 11 of the Laws of Kenya). Kadhi’s Courts deal with matters relating to personal status, marriage, divorce, inheritance in proceedings in which both parties profess the Muslim faith. Kadhi’s Courts are subordinate to the High Court.

There are fifteen (15) Kadhi’s Court stations in the country, namely, Mombasa, Garissa, Lamu, Marsabit, Bungoma, Kisumu, Isiolo, Eldoret, Wajir, Nairobi, Nyeri, Nakuru, Kwale, Hola and Malindi.

Just so we’re clear. Kadhi courts are in the constitution and are not limited to a 10 mile coastal strip. Further more their jurisdiction is clearly limited.?

LIE NO 2. – The Kadhi court will not affect you if you are not a Muslim. This is a barefaced lie. You must not believe it. The courts will affect everything in your life. You may even find yourself without a place of worship as in the story above. Your taxes will pay the Kadhi and his staff. If each Kadhi gets a million and you add construction and other expenses, they could be taking off a clean 20 Billion from our national budget. They will use GK vehicle, they may take your land for construction of the courts.

Notice how the author has started by arguing it is a barefaced lie and burning the reader not to believe it. Author then goes on ahead to provoke by saying the courts will affect everything in your life and you might find yourself without a place or worship as the story above. The author then seamlessly states that our taxes will pay the Kadhi and his staff. This might actually be true, given that for all intents and purposes Kadhis are actually civil servants. But then again taxes will always be used to pay civil servants. The author then switches to provocation about paying the Kadhi a million and then with fascinating arithmetic claims Kadhi courts will cost 20 billion. Author then asserts your land may be taken to construct the courts.

Notice if you may not a single fact has been raised to back these absurd allegations. Why is it a barefaced lie? How will it affect everything in your life? Even for Muslims the courts do not affect everything in their lives. I remind you: in the law their jurisdiction is limited to personal status, marriage, divorce, inheritance

LIE NO 3. – The Muslim "brothers are friendly people who mean no harm". This is the biggest lie of all; Muslims are sworn enemies of Christians. Their faith encourages them to lie to kafiris. (Non- Muslims) and to kill kafiris who get in the way of their religion. In Islamic nations, like Pakistan, a Christian can be arrested and jailed for preaching. Here in Kenya, we seem to be rolling the red carpet for the Muslims. Take a look at the Islamic nations around us; see the kind of violence we are inviting.

I’m still not sure if this warrants the dignity of a response. Sworn enemies? Kill Kaffirs? Laughable. I urge all Christians with an iota of sense not to believe half truths peddled via email. Buy, or better yet, download and read a Koran for yourself. Having done it myself, I highly recommend it.

As for violence in Islamic nations — there is plenty of violence in Christian nations, starting with this one!

LIE NO 4. – That having Constitutional Kadhi courts in Kenya is purely for sorting out family matters between practicing Muslims. This is also a lie; the plan of constitutionalizing the Kadhi courts is a part of the Abuja Declaration for the Islamatization of Africa. It is not an isolated incident. It happened first in NIGERIA. Today in Nigeria, pastors have to buy guns and hire people to guard churches, but our "Muslim brothers" are still managing to burn some of them.

Just to refresh: the jurisdiction of the courts in the law is personal status, marriage, divorce, inheritance. Nothing to debunk there. As for the Abuja Declaration quoted, this is it. I don’t see anything about Islamization of Africa. And if, for hypothetically, there were, what’s wrong with that? All religions wish to spread their faith. As long as its not by force, what would be the problem?

LIE NO 5. – That all religions will be equal before the eyes of the law. This is the mother of all lies. The CEO deleted the clause" THE GOVERNMENT SHALL TREAT ALL RELIGIONS EQUALLY" This clause was present in the bomas draft , and in all subsequent drafts, but it was deleted by the Muslim headed COE to make way for the elevation of Islam from the proposed constitution. Christians be warned, the only religion in the proposed constitution is Islam. Christianity doesn’t even get a mention. Do not be deceived, they are trying to sneak in Sharia Law through the back door. Ask yourself, why would they delete this clause unless the opposite is true?

This is complete nonsense. The clause is in fact in the COE draft. See Chapter Two 10 (iii). The bit about Sharia law through the back door is absurd and is a leap defying logic.

LIE NO 6. – That the amendments can be done after the referendum. This is probably the most shameless lie of all. The truth is that one requires a million signatures to petition a clause, a 2thirds majority in both the upper and lower houses and a referendum to change a single clause in the Protected Articles. Kadhi courts fall under the article on the judiciary which is protected and Abortion fall under the Bill of Rights which is also protected. They are making a fool of us. If we swallow this, they will soon be laughing all the way to the Consolidated Fund and the Treasury.

Changing the constitution indeed requires quite a bit of effort. This is not necessarily a bad thing, because we all know politicians are wont to change the law to suit themselves. I will research on what exactly it takes to effect a change because I refuse to believe what this author writes. I will update this section in due course. What I can laugh at right now is the leap in logic to Muslims laughing to the Consolidated Fund and the Treasury.

LIE NO 7. – This is the best proposed constitution so far, the let church not be a wet blanket by spoiling it. This is merely a guilt card and they should know better than to pull this one. This is not the best constitution so far, in fact it is the worst. It has a host of hidden clauses insert by individuals and groups of individuals with sectarian interests. These clause are so disguised one requires an international law degree just to recognize them. Take the clause on abortion for instance. This is the same clause that was used in the UK to legalize abortion. Whoever came up with the clause must not only be well informed but also very conniving.

Whether is is the best or the worst is entirely subjective. Let people read for themselves and decide this. Let them not be pontificated by anyone — not MPs, not the Church and certainly not absurd emails. The nonsense of hidden clauses leaves me amused. How can a clause be hidden? Invisible ink?

The abortion clause that allegedly requires an international law degree to understand is this one: Chapter 4 25 (4)

Abortion is not permitted unless in the opinion of a registered medical practitioner, the life of the mother is in danger.

The author then attempts to give some commentary


Do you know why government is yet to release the results of the census which ought to have been released ages ago? The reason is not only shocking, but alarming. It is because persons of Somali ethnicity now out number any others in Kenya. Experts are saying this kind of increase can only be explained by immigration not birth. In a case of too little too late, the government has now stopped admission of children into public schools without birth certificates to curb illegal immigration. The question is, what about all those Somalis that now hold illegal ID, what they are going to do about them. The government has already lost cases in court against these illegal ID holders. Our courts appear to hold the view that a national ID is sufficient proof of citizenship Somalis are 99.9% Muslim. As you read this, these illegal ID holders are now busy being registered en mass as voters by a Muslim headed IIEC. You still think all is well?

No one is disputing there is an issue with immigration. But how is it alarming?

Have you noticed that mosques have multiplied ten fold in our neighborhoods in the last 5 years?

Utter bollocks. This means that where there was a single Mosque there are now 10, the other 9 being built in the last 5 years. Laughable

Have you realized investment by Muslims and Islamic countries have also increased ten fold?

I challenge the accuracy of these statistics. And even if they were true, what’s wrong wth investing? Aren’t Christians and Ogieks investing as well?

Are you aware that the head of IIEC, the PSC, and the COE are all Muslims?

The first two perhaps. The third? And even if it was the case, so what? Suppose they were all Christians. Would their credibility change? Should it change?

Are you aware that our beloved Prime minister has some kind of pact with Muslims?

Are you aware that our president as well has some kind of pact with ISLAMIC COUNTRIES?

Both these long in sensationalism and short on facts. Which pacts? Which countries?

This can only mean Kenya has been targeted to become an Islamic haven. This ought to make you very worried. They now have the voting power and the money. They are also very united and extremely good strategists.

Not the way the clever author sweepingly concludes that Kenya is to be an Islamist haven. How, pray tell? All the ‘lies’ and commentary above had the purpose to put the readers in an emotional state of fear and distrust. And just to make sure, author says you ought to be very worried. To now culture an image of subterfuge, author allides to them being united and good strategists.

Social engineering at work my friends! Brilliantly executed.

Have noticed the increase of incidences of demonstrations conducted by Muslims for the most minor reasons?

Aside from the ones for the Jamaican, and the one for Grogon, which one? Not also the use of ‘most minor reasons’. Demonstrations are common in this country. Everyone demonstrates! Nurses, doctors, Mungiki, teachers, mechanics…

Did it capture your attention that for the first time in Kenya, we had demonstrators using guns to attack security officers? Tellingly this was a peaceful demonstration by our harmless "Muslim Brothers". This ought to worry you.

How is this new? Mungiki, Sabaot LDF, SunguSungu etc have been doing this for years!

Did you know that according to a recent UN investigation hundreds of Kenyan Somali youth are now fighting alongside the insurgent AL-SHABBAB against the TFGORVERNMENT of Somalia? Do you realize that if history is anything to go by, these youths are likely to come back home and use their experience to instigate plan and execute a parallel insurgency right here in our own country. If this doesn’t worry you, I don’t know what will.

Which investigation? Give us the report. And even if it were, the talk about parallel insurgency is just alarmist. To cement to emotional state of the reader is the helpful guide ‘If this doesn’t worry you, I don’t know what will.’

Are you aware that our politicians having noticed that the landscape is increasingly Islamic are now falling over themselves to make pacts with Muslim leaders in order to secure their political future?

Proof? Which politicians?

Are you aware that you are now the last hope in this war? The politicians have failed, the civil society has failed, the professionals have failed, and the experts too have failed.

Now this I agree totally insofar as consensus building is concerned.


Register as a voter and wait for the referendum.

Agree totally!

Send this email to all Christians you know including the one who sent is to u. you must do this with urgency. Time is far spent and we must inform all before the Islamic propaganda gets to them.

Print out this email and make copies for the friends you have who have no email. Please do this with utmost haste. The future of the future generations of Christians depends on us.

RUBBISH! If you become party to forwarding this email my friend you will share the responsibility in the attempt to polarize this country.

Also, no sincere Christian can possibly have composed this email. Which Christian, so soon after Easter to boot can remotely associate the hate and deception peddled in this email to the words and teaching of Christ?

Edit the article to your suitability (Add facts I may have omitted or clarify others) and resend to all Christians you know. And please hurry and do not delay.

I just have.

Keep the article away from Islamic headed commissions and committees and from the Islamic Nation Media.


And there you have it ladies and gentlemen. Someone purporting to be a Christian stoking the embers of a divided nation.

If you still remember the horror of 2007 you will do your best to arrest this absurdity and talk to those who believe it.

Now, the story that this email opened with

It is five years from now and the Kadhi courts have been operational for the same period. Your uncle is crying, the government has just forcibly repossessed his land and is planning to compensate him for less than his land’s worth. He seeks your advice about taking the government to court to get market rate on his land but you advise him against it. To your surprise the government begins to construct a mosque on what was formerly your uncle’s land. On completion you are informed it’s not a mosque but a Kadhi court. It begins operation and the compound is full of GK vehicles. A convoy arrives with GK vehicles complete with GK drivers and GK body guards. What appear to be Muslim clerics disembark from the GK vehicles. You are informed that these are the khadhis. They are now government Islamic judicial officers (what a contradiction, you think). You draw nearer to get a closer look and the guards inform you that this is an Islamic institution and you should therefore keep off. You leave wondering how your constitution came to allow the government (Kenya now has a Muslim president) to build and fund a Muslim religious institution.

You go to church the following day, eager to share what you have seen with fellow Christians. You find the gate locked and a big crowd outside. You notice the Pastor and you draw near to him. He tells you and others that the government has closed the church because of its proximity to the Kadhi court. He has been informed that the court is constitutional and the church is not, therefore the church must give way. He may rebuild the church at an appropriate distance so as not to disrupt court proceedings, and no, it doesn’t matter what came first only what is constitutional.

This is clearly designed to provoke the reader into a heightened state, a state that will influence the reader to believe the tripe that follows immediately after.

And to the author of this email — you are a very clever individual indeed. Why you want to take this country back to where we were in 2007/2008 only you and your maker know. If only you could put that brilliant mind to the service of this nation!

I hope you will reflect on what you are doing. It’s not too late!

As for me personally I have no problem with Kadhi courts. I do not believe they affect me. Their jurisdiction is limited. They serve a need in cases where the law is grey. For example Islam allows more than one wife. The law does not, unless in the context of either Islamic law or traditional law.

Wetin De Money Oh

I’ve had my share of 411 fraud letters but this one takes the biscuit.

It is reproduced here in full with all the grammar and typos intact


US Treasury Department
290 Broadway # 3
New York, NY 10007, United States
Fax;+1 509-561-8685
From The Desk of US Treasury Secretary Mr. Timothy Geithner

Attn: Beneficiary ,

We have in our treasury $8. Million United State dollars that was transfered by the Central Bank of Nigeria (CBN) on the 1st December 2009 to the account of one Mr. David Resnick with the below account
co-ordinate. We have stoped this transfer from being completed because we discovered some irregularities concerning the funds in transfer and we decided to stop it from getting into the account of this person until we verify our self,if what the transfering bank said is true or false about your funds.

Brian David Resnick
2063 Mayview Dr.
Los Angeles, CA 90027
Bank Accout #: 006108970
Swift code #: 122038251
Bank Name : Wilshire State Bank
6350 Pacific Blvd.
Huntington Park, CA 90255

We want you to please tell us if you did truly authorized the change of your account details for the transfer of your beneficiary funds to this person Mr. David Resnick?

Are you sick and dieing of cancer that you had to authorized this man to collect your money from the central Bank on your behalf?

We demand the right answer’s from you with documents to show that you, at one time did sign writen agreement with this man Mr. Resnick to switch the beneficiary account to his own account and help utilize your money. We demand for an urgent response from you within the next 48hrs or we will have to return the funds back to Central Bank of Nigeria.

Get back to us reconfirming the below details immediately:

Residential Address:

Mr. Timothy Geithner.

Driving In Nairobi

Human beings in all their wisdom, eccentricities and brilliance are at the end of the day very strange beings that behave very strangely, both while alone as well as in the society of their fellows.

In the middle ages we had the age of chivalry – knights, armour and jousting. Not too long ago we had the age of duels – guns, swords and fighting. Today we have driving.

At first glance driving seems like a pretty straightforward exercise. Get in car, move car from A to B and get out of car. Foolishly lulled into a false sense of security, you enroll in driving school and are introduced to a concept known as the Highway Code. This is a set of guidelines, complete with signs that guide your activities on the road. You apply yourself to these with zest.

Driving the actual car is never much of a problem. Of course there is the initial bit of bother a few minutes into your first experience when you break so hard the instructor checks the consistency of the windscreen with his forehead, expressing his conviction that your parentage on the paternal side is unsure.

There is also the tricky business of the clutch, where 11 times out of 10; you stall the car without even trying. It eventually becomes a pleasant surprise to move the car more than a few metres without stalling it.

The examination is a mere formality, due to the fact that driving a car is a trivial exercise. But just to make sure, there is usually a memorandum of understanding between the examining authority and the driving school that results in impressive pass rates.

The real world, having waited politely outside, cap in hand, now comes barreling in with the subtlety of those bulls that run through streets in pain.

You learn very quickly that there is a time period smaller still than the micro second. This is defined as the Nairobit©, and it is the time interval between the light turning orange and the outraged driver behind you hooting. This is a very small time interval indeed.

You will also find that the Highway Code you were instructed with went out of production and out of application some 40 years ago. No one follows those rules. No one recalls those rules. There are signs and symbols on the road that have no corresponding entries in the Highway Code. On raising this topic last week I was asked earnestly if the Highway Code was some species of frog.

You will find that the driving schools have failed to keep up with innovations in road construction technology. How else can you explain a road like Moi Avenue that generally has three lanes and then suddenly only has two. Not a warning. Just before the Muindi Mbingu junction the three lanes suddenly become two. Words cannot express the range of emotions that go through one when a lane suddenly disappears and the three of you drivers have a Nairobit© (see above) to figure out how to allocate the remaining two.

You will find that traffic lights, God bless ‘em, are largely vestigial instruments. The traffic light on the Kenyan road is the equivalent of the tail bone on the human body. Drivers treat them largely as well meaning but buffoonish suggestions rather than the law. Although in their defence drivers are so used to seeing traffic police at junctions, consistently contradicting them, that if the police were removed drivers fail to see the lights at all. Anyone that does not understand Pavlov’s dog would do well to spend a few days with a driver here.

Another source of angst is fellow road users. The general rule of law is that you and you alone are a sane, talented and handsome driver, while everyone else is the spawn of Beelzebub, incapable of a single wise decision while at the wheel.

The horn, you will find, is an essential tool for a driver. There is an initial panic as you realize you have no clue how to make use of this instrument. But eventually you learn the ropes. A horn can perform the following functions

· Notify other drivers and road users to beware

· Hail your friend Jeff and ask after his weekend

· Congratulate Jimmy on the new baby

· Alert those fools up front you have no intention of using your brakes

· Tell Carol that new hairdo looks like a dead cat on her head

The horn can perform all those, and many other communication functions. It is in fact possible on a particularly slow traffic day to conduct entire conversations using that device. Wireless communications indeed.

Then there is the roundabout. Its chief purpose appears to be for one driver to waste the time and grey the hairs of three others, all the while testing the functionality of the horn.

Then there is of, course, other drivers. But that we can discuss another day



From The Desk Of The Government Spokesman

Jood Good Morning. My name is Alfred ‘The Sailor Man’ Mutua.

I just wanted to take this opportunity to clarify some facts to Kenyans, for as you know the only facts in this country are those that come from my lips. Ha ha!

First of all I object to those who threw eggs at my Volkswagen Jolf. That car cost me a lot of money and I must insist again that all those human rights activists take their activation elsewhere.

I would like to take this opportunity again to remind Kenyans that our officers do not shoot people dead. What happens is that people position themselves just as bullets fired from our officer’s weapons arrive at the particular point at which they have positioned themselves.

I also want to single out the small boy who laughed at the music from my car. Elton Gohn is a timeless artiste.

I would like to assure Kenyans an Ujandans that the following are indeed part of Kenya

  • Jarissa
  • Kapenjuria
  • Mount Kilimangaro
  • Jatundu
  • Kakameja
  • Kagiado
  • Wagir
  • Lanjata
  • JilJil
  • Bunjoma
  • Lokichojjio
  • Muranja
  • Namanja

Jood Good  day Kenyans.

Banana Republics

It is said that the first step is denial. Well, I am pleased to report that I am no longer in denial.

This country, ladies and gentlemen, is for all intents and purposes a banana republic, only without the bananas.

Reading from light to left:

  • An indecisive president rejoicing at the miles of fencing he has at State House at his disposal to sit on.
  • An ineffective Prime Minister, allegedly charged with coordination of Government Ministry. Judging from the Babel from the said ministries, we are  pleasantly surprised he can coordinate trouser and coat
  • A government spokesman whose own mother is unlikely to take seriously, let alone 29,998,000 Kenyans
  • A cabinet which judging from the intelligence demonstrated by their banter and pronouncements, are unlikely to have the capacity to tie their shoes before descending on their Morning Cerelac
  • An Attorney General who fondly believes he is perpetually auditioning for a Colgate advertisement
  • An anti-corruption commission that zealously goes after chicken thieves and pickpockets
  • A trigger happy police force that lurches from crisis to crisis
  • A civil service run by tottering old men that refuse to give way that continues to amaze with its ineffectiveness
  • A juvenile parliament, complete with soiled diapers that is more interested in grandstanding than legislating.
  • A self deluded judiciary that fondly believes it is effectively discharging its mandate
  • An ever naive public that refuses to see that it is viewed as nothing more than a source of funds, votes and foot-soldiers.
  • A now defunct electoral commission unable to accurately count a single coin toss. It takes some effort and quite the imbecility to announce with a straight face a candidate had 40,000 votes in a constituency that has 30,000 people, let alone voters.

Most people in positions of governance give impressions of an urgent need of a swift kick in the seat of the trousers.

The nail in the coffin was this public announcement laying blame for corruption at the foot of couples working in Government offices.

Digest that for a minute. The Government position is that people who answered in the affirmative to the question “Wilt thou?” are the source of stolen public money.

After laughing myself to tears, I deployed my crack investigation team, whose findings stunned even me.

Pictured below is the Government Of Kenya Policy Maker & Decision Making Device


This device, acquired in 2002 has been behind all Government decisions and policies to date.

To many of us who have long been of the opinion that some of the decisions taken by the Government cannot possibly have come from a Homo Sapiens with opposable thumbs and binocular vision, much makes sense.

Going back to the couples, I have in my possession I card from Reverend Moon that I feel the authorities should investigate further